!!!
time is flying by and im sitting here alone
something in this world is against me and every meaningful relationship ive ever had.
i want things to work. i want to be able to be surrounded by the people that mean the most to me but it seems impossible.
somethings always pushing
pushing everything important to me as far away as possible
i could make new friends ya but theres something inside me telling me no
so im pushing myself away from that the chances ig et i fuck up
and i do it intentionally
i dont want anything new i want what i had
but now ive got nothing
my two best friends are being torn away and all three of us know this
for some reason when things begin to work
it just ends something pushes it away
the bonds i used to be able to create with people are no impossible
i dont want it cos i know how it ends
i dont want to deal with the pain of losing the only people i feel close to
over and over again i know its life and thats how its supposed to be
but im protesting it i dont want this
i want something greater, something that ive seen exist for most people, but never fully achieved myself.
im sick of it and im giving up i want nothing more than to have the people i love near me
and its so impossible
i must have done something pretty bad to deserve this.
all day long ive had these reoccuring memories of my mother hiding in my closet when i was six and me telling her everything would be ok then my dad came in and i had to pretend to be asleep then he 'woke me up' and i told him i didnt know where mom was and begging him not to hurt her and the othe rmemory is of being in the girls bathroom in eigth grade just crying for hours. i locked the door and refused to let anyone come in. i know it seems liek sucha dramatic thing to do and i wish i could remember what my reasoning was but no matter how hard i push my brain to get it out i cant
ive had some really shitty stuff happen to me in my life. things i havent shared with anyone.
things i dont want to share because i never like letting the darkness in my life into others.
i try to keep it positive but its just building up inside me.
this living situation is ridiculous,i cant deal with it anymore. i need something big and different to happen in my ife but i dont know what and i know no one will do anything for me, nor am i expecting it. i know changes need to be made on my own i just wish i could figure out what it is that i need to do to be even slightly satisified with this life that im living cos its not what expected, no where near.
when i was little the one thing that kept me from beign a huge fucking brat and crying constantly was thinkignt o myself that things would get better and ive been waiting for fucking eighteen years now. i want to know what i did recieve this life. ims ure its no ones fault but my one i just wish i could pinpoint what i did wrong then maybe try and makeup for it somehow.