moving on is cool........
until its over... then i look back and cry. not just about recent events *eh hem* you all know what i'm talking about *eh hem* but about the past in general. people ive lost, things i've said, people i've let go... some for really stupid reasons. i look back at the times i've done harm to myself and i cant help but think about how screwed up i am. i dont want pity i dont want "aww mary blah blah blah." i want to be different. i want to be better. i want to start all over again somewhere new. clean slate.. a new day... any way you phrase it, i want it. i want to leave my rep behind and i want to spologize for any harm i've done to people. i want to call old friends and say i'm sorry for any drama i may have caused. i spent so much of this past year trying to avoid drama, and in doing so, i created so much more. i ruined months of peoples lives in the process. i didnt mean to break up friendships and break hearts. but i'm a bitch. i know it, you know it.... and i joke about it but on the inside, hearing people say that stuff about me hurts. i want to be a good person and i'm not. i want to change... be less jealous and be less selfish and that cant happen until i change certain aspects of my life. i need to do some soul searching... i need to concentrate on me... and i need to let things (or people) go. i cant think of only me right now b/c other peoples lives are there to consider. so look, i'm sorry if i've ever screwed you over. i want to be different.... and i'm trying. i really hate myself right now and i have for a long time and i tend to take that out on other people. i'm very angry and have a lot of issues to work out with myself. i need to love myself... or at least have some sense of self respect before anyone can ever love me. and thats scary b/c right now all i need from other people is someone to take care of me and be my support system b/c i know i'm going to fuck up in this process of self discovery/recovery. i just need people who arent going to abandon me when things get rough. i need REAL friends... i need someone to love me, but like i said before that cant happen until i love myself. it seems like a vicious cycle that will never be resolved. goodnight