Annie pulled back and gave Clay a look of disbelief. "You have the report, you have all my communications, you have everything you need to know what happened. Talking about it..."
She gave a shrug with a smile that wasn't humorous at all.
Clay didn't believe that for a moment, but he wasn't going to push the issue. When Annie felt comfortable telling him, she would. He was, however, going to remind her that it was okay to tell him anything she needed to.
"Remember, I get that job of listening to anything you need to tell me. You don't have to be worried about telling me, I'm not going anywhere." He smiled just a little bit, "I want to be around for a long time to see all the little things you do too."
"As my boss, you should listen. As my husband, you shouldn't have to listen. Not to that, not when it involves violence and--" Annie swallowed hard. "What did Jai say?"
Something. She just knew, all of a sudden. Clay hadn't meant to push, but his insistence meant that he knew there was something to talk about.
"He was controlling and violent. If you stayed any longer, we wouldn't be here right now."
It was simple and matter of fact, but something about Clay's expression said that he was upset she had to go through all of that, especially after the two weeks they'd had immediately preceding this mission.
"He was controlling. He wasn't violent, not until the end and yes, he would have ended things in a bad way if the op had gone on any longer." It was all said very matter-of-fact as well. "Leaving was the worst. He didn't want me to go anywhere for any amount of time, which made checking in difficult and why, toward the end, he was..." She searched for a word that was both simple and appropriate. "Bad."
Annie sighed. She didn't want Clay to be upset. It was just another op, just something that had to be done. "It's over."
"It is, and it isn't." He was stating the obvious, "It still bothers you, it's not over." He was speaking with the same kind of tone used when an older agent is trying to impart some wisdom on a younger one. "I still have nightmares about Paraguay and Guatemala. They're not as bad or as frequent as they were, but sometimes, they still scare the hell out of me."
Clay very rarely admitted to being scared about anything. This was a rare moment. With that, he decided not to put his shoes on, and sit on their bed, hoping Annie would join him.
The casual turn of conversation caused Annie to sit next to him without really thinking about it. Talking about him was easier than talking about her at the moment and she pulled her feet up onto the bed with her.
"You know that I'm always here for you, too, right?" After saying it, she turned to look at him. "You can still tell me anything, even if you think I'm a little broken now."
Sighing, she leaned into his touch, not nearly as skittish as she had been an hour previous. "I don't want to ask you because I know it's private. I know that it bothers you even now and I don't want you to have to relive those memories just to satisfy my curiosity."
"You're the only one I'd ever discuss it with at this point."
He wasn't trying to make her conversation about him, but Clay figured it might be easier if she knew she wasn't the only person who went through something like this.
"I know they hurt you and that really just doesn't sit well with me. I can't imagine what the thought of any of this does to you," she confessed. "Even though it didn't involve a lot of actual torture? The other... aspects. How can you even look at me and not see someone else anymore?"
It bothered her, it really did. Before this, she'd been happy and honeymooning. Playful. Now she just felt... "Gross. I feel dirty."
Annie pulled back and gave Clay a look of disbelief. "You have the report, you have all my communications, you have everything you need to know what happened. Talking about it..."
She gave a shrug with a smile that wasn't humorous at all.
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He really hoped Annie picked up on the difference.
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Then she sighed. "It was dirty and gritty and just messy all around, Clay. Nothing that needs to or should be talked about."
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"Remember, I get that job of listening to anything you need to tell me. You don't have to be worried about telling me, I'm not going anywhere." He smiled just a little bit, "I want to be around for a long time to see all the little things you do too."
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Something. She just knew, all of a sudden. Clay hadn't meant to push, but his insistence meant that he knew there was something to talk about.
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It was simple and matter of fact, but something about Clay's expression said that he was upset she had to go through all of that, especially after the two weeks they'd had immediately preceding this mission.
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Annie sighed. She didn't want Clay to be upset. It was just another op, just something that had to be done. "It's over."
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Clay very rarely admitted to being scared about anything. This was a rare moment. With that, he decided not to put his shoes on, and sit on their bed, hoping Annie would join him.
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"You know that I'm always here for you, too, right?" After saying it, she turned to look at him. "You can still tell me anything, even if you think I'm a little broken now."
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Clay put his arms around Annie's shoulders, "Bruises hurt for a long time, then they heal. It just takes a while."
Then he looked at Annie, "I know I can, and you can always ask me anything, even if you think it might worry or upset me. It's okay."
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Sighing, she leaned into his touch, not nearly as skittish as she had been an hour previous. "I don't want to ask you because I know it's private. I know that it bothers you even now and I don't want you to have to relive those memories just to satisfy my curiosity."
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He wasn't trying to make her conversation about him, but Clay figured it might be easier if she knew she wasn't the only person who went through something like this.
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It bothered her, it really did. Before this, she'd been happy and honeymooning. Playful. Now she just felt... "Gross. I feel dirty."
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He didn't view it as though Annie did anything wrong. She kept her promise, that's what mattered to him.
"I don't think you're dirty. I haven't thought that for a second. I know it doesn't help much with your feelings but that's the truth."
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The look in her eyes said that she wanted to believe him but her mind just couldn't get past the rest of it. "I love you for that. Thank you."
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Clay looked right at her, hoping that she understood that he was telling nothing but the truth.
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