To conquer death you only have to die, you only have to die....
Tonight i am swirling around in the mystery of what is and what isn't. i'm so fucking sick of hanging on by one single thread onto my feaith that a god even exists. I keep outlining excuses as to why God Must exist, but they are nothing beyond just excuses if they have nothing to back them up. I need something to ignite within myself again, it's been pretty bleak in here.
Watching Jesus Christ superstar is hard, now that i am a full on believer that Jesus was fo-sho black, and furthermore, with so many spins on religion, how am I supposed ot believe that what i have been handed to me by sunday school teachers is what is true. We read the eurocentric bible, who knows what those fuckers have added or taken out!
Im sick of searching for purpose when I know there is none. I just can't imagine that obeying my parents right now will benefit me when i know that i really could use a fast car and a lot of liquor and a big brick wall.
Ignite the fire, baby, ignite it.
Furthermore, aside from feeling like God is continually throwing me off a cliff only to grab me by my fingernails before i nearly impale myself on a sharp rock, i know there is no purpose to relationships.
I will never find anyone who will make me truly happy. I know this. True love is bullshit that is blasphemed about in movies like the princess bride.
Maybe we've just diluted love so much that it is merely a quick fix for loneliness. We have microwaves, online universities, and fast food just because we can't wait for anything without our patience giving out. Love is someone who temporarily fixes a problem. Love is the band-aid put on a cut that goes down to the bone.
And i realize now, that for being filled with so much awe and admiration for NTR, i am completely incapable of understanding love, and though i hold many things in the greatest regard, i do not love them, because i can't love.
If i could, i would be happy with where I am in life.
Maybe I can. Maybe no one lets me love them the way i need them to.
I am so tired of doing things for no forseeable outcome. My mom tells me i should lose weight and dress less "tacky" but why? Shouldn't people love me for the tacky ball of fat that I am? And anyway, i'm not the one wearing white shoes after labor day.
I worry about not having a connection to God. Isn't this where my life is headed? how does one "minister" when God doesn't even exist in their world anymore?
I talk to god and get static these days.
Trying to fit in a million religious practices to one god baffles me. I believe everyone is legitimate and God presents godself to people in very different, personal ways, and so every practice is valid. I'm so fuckin sick of everyone having their better god. it's like i'm at the fuckin fresno fair in the FFA ag building watching everyone show off their goats or something. My god has already been castrated.
I wonder if these documents will be held against me in a court of law on judgement day? if so, Im riding to hell in a ham sandwich.
God, if you want me, i've tried. It's your turn now.
I have all the books i can read on you, and I have prayed in so many ways that im about to start hanging upside down form my ceiling fan just to see if i can find you.
I am human, and I am weak willed. And i am near giving up, so if you are what everyone says you are, come and get me. I too, need to be fed. So roll out that feast, God, i'm waiting for you.
Watching Jesus Christ superstar is hard, now that i am a full on believer that Jesus was fo-sho black, and furthermore, with so many spins on religion, how am I supposed ot believe that what i have been handed to me by sunday school teachers is what is true. We read the eurocentric bible, who knows what those fuckers have added or taken out!
Im sick of searching for purpose when I know there is none. I just can't imagine that obeying my parents right now will benefit me when i know that i really could use a fast car and a lot of liquor and a big brick wall.
Ignite the fire, baby, ignite it.
Furthermore, aside from feeling like God is continually throwing me off a cliff only to grab me by my fingernails before i nearly impale myself on a sharp rock, i know there is no purpose to relationships.
I will never find anyone who will make me truly happy. I know this. True love is bullshit that is blasphemed about in movies like the princess bride.
Maybe we've just diluted love so much that it is merely a quick fix for loneliness. We have microwaves, online universities, and fast food just because we can't wait for anything without our patience giving out. Love is someone who temporarily fixes a problem. Love is the band-aid put on a cut that goes down to the bone.
And i realize now, that for being filled with so much awe and admiration for NTR, i am completely incapable of understanding love, and though i hold many things in the greatest regard, i do not love them, because i can't love.
If i could, i would be happy with where I am in life.
Maybe I can. Maybe no one lets me love them the way i need them to.
I am so tired of doing things for no forseeable outcome. My mom tells me i should lose weight and dress less "tacky" but why? Shouldn't people love me for the tacky ball of fat that I am? And anyway, i'm not the one wearing white shoes after labor day.
I worry about not having a connection to God. Isn't this where my life is headed? how does one "minister" when God doesn't even exist in their world anymore?
I talk to god and get static these days.
Trying to fit in a million religious practices to one god baffles me. I believe everyone is legitimate and God presents godself to people in very different, personal ways, and so every practice is valid. I'm so fuckin sick of everyone having their better god. it's like i'm at the fuckin fresno fair in the FFA ag building watching everyone show off their goats or something. My god has already been castrated.
I wonder if these documents will be held against me in a court of law on judgement day? if so, Im riding to hell in a ham sandwich.
God, if you want me, i've tried. It's your turn now.
I have all the books i can read on you, and I have prayed in so many ways that im about to start hanging upside down form my ceiling fan just to see if i can find you.
I am human, and I am weak willed. And i am near giving up, so if you are what everyone says you are, come and get me. I too, need to be fed. So roll out that feast, God, i'm waiting for you.