(no subject)
God
Fucking
Dammit
For the third or fourth week in a row now, I am completely unscheduled at American Eagle in Jonesboro. This is getting refuckingdiculous. There's a piece of paper with my name on it that's the parody of a schedule, but for every time slot it says, "Unscheduled" the whole way down. This is pissing me off to an extent you would not believe; the first couple weeks of this understatededly frustrating inefficiency were forgivable thanks to the manager transition & the delay in getting my file up here; this time it's not. If it's some ploy to get me to quit, then I am further angered, because I am a damned good employee wherever I work, even if it's a job I hate; and if you're sitting there wondering why I don't quit, it's because I like this job, at least, I did in Little Rock where this type of bullshit did not occur. Right now I am financially poorer than I was three weeks ago, & while this is partially attributable to the fact that I've been spending what money I've gotten on some clothes & stuff (some of which has also been for workclothes at Ruby Tuesday's) like a personal road trip, all of you have been immersed in ennui enough to empathize with me for needing to get away. Furthermore, I SHOULD be getting hours up there, because I've filled out my availability on three separate occassions for three separate managers.
Right now I may as well pack my car, go back to Conway, & beg someone there to let me scrape what I can & live with them until the end of July, when I can get into my own apartment. At this rate I'm never going to be ahead enough to be at ease about the $460/month that I'll have to pay for rent + car. My parents don't pay for all this shit like yours do (although they could), & while I don't blame you for it, you can perhaps understand why I am under a considerable amount of stress here. Which is really fucking ironic, considering I have literally done NOTHING workwise, with the exception of my waitress training & the one shift I've worked at AE & RT, respectively. And God knows, I am really wasted on irony.
Better yet, I ought to call my dad, transfer to the Corpus Christi AE (which would basically be a commute like the Conway-Little Rock one), work at the Beach Lodge at night, & get the hell out of this shithole, increasingly conformist, rigidly conservative place I regrettably know as my hometown. In Port Aransas at least I could be on the beach, tan, drunk, & skinnier (I'm getting fat with all this apathy--in case you didn't know, there is nothing hotter than the Delta of Arkansas, nor more infested with mosquitoes), because neither my dad nor I are big eaters, & God knows he can barely afford food anyway. Beer is his breakfast. Hell, I could just go down there & become a raging bipolar alcoholic just like my dear ole dad, it's not as if I haven't exhibited the symptoms of one of those before (hello last half of this past semester). Oh wait, if I go down there I'll have just wasted $10.80 on these Godforsaken retainers I had to put in my cartilage piercings thanks to RT's dress code. I honestly don't give a damn. I hate this place, I hate everything right now. My heart hurts so bad sometimes & the moments it doesn't I'm just so numb I can't feel a goddammed thing. I'm tired of this cycle of hope/cynicism/bitterness/recovery, this constant up & down, & don't you fucking dare tell me to go see a shrink, I'm a Psychology major & I am well aware of this. Furthermore, don't term me with the label "Psychotic" because psychosis is a break with reality, & I am experiencing neither delusions nor hallucinations of any sort. I am, however, in the midst of some bad fucking neurosis.
I look & feel like absolute shit, & consequently avoid mirrors or anything that projects another plastic, commercialized ideal of some overthin, heroin-chic Valkyrie hangover from the mid-90's.
Now I suppose the suitable outlet for my fervor would be an attempt at the only idea I've gotten for my Honors thesis. I'm highly doubtful anyone bothered to read my shitty little bitch, of which there must be an endless string since March.
Fucking
Dammit
For the third or fourth week in a row now, I am completely unscheduled at American Eagle in Jonesboro. This is getting refuckingdiculous. There's a piece of paper with my name on it that's the parody of a schedule, but for every time slot it says, "Unscheduled" the whole way down. This is pissing me off to an extent you would not believe; the first couple weeks of this understatededly frustrating inefficiency were forgivable thanks to the manager transition & the delay in getting my file up here; this time it's not. If it's some ploy to get me to quit, then I am further angered, because I am a damned good employee wherever I work, even if it's a job I hate; and if you're sitting there wondering why I don't quit, it's because I like this job, at least, I did in Little Rock where this type of bullshit did not occur. Right now I am financially poorer than I was three weeks ago, & while this is partially attributable to the fact that I've been spending what money I've gotten on some clothes & stuff (some of which has also been for workclothes at Ruby Tuesday's) like a personal road trip, all of you have been immersed in ennui enough to empathize with me for needing to get away. Furthermore, I SHOULD be getting hours up there, because I've filled out my availability on three separate occassions for three separate managers.
Right now I may as well pack my car, go back to Conway, & beg someone there to let me scrape what I can & live with them until the end of July, when I can get into my own apartment. At this rate I'm never going to be ahead enough to be at ease about the $460/month that I'll have to pay for rent + car. My parents don't pay for all this shit like yours do (although they could), & while I don't blame you for it, you can perhaps understand why I am under a considerable amount of stress here. Which is really fucking ironic, considering I have literally done NOTHING workwise, with the exception of my waitress training & the one shift I've worked at AE & RT, respectively. And God knows, I am really wasted on irony.
Better yet, I ought to call my dad, transfer to the Corpus Christi AE (which would basically be a commute like the Conway-Little Rock one), work at the Beach Lodge at night, & get the hell out of this shithole, increasingly conformist, rigidly conservative place I regrettably know as my hometown. In Port Aransas at least I could be on the beach, tan, drunk, & skinnier (I'm getting fat with all this apathy--in case you didn't know, there is nothing hotter than the Delta of Arkansas, nor more infested with mosquitoes), because neither my dad nor I are big eaters, & God knows he can barely afford food anyway. Beer is his breakfast. Hell, I could just go down there & become a raging bipolar alcoholic just like my dear ole dad, it's not as if I haven't exhibited the symptoms of one of those before (hello last half of this past semester). Oh wait, if I go down there I'll have just wasted $10.80 on these Godforsaken retainers I had to put in my cartilage piercings thanks to RT's dress code. I honestly don't give a damn. I hate this place, I hate everything right now. My heart hurts so bad sometimes & the moments it doesn't I'm just so numb I can't feel a goddammed thing. I'm tired of this cycle of hope/cynicism/bitterness/recovery, this constant up & down, & don't you fucking dare tell me to go see a shrink, I'm a Psychology major & I am well aware of this. Furthermore, don't term me with the label "Psychotic" because psychosis is a break with reality, & I am experiencing neither delusions nor hallucinations of any sort. I am, however, in the midst of some bad fucking neurosis.
I look & feel like absolute shit, & consequently avoid mirrors or anything that projects another plastic, commercialized ideal of some overthin, heroin-chic Valkyrie hangover from the mid-90's.
Now I suppose the suitable outlet for my fervor would be an attempt at the only idea I've gotten for my Honors thesis. I'm highly doubtful anyone bothered to read my shitty little bitch, of which there must be an endless string since March.