(no subject)
so i'm sitting in the library all depressed like when Altercation starts asking me questions about what i want to tranifest in my life and i'm like, i want to transition, i want this i want that, and suddenly he and John start asking me about romance, which i didn't really list. i realize these two cats are after my goods and they want to know the truth about my cookies. like what do i want. trust me it was a tough question...
my first answer was that someone would come here and they would be weirded the fuck out. they would be sketchy as fuck and trying to figure out what the hell was going on. they would probably just up and leave, too, rather than act entitled to the space and start taking privilege wherever they could. the people i want to meet are not about to come here. but let's say they did, this crusty cute traveling kid. i said he would get the fuck out of here and take me with them, throw me in the trunk of their car and drive away. maybe every once in awhile pull over and beat on me and cuddle.
but now i'm trying to think about it... because that answer just didn't seem right. i mean, yeah, i am all for a partner who is interested in bdsm. right now , i am on that trannel a little too hard and without any of the benefits. it's all in my head and no one to play it out with. and i'm seeing it more and more each year how the dom/sub dynamic plays out in my life with all this unexpressed sexual energy.
my samhain intention this year is to strengthen my boundaries. something tells me i lost a lot of time in my fucked up attempts at fuck... picked up some bad habits and never learned the habits that keep me alive and surviving. when i say boundaries on love... like i don't even know where the fuck to start. i know what my deal breakers are when it comes to navigating commitment... but all this beginning a life together crap is confusing as hell. that's what i'd like to look at it as... beginning a life together. in any friendship, going into that relationship with the knowledge that we don't know what's going to happen.. i mean, what do you do?
my focus is going to keep being me for awhile. there is so much i am working through that i have a hard time believing i'll actually find movement. but i do not want to give up on myself.
my first answer was that someone would come here and they would be weirded the fuck out. they would be sketchy as fuck and trying to figure out what the hell was going on. they would probably just up and leave, too, rather than act entitled to the space and start taking privilege wherever they could. the people i want to meet are not about to come here. but let's say they did, this crusty cute traveling kid. i said he would get the fuck out of here and take me with them, throw me in the trunk of their car and drive away. maybe every once in awhile pull over and beat on me and cuddle.
but now i'm trying to think about it... because that answer just didn't seem right. i mean, yeah, i am all for a partner who is interested in bdsm. right now , i am on that trannel a little too hard and without any of the benefits. it's all in my head and no one to play it out with. and i'm seeing it more and more each year how the dom/sub dynamic plays out in my life with all this unexpressed sexual energy.
my samhain intention this year is to strengthen my boundaries. something tells me i lost a lot of time in my fucked up attempts at fuck... picked up some bad habits and never learned the habits that keep me alive and surviving. when i say boundaries on love... like i don't even know where the fuck to start. i know what my deal breakers are when it comes to navigating commitment... but all this beginning a life together crap is confusing as hell. that's what i'd like to look at it as... beginning a life together. in any friendship, going into that relationship with the knowledge that we don't know what's going to happen.. i mean, what do you do?
my focus is going to keep being me for awhile. there is so much i am working through that i have a hard time believing i'll actually find movement. but i do not want to give up on myself.