I'm back, baby.

Nov 27, 2005 22:03

I realize I haven't written in a while, but I've been busy writing a lot of other stuff. I think I've turned out something like a hundred and fifty pages in the last week and a half. It's hard to tell, sometimes I have trouble remembering when I wrote something.

This week has been great. I've been stuffing myself full of really good, sticktayerribs good food because I the previous couple weeks had been so stressful that I didn't feel well enough to eat and lost a bunch of weight. But this week, I've dedicated myself to eating lots of good food and being alone. I know that both of those are rediculously simple, but I haven't had such a good week in forever. It was great. Even Thanksgiving was great. I mean, I knew the dinner would be great, but it was also remarkably drama-free.

Another highlight of the week was seeing Chris. I've not seen him since summer, and even though we only got to talk for a couple of hours, we had a great conversation. He makes me laugh like crazy, and he's so smart. We gossiped, counseled, and talked about society and religion. Yaya!

Part of me really doesn't want to get back to school. I have a whole bunch of stuff that I have absolutely no interest in that I need to take care of. Suxor.

I've been having another major existential crisis lately. I don't even know what's wrong. I've been freaking out about myself, and what I want to do with my life, and a whole bunch of other crap that I can't even seem to explain. It's really frustrating because every time I try to talk about it, I just keep thinking that I sound like a typical whiny twenty two year old, but I just don't know how to say it right. A lot of it seems to have to do with upcoming graduation shit. I'm really scared that my whole life is going to change and it all seems as though it's going to be this huge unknown that I have to face by myself. I'm afraid that everyone I care about is going to go away, but at the same time I want to be left alone right now. It's also really scary to think that I have to do all these "grown up" things, but I don't know how I'm going to pay for anything. Plus, I'm trained for nothing. There's a general feeling that I'm expected to start having this life, but I don't know what to do, and I'm starting to feel as though I'm going to have to struggle through it all by myself. My mom asked me if I'm afraid of falling, and I told her no. I have this double sided fear that my life is going to change, but nothing's going to happen.

Incredibly depressing sidenote: My nephew has a girlfriend. That in itself is not the depressing part. I did realize though that I am the ONLY SINGLE PERSON IN MY ENTIRE GODDAMN FAMILY. Really. I don't want to be in a relationship right now or anything, but it just added further evidence to the whole "Heather's going to be a poor hermit" theory. I better start buying cats and writing threatening letters to Bono. Well, I guess "start" isn't an accurate term for the latter. "Continue" would be better.

Fucking Bono...So Much...

I don't know, I guess I just feel like I don't know anything any more. I'm so confused about every aspect of my life, and I don't know what to do about it. I don't even feel like I know what the rules of reality are. So much stuff has happened to me in the last few weeks that has made me feel like the world is completely insane. The way I can think to deal with it is to simply admit my own ignorance about the world. I feel like I'm starting from scratch. There's a line from NYPD Blue where Danny says, "I don't know how to live." Now, I don't mean it in the "My little sisters were molested when I was a kid, so I need to get cut up and stuffed in a closet by Slavic mobsters" way, just that I just can't seem to get it. I try to find a happy medium between logic, kindness, and looking out for myself, but I always seem to fuck it up. It's weird, I'm not depressed about anything, but I'm scared about everything right now. I feel like I'm floating around watching the world because it doesn't make sense any more.
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