Decoupling Metaphor

May 23, 2009 11:20

The simplest way for me to describe what the first stages of a Seidhr trance are like is to compare them as a process to sinking down into a river and treading water at a neutrally buoyant spot.  You know, a river.  Of water.  Like, outside and away from your computer and your office and your living room and TV.  If you've never been swimming in a river I don't really recommend that you try this out there just for the experience as you'll probably get more than you bargained for.  Rivers are sneaky creatures that are likely to grab you and take you someplace you didn't plan on going.  Try it in a creek the next time you're out canoeing.  You have been canoeing, right?

So, back to treading water while submerged in the river.  When the water is over your head but your feet don't touch the bottom you are essentially at the mercy of the flow.  You can feel water in the current move past you as it travels on to its destination.  It carreses your arms and your face and your torso and legs.  It eddies and swirls around you where you block it, with pressure building up against you and moving you in the direction of the flow.  In a slow moving part of the current you can probably mount a successful fight to hold your position if you choose to do so, but in the swiftest part you likely have no hope.

Unlike the river of water, the river of What Is allows you to breathe even while utterly submerged.  The dark you see there when you open your eyes is not the literal absence of light but rather the infinitude of space-time.  If the flow is murky it's only your inability to See rather than particles of soil and rotting vegetation stirred up and suspended by the same forces keeping you afloat.  One of the coolest things about the river of What Is is that you don't have to travel to it.  Since it's everywhere all you have to do is effect a slight shift in perception and you can experience it.  Having a calm, quiet spot for this is favorable, but I've experienced it in traffic, too, though I don't really recommend that (after the second time it happened I took all of the trance CDs out of my car).  The backdrop isn't necessarily dark at all but can be entirely transparent.  My own perception of the flow is that it's streaks of blue light.  The feeling is still the same--the flow passing me by, softly touching me and inviting me to touch back.

Seeing a person and his or her wyrd and orlog is an exercise in focusing down from the larger river.  My own challenge here is that my singular skill is seeing the specific and generalizing from there rather than seeing a general pattern and working down to something specific.  One needs both skills to be truly effective.  See down from the flow to the person and from the person back into the flow.  Sometimes that first section of information is very hard for me to find and I'm left sifting and sorting through to find it when it should be there for the taking.

Where the river metaphor fails is that unlike an actual river of water, the river of What Is does not have to obey normal physical laws.  It's so very easy to get trapped in the perception of directionality...a river of water flows one direction, and one direction only.  The river of What Is extends infinitely into the past and the future.  The past leaves its imprint, and the pattern of what may come is also there to see.  Unlike the water it remains, and if it has flowed past it isn't lost to perception forever.

The lesson in all of that for me is that rather than striving to see the pattern forward for myself, at which I tend to fail miserably, I can and should be actively searching the flow "backward," and learning every mote of it as thoroughly as I am able.  Only when knowing it is a habit so completely that it is automatic will I be able to look forward for myself with anything approaching clarity.

This past weekend is a perfect opportunity to reflect upon something salient.  After finally starting to feel truly recovered from my surgery I decided that I needed to get out of my house.  A road trip sounded delightful, and since my husband had recently mentioned that he felt as though he could use more alone time I decided that taking my kids to see grandma was a most excellent idea.  That I might get to see my lover, as busy as he is at the moment, was icing on the cake.  My mother was thrilled and my lover agreed to make time to see me.  My kids were stoked. I was excited to be getting the hell out.

The lover needs a name of some kind, especially since "lover" isn't the most apt description, any more than is "friend." A straightforward relationship my ass...anyway, let's go with "A" just to simplify.

We spent two happy days at Mom's house visiting family and friends.  A invited us out for Monday night and the plan became that we'd stay overnight and leave Tuesday morning since he lives 45 minutes in the right direction, and 45 minutes off of a 13 hour drive gets to be significant right about hour 12.  I was happy to be able to see A's lovely wife again, also.  One of these days the two of us will be close, I think.  He further invited one of his friends that has joined us during our book discussions who is also a fellow traveler of sorts.  A wanted us to meet and to like each other, especially since it was rather looking like we might not.  Our first encounter over the phone involved a rather heated disagreement over highlighting in a library book.  If you can't guess, that I'm rather against it is rather an understatement.

Yes, I'd already given up the idea of having time alone with A until sometime in the Fall, if then.  We've already planned a family trip over the 4th of July where my husband and children would be present, and I'm neither an idiot nor an ass.  But I mistakenly allowed myself to hope, knowing that we'd be staying the night and that H would be leaving for work sometime in the morning.  Sex?  Probably not.  After all, my children would be there.  Some companionship?  That just didn't seem so unreasonable. And yet it was.  Out of what turned into a 24 hour visit I was given less than half an hour.  I left there a little confused, a little hurt, and a little angry.

Don't misunderstand.  I thoroughly enjoyed the company, and this visit was a wonderful opportunity for my kids to get to know A and H, who I see being an important part of our lives for a very long time.  My kids had the time of their little lives playing with the dogs and running around in the forest-like yard.  My four-year-old daughter is at least as in love with A as I am and my little boy has a new hero, neither of which could possibly make me happier.  For family building the visit gets a very high grade.

A was, of course, thrilled and highly self-congratulatory over the fact that his friend and I didn't hate each other.  The kid is ok, he's just young.  For all of his intelligence and potential he's still a 22 yo boy.  We need no greater evidence than that after he also spent the night he STAYED the entire time I was there the next day.  Apparently it never occurred to him that I might want a little bit of A's time to myself, having not seen him in two and a half months.  Or if it did, he didn't want me to have that time.  And for A's part, he never hinted or asked him to leave, at least not that I could see.  Whether he did it to spare A's feelings, too see how far into aggravation he could push me, or because he was abjectly clueless is a topic we have yet to discuss.  During the ten minutes he and I actually had alone together while booking my hotel room for the night I even mentioned it, and he laughed it off.  I'd rather believe that they were both simply pulling a "guy" and being completely clueless rather than being intentional.  Cluelessness seems easier to take.

During that precious ten minutes A mentioned how hostile I seemed during conversation, and not just in person, but any time there was a group and discussion.  He was right.  I was far more hostile in tone and confrontational in approach during this visit than the last, and I tend to be that way during our book discussions, too.  Our two most hostile encounters were, in fact, this visit and the last book discussion.  The easiest common factor to see is that I didn't get what I wanted in either case.  Since I'd like to believe that I'm slightly more complex than the average two year old I looked into that more deeply.  Yes, I am fully capable of dealing with not getting what I want.  I have two children and I've been married for nearly eight years.  I have also held jobs, gone to school, and had a family of origin that included younger siblings.  Like most people, my life is an exercise in compromise that often involves not getting what I want, and the vast majority of the time I deal with that frustration the way an adult should.  So why the hostility now?

Some of it is the juvenile desire for attention that I'm not getting, I admit that.  But what else?  What pushes me to the point that I can't just deal?  The biggest, immediately detectable difference between the conversation we had in that 10 minutes and the rest of the 24 hours was the connection we share that was actually in operation.  I didn't feel like I was reaching into nothingness.  And the second thing that became obvious to me not long after was that I was allowed to finish my sentences.  For the few minutes that we were engaged with each other A didn't interrupt me and I could express entire ideas without being dismissed.  When we talk in a group and I speak I get cut off.  OFTEN.  And not to argue my idea or add to it, but to talk to someone else or to change the subject.  Now that I'm aware of it I can choose to not let it bother me so much, but that doesn't change the fact that it's fucking rude and it beyond rubs me the wrong way.  Add to that his habit of changing the definition of a term or idea to suit him so that he never, ever has to say 'I shouldn't have said that' or 'you're right, that was a poor idea,' or 'I'm sorry I was an asshole' makes me want to beat him.  If you're making an argument, the so-called relative nature of reality is not there to allow you an ego-saving outlet.  If your argument fails it fails and you man up and admit it so everyone can move on.  You do not attempt to dance around and convince the people on the other side of the argument that you were really saying what they were saying all along they just weren't smart enough to realize it and you can't be held responsible for their lack of insight.  Then there's the overall mismatch between what comes out of his mouth and his behavior.

The final piece of the puzzle, at least for this visit and the time being, is the extent to which A spoke about manipulating his wife, for her own good of course.  Supposedly he values her liberty so much that he refuses to acknowledge her relationship to him as his wife because he thinks that implies ownership and therefore slavery.  Yet he feels somehow justified in using psychological techniques to manipulate her decision making and her mood to suit him if he thinks it's for the best.  If he's that willing to subvert her Will, the woman with whom he has made a life for the last 12 years, who he has called his "rock," and without whom he told me that he wasn't sure he could continue, how will he treat me?  What or who am I except a woman he took on a date that he reconnected with for a sexual liason?  Under that lense it seems no wonder that he'd mock the love I have for him.

If the disparity of word and action wasn't there it would be terribly easy for me to dispair over our relationship.  I've seen him interact with H and at least second hand witnessed his behavior toward her.  I know how much he loves and cherishes her and how devastated he would be without her, in spite of his recent assertation that he "could take it."  I watched him with my kids.  I watched him with his dogs.  I can see how he treats me when we don't end up with a bunch of BS in the way.  There's such an amazing difference between who and what he is and the facade he throws up to try to seem to be what he thinks other people should see.

I have a great deal of material to look back on.  There are patterns within patterns and all manner of pieces to puzzle through.  Again, once that's done, and once it becomes a habit, maybe then I'll be able to look forward and see something useful.

river, flow, trance work, seidhr

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