Obviously, I choose karate
ED stuff; no numbers, no food details, nothing graphic.
Tonight's dizziness-induced realisation: I can have any vestiges at all of an eating disorder, or I can have karate. I can't have both. I'm on the verge of being a senior grade (one more grading and I'll be halfway to black belt) and Sensei works us hard and she wasn't fucking kidding when she said we needed to eat like athletes.
It's a good realisation. I had a version of it several years ago, but I seem to have forgotten that recently. I love my strength, and the things I can do when I'm not about to pass out. There's no strength or autonomy to be found in watching the room spin. I love working hard enough to earn a compliment from Sensei or, on a really good day, Kyoshi. For my next belt, I need to seriously up my game, particularly in terms of speed and stamina, and that's not going to happen if I don't eat properly.
(I'm nowhere near far gone enough to be starving or puking, but it's been snapping at my ankles a bit. I've been doing that thing where you grab food whenever your ED or depression have their backs turned, which leads to eating a) at odd times and b) utter crap.)
Tonight's dizziness-induced realisation: I can have any vestiges at all of an eating disorder, or I can have karate. I can't have both. I'm on the verge of being a senior grade (one more grading and I'll be halfway to black belt) and Sensei works us hard and she wasn't fucking kidding when she said we needed to eat like athletes.
It's a good realisation. I had a version of it several years ago, but I seem to have forgotten that recently. I love my strength, and the things I can do when I'm not about to pass out. There's no strength or autonomy to be found in watching the room spin. I love working hard enough to earn a compliment from Sensei or, on a really good day, Kyoshi. For my next belt, I need to seriously up my game, particularly in terms of speed and stamina, and that's not going to happen if I don't eat properly.
(I'm nowhere near far gone enough to be starving or puking, but it's been snapping at my ankles a bit. I've been doing that thing where you grab food whenever your ED or depression have their backs turned, which leads to eating a) at odd times and b) utter crap.)