AU RP......
Right. This is from an AU rp I have with the lovely arsenicgraffiti. I loved how this scene turned out, so I’m going to post it. Basically, in this universe, Kakashi has turned missing-nin, and has joined Zabuza’s group. Haku is worried and feels like he’s being abandoned, so this is the resulting conversation between Haku and Zabuza.
Warnings: Not much. Lots of angst. Mentions of zabukaka and zabuhaku.
"Zabuza-san." Haku stood in the doorway of the older man's room, unable to fully conceal the tension that was still wracking him. Even if he had taken his time getting there, Kakashi's attitude still riled him up when he remembered it. There was also the matter of the other teen's connection to Zabuza. "I will only be out for an hour to train. Will there be anything else you require of me before I leave?"
Zabuza looked up from his map, when he heard Haku enter. There was nothing that he required of the boy, but he could sense that there was something else that he wanted to talk about.
He decided on a neutral “Mmm,” prompting Haku to continue if he wished.
Nodding hesitantly, Haku lingered for a few moments at the doorway. He wanted to go before anything else could come up, but at the same time he couldn't leave. There were things that he still wanted to know, and now that Kakashi was around Haku had a feeling that he needed to stay around Zabuza more. He couldn't explain it -- was it jealousy? Fear? It was disturbing.
Zabuza sat back, looking at Haku. Unless you knew him well, the boy had his normal carefully blank, polite expression on his face. But Zabuza could see the subtle lines of tension near his lips and eyes.
He gave Haku a look, and spread his hand, palm outwards, as if to say, “Spill.”
Eyes widening subtly, Haku took a shaky breath as he stepped in the room and closed the door behind him.
"Hatake-san... needs to control his temper more. Are you certain that bringing him will be beneficial for our cause?"
It wasn't exactly what he wanted to say, but he just couldn't ask Zabuza about the exact nature of his relationship with Kakashi. He'd die before he'd ask.
Zabuza let out an inaudible sigh, and sat back in his chair. What Haku was asking about and what the boy really wanted to know were two different things, Zabuza could tell that.
His usual rough growl softened just a little as he addressed Haku. “He just doesn’t have your control. But he’ll do fine.” He had answered the obvious question, but had left the other one hanging, mostly because he didn’t have an answer yet. Not a well defined one, at least.
"Now, perhaps. But what if he doesn't improve?"
It was a simple statement, but it also expressed Haku's other fear. What if Kakashi didn't improve as a whole? The last thing he wanted was for the other teen to leech off Zabuza. If that happened, he didn't know if he could live with Zabuza's anger at him for possibly deciding to deal with Kakashi. He prayed that the opportunity for that would never come.
Zabuza was silent for a long time.
“Then it would be my responsibility to deal with.” Zabuza said finally. And it would be his responsibility, he was the one who brought Kakashi here in the first place.
Haku held back a breath.
"Even if it costs you personally?"
There was more silence.
“Define ‘personally’.”
He was more tense now, the pretext of calmness gone. He should've been more careful with his words. He should have. Should have. It took him longer than usual to form a response; nothing seemed to stick or sound even vaguely right.
"If you need to put in more effort than necessary..."
The whispered reply soon evaporated into silence. Haku was not sure how to end it, and he regretted even saying a word.
Haku’s whispered words felt hollow on Zabuza’s ears. The long silence after the soft statement was deafening, an almost physical presence.
“I…don’t reciprocate.” The words fell heavily from Zabuza’s lips, and seemed to deaden the silence, solidifying it, almost.
It was as if something heavy fell, leaving shock in its wake. Haku didn't dare hope that much, but he couldn't let go of it either.
"Z-zabuza-san..?"
Zabuza’s only response was to briefly press the back of his fingers against Haku’s cheek. Then withdraw just a quickly, fingers twitching as if burned.
Haku almost cried out when Zabuza took his hand away. The fear was visible in his features, his eyes wide open and focused on the older man with gut-wrenching anxiety.
"But why did you..."
He swayed a little, breathing coming in short gasps. He needed to hear those words again, needed to know what was between him and Kakashi and Zabuza, needed to know if he wasn't replaced--
Haku swallowed and looked down. Weak... Weakness was unneeded now. He couldn't allow himself to cry.
Zabuza quickly stood up, concerned over Haku’s response. Carefully, he guided Haku down into a chair, his large hand splayed on the boy’s back, supporting him.
“Because he needed it.” Zabuza’s rough whisper was barely audible, and his hand remained on Haku’s back, his thumb making gentle circles on his back, a tiny scrap of comfort.
The aching in his throat made it difficult to speak, if he had anything to say. He didn't. Haku clenched his hands on his lap and kept his face bowed, his eyes tightly shut.
For a moment, just for that moment, Zabuza’s resolve, his promises to himself slipped. Leaning in he pressed his nose in Haku’s dark hair, deeply breathing in the scent of snow and herbs. For that singular, ephemeral moment, he allowed himself a small taste of what he wanted but should never have.
The pain in Haku's chest flared when he felt Zabuza oh so close, the contact between them more intimate than he had ever experienced since that day the older man had found out that his protege's feelings for him ran deeper than loyal admiration. The corners of his lips imperceptibly curved upward in a humorless and mournful smile.
"Why him?" Haku's breathy voice sounded almost tired, defeated.
The moment was over, and Zabuza pulled back. It had been a mistake to give himself a taste of that, to tease himself. It hurt so much more, knowing what he was abandoning.
“There’s not much left to save.”
Rejection. No matter how much he tried to see it otherwise, it felt like he was being abandoned. Maybe he was. Haku shivered and curled into himself, visibly making himself smaller.
"You're moving on then," he said matter-of-factly, except that the cracking in his voice ruined the intended effect.
No, no, that’s not what he meant. Every time he tried to explain himself, everything in this tangled spiderweb just got worse, and worse.
“No.” Zabuza’s voice was bleak. Never.
"Then what?"
Zabuza took a deep breath to hide the hitch in his voice.
“You…” He fell silent for a moment before continuing on “Are too good.” The words fell flat, an almost pathetic cliché that had the unfortunate circumstance of being true.
"I don't understand," Haku whispered brokenly, gripping his knees tightly. Him? Too good for what? It sounded like a lie. Maybe Zabuza was thinking of something else -- someone like him couldn't be good. It didn't make sense that he was good when Zabuza had more or less chosen Kakashi over him.
“You can’t understand the depth of your own purity?” each word fell heavily, a death knell, almost. He wanted to touch Haku again, hold him even. Why deprive both of them of the human comfort that Haku, (and deep down that Zabuza also) craved? His hands clenched into fists, blunt nails digging crescents into his calloused palms.
"Purity?" Haku lifted his head a little, confused. Thinking about himself as a pure being was a totally alien concept for him.
"I'm afraid you're mistaken," he whispered hollowly. "I could never be."
Zabuza merely shook his head.
Haku fell silent. He didn't know what to say to that.
They had reached a stalemate of sorts, it seemed. Zabuza looked away from Haku, slowly opening his hands and staring at the dark half-circles on his palms, left from his nails.
The tension in Haku's frame lessened somewhat, though the youth had yet to uncurl himself. He bowed his head again, unable to do anything else.
Zabuza sat back, his eyes sliding shut as the oppressive silence filled the room once.
In the end, Haku didn't know if he got his answer or not. Maybe he didn't. He didn't know how to feel about this whole conversation.
"I still don't understand," he whispered weakly.
“I didn’t choose him over you.” Zabuza replied wearily. God, he was tired, just so fucking tired…
"I see." Haku visibly folded when the full implication of those words sank in. He shook a little, in that state between crying and laughing.
Zabuza remained silent, and reached (one last time, one last time…) to stroke Haku’s cheek, calloused fingers briefly over soft skin.
Haku slowly reached up to touch the back of Zabuza's hand, smiling painfully. He didn't know when he'd ever get to feel that hand so tender on his cheek again.
Zabuza paused a second more, letting Haku touch his hand before drawing away fully, and clasping his hands in his lap.
Haku brought his hand to his chest and let it stay there for a while, appreciating the now tranquil silence.
"Perhaps I should go now," Haku murmured after a long period.
Zabuza nodded slowly, his hand tilting to the door.
“I’ll see you tomorrow.” He said quietly.
"Of course, Zabuza-san."
Slowly, Haku rearranged his clothing in a natural fashion, smoothing the folds of his clothes as he stood up. Only the faintest hints of what had transgressed were still there - the paler than usual skin, the slight puffiness around the eyes, and the less collected disposition - but otherwise it was a signal that everything was going back to their normal pace. What they had talked about would stay only between the two of them and likely not mentioned at a later date.
Giving Zabuza one last bow, Haku saw his way out and shut the door behind him before heading for the training grounds. He didn't want to see anyone else just yet.
Warnings: Not much. Lots of angst. Mentions of zabukaka and zabuhaku.
"Zabuza-san." Haku stood in the doorway of the older man's room, unable to fully conceal the tension that was still wracking him. Even if he had taken his time getting there, Kakashi's attitude still riled him up when he remembered it. There was also the matter of the other teen's connection to Zabuza. "I will only be out for an hour to train. Will there be anything else you require of me before I leave?"
Zabuza looked up from his map, when he heard Haku enter. There was nothing that he required of the boy, but he could sense that there was something else that he wanted to talk about.
He decided on a neutral “Mmm,” prompting Haku to continue if he wished.
Nodding hesitantly, Haku lingered for a few moments at the doorway. He wanted to go before anything else could come up, but at the same time he couldn't leave. There were things that he still wanted to know, and now that Kakashi was around Haku had a feeling that he needed to stay around Zabuza more. He couldn't explain it -- was it jealousy? Fear? It was disturbing.
Zabuza sat back, looking at Haku. Unless you knew him well, the boy had his normal carefully blank, polite expression on his face. But Zabuza could see the subtle lines of tension near his lips and eyes.
He gave Haku a look, and spread his hand, palm outwards, as if to say, “Spill.”
Eyes widening subtly, Haku took a shaky breath as he stepped in the room and closed the door behind him.
"Hatake-san... needs to control his temper more. Are you certain that bringing him will be beneficial for our cause?"
It wasn't exactly what he wanted to say, but he just couldn't ask Zabuza about the exact nature of his relationship with Kakashi. He'd die before he'd ask.
Zabuza let out an inaudible sigh, and sat back in his chair. What Haku was asking about and what the boy really wanted to know were two different things, Zabuza could tell that.
His usual rough growl softened just a little as he addressed Haku. “He just doesn’t have your control. But he’ll do fine.” He had answered the obvious question, but had left the other one hanging, mostly because he didn’t have an answer yet. Not a well defined one, at least.
"Now, perhaps. But what if he doesn't improve?"
It was a simple statement, but it also expressed Haku's other fear. What if Kakashi didn't improve as a whole? The last thing he wanted was for the other teen to leech off Zabuza. If that happened, he didn't know if he could live with Zabuza's anger at him for possibly deciding to deal with Kakashi. He prayed that the opportunity for that would never come.
Zabuza was silent for a long time.
“Then it would be my responsibility to deal with.” Zabuza said finally. And it would be his responsibility, he was the one who brought Kakashi here in the first place.
Haku held back a breath.
"Even if it costs you personally?"
There was more silence.
“Define ‘personally’.”
He was more tense now, the pretext of calmness gone. He should've been more careful with his words. He should have. Should have. It took him longer than usual to form a response; nothing seemed to stick or sound even vaguely right.
"If you need to put in more effort than necessary..."
The whispered reply soon evaporated into silence. Haku was not sure how to end it, and he regretted even saying a word.
Haku’s whispered words felt hollow on Zabuza’s ears. The long silence after the soft statement was deafening, an almost physical presence.
“I…don’t reciprocate.” The words fell heavily from Zabuza’s lips, and seemed to deaden the silence, solidifying it, almost.
It was as if something heavy fell, leaving shock in its wake. Haku didn't dare hope that much, but he couldn't let go of it either.
"Z-zabuza-san..?"
Zabuza’s only response was to briefly press the back of his fingers against Haku’s cheek. Then withdraw just a quickly, fingers twitching as if burned.
Haku almost cried out when Zabuza took his hand away. The fear was visible in his features, his eyes wide open and focused on the older man with gut-wrenching anxiety.
"But why did you..."
He swayed a little, breathing coming in short gasps. He needed to hear those words again, needed to know what was between him and Kakashi and Zabuza, needed to know if he wasn't replaced--
Haku swallowed and looked down. Weak... Weakness was unneeded now. He couldn't allow himself to cry.
Zabuza quickly stood up, concerned over Haku’s response. Carefully, he guided Haku down into a chair, his large hand splayed on the boy’s back, supporting him.
“Because he needed it.” Zabuza’s rough whisper was barely audible, and his hand remained on Haku’s back, his thumb making gentle circles on his back, a tiny scrap of comfort.
The aching in his throat made it difficult to speak, if he had anything to say. He didn't. Haku clenched his hands on his lap and kept his face bowed, his eyes tightly shut.
For a moment, just for that moment, Zabuza’s resolve, his promises to himself slipped. Leaning in he pressed his nose in Haku’s dark hair, deeply breathing in the scent of snow and herbs. For that singular, ephemeral moment, he allowed himself a small taste of what he wanted but should never have.
The pain in Haku's chest flared when he felt Zabuza oh so close, the contact between them more intimate than he had ever experienced since that day the older man had found out that his protege's feelings for him ran deeper than loyal admiration. The corners of his lips imperceptibly curved upward in a humorless and mournful smile.
"Why him?" Haku's breathy voice sounded almost tired, defeated.
The moment was over, and Zabuza pulled back. It had been a mistake to give himself a taste of that, to tease himself. It hurt so much more, knowing what he was abandoning.
“There’s not much left to save.”
Rejection. No matter how much he tried to see it otherwise, it felt like he was being abandoned. Maybe he was. Haku shivered and curled into himself, visibly making himself smaller.
"You're moving on then," he said matter-of-factly, except that the cracking in his voice ruined the intended effect.
No, no, that’s not what he meant. Every time he tried to explain himself, everything in this tangled spiderweb just got worse, and worse.
“No.” Zabuza’s voice was bleak. Never.
"Then what?"
Zabuza took a deep breath to hide the hitch in his voice.
“You…” He fell silent for a moment before continuing on “Are too good.” The words fell flat, an almost pathetic cliché that had the unfortunate circumstance of being true.
"I don't understand," Haku whispered brokenly, gripping his knees tightly. Him? Too good for what? It sounded like a lie. Maybe Zabuza was thinking of something else -- someone like him couldn't be good. It didn't make sense that he was good when Zabuza had more or less chosen Kakashi over him.
“You can’t understand the depth of your own purity?” each word fell heavily, a death knell, almost. He wanted to touch Haku again, hold him even. Why deprive both of them of the human comfort that Haku, (and deep down that Zabuza also) craved? His hands clenched into fists, blunt nails digging crescents into his calloused palms.
"Purity?" Haku lifted his head a little, confused. Thinking about himself as a pure being was a totally alien concept for him.
"I'm afraid you're mistaken," he whispered hollowly. "I could never be."
Zabuza merely shook his head.
Haku fell silent. He didn't know what to say to that.
They had reached a stalemate of sorts, it seemed. Zabuza looked away from Haku, slowly opening his hands and staring at the dark half-circles on his palms, left from his nails.
The tension in Haku's frame lessened somewhat, though the youth had yet to uncurl himself. He bowed his head again, unable to do anything else.
Zabuza sat back, his eyes sliding shut as the oppressive silence filled the room once.
In the end, Haku didn't know if he got his answer or not. Maybe he didn't. He didn't know how to feel about this whole conversation.
"I still don't understand," he whispered weakly.
“I didn’t choose him over you.” Zabuza replied wearily. God, he was tired, just so fucking tired…
"I see." Haku visibly folded when the full implication of those words sank in. He shook a little, in that state between crying and laughing.
Zabuza remained silent, and reached (one last time, one last time…) to stroke Haku’s cheek, calloused fingers briefly over soft skin.
Haku slowly reached up to touch the back of Zabuza's hand, smiling painfully. He didn't know when he'd ever get to feel that hand so tender on his cheek again.
Zabuza paused a second more, letting Haku touch his hand before drawing away fully, and clasping his hands in his lap.
Haku brought his hand to his chest and let it stay there for a while, appreciating the now tranquil silence.
"Perhaps I should go now," Haku murmured after a long period.
Zabuza nodded slowly, his hand tilting to the door.
“I’ll see you tomorrow.” He said quietly.
"Of course, Zabuza-san."
Slowly, Haku rearranged his clothing in a natural fashion, smoothing the folds of his clothes as he stood up. Only the faintest hints of what had transgressed were still there - the paler than usual skin, the slight puffiness around the eyes, and the less collected disposition - but otherwise it was a signal that everything was going back to their normal pace. What they had talked about would stay only between the two of them and likely not mentioned at a later date.
Giving Zabuza one last bow, Haku saw his way out and shut the door behind him before heading for the training grounds. He didn't want to see anyone else just yet.