well, i've had time to reflect on this
and now i know.
i keep hearing ""knives out"" on the radio in my car, and it is always near the end of a trip, coming back home. usually at its stressiest for me, because you never know what you're going to find when you come home.
well, isn't that right?
when this song comes on, it's funny, because i definitely get some sort of rush. a rush that calms. it's the same when i hear ""paranoid android"" or ""idioteque.""
music is my drug, it alters my brain chemicals.
i was driving home from wal-mart (yeah, i know, evil evil) and glimpsed two guys leaning over the incidental walkways/bikepaths above 93... just leaning over the fence looking at the cars below, talking speculatively
later i saw a few motorbikes at the side of the road, people checking out something or other, talking speculatively... even saw a motorbike family at one point, little blond ten-year-old-or-so kid with his finger in his mouth and a sassy little stare, waiting for mom and dad (or auntie and uncle i suppose) to finish up whatever they were doing and get him back on that fast machine
both times i got this incredible pang of sadness, jealousy, longing. i realize i don't have a life right now. i have no family, no tribe. not really. i feel as if i don't belong where i am right now, as if no one around me connects.
and i really yearn for fall. i know i'm going one of two places, boston or california. with any luck. and if i move to california, i know i'll have a life, i'll get to meet all of fluffy's friends and we'll get to go hiking and beaching and bike riding and i'll get to bring gidget along. and i know that if i move to boston i'll get to see jaQ and sara and nikki and andre and jules and countless other rockers, and while most of them may be a bit more casual than i would like, they do know me more than most, and i would feel safe secure loved there as well. and boston feels like a home to me. it does.
but right now, as it is, i feel lost and bored. my dad thinks it's due at least in part to me not finishing my thesis... he thinks once that is squared away i won't feel so between anymore
that's what it feels like, that's it, between, not any two ends in sight, just between is all i feel
maybe he's right. or maybe he's wrong and i'll always feel alone like this. i'll always feel like crying for no logical reason, and i'll always shun the people i should be embracing and vice versa. maybe my circuits have been reversed, my faucet heads have been switched, my wires have been crossed because of all the things i've let affect me.
i hope, i really hope, it's just the directionlessness of this summer, the nothing-to-do-but-work-and-hope thing that has me this way, that once i get something concrete to go on i can be myself again and really live.
-7/01
i keep hearing ""knives out"" on the radio in my car, and it is always near the end of a trip, coming back home. usually at its stressiest for me, because you never know what you're going to find when you come home.
well, isn't that right?
when this song comes on, it's funny, because i definitely get some sort of rush. a rush that calms. it's the same when i hear ""paranoid android"" or ""idioteque.""
music is my drug, it alters my brain chemicals.
i was driving home from wal-mart (yeah, i know, evil evil) and glimpsed two guys leaning over the incidental walkways/bikepaths above 93... just leaning over the fence looking at the cars below, talking speculatively
later i saw a few motorbikes at the side of the road, people checking out something or other, talking speculatively... even saw a motorbike family at one point, little blond ten-year-old-or-so kid with his finger in his mouth and a sassy little stare, waiting for mom and dad (or auntie and uncle i suppose) to finish up whatever they were doing and get him back on that fast machine
both times i got this incredible pang of sadness, jealousy, longing. i realize i don't have a life right now. i have no family, no tribe. not really. i feel as if i don't belong where i am right now, as if no one around me connects.
and i really yearn for fall. i know i'm going one of two places, boston or california. with any luck. and if i move to california, i know i'll have a life, i'll get to meet all of fluffy's friends and we'll get to go hiking and beaching and bike riding and i'll get to bring gidget along. and i know that if i move to boston i'll get to see jaQ and sara and nikki and andre and jules and countless other rockers, and while most of them may be a bit more casual than i would like, they do know me more than most, and i would feel safe secure loved there as well. and boston feels like a home to me. it does.
but right now, as it is, i feel lost and bored. my dad thinks it's due at least in part to me not finishing my thesis... he thinks once that is squared away i won't feel so between anymore
that's what it feels like, that's it, between, not any two ends in sight, just between is all i feel
maybe he's right. or maybe he's wrong and i'll always feel alone like this. i'll always feel like crying for no logical reason, and i'll always shun the people i should be embracing and vice versa. maybe my circuits have been reversed, my faucet heads have been switched, my wires have been crossed because of all the things i've let affect me.
i hope, i really hope, it's just the directionlessness of this summer, the nothing-to-do-but-work-and-hope thing that has me this way, that once i get something concrete to go on i can be myself again and really live.
-7/01