Eternal Flame 1 "The Phonebook"
Title : Eternal Flame
Author :
fridayblues
Pairing : Ennis/Jack / Rating : R - NC-17
Disclaimer : Ennis Del Mar, Jack Twist and all original characters from Brokeback Mountain belong to the legendary Annie Proulx. I made this story up, no money involved whatsoever.
Thanks always for my beta;
judy_blue_cat
A/N :
1. Eternal Flame is a sequal to Wiser Time, my first BBM's story that have brought me a lot of joys and many friends! This is for all of you who had been following the story, I hope you will enjoy!
1. The first chapter of EF is inspired by
george66comment in my other story saying he will read everything I write even if it's a phonebook LOL. So, this phonebook...ahh...the first chapter is esp. for you.
2. Also this chapter is esp. for
denim_girl2006 , you will know why.... :)
Eternal Flame
Chapter 1 "The Phonebook"
The nights in the middle of February were still as cold as hell. Jack blew on his hands, rubbed them together and looked up to where the main house was as he heard the sound of the truck coming in. No, it wasn’t coming in, but was passing by the farm and beyond. He sighed, his eyes followed the faint red light of the back of the truck until it faded into the dark.
Where the hell are you, Ennis?
Blowing hot breath on his hands again, Jack turned back to close the stable door, wondering whether he should have dinner at the main house or eat at the bunkhouse. Although eating with some company in the warm house was a tempting idea, Jack settled for the latter choice. He still had a turkey sandwich that he had fixed in the morning and that would be enough for tonight. Besides, he was tired and wanted nothing but a hot shower and a good sleep.
Jack glanced over his shoulder to the front of the farm again as he walked back to the bunkhouse.
Ennis had gone to Riverton five days ago to attend the funeral of his cousin who had a car accident. He was supposed to be back yesterday but had to stay longer ‘cause Junior was performing with her school choir this morning and he wanted to kill two birds with one stone. Jack thought it was alright though, they were both grown-up men, there was no point whining like a girl over Ennis not coming back on time. Hell, he could stand seeing Ennis a few times a year for eight years and now they were finally together. What’s the big fucking deal? Jack tried to tell himself. But the fact was that he missed Ennis’s company so much and he hated to spend the cold night alone in the bed.
That would be fine. Ennis would be here tomorrow when he woke up.
Came next morning, Ennis hadn’t showed up yet and Jack found himself hissing at Black Shadows for nudging him too hard on his back.
Afternoon went by and there was still no sign of Ennis. Jack tried to erase the bad images, all related to tire irons and blood, by concentrating on cleaning the hay baler. Around three Jack was called to the main house and suddenly he remembered they had a guest this afternoon.
Joel had an appointment with Kale Hanson, the veteran builder who was well-known for his fast and fuss-free working style. Jack had never met him before, for he had arrived the farm after Kale had finished building the bunkhouse and the barn already. Ennis told him that Kale mostly worked alone so his mind automatically drew the image of Kale Hanson as a large man with strong muscle, arms and legs as big as a tree trunk. So when Joel introduced him to a thin man around his height, with shoulder-length straight black hair, Jack couldn’t hold back his surprise.
“Jack Twist,” he shook hands briefly with Kale. Jack noticed his hand was tanned and his eyes were as black as the coat of Black Shadows. He wondered if Kale belonged to one of the American Indian tribes.
“Kale Hanson. Nice ta meet cha.”
“Likewise,” Jack nodded, smiling. “I heard ya always work alone?”
“Yeah. It’s easier that way.”
They talked a bit about the construction of the annex to the farmhouse, when to start and such. The annex would be for Don, Maggie and Marybeth to stay whenever they visited the farm. Nothing fancy, just an additional space for a bedroom and a bathroom. The guest room in the main house was too small. Besides, Myrtle was growing up fast and the little lady sure could use her own room soon enough. That was why they called in Kale Hanson for the job.
They were deciding on the starting day when they heard the sharp sound of the baby screaming. Monica had gone to town so Joel and Jack glanced at each other. Jack chuckled at the wary look on Joel’s face.
“Was Bobby a fussy baby, too?”
“He was,” Jack shrugged, “and believe me it gets worse.” And Joel rolled his eyes.
“I’ll go get her,” Jack said and slipped into the house through the back door.
Myrtle was crying on her cot on the floor, her plump arms and legs swinging, kicking wildly in the air. Jack scooped her up in his arms, smiling down at her tear-stained face.
“What is it, girl? Bad dream?”
She gurgled at Jack, burbling and talking to him in her baby language as he wiped her face with his thumb and combed her soft short hair. He suddenly had an urge to call Bobby. The last time he talked to him on the phone, he already had his own horse. He wondered what his Big Boy was up to now.
Just when Myrtle was drifting off to sleep in his arms again, Jack heard the sound of a truck coming in the farm. He walked to the window, sighing with relief as he saw Ennis’s truck heading in and going directly to the bunkhouse without stopping here.
About time, dickhead.
++++++++++
Monica had cooked beef stew that night and all of them except Ennis gathered in front of the television with plates in their hands, eating and watching the black and white movie together. Ennis was talking on the phone with Junior, telling her that he was home safe and sound. Yes, home. Ennis was home, here with him.
The shivery February wind was swirling madly outside the farmhouse, rattling the windows. But Jack felt the warmth from the fire in the fireplace licking his skin and he sighed comfortably as he leant on the back of the sofa,
“Ya sure have a comfy sofa here.”
“Ain’t it?” Joel cut in. “We used to have two of them things. Had ta give one to our friend when we moved here though. Can’t haul too much stuff in ma old truck.”
“I got one look like this at home in Childress, I mean at my old home. It belongs ta my ex-wife now.”
“Oh, how is Bobby, by the way? You talk to him lately?” Monica asked, sipping hot milk. “I sure miss him. He’s a good boy.”
“They have moved to a smaller house nearer to his mama’s new work place. I heard he is getting along real well with some kids there and they played baseball and such.”
Ennis silently observed their talk which was still around Bobby. He had hung up the phone, grabbed his plate and just ate there in the kitchen. He wasn’t too keen on watching a movie, the long drive drained his energy and he could hardly move a muscle, let alone paying attention to whatever was showing on T.V.
The stew was good, rich with gravy, the way he liked it. And he finished it fast ‘cause he didn’t have any distraction. Ennis rinsed the plate as he glanced out to the living room, Jack and Joel were still only halfway through their stew, their eyes focused on the moving picture on the T.V., both holding their forks mid-air, the lady’s sweet singing voice floating into his ears so nice and slow.
It suddenly came to Ennis that Jack must have missed watching T.V. for they didn’t have one at the bunkhouse. The image of the big house Jack and Lureen used to share before the divorce flashed brightly before his eyes, the house with more than one bedroom with a nice porch and everything. How Jack could stay in the bunkhouse as empty and as dull as a graveyard with him was still a wonder to Ennis, with Jack having been pampered with all that cozy domestic stuff and all.
“Oh, shit! I knew it!” Joel shouted, totally into the movie. Monica hit him playfully, telling him to lower his voice if he didn’t want Myrtle to wake up. He watched Jack laugh and quietly approached Monica. He touched her shoulder gently, like he was afraid his action would disturb the nice family moment,
“I’m going back to the bunkhouse. Thank you for dinner, Monica. It was great.”
“Oh, already? You ain’t watching the movie with us?”
“Nah, I’m beat. I’m gonna lay down now. G’night.”
“Good night, Ennis.” Monica smiled. Ennis glanced up and exchanged goodnights with Joel, too. They talked about going to town and to the Robinsons’ to pick up something tomorrow, what time should they start and such, and Ennis could feel Jack’s gaze on him. He finally glanced back to Jack.
“I’m heading back first then. Been a long day.”
“Alright,” Jack said, those worried eyes studying Ennis, asking without opening his mouth if he was alright.
“Later, bud.”
Jack nodded and slowly turned back to the movie.
Ennis walked back to the bunkhouse and glanced around the tiny kitchen. He had brought his old fridge when he went to see the girls several months back, along with his worn-out couch and a lamp, the only large things he could cram in his and Don’s truck. They put all of the stuff here, with the couch up against one of the walls near the back door and the lamp on the floor on its left.
This time he had brought the rest of the stuff from his trailer, small stuff like plates, some old shirts for working, some books and old horse journals, old cassettes. He kept them all in three boxes and threw them aside at the corner of the kitchen, would have to put them away later.
Ennis took off his hat and threw it on the couch, walked to the middle of the room to examine the average-sized wooden dining table with four chairs, one of the few things that came with the bunkhouse. Still, it was old. He smoothed his hand over the surface and winced at the rough feel on the tip of his fingers. The stove was new though. Jack and he kinda pooled their money and picked it up from the store in town, with help from Monica. None of them could cook restaurant-quality food and they could always come up to the main house and have a bite of something, but a kitchen without a stove sure felt strange. That was why they decided to have one.
Ennis grabbed a beer from the fridge and sat on the couch, sipping slowly, taking in the sound of the night insects ringing loudly around the bunkhouse. He looked at the door out of the corner of his eyes and abruptly stood up, turning his back to the door. He wasn’t going to wait for Jack like a fucking wife.
What’s the hell wrong with you? Ennis stumbled into his room, fighting the urge to kick or hit something. He knew exactly what was wrong. Being in the house of a ‘regular’ family just reminded him how ‘irregular’ his life had been.
Fuck, Ennis kicked off his boots and sprawled on the bed.
Aaron Simpson was his only cousin from Sage that somehow he had kept in touch with, though they simply exchanged Christmas cards once a year, no talking on the phone or anything. Eventually Alma even began to sign Ennis’s name in the card every year automatically. But it was still a shock to learn that he died so young. The man was only two years older than him.
K.E. and he used to play around with the man when they were kids. Aaron was the biggest of them three and he quit school to help uncle with the breeding business when he was no more than thirteen. Aaron was married with two children and the poor man got himself killed in a car accident last week, leaving his family and friends in grief.
After the funeral, there was a sad gathering at the house with everybody hugging and comforting each other, taking turns telling their favorite stories of the late Aaron Simpson. Ennis went there in his truck, taking Junior as company, while Alma went there with her new husband. He was standing in a quiet corner near the fireplace, listening to Alma talk with Aaron’s wife somewhere behind. Amidst the sadness, Ennis could feel people’s connection, the thread keeping them together, the hands catching them when they fell, the arms enfolding them when they were cold.
A family.
Was Jack and him a family?
Sighing, Ennis shifted to curl on his side. It had been more than a half year that Jack and he had been at the farm and things had changed to a certain degree. They had spent most days and nights together, more than Ennis could ever imagine possible. A man and a woman who shared a bed, though they didn’t get married, they were considered family. But it was different for them. They shared the bed but that didn’t make them ‘a family’.
Looking at things from this perspective, being here was more like an excuse for some ‘convenient sex’. And without sex, they were just two men sharing the bunkhouse.
Fuck, that sounded damn…empty.
Something was missing, Ennis knew. But what was that something?
He married Alma and had two children. He worked his fingers to the bones so at the end of the day, they would have nice food and a warm house. He was not happy, but he was a daddy and a husband and he knew he was there for a reason.
But here with Jack, he didn’t see what lay before him at the end of the road. They couldn’t get married. And Jack didn’t need him to cover his ass, he was strong enough to take care of himself. Hell, Jack was a man alright. And Ennis loved this man, that was one true thing. But why did he feel something was missing? Why did he feel empty?
Was it true when they said love wasn’t enough?
++++++++++
“We should get a T.V.”
“Huh?”
“A T.V.,” Jack said again, poured his coffee and put the pot of coffee back on the stove. “I have some money saved. Could buy one.”
Ennis winced, didn’t like the hidden message in Jack’s voice. “I have some money saved, too, ya know. But I don’t see what’s so good about having a television.”
Ennis’s tone was rougher than he had meant it to be but Jack seemed to let it pass. “They have good movies. All the commercials are kinda fun.”
“Ain’t got no time to watch it anyway.”
Ennis walked to the sink and rinsed his cup, knowing Jack’s eyes were following him.
“What’s wrong, Ennis? Everything alright?”
“Yep, why?”
A long pause, too long so that Ennis had to turn and look at Jack who still kept his gaze on him. “I don’t know. But ya seem distracted.”
“I’m alright.” Ennis bit the skin on his thumb. “Really, I’m fine… It’s just the funeral and stuff, ya know. It’s…”
“I know.” Jack was smiling now and suddenly Ennis saw a hint of excitement in those blue eyes. The one that always summoned an involuntarily smile on his face, too.
“What’s that look for? Ya look like a looney.”
“Know what, bud. I got something that might cheer ya up.”
Jack bounced up from the chair into his room. Ennis chuckled as he heard the sound of the box flipping open. Then Jack was out with a big cassette player with speakers on both sides. He put it on one side of the kitchen counter that was empty, turned to Ennis with the widest grin on his face.
“So?”
“So? What?
“C’mon, Ennis,” Jack threw his hands in the direction of Ennis’s stuff on the floor. “I saw you bring more cassettes. It’s been sitting in ma room forever. Better put it out here. If we open the door, I figure we can hear the music even when we’re working out in the field.”
“I can work without one just fine. Ya need that, just as well keep it in yer room.”
Didn’t know why but Ennis just fumed over seeing that cassette player. He grabbed his hat and was about to walk out the door when Jack spoke again,
“What the fuck, Ennis?”
“Nothin! Quit this, won’t ya?”
They looked at each other again and Jack nodded slowly. He knew Ennis was bothered by something. But it seemed this was not the right time to push. He sighed, “Alright.”
“Gotta go into town with Joel.”
“Wait,” Jack stepped away from the counter, trying to smile and lighten things up again. “I got something else for ya, too. The thing is I went ta town and…”
“I ain’t wanting anything, Jack!”
Whether it’s a damn television or a radio, keep them, shithead. Ya want it, not me. I’m doing just fine with ma poor damn self, Ennis almost shouted out loud. But he stopped when he saw Jack’s grim expression, his mouth hanging open in shock at Ennis sudden outburst. Shit, what the fuck happened to him?
“Jack…” Ennis rubbed his face.
“Ya know what, fuck you.”
“Jack…”
“And I don’t even care what’s been eating ya.”
Ennis frowned then, “Told ya I’m alright, damnit.”
“Fine!”
“Fine!”
“Fine!!”
Ennis bit his lips and stamped out of the door, his shoulder knocking the new-comer off balance. Luke cursed, rubbing his sore shoulder, looking over his shoulder to a grumping Ennis who was tramping on the ground as if to break the earth, then to a sore-looking Jack who was rinsing his coffee cup so hard like he had just been drinking mud or something.
He scratched above his ear, “Nothing looks fine ta me.”
++++++++++
“That stupid mule, I swear sometime it’s like I don’t even know him at all!”
Luke sipped the whiskey in his hand, winced as the bitter-sweet liquid burned his throat down to his stomach. It had somewhat become his duty to practically sit on the bale of hay and listen to Jack’s complaints about something he couldn’t discuss with Ennis, like the things about Ennis himself.
He had driven six hours straight from Riverton at midnight, was delayed by the big herd of sheep crossing the highway south of Fort Collins so he was an hour late. He headed to the bunkhouse hoping to catch forty winks but instead was forced to half sit, half lay down on the bed of hay, with Jack talking and cursing Ennis while he was working with the forklift.
“Luke? Ya sleepy? Shit, sorry. I forgot ya been driving all night.”
“That’s ok…where are we?”
Jack sighed then, throwing the last bale of hay atop the pile near him, “He’s acting weird…”
Jack recalled when he greeted Ennis at the door of the bunkhouse yesterday. Ennis was carrying some stuff from his truck to the kitchen, looked at him and then said ‘hey’. Just that. Then he was all quiet throughout dinner, refused to watch the movie with all of them and went straight to the bunkhouse. When Jack went back, poked in Ennis’s room, the blond-haired man was already asleep.
He knew Ennis tended to crawl back into his shell once in a while, to gather himself when he felt unsure, Jack reckoned. He would want to be alone or keep himself busy every time he got back from Riverton and Jack would just let him be.
But this morning, Ennis just blurted that out at the damn cassette player. What the hell?
“Ya know what, Jack?” Luke said, dragging Jack back from the whirlpool of thought. “Perhaps, it may be true.”
“What?”
“That you don’t know Ennis.”
Jack’s brows went together, “What cha mean?”
“I don’t know…figure every relationship is the same. This time last year, I thought Ennis might be deaf, ya know, how he can be so closed-down and everything.”
Jack chuckled despite himself, “He’s been like that for the last twelve years. I’ve known him all ma life, Luke, still…”
“Reckon ya don’t know him at nine though.” Luke smiled, leaning a bit more on the hay. “I had a nice talk with ma sister yesterday. I been with her all my life but I just realized why she hated frogs. Told me a story about when she was nine and sat on one of them frogs by accident. Said she screamed her little head off, swore not to get near them again.” Luke laughed, “Good Lord, girls…”
So Luke thought Ennis and he were in a relationship? Well.... Weren’t they?
“Hell, Jack, I’m 39 and my sister just told me what happened ta her like twenty-five years ago and she talks the leg off the lamb of God! What cha expect of Ennis?”
They laughed for a while before their laughter faded, serious expressions showing on both of their faces.
“Let him be. Stop worrying. It destroys yer system. Let’s go to the main house. I miss our little lady.”
Luke sprang up and headed out of the barn, didn’t wait for Jack. He knew Jack would follow. Hugging himself and sheltering his shivering body from the fierce coldness of the wind, Luke couldn’t help but wonder why there was no easy path for a relationship, including this one that had already lasted for twelve years.
It took a while for Jack to follow. He wasn’t in a mood for a happy family-like time now and he hoped for more work to keep his mind busy. Jack had checked the baler that had been parked there since the beginning of winter ‘cause they wouldn’t be harvesting hay over the winter. He had checked the hay, making sure they had more than enough of it to feed the four horses during winter. They would start planting the new crop of hay in two months, had to wait until spring.
Looking around the already neat barn, Jack decided maybe he could chop some logs.
It was four in the afternoon when Jack had done loading the logs in the basement of the main house. Luke was talking with Kale Hanson, who had come for some measuring jobs at noon, and Jack waved to both of them as he filled the back of his truck with the rest of the logs and headed back to the bunkhouse.
Jack riveted his eyes on Ennis’s boxes at the corner of the kitchen. He saw some cassettes in one of them boxes, looked over at the cassette player on the counter and shrugged. He wouldn’t be spying. He needed some music after a hard day of working and all these things were laid out in plain sight for God to see anyway. So Jack sat down beside Ennis’s boxes, digging for some cassettes.
The truth was Jack was quite excited to see what exactly Ennis’s preference was when it came to music. Yeah, he didn’t know the 31-year-old Ennis who drove and listened to cassettes, but Jack was going to learn more about that person now.
John Denver, Don Williams, John Denver, Willie Nelson…shit…Ennis, Jack smiled. He couldn’t believe Ennis was following the chart-hitting songs like this. With more of Tanya Tucker and Emmylou Harris, Ennis could complete Lureen’s collection. Jack dug some more and rolled over laughing when he found some of The Eagles’ cassettes, more out of disbelief than anything else.
Yer damn right, Luke, I hardly knew this man at all.
Jack settled on the Eagles’ Desperado, went over to the cassette player and played that album. He sang along with Don Henley as he crouched down beside the boxes again. Beneath the cassettes, there were some horse journals, covered with dust but still they looked interesting. He flipped open the first one and read the cover story about a horse in Louisiana whose owner’s leg was wounded by a trap. She stayed there with him until help came.
Jack scanned the journal a while longer then looked at the second box, two mugs and three plates, several old shirts folded beneath them. He moved it out of the way but before he could go on to the next box, he saw a big yellow phonebook there.
Jack blinked in wonder. Why did Ennis bring the phonebook when they didn’t even have a phone at the bunkhouse?
Jack grasped it by the binding and something fell out on his lap, some papers…no…they were postcards.
“Jesus, Ennis,” Jack gasped as he picked up the first one that lay on his shin, the one with the picture of the rodeo competition in Texas that said, ‘I’m going up to my folk’s place on the 14th. Say if you can make it, friend, Jack.”
He felt an impulse to cry for Ennis and himself for the last twelve years they had spent apart, to wail for two men who had to hide their feelings and lived in the darkness of a lie. Jack rubbed the torn edge of that postcard absentmindedly, recalled their time together in the past. How bad it could get during the time they were separated by three states and a cage of obligations.
Jack sighed, looked down at the postcard and up to the smallest kitchen he had ever had, almost as small as the one in his folks’ place. Ennis’s couch and the table alone almost took up all the space. But somehow, Jack knew it was the warmest of all and even a simple scrambled eggs and bacon tasted like heaven in here.
Both of them had come too far. There was no way they would go back, Jack wouldn’t let it happen.
Jesus, he had to talk to Ennis. He didn't know what happened but they needed to talk about it. This would be the first serious talk after seven months together and, damn, it sounded like they were now in a relationship, the real thing, too.
++++++++++
Ennis had been staring at the 12-inch television in the living room of the Robinsons’. He was thinking back to the time when he got one for Alma and the girls. He wasn’t much into that himself, Alma wasn’t fussing over that either. But Ennis just thought a television could talk to her on his behalf. Cold as it sounded, there was a time when Alma and he simply stopped communicating. God knew why…
Besides, it seemed nice for a house to have a lot of appliances.
He averted his eyes from the T.V. and found Joel and Sarah had finished talking. Joel was standing near the truck, ready to leave. So he walked out of the house and down to the gravel road.
“Thanks for the baby clothes, Sarah.”
“Don’t mention it, young man,” Sarah Robinson said and patted Joel’s shoulder. “Why buy new ones? My girls are too big for those knitted small clothes anyway.”
“Thank you. And oh, thanks for other stuff, too. God, we look like refugees with this stuff in the back of the truck.”
Sarah laughed, “My sister moved to the East Coast, ain’t no point leaving all this stuff to gather dust. Say hello to Monica and the little girl for me.”
“I will, good night, ma’am.”
Joel tipped his hat to Sarah and Ennis copied his gesture before getting in the truck. He started the ignition and drove off back to the ranch.
Sarah’s sister was leaving in two days and apparently, Sarah wanted Monica to have her clothes and some more baby stuff. Maybe Ennis would have to take Monica there again tomorrow.
As soon as they arrived at the farm, Ennis helped Joel move the stuff from the back of the truck to the main house and drove to the bunkhouse. He shut down the engine but just sat there, staring in front of the truck at nothing in particular.
His mind traveled back to this morning and he groaned. He blew up at Jack over a cassette player and they fought like a teenage couple. Couple? He groaned louder at that and swung his leg out of the door.
If Jack wanted to put a damn cassette player in the kitchen, he could damn well do that. The bunkhouse was theirs, not his alone.
Ennis pushed the back door to the kitchen open and blinked at the unexpected emptiness. He walked in, took off his hat and just stood there in the middle of the room, staring at the cassette player awkwardly, almost fearing it would start talking to him or something.
A crack of the door, and Jack peeked out from his room, big blue eyes were on him and Ennis looked down, scratching the back of his shin with his boot.
“Dinner’s at six,” he murmured and turned around, sitting quietly at the couch.
He heard Jack close the door and then he was walking to the fridge and brought out two cans of beer. A brief exchange of eye contact then Jack sat beside him, both of them sipping the beer, the gap between them on the couch as big as an ocean between.
“Shit,” Jack cursed and sprang off of the couch to the kitchen counter. “Was going to keep the damn thing in my room but forgot.” Jack pulled the plug of the cassette player and was about to haul it up when Ennis stopped him.
“Ya don’t havta do that. Just...if you wanna have it there, then leave it be. It’s alright, really.” Ennis sighed as Jack looked at him in bewilderment. “Ya should know how fucked-up I can be.”
Jack was quiet, leaning on the counter, “Wanna tell me what happened?”
Ennis leant back on the couch and stretched his legs, sighing long and scrunching his eyes shut. Jack waited while he paid attention real closely to the man who laid out his limbs across from him. Ennis looked tired. His pale face looked even paler and it seemed to suck the rest of the color from Ennis.
“Ennis,” Jack slowly walked back to the couch, sat down beside him. Ennis opened his eyes, feeling his tense muscles relax a little.
“This cousin of mine, Aaron Simpson, and my brother K.E. and I …we used ta throw eggs at this gal’s bedroom window. Suzy Rembrandt. She was real ugly back then, red hair, tall, and her legs were real long like them egrets.” Ennis chuckled despite himself and Jack shifted swiftly to his side, bending one of his legs up on the cushion, his knee brushing Ennis’s arm.
“But she never cried, strong girl, always ran after us with a broom. They got married six years later. Damn.”
Jack looked at the side of Ennis’s face, moved his eyes down to Ennis’s lips which were now painted with a faint sweet smile, letting his gaze go up again to the temple with damp curls so smooth and soft. He made a sound in his throat, encouraging Ennis to talk more.
“They got two girls, twins, always dressed up identical like them dolls even in the funeral.” He could feel Jack’s breath steady and soft near him and, strangely, it felt good, he felt calm. “Suzy didn’t even cry, always so strong.”
“When did that happen?” Jack found himself asking and Ennis blinked at him.
“What?”
“Ya said ya and him threw eggs at her house. When was that?”
“Um,” Ennis smiled again, soothed by sweet childhood memories. “Around ten, I reckon.”
“What happened next? Ya got yer ass whipped by the broom or somethin’ fer that?”
“Jesus, no.” Ennis laughed a little. “But we ran away like a tiger was chasing after us. Never felt that exhausted in ma life. Why ya want ta know this?”
Jack shrugged and buried the side of his face more in the back of the couch. “It’s kinda nice ta know somethin’ about a ten-year-old Ennis Del Mar. Though I can’t picture ya gettin’ chased by a red-haired girl on the street.”
They shared soft chuckles at that, “It’s just weird ta be back at a house with many people and stuff, ya know.”
“Like a real family?”
“Yeah, husband and wife and…stuff…” Ennis trailed off, then cleared his throat. “Jack, ya really want…a T.V.?”
Jack shook his head, “Shit, Ennis…”
“Really, I wanna know.”
“No, I don’t want the damn T.V.”
“But…”
“I said I want one, didn’t mean I really want ta have one.” Jack sighed and scooted closer to Ennis. “A T.V. ain’t gonna make a family out of us, Ennis. But yer my family now. Ya, Bobby and mama. Fuck the T.V.”
Ennis scratched the side of his face, feeling embarrassed all of a sudden. He then looked up to the cassette player and heard Jack shift beside him.
“Truth is I have somethin’ else I really wanna show ya, Ennis. But it’s damn pussy. I was afraid ya would laugh at me. So I just thought of that cassette player instead.”
Ennis frowned, his curiosity rose up despite everything, “What’s that?”
Jack glanced at him with narrowed eyes, “Ya will laugh at me.”
“I ain’t laughing now, am I?”
“The girl at the shop counter was smiling like crazy when I handed it ta her. I know ya’ll laugh.” But Jack pushed himself up on his feet anyway, “I was out in town a few days back and was at the store waiting for the laundry when I found this.”
Jack talked as he walked back to his room and back again with a small brown envelope. Peeking at Jack one more time, Ennis opened the envelope and blinked at the thin sheet of…stickers, green and sparkling stickers in the shape of stars and moons and suns in all sizes.
Ennis glanced up again and Jack was leaning on the couch, arms crossed. But he was fixing his eyes on Ennis as if to dare him to laugh. Ennis smiled then and he felt the muscle around his cheek expand into a big grin. He bit his lips, trying to think about the image of Jack paying for this sparkling sticker.
Jack threw his arms in the air, “Fine! Go on, laugh.”
But Ennis didn’t laugh. He stood up and grabbed a chair, dragged it to his room, stopped and went in Jack’s room instead. Jack was close behind.
“Hey! Yer room!”
“Nah, ya bought it, yer room.”
Jack just looked at him, hands on his hips, but he didn’t seem to object. He went on talking about the sticker as Ennis placed the chair near his bed.
“They got these silver and gold Star Trek stickers and that gal at the counter kept asking me if this is the damn thing I want.”
“And what cha say?” Ennis handed the stickers to Jack and climbed on the chair, couldn’t stop grinning as he wiped the ceiling clean with some tissue.
“I said my niece wanted the stars for her science project about galaxies and stuff. I woulda taken the Star Trek one if there were more stars than the damn spacecrafts. Or ya want the spacecraft one?”
“Only if ya want this ta be Bobby’s room.”
“Shit, ya put those things up and it’s Junior’s room already.”
Ennis just chuckled when he snatched the big green star from the tip of Jack’s index finger and they worked in silence, with Jack handing him the stickers and Ennis placing each one of them up on the ceiling until they got their private galaxy in green.
“This is nice,” Jack said, propping himself up on the bed on his elbows. Ennis sat down on the chair, stretching his legs on Jack’s bed, ankles crossed, looking up to the stars.
He remembered how long he had always been staring at the glow-in-the-dark stickers in his small house before he moved the last piece of his belongings out. And how many times he stayed awake at night here in Aurora, thinking back to the comfort of the familiarity that kept him safe and sane, some small things like stars that had been there for him, watching over him while he was alone in the dark.
“Ya know what?” Jack said, throwing one of his legs over Ennis’s on the bed, “Fuck T.V., I can stay and look at that forever.”
Ennis averted his gaze from the ceiling to Jack, the same man he had known from Brokeback who always thought about him more than his family. This should be enough, hell, they were together at last, weren’t they? They had done the hardest part already.
But what’s with the emptiness? The white blankness that he saw whenever he thought about their future.
Ennis uncrossed his legs and swung one of them over Jack’s and enjoyed the puff of laughter from that man whose legs were now trapped between his.
“Tell me more about yer cousin,” Jack said when his laughter died down and Ennis shrugged,
“Nothin’ much. He quit school ta work fer my uncle. But when my folks died, I was going to school and he was working somewhere else, so we didn’t see much of each other. We just sent Christmas cards once a year, mostly his wife wrote the card and Alma kind of sent one back ta them anyway. Good man, poor soul though, died so young.”
“Um…”
“You? What cha like at ten?”
“I was a pain in the ass, stealing carrots and potatoes from the farm in the neighborhood.”
“I shoulda known, aw!” Jack kicked his shin with his free leg and Ennis shook Jack’s captive leg with his, “C’mon, tell me more. Fill me up.”
Jack smiled and lay down, shoved both hands under his head as he thought of more to say. Ennis waited.
There might be emptiness in his heart, but he was going to fill it up with Jack, and just Jack. Maybe one day, he could see what really was waiting for them at the end of the road. But for now, just Jack was enough.
TBC