fic: You fall freestyle (2/2)
Title: You fall freestyle
Author: frenhu
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairing: Emily Prentiss/Jennifer Jareau
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: “Criminal Minds” still belongs to CBS. *sigh*
Summary: You felt like a wild animal, completely on rage, you expressions hard and grim. You were ready to protect the right to see her without any questions or raised eyebrows.
Authors Note: Yes, there will be an epilogue. And I dedicate this fic to all of the amazing people out there who I can not thank everything enough. Especially, carlyisnot , the_dark_zodiac , xixlovexgreenx , audiopineapple , sneaky_in_red , malexfaith and all those who encouraged me with their words, feedbacks and reviews whenever I posted something. It means the world to me.
A/N 2: Thanks to Carly and Cat for the beta. Read and Enjoy!
Part I
---
The constant, rhythmic sound in the room somehow tranquillizes you, even though you know you shouldn’t be here in the first place, you shouldn’t feel lucky that you are here. Still, you are.
The white, plain walls closing in on you as you look out the window in the dark, only the city’s lights are shining, here and there dancing with your skin. Your hand is on the wall, leaning heavily on it, the faint traffic noises reminding you of the outside world, thinking what happened there; you almost lost her two days ago.
It’s late now, you know that, visiting hours passed already. But nobody is daring to say to you another word about that because you made your point before, flashing your shiny badge and gun, ready to threaten the nursing staff if you have to. However, at first they just looked at you with wide eyes like they couldn’t decide if you’ve gone crazy or out of your mind. You felt like a wild animal, completely on rage, you expressions hard and grim. You were ready to protect the right to see her without any questions or raised eyebrows. If someone would have gotten in your way, you couldn’t possibly take responsible for your actions.
But then something changed. A hand on your shoulder, cold but tender. You turned and there was Hotch standing, quietly pleading with his eyes to calm you down, to take a deep breath. He didn’t say anything but his reassuring features told you what you needed to know. He will deal with them, you don’t have to take the fight. Not this time.
You are not alone.
Your tense body relaxed in an instant realizing that you need to put your energy into other things. In more important things. You have to focus, get yourself together if you want to help her in any way. As Hotch is dealing with the permissions, you take the time to sit down in the waiting area and breathe.
She will be out of ICU in hours and you can finally see her.
---
You don’t know how long you stare out the window, occasionally glancing in her direction just to check that her chest is rising up and down. Up and down. The beeping sound is not enough to hear, you have to see the little movement with your eyes to believe that she is still alive. The proof that she didn’t leave the team. She didn’t abandon you.
You’re lost in your thoughts when you hear a little whimper. You freeze but turn around immediately, searching the room with your eyes and eventually landing on her shape. Moving closer while you scan her body from toe to head on the bed, you don’t see any change but you stop in your tracks when you meet with tired and confused blue eyes. You didn’t think that you would be this relieved that she is staring back to you a few days ago.
She licks her lips, gasping and you are right beside her, taking the glass of water from the bedside table and helping her drink a little with a straw in it. She sips it gratefully and the glass is empty in a second. You take down the cold object and you stand in silence, not knowing what to say.
After a beat, she starts to speak but nothing comes out of her mouth. Her throat must hurt like hell, the green, purple and blue bruises on her neck reminding you of him. How he collapsed on the ground, lifelessly, blood soaking through his shirt from two spots.
Before she tries again, she coughs a little and then whispers. - “How long have I been here?”
“You’ve been out for two days. Your parents went home to sleep a little bit, they were here all the time, worried sick about you. Do you remember what happened?”
You see that she begins to recall the events of that day and her eyes widen almost right away as the memories come back to her.
“I…I couldn’t get him off. However I tried, I just couldn’t and I thought…”
You don’t let her finish as you take her hand, caress it and soothe her until the sobs ease down. Eventually, her breathing becomes steadier, the tears subsiding, her body not trembling anymore. You want to take her in your arms, squeeze her and hold her until she lets you but you have to remind yourself that her ribs are in pretty bad shape as well and you shouldn’t add to her injuries. She is in enough pain already.
“It was you, wasn’t it?” - you almost can’t hear her words and you wonder if you only imagined them but then she opens her mouth again with the intention to repeat the question. You don’t let her.
You look away, the wall seems more interesting now than ever. You don’t want her to know the shame you feel because you know she wouldn’t understand. You just want to forget everything and move on. To be just like it was before. Wishful thinking.
The little tap she is giving with her finger snaps you back to the moment and she is looking expectantly at you, waiting patiently for you to answer. You just don’t want to have this conversation right now.
“Emily, please.” At hearing her plead with her rusty voice, a new wave of pain stabs you ruthlessly in the heart, deeper this time, not caring about your well-being.
You stand up and move to the spot that you frequently occupied in the last two days, facing the window again, feeling her eyes burning a whole in your back. Your reflection in the window is a blur but it’s not because of any smudge on the surface; a tear tracing down on your cheek, meeting your jaw then disappearing. You can’t show your weakness so you wipe it off quickly before she realizes what’s happening in you.
A minute passes and you try to get yourself together. You battle with yourself, coursing under your breath that your compartmentalizing, now of all the time, is failing you badly.
You have to be strong for her so you shake yourself and with a sharp inhale you start.
“I should have been there sooner. I should have been with you when we went to that freaking house.” You take a deep breath in the middle of the sentence, collecting more strength for what is about to come.
“But I wasn’t and I’m not sure I can ever possibly forgive myself for that. We came very close to losing you...” - this is where your voice cracks and you can’t control your tears anymore. Your shoulders start rock while you try to hug yourself, giving little comfort with your cold hands. You quietly break down in front of her, with every little shake clearing out the stiffness from your body and mind, releasing all the worries, fears and tension that paralyzed you before.
With a blank expression you continue - “When I saw you under him, his hands on your neck, gripping hard, I lost all reason and didn’t hesitate. Didn’t even flinch. Holstered my weapon. Aimed. Shot twice. That was it.”
You only hear your name when she is calling for you the third time and you turn, glancing in her direction. You are next to her in two long strides as you take in her teary eyes, holding her hand again and mentally kicking yourself for making her feel sorry for you by breaking down right here. She doesn’t need this.
“God Emily, don’t you dare blameyourself for that! It wasn’t your fault! It was all him! Do you hear me? Em, please, listen to me! It is not your fault! I’m here, alive. You saved me!”
“Saved you?? Good Lord, JJ, you almost got killed because I was not fast enough!” You can’t stand to be near her anymore, the urge for space overwhelming you in an instant, tearing you up and you can’t push it away. You have utterly and totally lost it. You stare at each other with watery, frightened eyes while with a resigned sigh you drop your shoulders, look down and start for the door.
“Em, don’t leave me here, please. I’m…I need you.”
At this, you halt your steps once more looking up to see her, the fragile body laying there, her pleading echoing in your mind. All you want to do is to take her in with every fiber you have, accepting the need and want she desperately craves for.
But you just can’t give her now what she asks from you. “I’m sorry…I’m so sorry JJ, I-I…can’t. I have to go. I…will let your parents know that you are awake.”
With one last glance, you turn from her again and with three heavy steps you close the door behind yourself.
Author: frenhu
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairing: Emily Prentiss/Jennifer Jareau
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: “Criminal Minds” still belongs to CBS. *sigh*
Summary: You felt like a wild animal, completely on rage, you expressions hard and grim. You were ready to protect the right to see her without any questions or raised eyebrows.
Authors Note: Yes, there will be an epilogue. And I dedicate this fic to all of the amazing people out there who I can not thank everything enough. Especially, carlyisnot , the_dark_zodiac , xixlovexgreenx , audiopineapple , sneaky_in_red , malexfaith and all those who encouraged me with their words, feedbacks and reviews whenever I posted something. It means the world to me.
A/N 2: Thanks to Carly and Cat for the beta. Read and Enjoy!
Part I
---
The constant, rhythmic sound in the room somehow tranquillizes you, even though you know you shouldn’t be here in the first place, you shouldn’t feel lucky that you are here. Still, you are.
The white, plain walls closing in on you as you look out the window in the dark, only the city’s lights are shining, here and there dancing with your skin. Your hand is on the wall, leaning heavily on it, the faint traffic noises reminding you of the outside world, thinking what happened there; you almost lost her two days ago.
It’s late now, you know that, visiting hours passed already. But nobody is daring to say to you another word about that because you made your point before, flashing your shiny badge and gun, ready to threaten the nursing staff if you have to. However, at first they just looked at you with wide eyes like they couldn’t decide if you’ve gone crazy or out of your mind. You felt like a wild animal, completely on rage, you expressions hard and grim. You were ready to protect the right to see her without any questions or raised eyebrows. If someone would have gotten in your way, you couldn’t possibly take responsible for your actions.
But then something changed. A hand on your shoulder, cold but tender. You turned and there was Hotch standing, quietly pleading with his eyes to calm you down, to take a deep breath. He didn’t say anything but his reassuring features told you what you needed to know. He will deal with them, you don’t have to take the fight. Not this time.
You are not alone.
Your tense body relaxed in an instant realizing that you need to put your energy into other things. In more important things. You have to focus, get yourself together if you want to help her in any way. As Hotch is dealing with the permissions, you take the time to sit down in the waiting area and breathe.
She will be out of ICU in hours and you can finally see her.
---
You don’t know how long you stare out the window, occasionally glancing in her direction just to check that her chest is rising up and down. Up and down. The beeping sound is not enough to hear, you have to see the little movement with your eyes to believe that she is still alive. The proof that she didn’t leave the team. She didn’t abandon you.
You’re lost in your thoughts when you hear a little whimper. You freeze but turn around immediately, searching the room with your eyes and eventually landing on her shape. Moving closer while you scan her body from toe to head on the bed, you don’t see any change but you stop in your tracks when you meet with tired and confused blue eyes. You didn’t think that you would be this relieved that she is staring back to you a few days ago.
She licks her lips, gasping and you are right beside her, taking the glass of water from the bedside table and helping her drink a little with a straw in it. She sips it gratefully and the glass is empty in a second. You take down the cold object and you stand in silence, not knowing what to say.
After a beat, she starts to speak but nothing comes out of her mouth. Her throat must hurt like hell, the green, purple and blue bruises on her neck reminding you of him. How he collapsed on the ground, lifelessly, blood soaking through his shirt from two spots.
Before she tries again, she coughs a little and then whispers. - “How long have I been here?”
“You’ve been out for two days. Your parents went home to sleep a little bit, they were here all the time, worried sick about you. Do you remember what happened?”
You see that she begins to recall the events of that day and her eyes widen almost right away as the memories come back to her.
“I…I couldn’t get him off. However I tried, I just couldn’t and I thought…”
You don’t let her finish as you take her hand, caress it and soothe her until the sobs ease down. Eventually, her breathing becomes steadier, the tears subsiding, her body not trembling anymore. You want to take her in your arms, squeeze her and hold her until she lets you but you have to remind yourself that her ribs are in pretty bad shape as well and you shouldn’t add to her injuries. She is in enough pain already.
“It was you, wasn’t it?” - you almost can’t hear her words and you wonder if you only imagined them but then she opens her mouth again with the intention to repeat the question. You don’t let her.
You look away, the wall seems more interesting now than ever. You don’t want her to know the shame you feel because you know she wouldn’t understand. You just want to forget everything and move on. To be just like it was before. Wishful thinking.
The little tap she is giving with her finger snaps you back to the moment and she is looking expectantly at you, waiting patiently for you to answer. You just don’t want to have this conversation right now.
“Emily, please.” At hearing her plead with her rusty voice, a new wave of pain stabs you ruthlessly in the heart, deeper this time, not caring about your well-being.
You stand up and move to the spot that you frequently occupied in the last two days, facing the window again, feeling her eyes burning a whole in your back. Your reflection in the window is a blur but it’s not because of any smudge on the surface; a tear tracing down on your cheek, meeting your jaw then disappearing. You can’t show your weakness so you wipe it off quickly before she realizes what’s happening in you.
A minute passes and you try to get yourself together. You battle with yourself, coursing under your breath that your compartmentalizing, now of all the time, is failing you badly.
You have to be strong for her so you shake yourself and with a sharp inhale you start.
“I should have been there sooner. I should have been with you when we went to that freaking house.” You take a deep breath in the middle of the sentence, collecting more strength for what is about to come.
“But I wasn’t and I’m not sure I can ever possibly forgive myself for that. We came very close to losing you...” - this is where your voice cracks and you can’t control your tears anymore. Your shoulders start rock while you try to hug yourself, giving little comfort with your cold hands. You quietly break down in front of her, with every little shake clearing out the stiffness from your body and mind, releasing all the worries, fears and tension that paralyzed you before.
With a blank expression you continue - “When I saw you under him, his hands on your neck, gripping hard, I lost all reason and didn’t hesitate. Didn’t even flinch. Holstered my weapon. Aimed. Shot twice. That was it.”
You only hear your name when she is calling for you the third time and you turn, glancing in her direction. You are next to her in two long strides as you take in her teary eyes, holding her hand again and mentally kicking yourself for making her feel sorry for you by breaking down right here. She doesn’t need this.
“God Emily, don’t you dare blameyourself for that! It wasn’t your fault! It was all him! Do you hear me? Em, please, listen to me! It is not your fault! I’m here, alive. You saved me!”
“Saved you?? Good Lord, JJ, you almost got killed because I was not fast enough!” You can’t stand to be near her anymore, the urge for space overwhelming you in an instant, tearing you up and you can’t push it away. You have utterly and totally lost it. You stare at each other with watery, frightened eyes while with a resigned sigh you drop your shoulders, look down and start for the door.
“Em, don’t leave me here, please. I’m…I need you.”
At this, you halt your steps once more looking up to see her, the fragile body laying there, her pleading echoing in your mind. All you want to do is to take her in with every fiber you have, accepting the need and want she desperately craves for.
But you just can’t give her now what she asks from you. “I’m sorry…I’m so sorry JJ, I-I…can’t. I have to go. I…will let your parents know that you are awake.”
With one last glance, you turn from her again and with three heavy steps you close the door behind yourself.