Fragile Chapter 4 "A Crimson Rose"
Title: Fragile
Author: fridayblues
Pairing: Ennis/Jack
Disclaimer: Ennis, Jack and BBM belong to Annie Prouxl. I'm writing from love and making no profit (and don't want to). Some main events in this not-so original story is based on the Japanese novel/series "Bara no Nai Hanaya" written by Nojima Shinji.
My Deepest Thanks: to judy_blue_cat--the beta babe who is better than my English teacher!
Feedback: I would appreciate each and all feedback. It's what feeding my muse.
Chapter 4 "A Crimson Rose"
“Ethan Del Mar.”
From behind the birch tree and rows of bench occupied by proud parents, Ennis squinted up at the “Class of ’00” sign and watched Ethan walk up to the stage in a white and blue gown. His lips formed a small smile as his brother accepted the certificate from a white-haired principal with an awkward look on his face. His chest expanded with something-pride maybe.
His brother finished grade 12--the first one in their family who ever finished high school. God, he was proud to death. He was sure Mom and Dad were proud, too, and they must be watching from somewhere up there beyond the clouds.
Screams and yells broke his reverie, and Ennis’s smile got wider as blue hats were tossed up in the sky, putting an end to Ethan’s three years in high school.
In the sea of people, he spotted Ethan finally, but it was impossible to reach him. That was ok. Ethan had a long night ahead of him to hang out and party with his friends. They would celebrate later at home. Yeah, they had a lot of time now that Ethan didn’t have a midnight curfew anymore.
Ennis walked back to the parking lot with a dimpled smile still plastered on his face.
“Well, somebody is happy.”
Jimmy, the owner of the diner where Ennis was working at night, poked his head out from the driver’s seat of an old silver Ford, one-year-old Junior gurgling merrily within his grasp. Ennis got in the passenger seat, didn’t try to hide the smile as Junior clawed across the seat to his lap. “I can’t be happy?”
“Didn’t say that. Listen, Ennis, you don’t have to come to work tonight. You can hang out with your brother.”
“That’s ok.” Ennis shrugged, hugging Junior against his chest. “He’s out with his friends. I’ll go to work.”
“Alright.” Jimmy nodded. Ennis noticed-not for the first time-how his dark fringe fell on his forehead as he did that. The guy in his late twenties reached out and patted Ennis’s shoulder. It was merely a second, or less than that, but the warmth from his touch still burned Ennis’s skin to the bone.
When they passed the square where the graduation ceremony had been held no more than twenty minutes ago, it was now fairly empty. And there, facing the stage, David McAllen was standing in a black suit, hands buried deep inside his pants pockets. Ennis couldn’t see his face, even when he twisted his head and looked until the car pulled out of the school gate.
“What? Someone you know?” Jimmy asked.
Ennis didn’t answer. Goosebumps ran over his body as a thought crossed his mind. Today wasn’t only Ethan’s graduation day. It was also Megan’s, if only she were still here.
* * *
“Ennis!”
The clock struck ten when Ethan pushed open the back door of the diner. Ennis jumped. “I thought you’d be with friends until tomor…”
“Ennis, we have to go.”
“What?” Ennis blinked in surprise.
“Let’s go home, pack up and leave!”
Ennis didn’t move. Fear overlapped wonder as he saw his brother’s pale face and his troubled expression. “What happened?”
“Dr. McAllen,” Ethan said, breathing fast. “I saw him at school.”
“And?”
“What do you mean “and”?” Ethan hissed. Ennis noticed how his shoulder tensed, hands on his hips the way he stood when frustration clouded over his sense.
“Jesus, Ethan. It’s been a year now. If Dr. McAllen wants Junior, he should have come to us already. It’s not like he can’t find us. Calm down.”
“You don’t understand. Ennis, he’s going to come after us and Junior.”
“How come?” Ennis watched his baby brother bite his lower lip. He could almost hear the sound of his brain working, but he couldn’t really read what was inside his head. Fear bloomed in his heart again, like a black cloud looming over bright, blue sky. Something had happened. And not something good. “What the hell happened?”
Ethan swallowed. “I slashed his tire.”
“Oh, Jesus Christ,”
“I didn’t mean to, I…”
“Jesus,” Ennis clutched his hair. “Did he see you?”
“I don’t know!”
“Are you crazy!?!” Ennis shouted, hands came flying in the air. “Is he alright?”
Panic grabbed his heart as Ethan’s face turned bloodless. “I think…I think his car ran off the road…”
The two of them looked at each other in absolute silence, only their hard breathing echoed in the room. For a couple of kids like them who had lost their beloved parents in a car accident, running off the road meant nothing but dead.
Ennis’s hand flew to cover his mouth, and he shook his head in disbelief. “What have you done?”
“I’m sorry, ok? I didn’t mean it!” Ethan said with a trembling voice, fear plain in his eyes. “Can we talk later? Let’s just get out of here.”
Ennis was rooted there, watching Ethan stuff Junior’s clothes and toys in a bag. The baby laughed when Ethan gathered her in his arms, not knowing what had happened. Not knowing that maybe her grandfather was now lying somewhere in the dirt, not breathing… Oh my God.
“Where’re you going?”
A calm voice reached their ears. Startled, both turned to see Jimmy who had just entered the kitchen with a tray full of dirty dishes. Ennis took a long look at his brother whose face suddenly reflected the face of the boy years ago who had just lost his mom and dad. The same expression that made him push a couple of social workers away as Ethan cried and clung onto his arm for dear life, not wanting to be taken away without him.
“I have to go,” Ennis said, feeling Ethan’s stare cut through his back as he moved closer to Jimmy-the man who had been nothing but good to him, the man who made him feel a little safer and less lonely in this world.
“Where? Where are you going?” Jimmy inquired with a strong voice. “Ennis?”
“I’m sorry.”
“You can’t just run away from stuff, you know.”
Ennis nodded. He knew. But now he had no choice. His family needed him. “I’m sorry,” he said again, this time met Jimmy’s eyes. Something squeezed his chest as he cast one last look at the doubtful face of a man who strangely kept him awake some nights.
“Bye, Jimmy.”
What happened after that was like a faded dream-a set of events that sucked him in and left him with emptiness. The next thing he knew, they were in Folsom. Time passed but the pain was still there. Ennis was no stranger to pain. He was born with it. But it was the first time in his life that pain came to him in the form of a broken heart. And it hurt like hell.
* * *
“Bye,” Junior waved to Stephanie as she wove her small hand into the warm palm of her daddy. She squinted up to smile at Ennis and swung their clasped hands together. “Will Jack join us for dinner again tonight, Daddy?”
Ennis swung their hands higher, smiling when she bounced and giggled. “Not tonight, honey.”
“Do you think I can make Edward a blue jacket so he can look more like him?”
Ennis chuckled. “I think he wouldn’t mind.” The thought of seeing Jack tonight suddenly made his stomach queasy. And he had to change the topic to something very mundane to stop the mad thump of his pulse. “So? What are you going to do at school today?”
“We’ll take turns telling stories about our summer holiday. Lucy will talk about spending time with her poppa in Wisconsin.” Junior’s skip turned jagged as she asked the next question. “Where’s my grandpa, Daddy?”
Ennis sighed. He knew this was coming sooner or later. Junior had been beating around the bush for some time now but never said a word about the older generation of her family when something roused her curiosity-like when one of her friends’ grandpa was dressed up as Santa last Christmas. She kept her mouth closed, despite how her eyes were swimming with questions to which a girl her age couldn’t easily figure out answers. But she was the Del Mar more than he thought, ‘cause she chose not to ask, until she couldn’t keep quiet anymore. And today was the day.
He looked down at her greenish eyes, his grip around her fragile hand tightened instinctively. “Of course, you have your grandpa. But he’s very busy. He’s a doctor.”
“He’s a doctor?” Junior’s face lit up. “He can cure Edward when he’s sick!”
“Yes.”
“What does he look like, daddy?” She started swinging their hands again, swaying them up as far as her strength allowed. Ennis tried to recall the image of Dr. McAllen. All he remembered was the fierce look of a mean man who shut the door on his own daughter’s face once he had learnt she got pregnant, and the sad look of a heart-broken man on what would have been his late daughter’s graduation day.
“Well, he has dark brown hair,” Ennis stuck with the appearance, voice cracked as he struggled to recall the image of a man in his late 40s who once welcomed him inside the house for a glass of water after he had finished cleaning the pool. It was a blurry image. Still, it was there. “He wears glasses. And he’s very kind.”
“He must be very busy…”
“He is, darling.” Ennis touched her face with his free hand. “But I’m sure he misses you.”
She smiled and tugged his hand. “I miss him, too.”
They walked at a leisurely pace. Junior chattered on about her gym class when she got the first place in running yesterday. It was a bit after eight when they reached her school. Ennis scrunched down before her. “Uncle Ethan will pick you up, ok?”
“Ok. Where’re you going?”
He just smiled and tugged her blond hair behind her ears. “We’ll talk later. Come here.” He kissed her cheeks and watched her run inside with her bag. They exchanged a wave before Junior bounced inside the building with her friends.
Ennis slipped his hands in his jeans pockets. He looked at the school, the kids who played around with each other and, for some reason, quickly turned his back on it. This was not a time for an image of the past to surge up, Ennis told himself. But as he walked back on the pavement, he felt like he had stepped on the shadow of someone from long time ago. That was when he realized how something just refused to leave his mind.
* * *
The bus jerked to a stop, rudely dragging Jack out of one of the best dreams he had ever had for years. He had dreamed about flowers-lots of colorful flowers, and his mom standing in the midst of them, the blue-dotted dress she liked to wear swaying in a gentle wind, her face bright and radiant with a smile.
“Come here, Jacky,” she had said. “See this rose?”
Jack had walked to her, flowers, plants and leaves brushing against his legs as he made his way to his mother, where a lone red rose was thrusting its young bud high above bunches of lilies and carnations, daisies and tulips, poppies and azaleas.
“Isn’t it beautiful?” Ma had asked. “A rose is the queen of all flowers. It represents love. Now, come take care of your rose. Touch it, very carefully.”
Jack had reached out, curious at the tone of his mother’s voice-the one she used when she had a surprise for him. The first contact was barely a tap of his fingertip to the fragile outer petal. The rose bud seemed to lean into his touch. Jack had looked up at her with questioning eyes. Go on, she whispered. So, gradually, he touched the bud again, this time cradled it in his palms. He almost forgot to breathe as the petals loosened, one by one. The rose bloomed slowly upon the touch of his hands, like magic, like he was the sun.
Jack could feel the softness and see the sign of life blooming against the grasp of his palms. His mother had stood so close he could smell the sweet aroma from her hair. Everything was too vivid to be something that happened only in his head. Still, it was just a dream.
The bus jerked again and headed off to the next destination, shaking him free of the floating feeling and bringing him back to the ground.
His head hurt again. Was cancer a run-in-genetic symptom?
“Ha, maybe you should ask Dr. McAllen to check for you,” Jack whispered to himself. The hospital where the said doctor worked, and where his dad was a patient, appeared before his eyes. Jack got out of the seat and prepared to get off the bus, wondering if he had to get accustomed to this routine for the rest of his life.
The bus jerked to another stop. Cursing under his breath, Jack stepped off the bus, shuddering as the cold morning air enveloped him. He grabbed a newspaper from the news stand-another routine he had to get used to, and headed inside. Other days, he would walk through the visiting area with head bent down, not wanting to converse with anyone. But it was different today.
In front of an elevator, Ethan was standing there, arms crossed, a stern expression on his face. Jack didn’t flinch. They looked at each other, no measured look was needed ‘cause both sides were certain they would meet again. And they both knew the reason why.
Still, neither of them moved. Jack could see that Ethan’s head was working and he felt like the skin of his flesh was being stripped off. But he wouldn’t tell Ethan the reason behind his fake blindness. Ethan could think of him the way he wanted. Let him fit together the jigsaw pieces to form an ugly picture of him, ‘cause Jack had made a decision that he would tell everything to Ennis--and Ennis only.
The silence that was stretched between them was cut short by the sound of a man’s voice that was heard along with the sound of the sliding door. Dr. McAllen.
“Come here. Don’t turn around.”
Jack pushed Ethan to the corner. Nervous heat coiled around them, and Jack felt sweat running down his spine as he led them behind some kind of an artificial tree that was standing there with excessive branches-forming their hiding place. Ethan quietly walked beside Jack, studying him all the while until they were behind the tree.
From where they were standing, Jack kept his eyes on Ethan as he observed Dr. McAllen talking with a couple of nurses in front of the elevator. Ethan started to tremble, his breath quickened as a minute turned into two. He looked like he was seeing…a ghost or something. The tremble turned more visible, and his forehead was covered in a sheen of sweat. For a moment, Jack thought he was going to fall on his knees. But when the elevator’s door closed, Ethan just bolted off, leaving him there alone.
Feeling even more perplexed by all that had happened, Jack dragged his feet up to his father’s room in astonishment. The ward where he was staying was as quiet as a graveyard even in the morning. Jack hated how his footsteps echoed on the wooden floor as if he was the only living thing on the earth. With a newspaper clutched in his hand, he opened the door only to be engulfed by a cloud of cigarette smoke. He coughed and frowned up to his old man who was half sitting, half leaning on the bed, exhaling another trail of white smoke from deep in his lungs.
“Jesus, dad,” Jack walked to open the window wider. “You want the fire alarm to go off?”
“Where is my newspaper?”
He approached the bed and reached out his hand--a wordless request for a swap of the things they were holding. John Twist wasn’t happy but traded the cigarette for the newspaper anyway. With a grunt, Jack walked to the bathroom, threw the butt into the toilet and flushed it down. He was sure his dad had a full pack of cigarettes hidden somewhere but he had no strength to squeeze out a word from his stubborn father.
When he walked out of the bathroom, John Twist wasn’t reading the newspaper as he had expected, but was engaged in a series of chest-heaving coughs that shook his whole body. Panicked, Jack rushed to John’s side but was pushed away.
“I’m alright,” his father said in between coughing. There was a knock on the door, shortly before Dr. McAllen and a nurse came in the room.
The doctor’s nose wrinkled. “You know smoking is prohibited in the room, John. And it’s not good for you especially when you’re preparing for an operation.”
“Who? Operation?” John’s mouth twisted. “Not me.”
“Dad…”
“I’m not going to have a damn operation. Period.” Dr. McAllen made a sound in his throat and simply handed the file back to the nurse. He observed Jack’s father a bit, running his eyes up and down, then nodded, and off he went out of the room.
“No operation for me,” John insisted when there were only two of them. “Remember this in your head. I’m not living on someone else’s money. If I’m going to die, I’ll bury my pride with me.”
“Dad…”
“Go to work.” John waved his hand and turned back to the newspaper. Jack bit his lip and just stayed rooted there, head blank. He didn’t know what to do, didn’t know what to think anymore. His cell rang then. It was Ennis and he simply said, ‘Meet you at the square. 5 PM’. Jack kneaded his head. How was he supposed to just…go there, meet Ennis and tell him he wasn’t blind? It seemed like he was walking in the maze. And there was no easy way out from here.
* * *
Ennis finished his work with the lilies a little before four and took a shower. He spent another 20 minutes looking around the flower shop and thinking of taking a few crimson roses from the vase. It might be weird to bring Jack flowers. The thought brought heat to his face. Ethan came in the door, looking like he wanted to say something. His forehead crinkled as he studied Ennis’s clean clothes and flushed expression. “Where’re you going?”
“Town…”
“Where to?” Ethan’s eyes narrowed. “To see Jack?”
“I have to go. Talk to you later.”
“Ennis…There’s something you have to know about him.”
He sighed. “Maybe. But I need to know that from him.”
“Ennis, listen, I’m ok with…who you are and who you want to be with…but…” Ethan looked up to the ceiling as if he was asking for strength from someone up there. “This Jack…there’s something…I met…”
“Have you ever walked in the garden and seen a rose that somehow stands out from the others?” Ennis cut him off. He looked down at his feet and turned to a vase of roses. “They’re all red roses, and there’re plenty of them but, don’t know why, you’re glued to this particular rose that doesn’t look different. There is something about that rose that you just have to get a closer look and… I don’t know. I just have to meet him. I just have to.”
“I have a bad feeling about this.” Ethan’s eyes were pleading. “Ennis, something is not right. I don’t think we can stay here…”
“We can’t run away again,” Ennis whispered. “Whatever happens, we have to face it, Ethan. I don’t want to run anywhere again. I can’t, not this time.” Not when I know who I’m going to lose.
* * *
Jack looked up at the gray sky and closed his eyes, letting the gentle wind tousle his hair. Ennis had arrived almost 10 minutes ago but they hadn’t talked, just sat together on the bench near the fountain in the town square, basking in an evening sunlight under the shade of trees.
“Ennis?”
“Hmmm?” He turned to look at Jack, taking in his sculpted face, long lashes and bright eyes.
“I lied to you,” Jack started. “I’m not blind.”
It took a moment until Jack’s words completely slipped into his brain. Jack isn’t blind? The answer lay with the pair of sad blue eyes that were now holding his gaze, expressing more emotions than any blind man could.
“I can see you.” Jack continued talking in his soft voice. “I saw how your hair turned the color of chestnut when you stood under the sun, saw how your curls danced in the wind as you jogged toward me. I saw how your freckles are spattered over your face like stars, and your lips, your eyes…”
Ennis opened his mouth but nothing came out. He was so stunned he lost any ability to speak. Jack wasn’t blind?
Jack bit his lips hard. “Say something, Ennis.”
“Why?” It came out hoarsely.
Jack pinched the bridge of his nose. “This is going to sound like an excuse but… My dad is in a hospital and I was offered money for his operation. All I have to do is…to get close to you and find out about something. Listen, Ennis. David McAllen… He’s in town.”
“What? Who?!?”
“Dr. McAllen, I…” Ennis’s face mirrored that of Ethan’s this morning. It scared Jack. “Are you ok?”
“You know him? He’s the one who is paying you?”
“Yeah, I…” Jack sighed. “I don’t work for him anymore, ok? I think he might try to take Junior away… You can’t let that...”
“Don’t you talk like you know us ‘cause you don’t!” Abruptly, Ennis stood up and started to pace, cursing and clutching his own hair. All the while, Jack kept his gaze on Ennis’s black boots that were smeared with dirt and grass. He thought about the lily farm, about the rose in his dream, about his mama, and wondered if he could have a chance to watch a real rose bloom in his own hands. His life was so fucked up. He deserved no flowers.
Suddenly, Ennis stopped right before him. “Why are you doing this?”
“I…” Jack dared to glance up to the intense look on Ennis’s face. He had that frown which Jack wanted to rub off his forehead since the first time they met. And his thin lips were pressed together into a thin, tight line. But his brown eyes shone with something that took his breath away.
“You should have just...taken the money and gone…”
“I can’t.”
“Why?”
Jack swallowed. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
Ennis took a deep breath and turned his back to Jack, his voice a painful murmur as he said, “But we just met.”
“I know. It’s crazy, isn’t it, how much you can feel for someone you just met.”
Jack couldn’t take his eyes off Ennis’s back, so he didn’t. It might be the last time he got to be this close to the man of his dream he didn’t know existed. The last time. That stung, but Jack hadn’t forgotten that he was here for another reason: returning Megan’s letters.
“Here,” Jack said, handing over three letters from his shirt pocket. “I took them from your house. I’m sorry. But I only read the first one. I didn’t read the rest.”
Ennis gasped in surprise when he saw the letters and Jack felt even worse, whispering ‘sorry’ again as Ennis slumped on the bench beside him.
“God, I should just kill you.” Ennis’s words were muffled in the hands that were covering his face. “Everything is a lie, isn’t it?”
“Not everything.”
Ennis just shook his head. He didn’t stop shaking it even when he leant back on the bench, eyes fixed somewhere ahead of him. Jack leant back, too, slowly, careful not to invade Ennis’s space. It was the closest they could be, but Jack felt like there was an ocean between them.
“You disappointed?”
Jack bolted upright. “What are you talking about?”
“Now that you’re not blind…”
Jack studied Ennis’s face, looked at him until Ennis turned to meet his eyes. Jack saw uncertainty, vulnerability. But Ennis had never been so beautiful.
“No.” He shook his head. “I like what I see.”
Ennis closed his eyes and kept them shut for a long time.”
“Love is the feel of your hands that wipe tears from my eyes,” he said, opening his eyes and blinking slowly against the sun. “Love is when you buy me lots of chocolate and apple pies.” There was a faint smile on his lips then. “That’s what Megan wrote for me on Valentine’s Day.”
Jack nodded, struggling not to show how hurt he was. “I’m sorry. I should have known they’re important to you.”
“That was the only thing she ever wrote to me.” Jack frowned, Ennis’s expression turned grim again. “Every time I let my heart take the lead my life gets screwed up. God knows I’ve been trying not to do it again but when it comes to you, I…” The words were lost in his throat as Jack watched him fight with himself. “The letters that Megan wrote, the ones you took and all the rest in the box at the back of the shop… They aren’t mine.”
“No?” Jack whispered. Time seemed to stop when Ennis nodded. Isn’t it crazy how much you feel for someone you just met?
“They are all Ethan’s.”
Author: fridayblues
Pairing: Ennis/Jack
Disclaimer: Ennis, Jack and BBM belong to Annie Prouxl. I'm writing from love and making no profit (and don't want to). Some main events in this not-so original story is based on the Japanese novel/series "Bara no Nai Hanaya" written by Nojima Shinji.
My Deepest Thanks: to judy_blue_cat--the beta babe who is better than my English teacher!
Feedback: I would appreciate each and all feedback. It's what feeding my muse.
Chapter 4 "A Crimson Rose"
“Ethan Del Mar.”
From behind the birch tree and rows of bench occupied by proud parents, Ennis squinted up at the “Class of ’00” sign and watched Ethan walk up to the stage in a white and blue gown. His lips formed a small smile as his brother accepted the certificate from a white-haired principal with an awkward look on his face. His chest expanded with something-pride maybe.
His brother finished grade 12--the first one in their family who ever finished high school. God, he was proud to death. He was sure Mom and Dad were proud, too, and they must be watching from somewhere up there beyond the clouds.
Screams and yells broke his reverie, and Ennis’s smile got wider as blue hats were tossed up in the sky, putting an end to Ethan’s three years in high school.
In the sea of people, he spotted Ethan finally, but it was impossible to reach him. That was ok. Ethan had a long night ahead of him to hang out and party with his friends. They would celebrate later at home. Yeah, they had a lot of time now that Ethan didn’t have a midnight curfew anymore.
Ennis walked back to the parking lot with a dimpled smile still plastered on his face.
“Well, somebody is happy.”
Jimmy, the owner of the diner where Ennis was working at night, poked his head out from the driver’s seat of an old silver Ford, one-year-old Junior gurgling merrily within his grasp. Ennis got in the passenger seat, didn’t try to hide the smile as Junior clawed across the seat to his lap. “I can’t be happy?”
“Didn’t say that. Listen, Ennis, you don’t have to come to work tonight. You can hang out with your brother.”
“That’s ok.” Ennis shrugged, hugging Junior against his chest. “He’s out with his friends. I’ll go to work.”
“Alright.” Jimmy nodded. Ennis noticed-not for the first time-how his dark fringe fell on his forehead as he did that. The guy in his late twenties reached out and patted Ennis’s shoulder. It was merely a second, or less than that, but the warmth from his touch still burned Ennis’s skin to the bone.
When they passed the square where the graduation ceremony had been held no more than twenty minutes ago, it was now fairly empty. And there, facing the stage, David McAllen was standing in a black suit, hands buried deep inside his pants pockets. Ennis couldn’t see his face, even when he twisted his head and looked until the car pulled out of the school gate.
“What? Someone you know?” Jimmy asked.
Ennis didn’t answer. Goosebumps ran over his body as a thought crossed his mind. Today wasn’t only Ethan’s graduation day. It was also Megan’s, if only she were still here.
* * *
“Ennis!”
The clock struck ten when Ethan pushed open the back door of the diner. Ennis jumped. “I thought you’d be with friends until tomor…”
“Ennis, we have to go.”
“What?” Ennis blinked in surprise.
“Let’s go home, pack up and leave!”
Ennis didn’t move. Fear overlapped wonder as he saw his brother’s pale face and his troubled expression. “What happened?”
“Dr. McAllen,” Ethan said, breathing fast. “I saw him at school.”
“And?”
“What do you mean “and”?” Ethan hissed. Ennis noticed how his shoulder tensed, hands on his hips the way he stood when frustration clouded over his sense.
“Jesus, Ethan. It’s been a year now. If Dr. McAllen wants Junior, he should have come to us already. It’s not like he can’t find us. Calm down.”
“You don’t understand. Ennis, he’s going to come after us and Junior.”
“How come?” Ennis watched his baby brother bite his lower lip. He could almost hear the sound of his brain working, but he couldn’t really read what was inside his head. Fear bloomed in his heart again, like a black cloud looming over bright, blue sky. Something had happened. And not something good. “What the hell happened?”
Ethan swallowed. “I slashed his tire.”
“Oh, Jesus Christ,”
“I didn’t mean to, I…”
“Jesus,” Ennis clutched his hair. “Did he see you?”
“I don’t know!”
“Are you crazy!?!” Ennis shouted, hands came flying in the air. “Is he alright?”
Panic grabbed his heart as Ethan’s face turned bloodless. “I think…I think his car ran off the road…”
The two of them looked at each other in absolute silence, only their hard breathing echoed in the room. For a couple of kids like them who had lost their beloved parents in a car accident, running off the road meant nothing but dead.
Ennis’s hand flew to cover his mouth, and he shook his head in disbelief. “What have you done?”
“I’m sorry, ok? I didn’t mean it!” Ethan said with a trembling voice, fear plain in his eyes. “Can we talk later? Let’s just get out of here.”
Ennis was rooted there, watching Ethan stuff Junior’s clothes and toys in a bag. The baby laughed when Ethan gathered her in his arms, not knowing what had happened. Not knowing that maybe her grandfather was now lying somewhere in the dirt, not breathing… Oh my God.
“Where’re you going?”
A calm voice reached their ears. Startled, both turned to see Jimmy who had just entered the kitchen with a tray full of dirty dishes. Ennis took a long look at his brother whose face suddenly reflected the face of the boy years ago who had just lost his mom and dad. The same expression that made him push a couple of social workers away as Ethan cried and clung onto his arm for dear life, not wanting to be taken away without him.
“I have to go,” Ennis said, feeling Ethan’s stare cut through his back as he moved closer to Jimmy-the man who had been nothing but good to him, the man who made him feel a little safer and less lonely in this world.
“Where? Where are you going?” Jimmy inquired with a strong voice. “Ennis?”
“I’m sorry.”
“You can’t just run away from stuff, you know.”
Ennis nodded. He knew. But now he had no choice. His family needed him. “I’m sorry,” he said again, this time met Jimmy’s eyes. Something squeezed his chest as he cast one last look at the doubtful face of a man who strangely kept him awake some nights.
“Bye, Jimmy.”
What happened after that was like a faded dream-a set of events that sucked him in and left him with emptiness. The next thing he knew, they were in Folsom. Time passed but the pain was still there. Ennis was no stranger to pain. He was born with it. But it was the first time in his life that pain came to him in the form of a broken heart. And it hurt like hell.
* * *
“Bye,” Junior waved to Stephanie as she wove her small hand into the warm palm of her daddy. She squinted up to smile at Ennis and swung their clasped hands together. “Will Jack join us for dinner again tonight, Daddy?”
Ennis swung their hands higher, smiling when she bounced and giggled. “Not tonight, honey.”
“Do you think I can make Edward a blue jacket so he can look more like him?”
Ennis chuckled. “I think he wouldn’t mind.” The thought of seeing Jack tonight suddenly made his stomach queasy. And he had to change the topic to something very mundane to stop the mad thump of his pulse. “So? What are you going to do at school today?”
“We’ll take turns telling stories about our summer holiday. Lucy will talk about spending time with her poppa in Wisconsin.” Junior’s skip turned jagged as she asked the next question. “Where’s my grandpa, Daddy?”
Ennis sighed. He knew this was coming sooner or later. Junior had been beating around the bush for some time now but never said a word about the older generation of her family when something roused her curiosity-like when one of her friends’ grandpa was dressed up as Santa last Christmas. She kept her mouth closed, despite how her eyes were swimming with questions to which a girl her age couldn’t easily figure out answers. But she was the Del Mar more than he thought, ‘cause she chose not to ask, until she couldn’t keep quiet anymore. And today was the day.
He looked down at her greenish eyes, his grip around her fragile hand tightened instinctively. “Of course, you have your grandpa. But he’s very busy. He’s a doctor.”
“He’s a doctor?” Junior’s face lit up. “He can cure Edward when he’s sick!”
“Yes.”
“What does he look like, daddy?” She started swinging their hands again, swaying them up as far as her strength allowed. Ennis tried to recall the image of Dr. McAllen. All he remembered was the fierce look of a mean man who shut the door on his own daughter’s face once he had learnt she got pregnant, and the sad look of a heart-broken man on what would have been his late daughter’s graduation day.
“Well, he has dark brown hair,” Ennis stuck with the appearance, voice cracked as he struggled to recall the image of a man in his late 40s who once welcomed him inside the house for a glass of water after he had finished cleaning the pool. It was a blurry image. Still, it was there. “He wears glasses. And he’s very kind.”
“He must be very busy…”
“He is, darling.” Ennis touched her face with his free hand. “But I’m sure he misses you.”
She smiled and tugged his hand. “I miss him, too.”
They walked at a leisurely pace. Junior chattered on about her gym class when she got the first place in running yesterday. It was a bit after eight when they reached her school. Ennis scrunched down before her. “Uncle Ethan will pick you up, ok?”
“Ok. Where’re you going?”
He just smiled and tugged her blond hair behind her ears. “We’ll talk later. Come here.” He kissed her cheeks and watched her run inside with her bag. They exchanged a wave before Junior bounced inside the building with her friends.
Ennis slipped his hands in his jeans pockets. He looked at the school, the kids who played around with each other and, for some reason, quickly turned his back on it. This was not a time for an image of the past to surge up, Ennis told himself. But as he walked back on the pavement, he felt like he had stepped on the shadow of someone from long time ago. That was when he realized how something just refused to leave his mind.
* * *
The bus jerked to a stop, rudely dragging Jack out of one of the best dreams he had ever had for years. He had dreamed about flowers-lots of colorful flowers, and his mom standing in the midst of them, the blue-dotted dress she liked to wear swaying in a gentle wind, her face bright and radiant with a smile.
“Come here, Jacky,” she had said. “See this rose?”
Jack had walked to her, flowers, plants and leaves brushing against his legs as he made his way to his mother, where a lone red rose was thrusting its young bud high above bunches of lilies and carnations, daisies and tulips, poppies and azaleas.
“Isn’t it beautiful?” Ma had asked. “A rose is the queen of all flowers. It represents love. Now, come take care of your rose. Touch it, very carefully.”
Jack had reached out, curious at the tone of his mother’s voice-the one she used when she had a surprise for him. The first contact was barely a tap of his fingertip to the fragile outer petal. The rose bud seemed to lean into his touch. Jack had looked up at her with questioning eyes. Go on, she whispered. So, gradually, he touched the bud again, this time cradled it in his palms. He almost forgot to breathe as the petals loosened, one by one. The rose bloomed slowly upon the touch of his hands, like magic, like he was the sun.
Jack could feel the softness and see the sign of life blooming against the grasp of his palms. His mother had stood so close he could smell the sweet aroma from her hair. Everything was too vivid to be something that happened only in his head. Still, it was just a dream.
The bus jerked again and headed off to the next destination, shaking him free of the floating feeling and bringing him back to the ground.
His head hurt again. Was cancer a run-in-genetic symptom?
“Ha, maybe you should ask Dr. McAllen to check for you,” Jack whispered to himself. The hospital where the said doctor worked, and where his dad was a patient, appeared before his eyes. Jack got out of the seat and prepared to get off the bus, wondering if he had to get accustomed to this routine for the rest of his life.
The bus jerked to another stop. Cursing under his breath, Jack stepped off the bus, shuddering as the cold morning air enveloped him. He grabbed a newspaper from the news stand-another routine he had to get used to, and headed inside. Other days, he would walk through the visiting area with head bent down, not wanting to converse with anyone. But it was different today.
In front of an elevator, Ethan was standing there, arms crossed, a stern expression on his face. Jack didn’t flinch. They looked at each other, no measured look was needed ‘cause both sides were certain they would meet again. And they both knew the reason why.
Still, neither of them moved. Jack could see that Ethan’s head was working and he felt like the skin of his flesh was being stripped off. But he wouldn’t tell Ethan the reason behind his fake blindness. Ethan could think of him the way he wanted. Let him fit together the jigsaw pieces to form an ugly picture of him, ‘cause Jack had made a decision that he would tell everything to Ennis--and Ennis only.
The silence that was stretched between them was cut short by the sound of a man’s voice that was heard along with the sound of the sliding door. Dr. McAllen.
“Come here. Don’t turn around.”
Jack pushed Ethan to the corner. Nervous heat coiled around them, and Jack felt sweat running down his spine as he led them behind some kind of an artificial tree that was standing there with excessive branches-forming their hiding place. Ethan quietly walked beside Jack, studying him all the while until they were behind the tree.
From where they were standing, Jack kept his eyes on Ethan as he observed Dr. McAllen talking with a couple of nurses in front of the elevator. Ethan started to tremble, his breath quickened as a minute turned into two. He looked like he was seeing…a ghost or something. The tremble turned more visible, and his forehead was covered in a sheen of sweat. For a moment, Jack thought he was going to fall on his knees. But when the elevator’s door closed, Ethan just bolted off, leaving him there alone.
Feeling even more perplexed by all that had happened, Jack dragged his feet up to his father’s room in astonishment. The ward where he was staying was as quiet as a graveyard even in the morning. Jack hated how his footsteps echoed on the wooden floor as if he was the only living thing on the earth. With a newspaper clutched in his hand, he opened the door only to be engulfed by a cloud of cigarette smoke. He coughed and frowned up to his old man who was half sitting, half leaning on the bed, exhaling another trail of white smoke from deep in his lungs.
“Jesus, dad,” Jack walked to open the window wider. “You want the fire alarm to go off?”
“Where is my newspaper?”
He approached the bed and reached out his hand--a wordless request for a swap of the things they were holding. John Twist wasn’t happy but traded the cigarette for the newspaper anyway. With a grunt, Jack walked to the bathroom, threw the butt into the toilet and flushed it down. He was sure his dad had a full pack of cigarettes hidden somewhere but he had no strength to squeeze out a word from his stubborn father.
When he walked out of the bathroom, John Twist wasn’t reading the newspaper as he had expected, but was engaged in a series of chest-heaving coughs that shook his whole body. Panicked, Jack rushed to John’s side but was pushed away.
“I’m alright,” his father said in between coughing. There was a knock on the door, shortly before Dr. McAllen and a nurse came in the room.
The doctor’s nose wrinkled. “You know smoking is prohibited in the room, John. And it’s not good for you especially when you’re preparing for an operation.”
“Who? Operation?” John’s mouth twisted. “Not me.”
“Dad…”
“I’m not going to have a damn operation. Period.” Dr. McAllen made a sound in his throat and simply handed the file back to the nurse. He observed Jack’s father a bit, running his eyes up and down, then nodded, and off he went out of the room.
“No operation for me,” John insisted when there were only two of them. “Remember this in your head. I’m not living on someone else’s money. If I’m going to die, I’ll bury my pride with me.”
“Dad…”
“Go to work.” John waved his hand and turned back to the newspaper. Jack bit his lip and just stayed rooted there, head blank. He didn’t know what to do, didn’t know what to think anymore. His cell rang then. It was Ennis and he simply said, ‘Meet you at the square. 5 PM’. Jack kneaded his head. How was he supposed to just…go there, meet Ennis and tell him he wasn’t blind? It seemed like he was walking in the maze. And there was no easy way out from here.
* * *
Ennis finished his work with the lilies a little before four and took a shower. He spent another 20 minutes looking around the flower shop and thinking of taking a few crimson roses from the vase. It might be weird to bring Jack flowers. The thought brought heat to his face. Ethan came in the door, looking like he wanted to say something. His forehead crinkled as he studied Ennis’s clean clothes and flushed expression. “Where’re you going?”
“Town…”
“Where to?” Ethan’s eyes narrowed. “To see Jack?”
“I have to go. Talk to you later.”
“Ennis…There’s something you have to know about him.”
He sighed. “Maybe. But I need to know that from him.”
“Ennis, listen, I’m ok with…who you are and who you want to be with…but…” Ethan looked up to the ceiling as if he was asking for strength from someone up there. “This Jack…there’s something…I met…”
“Have you ever walked in the garden and seen a rose that somehow stands out from the others?” Ennis cut him off. He looked down at his feet and turned to a vase of roses. “They’re all red roses, and there’re plenty of them but, don’t know why, you’re glued to this particular rose that doesn’t look different. There is something about that rose that you just have to get a closer look and… I don’t know. I just have to meet him. I just have to.”
“I have a bad feeling about this.” Ethan’s eyes were pleading. “Ennis, something is not right. I don’t think we can stay here…”
“We can’t run away again,” Ennis whispered. “Whatever happens, we have to face it, Ethan. I don’t want to run anywhere again. I can’t, not this time.” Not when I know who I’m going to lose.
* * *
Jack looked up at the gray sky and closed his eyes, letting the gentle wind tousle his hair. Ennis had arrived almost 10 minutes ago but they hadn’t talked, just sat together on the bench near the fountain in the town square, basking in an evening sunlight under the shade of trees.
“Ennis?”
“Hmmm?” He turned to look at Jack, taking in his sculpted face, long lashes and bright eyes.
“I lied to you,” Jack started. “I’m not blind.”
It took a moment until Jack’s words completely slipped into his brain. Jack isn’t blind? The answer lay with the pair of sad blue eyes that were now holding his gaze, expressing more emotions than any blind man could.
“I can see you.” Jack continued talking in his soft voice. “I saw how your hair turned the color of chestnut when you stood under the sun, saw how your curls danced in the wind as you jogged toward me. I saw how your freckles are spattered over your face like stars, and your lips, your eyes…”
Ennis opened his mouth but nothing came out. He was so stunned he lost any ability to speak. Jack wasn’t blind?
Jack bit his lips hard. “Say something, Ennis.”
“Why?” It came out hoarsely.
Jack pinched the bridge of his nose. “This is going to sound like an excuse but… My dad is in a hospital and I was offered money for his operation. All I have to do is…to get close to you and find out about something. Listen, Ennis. David McAllen… He’s in town.”
“What? Who?!?”
“Dr. McAllen, I…” Ennis’s face mirrored that of Ethan’s this morning. It scared Jack. “Are you ok?”
“You know him? He’s the one who is paying you?”
“Yeah, I…” Jack sighed. “I don’t work for him anymore, ok? I think he might try to take Junior away… You can’t let that...”
“Don’t you talk like you know us ‘cause you don’t!” Abruptly, Ennis stood up and started to pace, cursing and clutching his own hair. All the while, Jack kept his gaze on Ennis’s black boots that were smeared with dirt and grass. He thought about the lily farm, about the rose in his dream, about his mama, and wondered if he could have a chance to watch a real rose bloom in his own hands. His life was so fucked up. He deserved no flowers.
Suddenly, Ennis stopped right before him. “Why are you doing this?”
“I…” Jack dared to glance up to the intense look on Ennis’s face. He had that frown which Jack wanted to rub off his forehead since the first time they met. And his thin lips were pressed together into a thin, tight line. But his brown eyes shone with something that took his breath away.
“You should have just...taken the money and gone…”
“I can’t.”
“Why?”
Jack swallowed. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
Ennis took a deep breath and turned his back to Jack, his voice a painful murmur as he said, “But we just met.”
“I know. It’s crazy, isn’t it, how much you can feel for someone you just met.”
Jack couldn’t take his eyes off Ennis’s back, so he didn’t. It might be the last time he got to be this close to the man of his dream he didn’t know existed. The last time. That stung, but Jack hadn’t forgotten that he was here for another reason: returning Megan’s letters.
“Here,” Jack said, handing over three letters from his shirt pocket. “I took them from your house. I’m sorry. But I only read the first one. I didn’t read the rest.”
Ennis gasped in surprise when he saw the letters and Jack felt even worse, whispering ‘sorry’ again as Ennis slumped on the bench beside him.
“God, I should just kill you.” Ennis’s words were muffled in the hands that were covering his face. “Everything is a lie, isn’t it?”
“Not everything.”
Ennis just shook his head. He didn’t stop shaking it even when he leant back on the bench, eyes fixed somewhere ahead of him. Jack leant back, too, slowly, careful not to invade Ennis’s space. It was the closest they could be, but Jack felt like there was an ocean between them.
“You disappointed?”
Jack bolted upright. “What are you talking about?”
“Now that you’re not blind…”
Jack studied Ennis’s face, looked at him until Ennis turned to meet his eyes. Jack saw uncertainty, vulnerability. But Ennis had never been so beautiful.
“No.” He shook his head. “I like what I see.”
Ennis closed his eyes and kept them shut for a long time.”
“Love is the feel of your hands that wipe tears from my eyes,” he said, opening his eyes and blinking slowly against the sun. “Love is when you buy me lots of chocolate and apple pies.” There was a faint smile on his lips then. “That’s what Megan wrote for me on Valentine’s Day.”
Jack nodded, struggling not to show how hurt he was. “I’m sorry. I should have known they’re important to you.”
“That was the only thing she ever wrote to me.” Jack frowned, Ennis’s expression turned grim again. “Every time I let my heart take the lead my life gets screwed up. God knows I’ve been trying not to do it again but when it comes to you, I…” The words were lost in his throat as Jack watched him fight with himself. “The letters that Megan wrote, the ones you took and all the rest in the box at the back of the shop… They aren’t mine.”
“No?” Jack whispered. Time seemed to stop when Ennis nodded. Isn’t it crazy how much you feel for someone you just met?
“They are all Ethan’s.”