(no subject)
I was going to get rid of my old computer in favor of my new laptop, but I've realized that I want them both. I'm actually scared (I'm at my desktop right now) that my desktop works better than my laptop. The screen is bigger, the keyboard is more familiar, the speakers are 39087234987x better. This is a dilemma, because I promised my laptop to my dad.
I just had an excellent, resume-building volunteer opportunity drop in my lap, and I'm such a self-sabotager that I haven't emailed the guy back yet. He doesn't know that I'm home from my spring break vacation, so I'm using that as my "excuse". I have also come up with thousands of other reasons: it's past office hours, the mobile phone isn't charged so I would have to talk to him in the kitchen where my whole family could listen in. The internet on my laptop is being weird; I don't want to write this email on my old computer. The reality is that I'm terrified that I'm going to fuck this up--that even though he has already given me the opportunity, he won't want to talk to me anymore after he hears my voice, my high-pitched drone that I'm so self-conscious about, that I'm sure will somehow convince this man who has already chosen me to go back on his word and toss me out.
And part of me wonders if he will hear how raw and open I am about this job. How much I really, really fuckin want it. I wonder if he can hear in my voice that I love American Kestrels, that I will spend hours up in the trees with them, that his #1 worry should be getting me off the ladder without a little nestling cupped close to my chest.
And yet another part of me wonders if this is my first baby step off the Road to Being a Doctor, and toward wildlife biology. I am going to be a poor researcher for the rest of my life, I can feel it in my bones.
I just had an excellent, resume-building volunteer opportunity drop in my lap, and I'm such a self-sabotager that I haven't emailed the guy back yet. He doesn't know that I'm home from my spring break vacation, so I'm using that as my "excuse". I have also come up with thousands of other reasons: it's past office hours, the mobile phone isn't charged so I would have to talk to him in the kitchen where my whole family could listen in. The internet on my laptop is being weird; I don't want to write this email on my old computer. The reality is that I'm terrified that I'm going to fuck this up--that even though he has already given me the opportunity, he won't want to talk to me anymore after he hears my voice, my high-pitched drone that I'm so self-conscious about, that I'm sure will somehow convince this man who has already chosen me to go back on his word and toss me out.
And part of me wonders if he will hear how raw and open I am about this job. How much I really, really fuckin want it. I wonder if he can hear in my voice that I love American Kestrels, that I will spend hours up in the trees with them, that his #1 worry should be getting me off the ladder without a little nestling cupped close to my chest.
And yet another part of me wonders if this is my first baby step off the Road to Being a Doctor, and toward wildlife biology. I am going to be a poor researcher for the rest of my life, I can feel it in my bones.