Thanksgiving, armageddon, etc.
It’s been less than a week since I’ve written in here and I can’t possibly record everything that’s happened.
Wednesday night @ Mario’s // See everyone I haven’t seen in ages, at one time. Alyssa, Kira, Damich - the Sig Tau crowd. I get drunk with Lestitian at Charlie’s before we go. Painful at first, but by the end of the night Kira and Alyssa are kissing for pictures and nobody’s asking them to. So yay.
Thursday - Thanksgiving // My distant, racist, vaguely white trash family. Not even really my family. My family’s family. I love the way they use “nigger” like it’s a punchline. Like, “That stupid nigger” …… pause for laughter. And how they know it makes me uncomfortable, but don’t really care. Their gay neighbors got a few laughs too. And their gay, Chinese (?) dog.
I was determined to be myself this year. I’m determined to be myself around people who are nothing like me and can’t relate to me. So I was. Kerry’s hopelessly nerdy fiancee, Joe, was trying to talk to me about football. I wanted to lean over and whisper “Dude, it’s cool. I’m not one of them. You don’t have to do that with me.” He actually seems like a really great guy - I just wish he would be his nerdy self. That would be a lot more fun.
The only part of the night that seemed the slightest bit sincere was the end, when all the kids (meaning everyone under 30) went downstairs and took turns playing Mega Man 2 with 8 yr-old Shane. It was great… everyone huddled around the TV, actually trying to remember how to beat Heat Man or whatever and being intense about it. Once Kerry turned it off and started playing old home movies I pretended to get a text message from Justin and escaped.
Justin’s…
Getting drunk with Justin and Greg, having fun, end up having a great conversation with Justin after Greg passes out. I start talking to Justin about Beth, and about life in general. I talk about depression. I’m giving him really good advice and he’s hugging me and telling me how smart I am and saying that he doesn’t deserve to have a friend like me.
Somewhere, something obviously changes because he starts throwing glasses and furniture off the wall behind me and around the room. I’m not moving and not panicked, just waiting for him to be finished. This confuses him, so he starts hitting me and trying to fight me. I keep trying to calm him down, until he starts pushing me into his parents’ flat-screen TV. Eventually he wakes up Greg, and breaks his mother’s entire nativity set as he tries to fight him. I try to leave as he’s running around the room with his shirt off, screaming and breaking things. He chases me out to the car, trying to hit me while I’m spinning around him like a running back. I keep saying, “Ok. I love you, I’ll see you at Christmas.” I drop my keys on the street and grab them before he can. I get in my car and he jumps on my window, banging on the glass. Maybe hard enough to break it - I’m not sure, it was pretty hard. I start driving and he grabs onto the car. I’m afraid to run over his feet, so I speed up and slam on the breaks, knocking him off before I drive away.
Does this shit really happen? In real life?
Does it happen to anyone else or just me?
It does though. People kill each other. They kill themselves, they beat their kids, they molest children. All kinds of fucked up shit happens in real life and now I’m starting to understand how real all of that is.
So Justin has officially lost his mind.
Me: Why are you being so defensive?
Him: What is life, but something to be defended?
Me: Why haven’t you written anything Justin?
Him: Who said I wanted to be a writer?
Me: You did.
Him: Yeah well, I said I wanted to be a baseball player when I was little too. So what?
Friday // 5-year high school reunion
This was a fucking great time.
Amy picked me up and was going on and on about how hot she is and about all the guys she’s had sex with. Awesome, Amy! I talked about how great Nicole is doing, possibly just to shut her up.
We pre-gamed at Charlie’s with Tom and Kris Henderson and Neeraj and Lostetter. Not exactly my crowd, but whatever. Once I got there I was attacked by Sandi Rechtenwald, who has become the sweetest girl alive. She’s living with her girlfriend in Baltimore and teaching - she says she’s kind of scraping by, but seems really, sincerely happy.
Details on the rest of the night are sketchy… drunk dial from Sandi (!!) from Canada, long conversation with Kate O’Connor, running around with a bottle of rum we stole from the bar and filling up everyone’s drinks. Basically I was me - not who I was 5 years ago. That’s all I wanted.
And to top it off, I took a cab back with Jackie Bell, who’s living in New York, and had a 40 minute conversation with her. And completely related to her.
And good lord I was hammered.
Today //
Charlie talked to Justin for 3 hours last night, he told me. Basically had the same conversation I had.
Chuck: “Why can’t you act like a rational human being?”
Justin: “What is rational?”
Among Socrates’ other brillant thoughts:
- Breaking things is just the way he deals with things. We should stop judging him for it.
- Alcohol allows him to be an animal. He likes that.
- He only really has a problem with me. I’m just too judgemental.
Charlie said that Justin never sees how his actions hurt anyone else. So, I’m going to approach this situation differently. I’m not going to pretend like everything is ok anymore. From now on, I’m done. I’m not going to return his calls, and I’m going to go out of my way to avoid him over Christmas. I’m going to be dramatic and make a big deal out of it. Because it’s going to be kind of dramatic and a big deal when Justin gets himself or someone else killed. I can only hope he’ll notice some kind of tangeable loss without me around and see it as a *possible* consequence of his behavior. Whatever.
I’m glad I have all that written down.
Wednesday night @ Mario’s // See everyone I haven’t seen in ages, at one time. Alyssa, Kira, Damich - the Sig Tau crowd. I get drunk with Lestitian at Charlie’s before we go. Painful at first, but by the end of the night Kira and Alyssa are kissing for pictures and nobody’s asking them to. So yay.
Thursday - Thanksgiving // My distant, racist, vaguely white trash family. Not even really my family. My family’s family. I love the way they use “nigger” like it’s a punchline. Like, “That stupid nigger” …… pause for laughter. And how they know it makes me uncomfortable, but don’t really care. Their gay neighbors got a few laughs too. And their gay, Chinese (?) dog.
I was determined to be myself this year. I’m determined to be myself around people who are nothing like me and can’t relate to me. So I was. Kerry’s hopelessly nerdy fiancee, Joe, was trying to talk to me about football. I wanted to lean over and whisper “Dude, it’s cool. I’m not one of them. You don’t have to do that with me.” He actually seems like a really great guy - I just wish he would be his nerdy self. That would be a lot more fun.
The only part of the night that seemed the slightest bit sincere was the end, when all the kids (meaning everyone under 30) went downstairs and took turns playing Mega Man 2 with 8 yr-old Shane. It was great… everyone huddled around the TV, actually trying to remember how to beat Heat Man or whatever and being intense about it. Once Kerry turned it off and started playing old home movies I pretended to get a text message from Justin and escaped.
Justin’s…
Getting drunk with Justin and Greg, having fun, end up having a great conversation with Justin after Greg passes out. I start talking to Justin about Beth, and about life in general. I talk about depression. I’m giving him really good advice and he’s hugging me and telling me how smart I am and saying that he doesn’t deserve to have a friend like me.
Somewhere, something obviously changes because he starts throwing glasses and furniture off the wall behind me and around the room. I’m not moving and not panicked, just waiting for him to be finished. This confuses him, so he starts hitting me and trying to fight me. I keep trying to calm him down, until he starts pushing me into his parents’ flat-screen TV. Eventually he wakes up Greg, and breaks his mother’s entire nativity set as he tries to fight him. I try to leave as he’s running around the room with his shirt off, screaming and breaking things. He chases me out to the car, trying to hit me while I’m spinning around him like a running back. I keep saying, “Ok. I love you, I’ll see you at Christmas.” I drop my keys on the street and grab them before he can. I get in my car and he jumps on my window, banging on the glass. Maybe hard enough to break it - I’m not sure, it was pretty hard. I start driving and he grabs onto the car. I’m afraid to run over his feet, so I speed up and slam on the breaks, knocking him off before I drive away.
Does this shit really happen? In real life?
Does it happen to anyone else or just me?
It does though. People kill each other. They kill themselves, they beat their kids, they molest children. All kinds of fucked up shit happens in real life and now I’m starting to understand how real all of that is.
So Justin has officially lost his mind.
Me: Why are you being so defensive?
Him: What is life, but something to be defended?
Me: Why haven’t you written anything Justin?
Him: Who said I wanted to be a writer?
Me: You did.
Him: Yeah well, I said I wanted to be a baseball player when I was little too. So what?
Friday // 5-year high school reunion
This was a fucking great time.
Amy picked me up and was going on and on about how hot she is and about all the guys she’s had sex with. Awesome, Amy! I talked about how great Nicole is doing, possibly just to shut her up.
We pre-gamed at Charlie’s with Tom and Kris Henderson and Neeraj and Lostetter. Not exactly my crowd, but whatever. Once I got there I was attacked by Sandi Rechtenwald, who has become the sweetest girl alive. She’s living with her girlfriend in Baltimore and teaching - she says she’s kind of scraping by, but seems really, sincerely happy.
Details on the rest of the night are sketchy… drunk dial from Sandi (!!) from Canada, long conversation with Kate O’Connor, running around with a bottle of rum we stole from the bar and filling up everyone’s drinks. Basically I was me - not who I was 5 years ago. That’s all I wanted.
And to top it off, I took a cab back with Jackie Bell, who’s living in New York, and had a 40 minute conversation with her. And completely related to her.
And good lord I was hammered.
Today //
Charlie talked to Justin for 3 hours last night, he told me. Basically had the same conversation I had.
Chuck: “Why can’t you act like a rational human being?”
Justin: “What is rational?”
Among Socrates’ other brillant thoughts:
- Breaking things is just the way he deals with things. We should stop judging him for it.
- Alcohol allows him to be an animal. He likes that.
- He only really has a problem with me. I’m just too judgemental.
Charlie said that Justin never sees how his actions hurt anyone else. So, I’m going to approach this situation differently. I’m not going to pretend like everything is ok anymore. From now on, I’m done. I’m not going to return his calls, and I’m going to go out of my way to avoid him over Christmas. I’m going to be dramatic and make a big deal out of it. Because it’s going to be kind of dramatic and a big deal when Justin gets himself or someone else killed. I can only hope he’ll notice some kind of tangeable loss without me around and see it as a *possible* consequence of his behavior. Whatever.
I’m glad I have all that written down.