Apathy...
..has been my constant of being since moving back to my hometown in February of this year and then sometimes the resentment shows up when I'm feeling particularly low. I don't know which one is worse but both make me feel like a shitty human being for feeling them because society dictates that I should feel some joy being back with my family but I don't (for the most part... I love my sister and I don't know what my life would be without her). I moved back to help my mom with my sister but it almost feels like it was just an excuse to reel me back in and to place the responsibility of essentially raising her. It's hard living in a home where you feel so fundamentally different and not fully accepted whether it be for my lack of faith (born/raised Catholic but consider myself agnostic), my lack of affection, or my interests. I also miss my being on my own... I'm a relatively introverted individual and I absolutely thrive on having quiet/alone time but that does not exist for me now that I'm back home. When I was living on my own I could literally spend weekends by myself and it was always so revitalizing for me but since moving I have not had a since day of quiet peace.
I'm tired of being everyone's therapist (my therapist (that I've only seen like 4 times) even says I sound like one and that my function at home for my family is that of a therapist...not exactly healthy). The constant need to have to consider everyone else's feelings and being patient with everyone else is so frustrating. I'm 29 man... I didn't chose to get married or having kids but somehow I'm obligated to have to help them get to life but God forbid I want to go out because that's just selfish.
The apathy has definitely translated over to my work... I always prided myself of having pretty good work ethic but these past few weeks have been such a struggle for me. I hate it. I feel myself wanting to escape more by driving around for no reason listening to music and just getting away from my environment. I'm so terrified that this is going to be life... that my parents will get sick and I'll never really fully get away from it all. I wish I could say that I would say "fuck it" but that guilt is there and constantly made to feel guilty because I'm not more grateful.
Ultimately I know that my life is my own and that I have to make the changes I want in my life. I'll have to learn to deal with all these feelings for the next 4 years (the years my sister has left of high school) in a healthy manner but I feel like the best thing for me is going to be finding a place of my own. How that's work with my sister is a mystery since she doesn't speak with my mom or stepdad but I suppose that's something they're going to have to figure out.
Anyway, enough of my emo shit. I've been listening to this amazing woman and she's mellowed my the fuck out. What an awesome musician.
I'm tired of being everyone's therapist (my therapist (that I've only seen like 4 times) even says I sound like one and that my function at home for my family is that of a therapist...not exactly healthy). The constant need to have to consider everyone else's feelings and being patient with everyone else is so frustrating. I'm 29 man... I didn't chose to get married or having kids but somehow I'm obligated to have to help them get to life but God forbid I want to go out because that's just selfish.
The apathy has definitely translated over to my work... I always prided myself of having pretty good work ethic but these past few weeks have been such a struggle for me. I hate it. I feel myself wanting to escape more by driving around for no reason listening to music and just getting away from my environment. I'm so terrified that this is going to be life... that my parents will get sick and I'll never really fully get away from it all. I wish I could say that I would say "fuck it" but that guilt is there and constantly made to feel guilty because I'm not more grateful.
Ultimately I know that my life is my own and that I have to make the changes I want in my life. I'll have to learn to deal with all these feelings for the next 4 years (the years my sister has left of high school) in a healthy manner but I feel like the best thing for me is going to be finding a place of my own. How that's work with my sister is a mystery since she doesn't speak with my mom or stepdad but I suppose that's something they're going to have to figure out.
Anyway, enough of my emo shit. I've been listening to this amazing woman and she's mellowed my the fuck out. What an awesome musician.
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