Cognitive dissonance
Argh.
Provisional exam results announced today - due to be confirmed by exam board tomorrow, so they may vary up or down a bit***.
Currently I'm on 71%, which is obviously in the 'good' range. But it's not cheering me up at all, and I now feel quite angsty about it all.
On the upside, at least I won't have to re-sit it now. On the downside, this means they won't actually *let* me re-sit it! Which is, frankly, making me rather stressed.
I realise this makes me a thoroughly arrogant twat, but I genuinely, absolutely feel that I put in a thoroughly below-par performance on that exam, and that I could have done a great deal better if I'd been a bit more prepared and a bit less panicked. Hell, I didn't actually even finish the paper! It would have been nice to do that. Getting a good result doesn't reassure me that I'm actually good at it, it just makes me think that the marking is far too generous. I genuinely feel at sea quite a lot of the time with the course contents, so I'm really at a loss trying to figure out what our lecturers want. It's confusing, and means I just don't feel good about any of my work. (I wouldn't last 5 minutes at an actual appeal, for example!) It should be harder, but I should also understand it more.
Oh, ignore me, I'm just being a cunt about it*. Going to hide in my cave now. May eat some worms.
*Alright, I'm probably trying to displace the fact that I'm getting very anxious about the study trip in November. Study trips are my idea of hell. I'm kind of grateful that being crazy means A. gets to come with me, or I have no idea what I'd do.
** This is directed entirely at me, by the way.
*** Obv, I don't actually want my exam results reduced either. I don't really know what I want. I want to do it again next year, but I don't really want to do it because I'm not that crazy, that nerdy or that much of a masochist. Really not a masochist.
This entry was originally posted at http://nanaya.dreamwidth.org/328764.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
Provisional exam results announced today - due to be confirmed by exam board tomorrow, so they may vary up or down a bit***.
Currently I'm on 71%, which is obviously in the 'good' range. But it's not cheering me up at all, and I now feel quite angsty about it all.
On the upside, at least I won't have to re-sit it now. On the downside, this means they won't actually *let* me re-sit it! Which is, frankly, making me rather stressed.
I realise this makes me a thoroughly arrogant twat, but I genuinely, absolutely feel that I put in a thoroughly below-par performance on that exam, and that I could have done a great deal better if I'd been a bit more prepared and a bit less panicked. Hell, I didn't actually even finish the paper! It would have been nice to do that. Getting a good result doesn't reassure me that I'm actually good at it, it just makes me think that the marking is far too generous. I genuinely feel at sea quite a lot of the time with the course contents, so I'm really at a loss trying to figure out what our lecturers want. It's confusing, and means I just don't feel good about any of my work. (I wouldn't last 5 minutes at an actual appeal, for example!) It should be harder, but I should also understand it more.
Oh, ignore me, I'm just being a cunt about it*. Going to hide in my cave now. May eat some worms.
*Alright, I'm probably trying to displace the fact that I'm getting very anxious about the study trip in November. Study trips are my idea of hell. I'm kind of grateful that being crazy means A. gets to come with me, or I have no idea what I'd do.
** This is directed entirely at me, by the way.
*** Obv, I don't actually want my exam results reduced either. I don't really know what I want. I want to do it again next year, but I don't really want to do it because I'm not that crazy, that nerdy or that much of a masochist. Really not a masochist.
This entry was originally posted at http://nanaya.dreamwidth.org/328764.html. Please comment there using OpenID.