VeeRush [ 9 / 12 ]
Title: VeeRush
Pairing: TaNakamaru (plus little JunDa and aKame maybe)
Rating: Pg-13
Genre: Fluff, Humor
Chapter: [ 9 / 12 ]
Summary: Yuichi is a 24year-old virgin willing to get laid before he reaches 26 next month - I mean DESPERATE to get laid. Koki is a pimp who has no sexual preference, bedding both girls and guys. A perfect match made in hell. If only they don’t hate each other’s guts that much.
Note: Just a special 1 month, 4 days fic… oh, you know it!
Disclaimer: None of them is mine. And when I said none, I mean I have one - locked inside my dreams... *wink*
Username: Namaru
Password: *****
August 29, 2009
Is pathetic…
I ended it, my relationship with Koki. And I feel pathetic because of it.
But I have no choice, On-Jou. It’s for Yuki. For the child. It’s for the better.
I already spent as many hours as I can with him, even taking yesterday off just to be able to spend it with him at the park. Today, I invited him to the beach. We had fun, lots of it. He never knew just how much I treasured everything we did there. That was my last happy time with him. He never knew how much I cried before going there, alone in my room last night.
I left this morning with him, confident that I’m making the right decision. But now, as I finally have time to reflect on everything, I am starting to waver. But it’s too late now. But what can I do? I don’t want the child to suffer the way I did. My desire to help Yuki led my right into this pit of misery.
I talked to him, On-Jou, just hours ago right after we made love. Curled up beside him, I told him we should stop this foolishness and that he should just return to Yuki and take care her. I told him I knew of his child with her and that I’m not angry about it. (I am really not) I just want him to take the responsibility of building a family with her. I tried making him understand he should prioritize them instead of fooling around with me.
But he said no. He told me he is willing to support the child. But marrying Yuki is a different story. Marrying her would mean leaving me, and he said he has no plan of doing that. I was surprised when he first said that. I thought he’s joking but he was staring intently at me, the light on his eyes telling me he meant every word he uttered, like he was begging me to believe him. For a moment, I felt my heart swell with joy.
But I saw Yuki’s sad face at the back of my mind. And I realized that I have to use every resolve I have to make everything right. Yes, On-Jou. I finally met her.
Yuki. What a pretty name, neh? I think it suits her well. She’s very pale, she almost looks sickly for me. Despite her thinness, the unmistakable bulge was there. It is a bit small, if you ask me, but it is enough to tell she is carrying a child. Koki’s child.
She seemed so young. She told me she’s 3 months pregnant, a bit difficult for her since it is her first time. She had one hand covering her tummy, an act of either affection or protectiveness, I’m not really sure. She looked really pitiful, On-Jou. And that gave me the determination to let Koki go.
In one brief moment, I silently apologized to my selfish self who doesn’t want to let go yet. Then I closed my eyes and started my lies. I told him to stop forcing his self on me. I confessed how I do not think our relationship is going anywhere except an inevitable break up. It’s better for him to grow up and choose something that is clearly there than something that is uncertain like my relationship with him.
All these I uttered almost in one breath, afraid that if I stop talking, I’ll lose my grip and start crying in front of him. I bowed my head in an attempt to hide the tears starting to form in my eyes. I tried so hard to keep them from falling, and succeeded. But never had I expected the scene that greeted me when I was able to meet his gaze again. I saw it, and god, it was a painful sight.
He was staring back at me, shock and pain evident on his eyes. I heard him telling me to take my words back. He asked me a couple of times. And for a moment, the urge to drop my strong façade passed my mind. I wanted to hug him, hold him against me again. I wanted to tell him yes, I’m joking. I’m lying. It’s not true. I want him to stay with me rather than marry that girl. I want him to be beside me forever. But I didn’t.
Instead, I shook my head. It felt heavy but I continued shaking my head. I’m sorry, I said, but I’m not going to take that back. I’m not going to take anything back because it’s the truth, I lied.
For a moment, his wide eyes stared back at me in shock, an unreadable emotion swirling in it. Again, I wanted to hold him.
Then he looked down. And when he looked at me again, his gaze was different. He was staring at me like he didn’t know me. Like I was a stranger who somehow managed to lost my way into his house. He looked at me like I was something despicable. Rubbish full of nonsense and foolishness.
Then he uttered the things I never thought I would hear from him. He told me, accused me, of playing around with him. He asked me if I really did like him, believing I never did, because I don’t have to use other excuses if I want to dump him. He was willing to let go if that’s what I want.
I was surprised, On-Jou. I never thought it would happen that way. Did I really hurt him that much? I am hurting, too! I want to tell him to stop accusing me of nonsense because it’s not the truth. I wanted to tell him I like him. No, make that love. I love him! But again I held myself up and kept my mouth shut.
I dressed up silently, never uttering a word nor letting any noise come out of my lips. I was scared a sob might escape my lips once I open it. I went out of the room, his room, without throwing a look back at him, terrified of the emotions I might see from his eyes, terrified of him seeing the emotions from my eyes. I went out of his home, out of life as a whole, never even trying to look back.
Then here I am now, crying my eyes out. Pathetic, right? All these for attempting to help Yuki. I guess I failed her, too. Koki still has that resolve not to marry her. I failed to break it.
But maybe not. I’m still hoping, On-Jou. Although if it’s for him to go to her or to return to me, I know not.
But I’m still hoping, even if I really don’t know what I’m hoping for.
---- Namaru