where to begin

[freyja]

i feel strangled by the weight of my desires. because i can't begin to articulate, or you've heard it all before, some stolen words bouncing around my head:

gotta get back to the bottom
the big come down, isn't that what you wanted?
find a place with the failed and forgotten
isn't that really what you wanted now?

Now when some of us hit this world
we hit it with our face
open up our mouths like a bulldozer
and start ripping up the place
but then others of us sneak in sideways
keeping one foot on the floor
bouncing in and out of life like a long bad dream
till we're never really sure
Is this me? is this my life?

is it enough to have some love
small enough to slip inside a book
small enough to cover with your hand
because everyone around you wants to look

is it enough to have some love
small enough to slip inside the cracks
the pieces don’t fit together so good
with all the breaking and all the gluing back

and i am still not getting what i want
i want to touch the back of your right arm
i wish you could remind me who i was
because every day i’m a little further off

but you are, my love, the astronaut
flying in the face of science
i will gladly stay an afterthought
just bring back some nice reminders

and is it getting harder to pretend
that life goes on without you in the wake
and can you see the means without the end
in the random frantic action that we take

and is it getting easy not to care
despite the many rings around your name
it isn’t funny and it isn’t fair
you’ve traveled all this way and it’s the same

i would tell them anything to see you split the evening
but as you see i do not have an awful lot to tell
everybody’s sick for something that they can find fascinating
everyone but you
and even you aren’t feeling well

YES you are, my love, the astronaut
crashing in the name of science
just my luck they sent your upper half
it’s a very nice reminder
it’s a very nice reminder

(and you may be acquainted with the night
but i have seen the darkness in the day
and you must know it is a terrifying sight
because you and i are living the same way)

(( you've got a way with words
you've got a way that makes me feel so complicated
your message meets the floor
the horizon meets your horse and you're deliberating
i'm only clearing my throat
and don't you ever wish for just one thing you might never see?
don't you ever wish for just one thing you might never know?
you might never know ))

i'll be black as coal
i'll be cold as steel
i'll be all the things
you never wanted to feel

i'll be deepest pit
i'll be biggest fear
i'll be all the things
you never wanted to hear

i'll be far from home
i'll be without light
i'll be all the things
that come out and scare you at night

And I don't know why
It's so hard to consider this
I've reached up so many times
To find my hands full of emptiness