(no subject)
Execution of All Things may very well be my favorite album to listen to while testing the depths of my self-deprecation.
I want someone to take me and hold me and tell me that it's all ok and that I'm just fine and just hold me hold me hold me without the rationalization without the doubt that that might be inappropriate without the doubt that it's all a fucking lie even if it is a fucking lie and nothing matters is true. What do I want? I want some fucking peace, I want people to stop believing that I'm so goddamn good at the things I wish I were good at, I want to feel real and not like I'm faking it all even when I'm trying so hard to be genuine. Is it the 7 energy drinks and the fact that my piss now looks like the very toxic green I'm consuming every hour? I want to not feel so very alone on this plane of existence and I wish I weren't so deluded into believing that I'm not. I want to stop shaking. And I wish I didn't love things and people so much that it made me want to die.
I wish I were back in Berlin when things seemed so simple, that sunset over the city, glowing with pink flames of infinity into the sky. I think I've been a work-a-holic ever since I got back from Germany to avoid who I was before I left. And now I wish all I wanted was to get drunk and fucked up on the weekends but I want so much more, so much fucking more. There's this unbearable depth to me now and I wish I were shallow and blond and beautiful and perfect.
Yes, I'm going insane. But maybe that'll help me crack donkey anaphora and the English reflexive. I feel like I've been in the process of pushing everyone away and near-intentionally alienating myself because suddenly this semantics thing means more than anything in the world. But sometimes I wonder if I'm being dumb and if people really matter too. They do. I guess I wish my major were more people sharing friendly...the idea of working on a film for millions of ours with at first total strangers seems so great to me...I wish I could have that. I wish I could have a group of people around me to work on semantics with me and learn functional programming with me. I suppose I'm banking on grad school to give me that, but now I'm afraid I'm not good enough, that people will discover what a faker I am and that's it.
m-x semantics-mode
Quantifiers in Larson and Segal, how yucky. I miss last semester with Elena. I wish she were my mom.
I want someone to take me and hold me and tell me that it's all ok and that I'm just fine and just hold me hold me hold me without the rationalization without the doubt that that might be inappropriate without the doubt that it's all a fucking lie even if it is a fucking lie and nothing matters is true. What do I want? I want some fucking peace, I want people to stop believing that I'm so goddamn good at the things I wish I were good at, I want to feel real and not like I'm faking it all even when I'm trying so hard to be genuine. Is it the 7 energy drinks and the fact that my piss now looks like the very toxic green I'm consuming every hour? I want to not feel so very alone on this plane of existence and I wish I weren't so deluded into believing that I'm not. I want to stop shaking. And I wish I didn't love things and people so much that it made me want to die.
I wish I were back in Berlin when things seemed so simple, that sunset over the city, glowing with pink flames of infinity into the sky. I think I've been a work-a-holic ever since I got back from Germany to avoid who I was before I left. And now I wish all I wanted was to get drunk and fucked up on the weekends but I want so much more, so much fucking more. There's this unbearable depth to me now and I wish I were shallow and blond and beautiful and perfect.
Yes, I'm going insane. But maybe that'll help me crack donkey anaphora and the English reflexive. I feel like I've been in the process of pushing everyone away and near-intentionally alienating myself because suddenly this semantics thing means more than anything in the world. But sometimes I wonder if I'm being dumb and if people really matter too. They do. I guess I wish my major were more people sharing friendly...the idea of working on a film for millions of ours with at first total strangers seems so great to me...I wish I could have that. I wish I could have a group of people around me to work on semantics with me and learn functional programming with me. I suppose I'm banking on grad school to give me that, but now I'm afraid I'm not good enough, that people will discover what a faker I am and that's it.
m-x semantics-mode
Quantifiers in Larson and Segal, how yucky. I miss last semester with Elena. I wish she were my mom.