Taking Blame
Title: Taking Blame
Pairing: TaNakamaru (NakaNishi maybe?)
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst
Chapter: Oneshot
Summary: There's nobody else to blame except me.
Disclaimer: None of them is mine. And when I said none, I mean I have one - locked inside my dreams... *wink*
I watch as the two of them laugh heartily at each other’s jokes, as bAkanishi leans in too close to Yuichi to whisper something to him, earning a set of giggles. My chest beginning to hurt. I can’t help as a sigh escape my lips.
I lost him. And there’s nobody else to blame except myself. Two months had past, the longest two months of my life, when I broke his heart. And although at that time, I really did mean it, I am starting to regret it now.
For those two months, I had seen Nakamaru sulk over me, never even trying to hide his misery in front of our clueless group mates who, at that time, didn’t even know of our relationship.
I had caught Ueda pry questions to the taller boy a couple of times, worrying he’d tell about us. But he maintained his silence.
I had seen Kamenashi’s display of concern and affection, which he always returned by a small smile and a sincere thank you. He hates being pitied.
I often overheard Junno inviting him at some night clubs in an attempt to lighten his mood, but was always answered by clear-cut, yet polite rejections. He never liked crowded places like bars.
All through all those things, I didn’t do anything. I wasn’t interested to be caught up in the web again. I kept my distance and thought I’d never see him get over me. But there existed Akanishi.
Akanishi didn’t ask questions. He merely dropped stupid comments and assumptions on why Yuichi mopes around, making the elder throw his own set of spicy remarks, resulting into verbal spar.
He didn’t act all kind and friendly towards him, continuing his assaults instead and bullying the other nonstop. This made the beat boxer all the more attentive, laughter making its way back into his lips as the spark on his eyes returned.
He didn’t invite Yuichi into bars. He drag him out to follow Juno into wherever night club the other is going into, diverting the other’s attention away from me.
And I admit. He did a good job at it. Unconsciously helping my ex-lover get over me.
Ex-lover. Wow. I never thought I will use that word. I loved him. I did. Hell, I think I’m starting to love him again! But I broke his heart. Cheated on him and told him we’re over instead of apologizing. And now, now that he is finally regaining his happiness, here I am, finally feeling the pain I first caused him.
What to do? Leave him alone with him? I can’t bring myself do that. Talk to him? But can I? It doesn’t seem to me like he’s actually together with Jin. I might still have some hope. Nothing wrong in trying.
And so with a deep breath, I call his name.
“Y-Yuichi, can… can we talk?”
My heart beats faster as he slowly shifts his gaze at me. I’m scared. He stares blankly. Jin slaps his back and exits the room, leaving only the two of us there as the others are already somewhere else hours ago.
“Is there something to talk about?” he asks, and I felt something block my throat. But I have to speak, tell him something. Anything.
“I-I’m sorry. I’m sorry for---“
“It’s okay now,” he interrupts me, surprising me. “It’s over. What’s done is done. You don’t have to apologize.” I felt a sense of hope bubbles from the pit of my stomach.
“You’re not together with Jin, are you?” I asked carefully.
“No.” Not yet, I seem to hear.
“Do you still love me?” I try again.
“Yes.” And my hope expands.
“Can I have you back?” I find some guts.
“No.” The bubble of hope gives a sickening pop as it bursts.
“Why? I… I thought you still love me, Yuichi. You haven’t forgiven me yet, have you? Can‘t you forgive me?”
“I can. I already did. But forgiving you and letting you hurt me again is two different things.”
“But I thought you love me! Doesn’t that mean you want to be with me again?”
“No. I love you but that doesn’t mean I can’t live without you. For now, I still love you. Someday, though, this feeling will fade. Soon.” He nods, as if talking to himself more than to me.
My mind went blank. To say that I am surprised is an understatement. I continue to stare at him, unable to form any sentence. That’s when Junno enters with Ueda right behind him.
“What happened here?” I hear his question vaguely. “Koki seems to be in a trance. What did you do, Maru?”
I look at Yuichi waiting his expression. Hoping I’ll see some kind of guilt in his eyes. None.
“Nothing much,” he smiles.
I hear my heart shatter.
But there’s nobody else to blame but me.