That's about it.
I have alot of difficult things to go through for a long while. I've hurt someone who was more important to me than all other things behind my desires to be more than who I used to be. She changed who I was for the better, and sometimes for the worst. Do I regret anything that happened? Not at all. I love her to death and always will...maybe now she doesn't love me so much...but she knows that what we had was the experience of a lifetime. I'm not good with break ups...I'm not used to change, and I'm easily hurt by such things. So much has changed since the last time we both felt the same for each other.
Now that's gone, and I have to accept it. It was only a matter of time around June that we were to break into what we've become now, and I can't begin to describe the amount of pain it has caused me, but I can only imagine when I look back on it, how much pain I've caused the both of us nevertheless. We both however made huge mistakes that involved not much thinking...but it was real to the core and we know it. I've posted hurtfull things in my journal for a long while, and no matter how much I try and justify it, or say how some of it wasn't directed towards a certain person, though influenced by a specific person or event of mine, in the end wasn't ment to hurt someone...I've learned that this thing has been looked at by more than who I was aware of I guess.
I won't be posting here for quite some official time now, and that's because I've decided to keep to myself or write things down in a private place for me to have. In the end I've come drastically close to destroying myself and I'm not at all the man I wish to be. I fed off of happiness that was gradually becoming unreal, and only there to keep things sane. I only wish it had not been that way. I only wish I could change these mistakes, and events and still have my friend back...
As far as I know, I may never have her to speak to again, but hopefully somewhere down the road we'll find each other and be able to talk about the things we've done and experienced, and if we're truely going to be together in the end...it will happen if we want it to. But for now I have to accept nothing as a result of our decisions this year.
Tonight I put my memories of her in a box. It was painfull as shit, but I did it because now I'm ready to fight to become a better man. I WANT to be a better person, and become a man. But I'm not at this point. I'm infact pieces of what I want to be and what I don't want to be. I'm not at all ready for half of what could hit me tomorrow. I'm weak. I'm powerless to most things, and that leaves me open for wounds...more than I actually already have and have given myself I guess you can say. Right now I'm going to trust only certain people with myself, and very very few with what I drastically need to share with someone. Those people know who they are. Thanks to everyone who is still there for me when I need them.
And Nicole...I'll be here waiting for you when you return from Iraq, and you'll know that every single day, and if you are reading this by some wild chance, know that I'll ALWAYS love you, like I always said. I know somewhere down inside you do for me too.
Until the next time I post here, I'll be concentrating on school, getting projects out of the way, and started, and cleaning up my act. I want to start a band, make more friends, finish school, get a decent job, and when the time is right, find someone to be happy with. But until I'm able to accomplish these things, I will struggle like alot of people do, and look for happiness myself. I mean I'm only fucking 19...I have so many more years to go. Don't count on seeing another livejournal post here for quite some time...and I mean a VERY long time. If not a very very long time, then never. I'm looking to higher ground...besides, you all know where to find me. :)
Goodbye LiveJournal.
Last Picture of the update:
My prediction for the future: I'll consider updating this awhile from now, or crack under pressure and make a surprise appearance...no one knows!
My mood rating on this Journal entry from 1-10(1 being worse...10 being good): 0
Random fact of the update: No more updates! LOLZ
Things you should probably be aware of:
-Days Don, Maiq, Susan, Brent, and I have gone without fast food: 257 days
-People in the no fast food bet that have lost: None
-Days I've had Brent's glucagon instructions on my desk: 635 days
-Days I've had a Cherry Condom and a blunt sitting on my desk: 632 days
-Days I've had a small pack of surgical lube on my desk: 339 days
-Days I've had a dollar that Mia's mom gave me while drunk sitting on my desk: 353 Days
-Days I've had the tennis ball used on the Morning of Mayhem which took place July 30, 2004: 1113 days
-Cars I've driven without my license: 7 cars
-Number of times Brandon has touched my head: 100 times
-Days I've had my Sheetz order number 01 ticket(Sausage Biscuit and a cup of fries with honey mustard) - 307 Days
Money in Clides's pocket: $0.00
''The Morgue"
-R.I.P. Bag of Goldfish: 289 days old
-R.I.P. Expired Dr. Pepper: 913 days old
-R.I.P. Clides Beanie
-R.I.P. Nicole's hairband around my wrist: 636 days old
Now that's gone, and I have to accept it. It was only a matter of time around June that we were to break into what we've become now, and I can't begin to describe the amount of pain it has caused me, but I can only imagine when I look back on it, how much pain I've caused the both of us nevertheless. We both however made huge mistakes that involved not much thinking...but it was real to the core and we know it. I've posted hurtfull things in my journal for a long while, and no matter how much I try and justify it, or say how some of it wasn't directed towards a certain person, though influenced by a specific person or event of mine, in the end wasn't ment to hurt someone...I've learned that this thing has been looked at by more than who I was aware of I guess.
I won't be posting here for quite some official time now, and that's because I've decided to keep to myself or write things down in a private place for me to have. In the end I've come drastically close to destroying myself and I'm not at all the man I wish to be. I fed off of happiness that was gradually becoming unreal, and only there to keep things sane. I only wish it had not been that way. I only wish I could change these mistakes, and events and still have my friend back...
As far as I know, I may never have her to speak to again, but hopefully somewhere down the road we'll find each other and be able to talk about the things we've done and experienced, and if we're truely going to be together in the end...it will happen if we want it to. But for now I have to accept nothing as a result of our decisions this year.
Tonight I put my memories of her in a box. It was painfull as shit, but I did it because now I'm ready to fight to become a better man. I WANT to be a better person, and become a man. But I'm not at this point. I'm infact pieces of what I want to be and what I don't want to be. I'm not at all ready for half of what could hit me tomorrow. I'm weak. I'm powerless to most things, and that leaves me open for wounds...more than I actually already have and have given myself I guess you can say. Right now I'm going to trust only certain people with myself, and very very few with what I drastically need to share with someone. Those people know who they are. Thanks to everyone who is still there for me when I need them.
And Nicole...I'll be here waiting for you when you return from Iraq, and you'll know that every single day, and if you are reading this by some wild chance, know that I'll ALWAYS love you, like I always said. I know somewhere down inside you do for me too.
Until the next time I post here, I'll be concentrating on school, getting projects out of the way, and started, and cleaning up my act. I want to start a band, make more friends, finish school, get a decent job, and when the time is right, find someone to be happy with. But until I'm able to accomplish these things, I will struggle like alot of people do, and look for happiness myself. I mean I'm only fucking 19...I have so many more years to go. Don't count on seeing another livejournal post here for quite some time...and I mean a VERY long time. If not a very very long time, then never. I'm looking to higher ground...besides, you all know where to find me. :)
Goodbye LiveJournal.
Last Picture of the update:
My prediction for the future: I'll consider updating this awhile from now, or crack under pressure and make a surprise appearance...no one knows!
My mood rating on this Journal entry from 1-10(1 being worse...10 being good): 0
Random fact of the update: No more updates! LOLZ
Things you should probably be aware of:
-Days Don, Maiq, Susan, Brent, and I have gone without fast food: 257 days
-People in the no fast food bet that have lost: None
-Days I've had Brent's glucagon instructions on my desk: 635 days
-Days I've had a Cherry Condom and a blunt sitting on my desk: 632 days
-Days I've had a small pack of surgical lube on my desk: 339 days
-Days I've had a dollar that Mia's mom gave me while drunk sitting on my desk: 353 Days
-Days I've had the tennis ball used on the Morning of Mayhem which took place July 30, 2004: 1113 days
-Cars I've driven without my license: 7 cars
-Number of times Brandon has touched my head: 100 times
-Days I've had my Sheetz order number 01 ticket(Sausage Biscuit and a cup of fries with honey mustard) - 307 Days
Money in Clides's pocket: $0.00
''The Morgue"
-R.I.P. Bag of Goldfish: 289 days old
-R.I.P. Expired Dr. Pepper: 913 days old
-R.I.P. Clides Beanie
-R.I.P. Nicole's hairband around my wrist: 636 days old