(no subject)
Yeah, so about living on my own:
It's both harder and easier than I imagined. On one hand, I've done my own laundry for the past few years. I've cooked for myself since the beginning of college (bar a few meals) and no one has picked up after me since--well, I can't even remember that. I've never had a curfew and my parents have always trusted me, so it's not like I've gained any more freedom and independence. If I do get truly overwhelmed, I'm maybe eight minutes away from home.
On the other hand, living with other people sucks. I am living with two girls from my sorority. They are best friends, so they gang up on me in small ways. For instance, I share a bathroom with one of them, and she has a little shower shelf that hangs on the shower head. However, the way one of the shelves is positioned angles the shower head up a little, and renders it immobile. It's not a big deal for her because she's tall, but I have to stand all the way in the back of the shower for the water to hit me. The shower also doesn't have the best water pressure in the world, so I like to take it down from the wall to wash all the soap off of me, but the shelf makes it very difficult (and life threatening, when the tub is wet and slippery) to do so.
I talked to the girl about it and she got very affronted. We are at an impasse: I can't shower with it on the wall and she's unwilling to find another shelf. Who wins? She does, because she ganged up on me about it with the other roommate.
I want to be able to coexist with these people so fuckin bad. They are perfectly nice. I have kept myself out of their drama. But how do I ask for (and get) what I want? It's not particularly necessary, but it's something that makes my life more manageable. I don't see the point of keeping an empty shower shelf in the shower! I have wracked my brain to come up with alternative options and she's shot them all down. I feel like I am invisible, or that I lack some kind of certain diplomatic skill, or that I am back in first grade begging to be let up from the mud where some little bully held me. It wasn't necessary; I wasn't going to die in the mud. I just wanted out. I wanted to be treated with respect. I wanted to be considered. I am sick of being unheard.
I think this is why I absolutely hate "wrestling" with Scott. I am beaten before I begin. We both know it, we both know that he can contain all my fury and anger and best shots in one hand. Sometimes I think he likes setting me up to fail, likes making me eat dirt and remember that I am small and weak, and sometimes I think he just doesn't understand the significance of losing every time, of fighting this battle again and again with the same outcome, same odds. And whenever he grabs my arms, I fight again. It's instinct and pride for me; it's just rough housing for Scott.
I wonder if the world would collapse if I won, if I pinned Scott and my roommate took the shelves out of the shower, if I'd reared up out of the mud and shouted "FUCK YOU" to that fucking little bully. If we'd all get sucked toward the center of some giant screen, disappear with a Pop! leaving behind only blackness.
It's both harder and easier than I imagined. On one hand, I've done my own laundry for the past few years. I've cooked for myself since the beginning of college (bar a few meals) and no one has picked up after me since--well, I can't even remember that. I've never had a curfew and my parents have always trusted me, so it's not like I've gained any more freedom and independence. If I do get truly overwhelmed, I'm maybe eight minutes away from home.
On the other hand, living with other people sucks. I am living with two girls from my sorority. They are best friends, so they gang up on me in small ways. For instance, I share a bathroom with one of them, and she has a little shower shelf that hangs on the shower head. However, the way one of the shelves is positioned angles the shower head up a little, and renders it immobile. It's not a big deal for her because she's tall, but I have to stand all the way in the back of the shower for the water to hit me. The shower also doesn't have the best water pressure in the world, so I like to take it down from the wall to wash all the soap off of me, but the shelf makes it very difficult (and life threatening, when the tub is wet and slippery) to do so.
I talked to the girl about it and she got very affronted. We are at an impasse: I can't shower with it on the wall and she's unwilling to find another shelf. Who wins? She does, because she ganged up on me about it with the other roommate.
I want to be able to coexist with these people so fuckin bad. They are perfectly nice. I have kept myself out of their drama. But how do I ask for (and get) what I want? It's not particularly necessary, but it's something that makes my life more manageable. I don't see the point of keeping an empty shower shelf in the shower! I have wracked my brain to come up with alternative options and she's shot them all down. I feel like I am invisible, or that I lack some kind of certain diplomatic skill, or that I am back in first grade begging to be let up from the mud where some little bully held me. It wasn't necessary; I wasn't going to die in the mud. I just wanted out. I wanted to be treated with respect. I wanted to be considered. I am sick of being unheard.
I think this is why I absolutely hate "wrestling" with Scott. I am beaten before I begin. We both know it, we both know that he can contain all my fury and anger and best shots in one hand. Sometimes I think he likes setting me up to fail, likes making me eat dirt and remember that I am small and weak, and sometimes I think he just doesn't understand the significance of losing every time, of fighting this battle again and again with the same outcome, same odds. And whenever he grabs my arms, I fight again. It's instinct and pride for me; it's just rough housing for Scott.
I wonder if the world would collapse if I won, if I pinned Scott and my roommate took the shelves out of the shower, if I'd reared up out of the mud and shouted "FUCK YOU" to that fucking little bully. If we'd all get sucked toward the center of some giant screen, disappear with a Pop! leaving behind only blackness.