Here it comes, the breakdown
We all lead such elaborate lives
To be completely forthcoming, I give thismuch of a crap about finals. That is to say, not much at all. I'm still going to study, still have a shitload to complete (especially for Honors, dear Lord), & am a tee bit concerned about my Phys Chem final (because comprehensive tests are just so fun!!) But mostly, I'm too frazzled to worry. These next four days are going to be chaotic with finals, take-home finals, catching up, my last day or two at AE in Little Rock, packing, functioning...and goodbyes.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that the first half of the semester was quite fine. We all know what the breaking point was, but I was just getting over all the crap from Fall. But before I could get it into my head that Fall could have been a lot better if I hadn't beaten myself so down on it, a part of my life I'd relied on too much was pulled out. Spring Break, what is supposed to be one of the best weeks for college students, was without a doubt the lowest point of the year. And just as I was beginning to find myself over a major hurdle, another slap in the face by the person I loved, trusted, & struggled to prove myself to. And a betrayal by one who professed friendship. With all honesty, I can't claim surprise. That doesn't really temper the anger, the hurt, the sorrow of it all.
Seems quite unbelievable to me
I don't want to live like that
But the more I ponder upon this year, the more I see the blessing in disguise. Even though, God, it hurt, hurt, hurt every inch of the way, & I know it will every time I think about it. Just the memories of it, the loss of what could have been. But you know what's been great about the past week or so? I've been able to think about all this, & not get teary. (OK, as long as I've been sober). But especially the past couple days. I feel--normal. I don't feel--Oh God, I can't live through this day/moment/scenario. Sometimes I still feel pretty pissed, but what a great moment it is to realize, I can do so much better than that. In a lot of ways, but for the sake of civility I'll remain ambiguous.
You think of me, or speak of me, and wonder what befell
That someone you once loved so long ago so well
I know the truth
Kyle hurt me a lot. I know he didn't want to. I know, deep deep down, it broke his heart. I know this because I saw it on his face, I heard it in his voice, & I know it because once I had to tell somebody the same things. And that helped me grip things. But deeper, more importantly, further, the angels that are my girlfriends, and by this I mean my real girlfriends who never doubted my strength, worth, beauty, intensity, intelligence--Lauren, Libby, Courtney, Liz, Laurie, Brittany, Jaimes, Amy L., Angela, Meghan, Christiane, Courtney F., & God knows who else--some of the guys in the fraternity like Ben, Chris, Marcus, Brett, & Tobin. My awesome coworkers at AE. And of course there have been all the people I see on campus, talk to via Internet, phone, see between class. Thanks to Daniel for being a friend first & a big enough man to not take advantage of me in vulnerability. And for being an awesome friend, period. My friends, and may I emphasize true friends, I am so grateful to you. For every tear you watched me cry, every rant you endured, for laying on the floor, for comfort, for letting me spend time with you to distract the loneliness, I have found the real value of friends, & it is priceless.
And I could write it down
nd spread it all around
Get lost and then get found
Or swallowed in the sea
This year is both very easy & very difficult to end. What's funny is that pretty much all other years of my life I've never been such an emotional wreck; I used to be fairly stoic. Perhaps some long buildup of heartache over the years finally found their release in this year, & it's taken all year to be one big catharsis from all that. That's my theory. Sometimes it just takes a big breakdown because everything needs to be restructured. You know what this means, though? I really can't wait for next year. Really, really, am genuinely happy about it. The changes in my life are for the better, or else God wouldn't work them so.
To be completely forthcoming, I give thismuch of a crap about finals. That is to say, not much at all. I'm still going to study, still have a shitload to complete (especially for Honors, dear Lord), & am a tee bit concerned about my Phys Chem final (because comprehensive tests are just so fun!!) But mostly, I'm too frazzled to worry. These next four days are going to be chaotic with finals, take-home finals, catching up, my last day or two at AE in Little Rock, packing, functioning...and goodbyes.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that the first half of the semester was quite fine. We all know what the breaking point was, but I was just getting over all the crap from Fall. But before I could get it into my head that Fall could have been a lot better if I hadn't beaten myself so down on it, a part of my life I'd relied on too much was pulled out. Spring Break, what is supposed to be one of the best weeks for college students, was without a doubt the lowest point of the year. And just as I was beginning to find myself over a major hurdle, another slap in the face by the person I loved, trusted, & struggled to prove myself to. And a betrayal by one who professed friendship. With all honesty, I can't claim surprise. That doesn't really temper the anger, the hurt, the sorrow of it all.
Seems quite unbelievable to me
I don't want to live like that
But the more I ponder upon this year, the more I see the blessing in disguise. Even though, God, it hurt, hurt, hurt every inch of the way, & I know it will every time I think about it. Just the memories of it, the loss of what could have been. But you know what's been great about the past week or so? I've been able to think about all this, & not get teary. (OK, as long as I've been sober). But especially the past couple days. I feel--normal. I don't feel--Oh God, I can't live through this day/moment/scenario. Sometimes I still feel pretty pissed, but what a great moment it is to realize, I can do so much better than that. In a lot of ways, but for the sake of civility I'll remain ambiguous.
You think of me, or speak of me, and wonder what befell
That someone you once loved so long ago so well
I know the truth
Kyle hurt me a lot. I know he didn't want to. I know, deep deep down, it broke his heart. I know this because I saw it on his face, I heard it in his voice, & I know it because once I had to tell somebody the same things. And that helped me grip things. But deeper, more importantly, further, the angels that are my girlfriends, and by this I mean my real girlfriends who never doubted my strength, worth, beauty, intensity, intelligence--Lauren, Libby, Courtney, Liz, Laurie, Brittany, Jaimes, Amy L., Angela, Meghan, Christiane, Courtney F., & God knows who else--some of the guys in the fraternity like Ben, Chris, Marcus, Brett, & Tobin. My awesome coworkers at AE. And of course there have been all the people I see on campus, talk to via Internet, phone, see between class. Thanks to Daniel for being a friend first & a big enough man to not take advantage of me in vulnerability. And for being an awesome friend, period. My friends, and may I emphasize true friends, I am so grateful to you. For every tear you watched me cry, every rant you endured, for laying on the floor, for comfort, for letting me spend time with you to distract the loneliness, I have found the real value of friends, & it is priceless.
And I could write it down
nd spread it all around
Get lost and then get found
Or swallowed in the sea
This year is both very easy & very difficult to end. What's funny is that pretty much all other years of my life I've never been such an emotional wreck; I used to be fairly stoic. Perhaps some long buildup of heartache over the years finally found their release in this year, & it's taken all year to be one big catharsis from all that. That's my theory. Sometimes it just takes a big breakdown because everything needs to be restructured. You know what this means, though? I really can't wait for next year. Really, really, am genuinely happy about it. The changes in my life are for the better, or else God wouldn't work them so.