Collision chapter 12/?
Luke felt as if all the air was knocked out of him. He shakily stood up from the bed only to sit back down again. His legs were too unsteady.
“What? Why? I don’t understand. Why would you say that?” He looked at Reid with his eyes wide and questioning. “And what do you mean, whatever it is we’re doing?”
Reid finally looked Luke straight in the eye, unwavering as he asked “What are we doing, Luke? What do you want with me? Tell me.”
Luke tried to hold Reid’s gaze, but had to tear his eyes away from the intensity .
He looked down, not sure what to say.
“I don’t know.” He said quietly.
Reid sighed in frustration and pinched the bridge of his nose. For a moment there he had hoped Luke would say what he so desperately wanted to hear; that he wanted Reid as much as Reid wanted him.
“That’s what I thought.” He said curtly as he moved to pass Luke on his way to the door.
“Reid, wait!” Luke called out. “Please, stay.” He pleaded.
Reid stopped walking but did not turn around. He just stood there, waiting for Luke to say something.
“Look, if nothing else, we’re friends, right?” Luke started cautiously.
Reid snorted and turned to face Luke. “Friends? We’re friends? I don’t know about you, but I don’t go around kissing any of my ‘friends’” He used his fingers to make air-quotes. “But what do I know? Maybe that’s just common courtesy amongst you soccer players.” He sneered.
“You know that’s not how it is and not what I meant, Reid. Stop acting like an ass.”
“Who says I’m acting? Anyway, it doesn’t matter. Since you and I have very different opinions about what a friend actually is, we should stop this. Otherwise things are going to get messy and I don’t do messy.” Reid said.
Everything within Luke screamed to not let Reid walk out the door. If he left, that was it. Luke was certain he would never get another chance. He frantically searched his brain for something to say, to argue about, but came up empty. There was only one thing left to do.
“What if…” Luke started hesitantly, “what if I don’t want to be friends?”
“Well, it seems that we’re on the same page then.” Reid said sarcastically.
“No, that came out wrong. I don’t mean…” Luke blew out a breath.
“Listen, I’m trying to tell you something. Yes, I do want to be friends, but not just friends. I want to… to…to…” He stuttered.
Reid tilted his head, trying to stomp down a little burst of hope that blossomed in his chest. He stepped closer to Luke.
“You want to…what?” He asked.
Luke shook his head and closed his eyes for a moment.
“You’re right. About the friend thing. I don’t go around kissing my friends. And that’s because my friends are just that, my friends. But with you…” Luke’s voice trailed off.
“But with me…?” Reid asked again.
Luke straightened himself up, deciding in his mind that he was going to be completely honest with Reid and with himself. He was going to put everything on the table, no matter what the outcome was, and he needed to do it now. If there was any chance of happiness in his life, he had to come clean. He was going to jump into the deep end, without knowing if he could swim.
He looked Reid straight in the eye and answered in a soft, but steady voice.
“With you, I want all of you. Not just your friendship. I want to be with you. I do.” He continued to look at Reid, gauging his reactions. “I just don’t know how.”
“You want to…be with me?” Reid couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Define ‘be with me’.” He urged Luke.
“You know what I mean, Reid.” Luke didn’t know if Reid was teasing him or if he was being serious.
But Reid was very serious. “If I knew, I wouldn’t have asked.” He took one step closer to Luke, cupped his cheek and asked again, “What do you mean by ‘being with me’?”
Luke wrapped his fingers around Reid’s wrist, keeping his hand in place, while pressing his cheek into the touch.
“I just want to be with you.” He whispered. “I think about you all the time. I know I’ve only known you for a short time, but I really like you and I can’t imagine not talking to you every day. Or not being able to touch you or kiss you.,” he rambled on. “and now, in two days, I have to leave! And I don’t, I don’t… “
“Shhh… it’s okay.” Reid tried to soothe Luke by wrapping his arms around him.
“No! It’s not okay!” Luke pushed Reid back. “You don’t understand. I’m leaving! Our first match is in Chicago and we’re leaving in two days to prepare for it.”
“So?” Reid didn’t understand. Luke had known about the team’s schedule for months. Even Reid knew when and where all of the matches would take place. “You knew that would happen, right?”
“You…you don’t care? Whether I’m here or not?” Luke asked incredulously.
Reid laughed. Short and high pitched.
“Luke, trust me, I care. But even I knew that you were going to Chicago. So I don’t understand why you act like it’s a surprise.”
Luke shook his head. “To know something and to suddenly realise it to its full extent, are two different things. And I just realised it tonight. So…”
“So… hence the freak out.” Reid completed the sentence. He felt a little smug that Luke was freaking out over not being able to see him. But if it was up to Reid, that would only be for a couple of weeks.
“Yeah, I guess.” Luke scratched the back of his head, looking up at Reid through his eyelashes.
“As I said, it’s okay.” Reid said again. “The Championships won’t last forever right? Three weeks at the most.”
Luke mumbled, “Probably not even three weeks, I don’t see us reaching the finals. But you never know.”
“Hey, that’s my team you’re talking about!” Reid warned jokingly. “Of course they’ll reach the finals. I know for a fact that the best player in the world is on that team, that’s got to count for something, right?”
That made Luke smile and Reid was happy to see it.
“The funny thing is, normally I would be all excited and ready to go to Chicago. Our first match is coming up but all I can think about is how much I want to stay here. That’s doesn’t sound very much like a dedicated team captain, does it?” Luke said with a hint of sarcasm.
Then he tilted his head and asked, “What about you? You don’t seem to mind so much that I’m packing up.”
It was the question Reid dreaded. As long as Luke was talking about his own feelings, Reid could deal with that and be supportive. But now Luke wanted to know about Reid’s feelings, which meant he had to talk about it; talk about the feelings he didn’t want to have, but that were there all the same.
“Luke, meeting you was quite an experience for me, despite the circumstances. Getting to know you was even better. I… like being around you too. So yes, I do mind that you’re going away, I’m just a little less dramatic about it.” He smiled a little at the last sentence. “But like I said, it’s not like its forever, unless you want it to be.” There, the ball was back in Luke’s corner.
Luke was smiling all through Reid’s admission, but his smile quickly disappeared at the end.
Reid was right. They could see each other again after the Championships; it didn’t have to end here. But that also meant that Luke had to make a decision about how he wanted to live his life. And he was not ready to do that right now. Yes, he liked Reid. Hell, he wanted Reid. His body and soul reacted so strong to the man standing before him. And inside this room he wanted nothing more than to give in to these impulses. But the world outside this room was another thing.
“Reid, what do you want me to say? I told you before; I’m not going to be out and proud by tomorrow. I can’t.” Luke sighed in exasperation.
Now Reid was getting aggravated. “Then what’s all this talk about feelings and shit good for? If it leads to nothing, then why bother? That is exactly why I told you we should stop this. It leads nowhere. You are clearly unwilling to leave that comfortable closet you are in. And I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be an onlooker to that. For fuck’s sake Luke, life is too damn short. Do what makes you happy!” His voice that raised during his speech became soft and urging at the last words.
“Soccer makes me happy.” Luke answered, keeping his eyes stubbornly focused on the window.
“Really? Because just a few minutes ago, you were telling me that you didn’t even care about going to Chicago, that you wanted to stay here.” Reid challenged Luke to deny it.
Luke walked away from Reid, across the room and came to a stop at the window. He looked out over the city and at the sky before answering. His thoughts were racing inside his head and it was hard for Luke to express what was going on inside him.
“I know what I said and it is still true. And it is also true that soccer makes me happy. It has always been the most important thing in my life. The only thing that was constant, that was always there. The only thing I could depend on. What if I do what you want me to do and it means that I have to give up soccer? I don’t even know who I am if not a soccer player.”
Reid’s voice came from the other side of the room:
“You’re not only a soccer player, you’re also a good man, Luke. No, you’re a great man. And I didn’t mean that you have to do what I want. You have to do what makes you happy, because all I want for you is to be happy. Be happy in every aspect of your life, or at least in the parts you can control. Be happy in your professional life, but also in your personal life. That’s what I want. And I don’t think that hiding who you really are is making you very happy, is it?”
It became harder for Luke to distinguish anything outside because his eyes threatened to spill over with tears that were suddenly there. He couldn’t answer Reid’s question; he didn’t trust his voice.
He felt Reid coming to stand behind him, his hands closing around Luke’s upper arms.
With his voice all weird and wobbly, he choked out, “it’s just so hard, so hard...”
He finally turned around, buried his head in the crook of Reid’s neck and let it out; his grief, his loneliness, his struggle and his fears. Reid wrapped his arms around him and held him, making soothing and comforting noises. He stroked Luke’s back with one hand and placed one hand on the back of Luke’s head, burying his fingers in Luke’s hair.
Luke moved his arms that were hanging limply beside his body and placed his hands on Reid’s waist.
After a while he calmed down and was just sniffing against Reid’s shoulder.
“I’m sorry.” He mumbled.
Reid just held him tighter. “There’s nothing to apologise for, Luke. I know it’s hard. It was hard for me and I have a very supportive family who doesn’t care about my sexuality.
I think you have every right to be scared. But I also think you have to decide what it is you really want.” He spoke softly with his lips in Luke’s hair. “If you want me to, I will help you. From now on you will always have someone in your corner, Luke. Don’t ever doubt that.”
Luke pulled back a little so he could look into Reid’s eyes. “Really?”
Reid held his gaze and nodded, “Really”, before bending his head and giving Luke the softest of kisses.
Luke felt encouraged and strengthened by the tenderness and sincerity of it. He sighed when Reid pulled his lips away and Luke let his forehead rest against Reid’s.
“I know you’re right. I have some decisions and choices to make. And I’m not making excuses, but it isn’t the best time right now. I want the Championships to be over first and then I have two months off. It will give me time to think about everything.” He saw Reid frowning and said, “What? Don’t you believe me?”
Reid hesitated before answering. He believed that Luke intended to hold himself to what he was saying, but he was used to dealing with things right away. The rip-off-the-Band-Aid-at-once-method had always worked well for him. But maybe Luke had a point here. He did have a responsibility towards the team. And what was a few more months anyway?
“No, that’s not it. You have to do things your way, I understand.
“Okay. And I am going to take you up on your offer. I want you to help me. I need you to help me. Are you up for it?” He asked, smiling a small smile, eyes determined and hopeful.
“You bet your ass I am.” Reid groaned before leaning in and capturing Luke’s lips between his own. Luke instantly wrapped his arms around Reid, pressing himself up against him. He opened his mouth, seeking Reid’s tongue and deepened the kiss. They kissed passionately, filling the room with wet sounds and soft moans. Finally Luke pulled back, ran his hands down Reid’s arms and linked their fingers together.
“I am exhausted.” He looked at Reid. “I have training early tomorrow morning.”
“Yeah, okay. I’m gonna go.” Reid said, bringing their linked hands up to his mouth and pressed a kiss on Luke’s hand.
Luke looked at him shyly, his cheeks flushed. “Unless you’d rather stay?”
*
A/N: Sorry if you were expecting major angst... ;-).