2004

[frenziedfeline]

i figured that with the new year would bring new hope and new goals, but i feel the same. i look the same. i'm just as unhappy. thinking back on 2004, what did i do? what changed for the better? how many lives have i changed for the better? i made no difference in the world. i attempted to make nothing better but my own life and failed miserably at that. i managed to get into things that i didnt want to EVER touch. i broke hearts and screwed up love that could have been the real thing. i've lost friends and faith. i've determined that i'm depressed and that i'm self-destructive. i've come to know the REAL mary. the girl i've hidden behind plastic smiles and dirty jokes. i've come to know the ugly, angry person that lies inside of me. i've looked into my heart and explored the open cracks and battered bruises left from love that goes beyond all words. beyond all reason. i've felt that kind of love, and i've left it. i want to go back. i want to fix everything i've ever done. everything that i've screwed up with my family, friends, loves and most of all... myself. i want wish this new year brought something more but i have the feeling that its going to the same. its going to be me bitching about how i want to change and nothing ever changing. its ok. i'm dead inside....... happy new year

i'm scared. i'm scared that i'll always feel this incomplete and that i'll always be alone

el fin