Mother do you care
It's Mothers Day and I find myself questioning my own mother again.
I know I'm better off without her in my life. I know that she is a selfish person unable to truly care about anyone, even herself. It just makes me so angry because she's never attempted to make it right. She's never aptempted to apologized. She never attempted to explain why she made the choices she did. She never attempted to explain why she ran from one abusive and substance addicted relationship to another taking Chris and myself along for the ride. In the 17 years of living with her and she never once told me that she loved me. She never once held me in a loving embrace and she never once attempted to explain to me why that was. It's now been eight years since she left and she's never attempted to find me.
As much as I want to think there is something she could have said to make everything okay, the truth is that there isn't. For that, I will never be able to forgive her. And for that, I will always hate her. I can hypothesize until the day I die about what her reasoning was, but I will never really know. I will never know what she was thinking.
Truth is, no amount of explanation could make her choices right.
Sometimes I imagine her coming to me and telling me that she never meant to hurt me, that her actions were because she was sick and that she is better now and wants to be a 'family' again. But honestly, I know that's not the case. I know that in the end she was just a weak, selfish, and pathetic woman ... and I couldn't forgive her now even if she asked.
What makes me even more angry than not having a mom on Mother's Day is that I didn't even get a mom worth missing on Mother's Day.
I know I'm better off without her in my life. I know that she is a selfish person unable to truly care about anyone, even herself. It just makes me so angry because she's never attempted to make it right. She's never aptempted to apologized. She never attempted to explain why she made the choices she did. She never attempted to explain why she ran from one abusive and substance addicted relationship to another taking Chris and myself along for the ride. In the 17 years of living with her and she never once told me that she loved me. She never once held me in a loving embrace and she never once attempted to explain to me why that was. It's now been eight years since she left and she's never attempted to find me.
As much as I want to think there is something she could have said to make everything okay, the truth is that there isn't. For that, I will never be able to forgive her. And for that, I will always hate her. I can hypothesize until the day I die about what her reasoning was, but I will never really know. I will never know what she was thinking.
Truth is, no amount of explanation could make her choices right.
Sometimes I imagine her coming to me and telling me that she never meant to hurt me, that her actions were because she was sick and that she is better now and wants to be a 'family' again. But honestly, I know that's not the case. I know that in the end she was just a weak, selfish, and pathetic woman ... and I couldn't forgive her now even if she asked.
What makes me even more angry than not having a mom on Mother's Day is that I didn't even get a mom worth missing on Mother's Day.