(no subject)
I don't know what it is about this time of year, but it seems every year lately I start having issues. I am back to not being able to sleep or eat. I feel so lost. I have pulled away from people even more then I had been. When I do sleep I wake up with all these things I want to do, and the next thing I know I should be going to bed and I seem to have accomplished absolutely nothing. I have a hair trigger; I assume it's from the lack of good sleep or food probably both. Every little task I do seems to be like pulling teeth. I mean just the simplest must do things like making meals for the family god forbid it's something that makes me have to leave the house like getting the mail or taking Alex to cheerleading practice. Thank goodness 90% of my bills are paperless since I am now to the point I got to the post office only once a week (we don't have mail delivery here). The only reason I do that is so when Todd comes home for the weekend and stops on his way he doesn't see that it’s been forever since I went. I know he sees it, I know it bothers him and I know he is avoiding asking the dreaded question "What's wrong" or "is there anything I can do" He already knows the answer. "Nothing...Everything" and "NO!"
I don’t know what’s wrong, yet nothing seems right. I can't fix it, I can't fix me. Everyone around me is suffering and I can't stop it I can't fix it. I can't make it better because it's me doing it and I d don’t know why, I don't know anything anymore. There are very few times in my life where I wish I was normal where I wish I wasn't me any more and this is one of them. I know there is a quick fix but it isn't a perma fix and I don’t' like it I think I hate the fix and how it “fixes" me worse then I hate being like this but at least everyone else stops suffering because of me least I can fix that.
I don’t know what’s wrong, yet nothing seems right. I can't fix it, I can't fix me. Everyone around me is suffering and I can't stop it I can't fix it. I can't make it better because it's me doing it and I d don’t know why, I don't know anything anymore. There are very few times in my life where I wish I was normal where I wish I wasn't me any more and this is one of them. I know there is a quick fix but it isn't a perma fix and I don’t' like it I think I hate the fix and how it “fixes" me worse then I hate being like this but at least everyone else stops suffering because of me least I can fix that.