Stolen from Bekah & Claire
List up to ten (10) things you want to say to ten (10) different people. Do not state who these people are. Do not confirm or deny any 'comment speculation.'
I don't do the tagging crap. I'm doing this because it's late & I'm an insomniac with a need to purge.
****EDIT while I'm halfway through--I'm only doing 5, & maybe I'll do some more later. I've been at this for an hour********
(1) Thank you for loving me. I know you did, & I know you cared once upon a time, & for that time I am immensely grateful. There are really no words I think I could communicate that would really convey the chaos of emotions I feel when I think of you right now. You don't know how painstakingly slow I am having to take this paragraph, because I want so much to find the right words. What's absurd is the fact that I'm saying all of this to nothing, because you're probably not even reading this; as far as I know, you've forgotten my existence, forgotten everything I ever did or wanted to do for you, don't realize that tonight I might cry for the first time in weeks because of all this, because I feel like you despise me. It must be true. I pushed too hard, loved too much, gave more than I should have, & now it's all being thrown back in my face, because it was either too good or not good enough. I'll never know. It hurts, & I hate it, & I wish I could hate you, too. And you said if that's what it takes for me to cope, then I should do it, but I can't. Because I know the nature of hate, & when I want to hate you, I think back to those first days, well over a year ago now; or I think about when I got sick, & you came to take care of me; or I think about falling asleep on your couch (I did it on purpose, you know) so you'd scoop me up & put me to bed. And you, you just sit there & treat me like I'm stupid for feeling the way I do, like I'm a child because I hurt, because I've felt love & heartache in a way that's altered me forever. Not necessarily in a bad way. There will be this piece of you I'll always keep in my heart, the way I keep him in my heart also. What I did to him, you've now done to me, so I guess in God's eyes I'm even. And she DID stab me in the back. The proof is here in this journal, so the ball's in your court. Sadly, I'm afraid I know how it will all play out, but if you're the person I've always believed you to be, you'll realize things soon enough. And if not, or if you refuse to acknowledge them, then I sure wasted a hell of a lot of tears on you.
(2) I'd like to have some big balls & just call you evil, but I don't think you've deserved that adjective yet. Maybe you will one day. You certainly have pissed me off, you were just smart enough to play "friend" by assessing my state, breaking through my walls, so when you went behind my back, you'd feel OK about it. You might feel crafty, or clever, or like the victor, for hitting my weakness when I was already down. "HA!" you must say to yourself all the time. And you had the audacity to ask if you could borrow MY dress that I got specifically intended for formal. MY DRESS FOR GOD'S SAKE, & well, you just got the whole weekend I'd spent months anticipating gleefully, even after the nightmare of Spring Break. If I had let you borrow it I would have had to burn it. You & your actions make me sick.
(3) You know what? You shouldn't be #3. You deserve a higher spot on this list. So please forgive me. Even though, from the tantalizingly little I really know of you, I have a hunch you understand. You're brilliant. You're inspiring, intellectual, ingenuitive, eloquent, exciting, energetic...(and I'm running short of alliterative adjectives, but I hope those six made you smile). Because you've definetely made me smile a lot, not just in the wake of heartbreak, but just in the pleasure of spending time with you & learning who you are. It sucks that everything was just a big jumble at the end of semester. I'm sorry that I may have pushed too hard. But thank you for being so kind, caring, & conscientious. I really like you for who you are, you intrigue me so. Before there can be anything between us, there's the extraneous issues, so I understand why you're hesitant. I am, too. I can't deny that I have hope, that once we're back at school something will pick up where it was left. But if not, that's ok. Don't worry about hurting me, right now I don't think it's possible for me to know hurt like I have in the past couple months. And besides (no matter what, this is going to sound cynical, but it's not, just a reality I've acknowledged), people hurt each other without ever intending to do so. The fact that you're so incredibly intelligent & articulate is really attractive. Quite simply, you're wonderful.
(4) It might be a long time before you get to read this, but you know I love you to death. You know that time at All-State tryouts our senior year, & you cried after your tryout? I wanted to cry, too. You're probably the only person I feel that way for. I love you in a very "dearly but not queerly" way; I'm pretty sure we're friendship soulmates. We've seen each other through so much: braces, first kisses, first loves, the ridiculous social drama that is high school, weird haircuts/styles, learning to drive, our insane families, always hearing me say, "Oh my gosh, I can't believe we're [insert current age]!" since we were 14. And what I love is that even though we've gone months without seeing or talking to each other, all we have to do is be together & everything is still there. We don't have to try to be friends because we just are. When I called you over Spring Break, it was because I knew you were the only person who would know exactly what to say, you were the person I needed. And hearing you say, "Well, you are going to fall apart, and it's going to take a while. But you'll get back up." was the antidote I needed. And when you let me cry with my head in your lap, it meant so much, because you've seen me through loving somebody before, & I've seen you through loving somebody. I am so, so happy for you right now. I'm so glad to see you with someone who treats you right, who makes you happy, who takes care of you. You are also incredibly talented, & I love your work. I'm jealous that your dad gets to keep it all! You deserve so much happiness, & I'm so blessed by God to call you friend. And right now, I really want a white chocolate milkshake from The Edge.
(5) You will never read this, barring a miracle, but I feel it necessary to write anyway. I keep hoping one day we'll bump into each other, & everything (God knows there is a lot) between us will be at peace. And that we'll be able to sit down somewhere, The Edge or Craighead Forest, some old place of ours that will conjure fond memories, & our words won't seek some method of hurt, but love. I still love you, always will. Right now I want to sit somewhere with you, lay my head on your shoulder, & cry until my eyes bleed. And I want to ask you if it ever stops hurting, even though there is plenty of distraction & new affection breeding, or will that sting of sorrow always remain? I want to see you, see how you're doing, want to show you my cartilage piercings, want to show you I can drive a stick thanks to you! But most of what I want to say right now is how sorry I am; how I wish I had never put you in pain, how I wish I'd never flaunted my new life in your face like some glory, because you were weak, & I was a weaker person for doing it. I want you to know that I understand now. I'm also so sad, because you don't speak to me at all. I wanted to make you happy, but it wasn't enough for you, & I couldn't bear it anymore. More than anything, I hope you're happy. You've pulled yourself through a lot, more than many people I've known, & I've always admired you for your determination to succeed. One day I hope we'll see each other & will be able to tell you these things.
I don't do the tagging crap. I'm doing this because it's late & I'm an insomniac with a need to purge.
****EDIT while I'm halfway through--I'm only doing 5, & maybe I'll do some more later. I've been at this for an hour********
(1) Thank you for loving me. I know you did, & I know you cared once upon a time, & for that time I am immensely grateful. There are really no words I think I could communicate that would really convey the chaos of emotions I feel when I think of you right now. You don't know how painstakingly slow I am having to take this paragraph, because I want so much to find the right words. What's absurd is the fact that I'm saying all of this to nothing, because you're probably not even reading this; as far as I know, you've forgotten my existence, forgotten everything I ever did or wanted to do for you, don't realize that tonight I might cry for the first time in weeks because of all this, because I feel like you despise me. It must be true. I pushed too hard, loved too much, gave more than I should have, & now it's all being thrown back in my face, because it was either too good or not good enough. I'll never know. It hurts, & I hate it, & I wish I could hate you, too. And you said if that's what it takes for me to cope, then I should do it, but I can't. Because I know the nature of hate, & when I want to hate you, I think back to those first days, well over a year ago now; or I think about when I got sick, & you came to take care of me; or I think about falling asleep on your couch (I did it on purpose, you know) so you'd scoop me up & put me to bed. And you, you just sit there & treat me like I'm stupid for feeling the way I do, like I'm a child because I hurt, because I've felt love & heartache in a way that's altered me forever. Not necessarily in a bad way. There will be this piece of you I'll always keep in my heart, the way I keep him in my heart also. What I did to him, you've now done to me, so I guess in God's eyes I'm even. And she DID stab me in the back. The proof is here in this journal, so the ball's in your court. Sadly, I'm afraid I know how it will all play out, but if you're the person I've always believed you to be, you'll realize things soon enough. And if not, or if you refuse to acknowledge them, then I sure wasted a hell of a lot of tears on you.
(2) I'd like to have some big balls & just call you evil, but I don't think you've deserved that adjective yet. Maybe you will one day. You certainly have pissed me off, you were just smart enough to play "friend" by assessing my state, breaking through my walls, so when you went behind my back, you'd feel OK about it. You might feel crafty, or clever, or like the victor, for hitting my weakness when I was already down. "HA!" you must say to yourself all the time. And you had the audacity to ask if you could borrow MY dress that I got specifically intended for formal. MY DRESS FOR GOD'S SAKE, & well, you just got the whole weekend I'd spent months anticipating gleefully, even after the nightmare of Spring Break. If I had let you borrow it I would have had to burn it. You & your actions make me sick.
(3) You know what? You shouldn't be #3. You deserve a higher spot on this list. So please forgive me. Even though, from the tantalizingly little I really know of you, I have a hunch you understand. You're brilliant. You're inspiring, intellectual, ingenuitive, eloquent, exciting, energetic...(and I'm running short of alliterative adjectives, but I hope those six made you smile). Because you've definetely made me smile a lot, not just in the wake of heartbreak, but just in the pleasure of spending time with you & learning who you are. It sucks that everything was just a big jumble at the end of semester. I'm sorry that I may have pushed too hard. But thank you for being so kind, caring, & conscientious. I really like you for who you are, you intrigue me so. Before there can be anything between us, there's the extraneous issues, so I understand why you're hesitant. I am, too. I can't deny that I have hope, that once we're back at school something will pick up where it was left. But if not, that's ok. Don't worry about hurting me, right now I don't think it's possible for me to know hurt like I have in the past couple months. And besides (no matter what, this is going to sound cynical, but it's not, just a reality I've acknowledged), people hurt each other without ever intending to do so. The fact that you're so incredibly intelligent & articulate is really attractive. Quite simply, you're wonderful.
(4) It might be a long time before you get to read this, but you know I love you to death. You know that time at All-State tryouts our senior year, & you cried after your tryout? I wanted to cry, too. You're probably the only person I feel that way for. I love you in a very "dearly but not queerly" way; I'm pretty sure we're friendship soulmates. We've seen each other through so much: braces, first kisses, first loves, the ridiculous social drama that is high school, weird haircuts/styles, learning to drive, our insane families, always hearing me say, "Oh my gosh, I can't believe we're [insert current age]!" since we were 14. And what I love is that even though we've gone months without seeing or talking to each other, all we have to do is be together & everything is still there. We don't have to try to be friends because we just are. When I called you over Spring Break, it was because I knew you were the only person who would know exactly what to say, you were the person I needed. And hearing you say, "Well, you are going to fall apart, and it's going to take a while. But you'll get back up." was the antidote I needed. And when you let me cry with my head in your lap, it meant so much, because you've seen me through loving somebody before, & I've seen you through loving somebody. I am so, so happy for you right now. I'm so glad to see you with someone who treats you right, who makes you happy, who takes care of you. You are also incredibly talented, & I love your work. I'm jealous that your dad gets to keep it all! You deserve so much happiness, & I'm so blessed by God to call you friend. And right now, I really want a white chocolate milkshake from The Edge.
(5) You will never read this, barring a miracle, but I feel it necessary to write anyway. I keep hoping one day we'll bump into each other, & everything (God knows there is a lot) between us will be at peace. And that we'll be able to sit down somewhere, The Edge or Craighead Forest, some old place of ours that will conjure fond memories, & our words won't seek some method of hurt, but love. I still love you, always will. Right now I want to sit somewhere with you, lay my head on your shoulder, & cry until my eyes bleed. And I want to ask you if it ever stops hurting, even though there is plenty of distraction & new affection breeding, or will that sting of sorrow always remain? I want to see you, see how you're doing, want to show you my cartilage piercings, want to show you I can drive a stick thanks to you! But most of what I want to say right now is how sorry I am; how I wish I had never put you in pain, how I wish I'd never flaunted my new life in your face like some glory, because you were weak, & I was a weaker person for doing it. I want you to know that I understand now. I'm also so sad, because you don't speak to me at all. I wanted to make you happy, but it wasn't enough for you, & I couldn't bear it anymore. More than anything, I hope you're happy. You've pulled yourself through a lot, more than many people I've known, & I've always admired you for your determination to succeed. One day I hope we'll see each other & will be able to tell you these things.