Just a Few Random Jokes
Dear John
Dear Husband
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been
a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you
had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came
home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked
your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home
and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.
You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.
Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is,
I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away
to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your Ex-Wife
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you
and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry
from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your
constant nagging. Too bad that doesn! 't work. I did notice when you cut off
all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look
just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say
anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me
confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price
tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just
borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I
discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and
bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Every-
thing happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always
wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime
from me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was
born Carla.
I hope that's not a problem.
Indian Story
There once was an Indian whose given name was Onestone". So named because
he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to
call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a
young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love
to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until
Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant
what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by
his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village
after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin,
was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see
you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then
he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her
all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird
wouldn't die! What is the moral of this story?
OH, come on ... take a guess!
Think about it
(You're going to love this!)
And the moral is
... You can't kill two birds with one stone!
Seven Degrees of a Blonde
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and
said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is
clear."
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks
familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she
finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is
overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US
government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked
and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my
possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman.
THE BOX UNDER BILL & HILLARY'S BED
When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I
am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never
to look in it."
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never
looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary,
curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid
and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans
and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now
that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly
curious as to why there even was such a box with such
contents. That evening, they were out for a special
anniversary dinner.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her
curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry,
Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into
the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much
and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer
cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years
you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I
put
an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to
do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica.
I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However,
since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3
times is not that bad considering your problem."
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made
their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do
you
have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with
empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and
redeemed them for cash."
WHY BUBBA SHOULD NEVER NAME BABIES
Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, -which caused
her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she -awakens and
sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks -the doctor
about her baby.
The doctor replies,"Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. -The babies
are fine. Your brother came in and named them"
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an -idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the -girl's
name?"
"Denise," the doctor answers.
The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess -I was
wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise. What's -the boy's
name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew."
A NEW TYPE OF WAL-MART
A Wal-Mart store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, TX, where a
woman may go to choose a husband from among many men.
Among the instructions at the entrance, is a description of how the store
operates.
There are only 6 floors. It states that the attributes of the men
increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch.... As you open the door to any floor you may
choose any man from that floor, but if you
go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So, a woman goes to the Wal-Mart Husband Store to find a husband......
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and
help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with
the housework, and have a strong romantic
streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please.
Thank you for shopping Wal-Mart's Husband Store.
MYSTERIES OF THE MONK
A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful old
monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the front
door. A monk answered, listened to the man's story and
graciously invited him to spend the night.
The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to
sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he
was awakened by a strange and beautiful sound.
The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car, he asked
about the sound that had woken him. "We're sorry," the monks
said. "We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."
The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked
the monks for their kindness and went on his way. During quiet
moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the alluring
sound.
Several years later the man happened to be driving in the same
area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked
admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed
his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to
spend another night under their peaceful roof. The monks
agreed, and so the man stayed with them again. Late that
night, he heard the strange beautiful sound.
The following morning he begged the monks to explain the sound.
The monks gave him the same answer as before.
"We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a
monk."
By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided
to give up everything and become a monk; for that was the only
way he could learn about the sound. He informed the monks of
his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a
monk.
Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a
true member of the order.
When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the
order and asked to be told the source of the sound. Silently,
the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened
the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a
second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until
they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent
than the last. The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy
as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the beautiful
mysterious sound he had heard so many years before..........
But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk.
WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen
to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son.
Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health
class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3
and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one
for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO
for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking
up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those
are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for
March......."
THREE WOMEN
ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. " I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."
THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FELT DECIDELY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FINALLY SAID, "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT. I'M GETTIN' A FAX
WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY...
LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME. AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY."
I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER. MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT.
AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED. I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."
I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET'S GO!" WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY
ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"
I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?" SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."
AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."
"OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.
SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT
CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE...
FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS,
ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".
AND I JUST SAT THERE...
ON THE COUCH...
NAKED.
These are too good...
Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech support! : Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
===============
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
= ==============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, damn it!
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there anothe! r keyboa rd?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
===============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: &nb sp;What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be t! he probl em?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
===============
And last but not least:....
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
One Flaw In Women
By the time the Lord made woman,
He was into his sixth day of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said,
"Why are you spending so much time on this one?"
And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable
and able to run on diet coke and leftovers,
have a lap that can hold four children at one time,
have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart
-and she will do everything
with only two hands."
The angel was astounded at the requirements.
"Only two hands!? No way!
And that's just on the standard model?
That's too much work for one day.
Wait until tomorrow to finish."
But I won't," the Lord protested.
"I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart.
She already heals herself when she is sick
AND can work 18 hour days."
The angel moved closer and touched the woman.
"But you have made her so soft, Lord."
"She is soft," the Lord agreed,
"but I have also made her tough.
You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."
"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.
The Lord replied,
"Not only will she be able to think,
she will be able to reason and negotiate."
The angel then noticed something,
and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.
"Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.
I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."
"That's not a leak,"
the Lord corrected,
"that's a tear!"
"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.
The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy,
her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,
her loneliness, her grief and her pride."
The angel was impressed.
"You are a genius, Lord.
You thought of everything!
Woman is truly amazing."
And she is!
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness,
love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
PLEASE pass this along to all your women friends and relatives
to remind them just how amazing they are.
Go Fishing
A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big "Everything
Under One Roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Missouri."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store
was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says "one".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.
How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$10 1,237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
medium
fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing
rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the
coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the
boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he
didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I
said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "
Retirees
One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a nursing home.
On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I
thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.
On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same
six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk
to the manager. "Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on
your front lawn?"
"Yes," he said. "They're retired prostitutes and they're having a
yard sale.
Useful Things To Know...*GRANDMA'S CURES*
Keep this on the Fridge
Did You Know That? Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately -- without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional "pain relievers."
Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns.
Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.
Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.
Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.
Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly -- even though the product was never been advertised for this use.
Honey remedy for skin blemishes... Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.
Listerine therapy for toenail fungus... Get r id of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.
Easy eyeglass protection... To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.
Coca-Cola cure for rust... Forget those expensive rust removers. Just saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the rust stain. The phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job done.
Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer... If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly.
Smart splinter remover...just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue.
Hunt's tomato paste boil cure...cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.
Balm for broken blisters...To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine... a powerful antiseptic.
Heinz vinegar to heal bruises . Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.
Kills fleas instantly. Dawn dish washing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Goodbye fleas.
Rainy day cure for dog odor... Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.
Eliminate ear mites... All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil in your cat's ear. Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.
Quaker Oats for fast pain relief....It's not for breakfast anymore! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.
Harvey & Gladys
Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in front of
her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.
"You know, Harvey," she comments, "I stare into this mirror and I see an
ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they
dangle
to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and my butt
looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenburg!" She turns to face her
husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my
body
so I can feel better about myself."
Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft,
thoughtful voice, "Well...there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for Harvey will be held Tuesday morning
MAD WIFE DISEASE
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. "What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Laura Lou' written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh Honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"
She replied, "Your horse called."
GIT R DONE
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite
fighting unit called the U . S . REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF).
These Carolina, Tennessee, Kentucky, Virginia,
Mississippi, Oklahoma, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, & Texas
boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given only the
following facts about Terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, dogs, pickup trucks, old country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
This mess Bush created in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK.
Hilarious
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court.
I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The
teenager had spiked hair in all different colors; green, red, orange,and
blue. The old man kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When
the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old
man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response.
He replied, "While I was in the Navy and touring Africa ,I Got drunk once and had sex with a Parrot
I was just wondering if you were my son."
A Nun in Hooters...
A Nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once
in
a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out,
the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the Nun, dressed in the traditional
floor-length black habit, the room went dead silent. She walked up to
the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you,
that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig
leaf."
"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the Nun.
So, the bartender showed the Nun to the back of the restaurant, and she
proceeded to the restroom.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped
just
long enough to give the Nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bar! tender and said, "Sir, I don't understand."
"Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "would you
like a drink?" "It's on the house"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled Nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender,
"every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go
out."
"Now, how about that drink?"
Dear Husband
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been
a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you
had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came
home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked
your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home
and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.
You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.
Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is,
I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away
to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your Ex-Wife
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you
and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry
from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your
constant nagging. Too bad that doesn! 't work. I did notice when you cut off
all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look
just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say
anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me
confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price
tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just
borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I
discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and
bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Every-
thing happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always
wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime
from me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was
born Carla.
I hope that's not a problem.
Indian Story
There once was an Indian whose given name was Onestone". So named because
he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to
call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a
young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love
to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until
Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant
what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by
his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village
after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin,
was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see
you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then
he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her
all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird
wouldn't die! What is the moral of this story?
OH, come on ... take a guess!
Think about it
(You're going to love this!)
And the moral is
... You can't kill two birds with one stone!
Seven Degrees of a Blonde
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and
said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is
clear."
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks
familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she
finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is
overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US
government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked
and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my
possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman.
THE BOX UNDER BILL & HILLARY'S BED
When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I
am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never
to look in it."
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never
looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary,
curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid
and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans
and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now
that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly
curious as to why there even was such a box with such
contents. That evening, they were out for a special
anniversary dinner.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her
curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry,
Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into
the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much
and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer
cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years
you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I
put
an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to
do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica.
I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However,
since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3
times is not that bad considering your problem."
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made
their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do
you
have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with
empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and
redeemed them for cash."
WHY BUBBA SHOULD NEVER NAME BABIES
Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, -which caused
her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she -awakens and
sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks -the doctor
about her baby.
The doctor replies,"Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. -The babies
are fine. Your brother came in and named them"
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an -idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the -girl's
name?"
"Denise," the doctor answers.
The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess -I was
wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise. What's -the boy's
name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew."
A NEW TYPE OF WAL-MART
A Wal-Mart store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, TX, where a
woman may go to choose a husband from among many men.
Among the instructions at the entrance, is a description of how the store
operates.
There are only 6 floors. It states that the attributes of the men
increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch.... As you open the door to any floor you may
choose any man from that floor, but if you
go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So, a woman goes to the Wal-Mart Husband Store to find a husband......
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and
help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with
the housework, and have a strong romantic
streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please.
Thank you for shopping Wal-Mart's Husband Store.
MYSTERIES OF THE MONK
A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful old
monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the front
door. A monk answered, listened to the man's story and
graciously invited him to spend the night.
The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to
sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he
was awakened by a strange and beautiful sound.
The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car, he asked
about the sound that had woken him. "We're sorry," the monks
said. "We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."
The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked
the monks for their kindness and went on his way. During quiet
moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the alluring
sound.
Several years later the man happened to be driving in the same
area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked
admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed
his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to
spend another night under their peaceful roof. The monks
agreed, and so the man stayed with them again. Late that
night, he heard the strange beautiful sound.
The following morning he begged the monks to explain the sound.
The monks gave him the same answer as before.
"We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a
monk."
By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided
to give up everything and become a monk; for that was the only
way he could learn about the sound. He informed the monks of
his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a
monk.
Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a
true member of the order.
When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the
order and asked to be told the source of the sound. Silently,
the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened
the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a
second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until
they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent
than the last. The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy
as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the beautiful
mysterious sound he had heard so many years before..........
But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk.
WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen
to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son.
Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health
class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3
and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one
for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO
for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking
up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those
are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for
March......."
THREE WOMEN
ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. " I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."
THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FELT DECIDELY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FINALLY SAID, "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT. I'M GETTIN' A FAX
WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY...
LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME. AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY."
I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER. MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT.
AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED. I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."
I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET'S GO!" WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY
ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"
I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?" SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."
AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."
"OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.
SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT
CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE...
FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS,
ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".
AND I JUST SAT THERE...
ON THE COUCH...
NAKED.
These are too good...
Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech support! : Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
===============
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
= ==============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, damn it!
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there anothe! r keyboa rd?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
===============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: &nb sp;What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be t! he probl em?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
===============
And last but not least:....
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
One Flaw In Women
By the time the Lord made woman,
He was into his sixth day of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said,
"Why are you spending so much time on this one?"
And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable
and able to run on diet coke and leftovers,
have a lap that can hold four children at one time,
have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart
-and she will do everything
with only two hands."
The angel was astounded at the requirements.
"Only two hands!? No way!
And that's just on the standard model?
That's too much work for one day.
Wait until tomorrow to finish."
But I won't," the Lord protested.
"I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart.
She already heals herself when she is sick
AND can work 18 hour days."
The angel moved closer and touched the woman.
"But you have made her so soft, Lord."
"She is soft," the Lord agreed,
"but I have also made her tough.
You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."
"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.
The Lord replied,
"Not only will she be able to think,
she will be able to reason and negotiate."
The angel then noticed something,
and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.
"Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.
I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."
"That's not a leak,"
the Lord corrected,
"that's a tear!"
"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.
The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy,
her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,
her loneliness, her grief and her pride."
The angel was impressed.
"You are a genius, Lord.
You thought of everything!
Woman is truly amazing."
And she is!
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness,
love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
PLEASE pass this along to all your women friends and relatives
to remind them just how amazing they are.
Go Fishing
A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big "Everything
Under One Roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Missouri."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store
was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says "one".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.
How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$10 1,237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
medium
fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing
rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the
coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the
boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he
didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I
said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "
Retirees
One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a nursing home.
On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I
thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.
On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same
six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk
to the manager. "Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on
your front lawn?"
"Yes," he said. "They're retired prostitutes and they're having a
yard sale.
Useful Things To Know...*GRANDMA'S CURES*
Keep this on the Fridge
Did You Know That? Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately -- without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional "pain relievers."
Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns.
Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.
Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.
Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.
Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly -- even though the product was never been advertised for this use.
Honey remedy for skin blemishes... Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.
Listerine therapy for toenail fungus... Get r id of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.
Easy eyeglass protection... To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.
Coca-Cola cure for rust... Forget those expensive rust removers. Just saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the rust stain. The phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job done.
Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer... If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly.
Smart splinter remover...just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue.
Hunt's tomato paste boil cure...cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.
Balm for broken blisters...To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine... a powerful antiseptic.
Heinz vinegar to heal bruises . Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.
Kills fleas instantly. Dawn dish washing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Goodbye fleas.
Rainy day cure for dog odor... Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.
Eliminate ear mites... All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil in your cat's ear. Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.
Quaker Oats for fast pain relief....It's not for breakfast anymore! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.
Harvey & Gladys
Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in front of
her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.
"You know, Harvey," she comments, "I stare into this mirror and I see an
ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they
dangle
to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and my butt
looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenburg!" She turns to face her
husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my
body
so I can feel better about myself."
Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft,
thoughtful voice, "Well...there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for Harvey will be held Tuesday morning
MAD WIFE DISEASE
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. "What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Laura Lou' written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh Honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"
She replied, "Your horse called."
GIT R DONE
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite
fighting unit called the U . S . REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF).
These Carolina, Tennessee, Kentucky, Virginia,
Mississippi, Oklahoma, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, & Texas
boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given only the
following facts about Terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, dogs, pickup trucks, old country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
This mess Bush created in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK.
Hilarious
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court.
I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The
teenager had spiked hair in all different colors; green, red, orange,and
blue. The old man kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When
the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old
man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response.
He replied, "While I was in the Navy and touring Africa ,I Got drunk once and had sex with a Parrot
I was just wondering if you were my son."
A Nun in Hooters...
A Nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once
in
a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out,
the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the Nun, dressed in the traditional
floor-length black habit, the room went dead silent. She walked up to
the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you,
that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig
leaf."
"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the Nun.
So, the bartender showed the Nun to the back of the restaurant, and she
proceeded to the restroom.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped
just
long enough to give the Nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bar! tender and said, "Sir, I don't understand."
"Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "would you
like a drink?" "It's on the house"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled Nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender,
"every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go
out."
"Now, how about that drink?"