Here we go.
If you're reading this then surprisingly you still give a shit about this fucking livejournal account.
Anyways, how can I describe this year so far...hmmm...well basically the words "Told you so" to myself would describe the overall feeling in my stomach regarding this year.
I started this year off with a decent ass fever basically, and that kicked my ass real good. That's not a surprise...I also have been without antidepressants for weeks now. Almost a month I think. I've gone through withdrawl side effects and that really sucked ass. I go through it every now and then and I still feel the after effects of not taking them. It's basically like I've smoked a blunt every single day for the past couple of weeks. I get to walk around like that. I get panic attacks, but I hide them well from everyone. Sometimes it's abit much and I find myself scrambling for a seat and to be away from some people and that doesn't really help at times. I'm going to have to go to a doctor and see what goes on from here...because this is honestly not working. I think I basically just added another problem to my body that I didn't need. Congrats!
I'm going to a chiropractor now and found that my back is in horrid condition. I have scoliosis which is pretty awesome if you ask me. I really don't have the money to throw down for his overall visits but I'm doing it anyways because I really have no other alternative. Great. I'm a 70 year old stuck in a 20 year olds body. Sucks that I'm drowning my liver with so much alcohol lately though. I'll never EVER learn my lesson.
School is boring and I've lost interest in the bullshitty students that are currently attending these days. Most are serious about their shit, but others are just pissing me off. Fucking garbage.
By now if you weren't aware, then the normal "gang" of friends are more like scattered shit all around the bedroom floor. I don't have an organized crew anymore, but rather some people I try and spend seperated time with afew days a week. Awesome, didn't see that coming a couple years ago. Shit happens though.
I'm getting this feeling that I'm going nowhere real fast lately. It's the same thing every single day. I get no sleep, get real sick, drink my coffee, go to work, feel like shit doing it because I suck at it apparently, hurt my back, starve to death and don't care, then go home. Not only that but I'm going to school and doing all that jazz, along with seeing Janise and occasionally Brent and afew others. Haven't seen some people in quite some time, but that's to be expected I suppose. Ask me if I give a shit. No seriously. Ask me.
I'm terribly tired of the separation of friends lately, and I've just been keeping track of alot of bad news going around. It's really bringing me down and I feel that everything thats been happening with all my friends hits me and it hurts because I care about all these people and sometimes I don't even feel I'm cared for as much back. Some of these people I know care, but others...I just can't even tell anymore. I've also been thinking about alot of past events recently and it's just not doing me any justice anymore. I think I'm making myself really really really sick every day that goes by and it's just not good. I don't think I can stomach another bad year. Last year was bad, the year before that was better, but still bad...this year can't be all that good either.
I think this week however I'm just going to lose my mind or something. I have afew things that I gotta take care of and when that's all done with it's going to suck ass...I know it for a fact. No fucking doubt in my mind that people will bitch, but I don't even care anymore. I need to try and make myself atleast abit relatively happy and I've failed to do that for months and months on end...and honestly...last time I was happy I actually had the one thing that I always knew made me smile and felt worth it and I don't even have that anymore. Now that's done with and I feel like I'm just stringing myself along anymore. I don't feel school is getting me anywhere recently, I get poor hours at work at minimum wage, my parents and friends are either sucking or mediocre with the exception of some of my friends, and I have a very poor outlook on love, life, and my own well being. That's about as honest as I get without being too gruesome. Damnit. I've tried everything in my mind and heart to make myself happy and it never seems to work and all I even tell myself recently is that it's easier to give up. I don't want to give up at all though. That's the last thing I want in my life, but if I've contemplated the act of giving up on all this BS I'm waking up for every single day, then wtf am I leading myself into? This probably sounds like some kind of suicide letter but it's not. I just really have trouble finding that voice of reason in my life and it makes me feel empty as all hell. I feel like I've lost more than gained in the last year...honestly I think I have.
NOTHING IS GETTING DONE!!!!!!!!!