Tripping, Falling, etc.
I feel like I haven't updated in a while and I guess I have a lot to say, although none of it is really all that good past about a month ago. So, fair warning that there is a whinefest ahead.
In fact the only really good thing I can think of is that music has been somewhat progressing. Although not the speed I'd prefer. We did an open mic back at the end of March that was .... thrilling. Successful. Everything I wanted from it we got. We networked, we didn't screw up, people loved the song. I had really high hopes.
That night I started getting a sore throat and it was all downhill from there, I swear. I very quickly came down with pretty much every flu and cold symptom I could. Sore throat progressed into fever, getting up to 101.3 at one point. Being that sick I always have the notion I'd be better off shot. Sometimes I really do beg Ken to just put me out of my misery, and then I feel even worse for being so pathetic. So that was not a very good night.
I started recovering from the fever the next day but gained a cough that was so bad at one point I couldn't get any sleep. So Ken got me some cough suppressant-- Dexamethasone. It worked ok, but I was still waking up coughing, so I went to the doctor and she prescribed me, among other things, codeine.
Can you see where this story is heading?
Okay guys just in case you do not: I tried the codeine and I was still waking up. In fact more than with the Dexamethasone. So after waking up twice I took some of the cough suppressant Ken had gotten me originally, not really thinking about it. Just wanting to get enough sleep so I could go back into work because I had already run out of sick time.
Cut to a few hours later when my alarm goes off. I get up, feeling a little off-balance but not too bad, make my way to the shower...
...and nearly pass out on the bathroom floor. Ken helped me back to bed but I was shaking and feeling extremely warm, and then cold, and then warm again, and my anxiety levels were through the roof.
I looked it up later online and felt like a complete idiot. GUYS. I WAS TRIPPING. DXM and codeine is, as you probably knew, a drug combination people take to get high.
So after that I just gave up on the codeine. That's my funny illness story. What's not so funny about that illness is that it took me two weeks to feel halfway normal, and even then I just barely got my singing range back last week. So, no open mics for us since.
So just after I'd recovered from that cold/flu thing the second tragedy hit. As you may know, I've recently re-discovered my love for dance. Well, last last Monday, dance did not love me. I have always been pretty awful at en dehors turns, and well. Everything. But I'd been able to console myself so far that at least I've never fallen. Now, folks? I have fallen. Hard. On my left ankle. Yes, the one I sprained 6 years ago. Yes. THAT one. It is now re-sprained.
:(
So for the past week I've been hobbling around on crutches and in chronic pain that never really gets completely masked by the painkillers. I had to stop taking ibuprofen because it started making me feel really stoned and weird and was hurting my stomach. So I've switched to Tylenol for now. Maybe codeine later. We'll see. I'm already stir-crazy, frustrated and guilt-ridden over this. I hate not being able to fend for myself, or to move, or to be useful. I've watched more TV per night than I did when I was unemployed. I've gained 2 or 3 pounds.
Oh but the news gets much worse.
As a consequence of spraining my ankle, and the Craft Center not having disability access to the classroom where I teach... taught... drawing, I had to beg out of teaching the class. That makes sense, right? I can't get to campus even, really, with this thing because parking for teachers does not exist and I obviously can't bike, and crutching on the bus will probably kill my other ankle to be honest. And I'm in so much pain still I don't think I even could string a sentence together verbally. So I canceled last week's, obviously, and I thought that the manager would, you know, call me back and we'd figure out what to do. Because who gets a sprained ankle and is fine to climb a huge flight of stairs to a classroom in one week?
Well, she never contacted me so this week I called up her supervisor (she wasn't there, she's never there) and asked what we could do. I suggested a sub if possible, for the rest of the quarter and the supervisor said she'd see what could be done on that front.
Today I got an email from the manager telling me that she was going to use a complete newbie TA as the teacher and that she was already as qualified as I was to teach it (rub it in much, bitch?), and also that she didn't want me teaching next quarter because she wanted me to re-evaluate whether I wanted to continue teaching this course. She went on to explain what a fucking HARDSHIP it was for her to reschedule missed classes, and so on. She referred to my difficulty making it to class last quarter, but she really must have been referring to the two classes I had to reschedule two full quarters ago, as proof that I guess I'm a shitty teacher with no commitment to this job. One of those times back in the Fall was due to illness and one was due to a dying pet being rushed to the vet (Wilson, whom we ended up having to euthanize).
So now I guess I'm fired from my part-time art teaching job, which I loved, and I feel like this is thinly veiled discrimination. Not sure what to do next. Part of me just wants to say screw it because it's not nearly the only problem going on in my life right now, and everything is slowly spiralling down the drain and I'm almost ready to say seriously that I want off this ride.
I don't even have a therapist anymore guys. Not to mention that the roleplay game I was enjoying so much issued me a reprimand on my birthday because someone apparently has it out for me and made up some bogus complaints that don't even make sense. And now with those three safe havens gone I sort of feel like I have nowhere to go. Doesn't help that I've been going crazier than usual and really need these things much more than I might have at another time. I dunno. Feels like everything is abandoning me the instant I find happiness with it. Maybe the universe just doesn't want me to be happy.
Sorry for the moping, lj but I'm sure the three of you that might read through all this will forgive me :/
In fact the only really good thing I can think of is that music has been somewhat progressing. Although not the speed I'd prefer. We did an open mic back at the end of March that was .... thrilling. Successful. Everything I wanted from it we got. We networked, we didn't screw up, people loved the song. I had really high hopes.
That night I started getting a sore throat and it was all downhill from there, I swear. I very quickly came down with pretty much every flu and cold symptom I could. Sore throat progressed into fever, getting up to 101.3 at one point. Being that sick I always have the notion I'd be better off shot. Sometimes I really do beg Ken to just put me out of my misery, and then I feel even worse for being so pathetic. So that was not a very good night.
I started recovering from the fever the next day but gained a cough that was so bad at one point I couldn't get any sleep. So Ken got me some cough suppressant-- Dexamethasone. It worked ok, but I was still waking up coughing, so I went to the doctor and she prescribed me, among other things, codeine.
Can you see where this story is heading?
Okay guys just in case you do not: I tried the codeine and I was still waking up. In fact more than with the Dexamethasone. So after waking up twice I took some of the cough suppressant Ken had gotten me originally, not really thinking about it. Just wanting to get enough sleep so I could go back into work because I had already run out of sick time.
Cut to a few hours later when my alarm goes off. I get up, feeling a little off-balance but not too bad, make my way to the shower...
...and nearly pass out on the bathroom floor. Ken helped me back to bed but I was shaking and feeling extremely warm, and then cold, and then warm again, and my anxiety levels were through the roof.
I looked it up later online and felt like a complete idiot. GUYS. I WAS TRIPPING. DXM and codeine is, as you probably knew, a drug combination people take to get high.
So after that I just gave up on the codeine. That's my funny illness story. What's not so funny about that illness is that it took me two weeks to feel halfway normal, and even then I just barely got my singing range back last week. So, no open mics for us since.
So just after I'd recovered from that cold/flu thing the second tragedy hit. As you may know, I've recently re-discovered my love for dance. Well, last last Monday, dance did not love me. I have always been pretty awful at en dehors turns, and well. Everything. But I'd been able to console myself so far that at least I've never fallen. Now, folks? I have fallen. Hard. On my left ankle. Yes, the one I sprained 6 years ago. Yes. THAT one. It is now re-sprained.
:(
So for the past week I've been hobbling around on crutches and in chronic pain that never really gets completely masked by the painkillers. I had to stop taking ibuprofen because it started making me feel really stoned and weird and was hurting my stomach. So I've switched to Tylenol for now. Maybe codeine later. We'll see. I'm already stir-crazy, frustrated and guilt-ridden over this. I hate not being able to fend for myself, or to move, or to be useful. I've watched more TV per night than I did when I was unemployed. I've gained 2 or 3 pounds.
Oh but the news gets much worse.
As a consequence of spraining my ankle, and the Craft Center not having disability access to the classroom where I teach... taught... drawing, I had to beg out of teaching the class. That makes sense, right? I can't get to campus even, really, with this thing because parking for teachers does not exist and I obviously can't bike, and crutching on the bus will probably kill my other ankle to be honest. And I'm in so much pain still I don't think I even could string a sentence together verbally. So I canceled last week's, obviously, and I thought that the manager would, you know, call me back and we'd figure out what to do. Because who gets a sprained ankle and is fine to climb a huge flight of stairs to a classroom in one week?
Well, she never contacted me so this week I called up her supervisor (she wasn't there, she's never there) and asked what we could do. I suggested a sub if possible, for the rest of the quarter and the supervisor said she'd see what could be done on that front.
Today I got an email from the manager telling me that she was going to use a complete newbie TA as the teacher and that she was already as qualified as I was to teach it (rub it in much, bitch?), and also that she didn't want me teaching next quarter because she wanted me to re-evaluate whether I wanted to continue teaching this course. She went on to explain what a fucking HARDSHIP it was for her to reschedule missed classes, and so on. She referred to my difficulty making it to class last quarter, but she really must have been referring to the two classes I had to reschedule two full quarters ago, as proof that I guess I'm a shitty teacher with no commitment to this job. One of those times back in the Fall was due to illness and one was due to a dying pet being rushed to the vet (Wilson, whom we ended up having to euthanize).
So now I guess I'm fired from my part-time art teaching job, which I loved, and I feel like this is thinly veiled discrimination. Not sure what to do next. Part of me just wants to say screw it because it's not nearly the only problem going on in my life right now, and everything is slowly spiralling down the drain and I'm almost ready to say seriously that I want off this ride.
I don't even have a therapist anymore guys. Not to mention that the roleplay game I was enjoying so much issued me a reprimand on my birthday because someone apparently has it out for me and made up some bogus complaints that don't even make sense. And now with those three safe havens gone I sort of feel like I have nowhere to go. Doesn't help that I've been going crazier than usual and really need these things much more than I might have at another time. I dunno. Feels like everything is abandoning me the instant I find happiness with it. Maybe the universe just doesn't want me to be happy.
Sorry for the moping, lj but I'm sure the three of you that might read through all this will forgive me :/