(no subject)
Things i have learned since my recovery:
1. if you are angry, depressed and/or generally unhappy with life, it's because you're trying to control things you can't. once you realize things are the way they are just 'cuz and there is little you can do to change it, it's easier to move on. And let go. For example: if you're friend or parent is difficult - it's not because of you or specifically to hurt you. they're just difficult. to everyone. so let them be difficult even if they say hurtful things to you. it screws up their own life much more than it can screw yours. laugh. that'll piss 'em off!
2. our parents - the boomers and before - suck at raising emotionally healthy kids. the world centered around them their entire lives so they're spoiled. generally (of course) - their relationships are superficial because they never had to compromise. so they move from friend to friend, marriage to marriage, career to career, cuz they can't see the flaws in themselves that make them unhappy where ever they go. they've never understood community or family and they're lonely. so naturally their kids are isolated and lonely, too.
3. everyone on this planet has one virtue. when you meet an asshole, it's fun to try to find it. if you can follow #1.....which is hard.
4. stop taking it all personally. the idiot in the BMW didn't cut you off cuz he's out to get you... and even if he did it cuz he's a rich asshole who gets away with more than you can, who cares. quit trying to control an asshole. i guess this is where you hafta believe in karma.
5. a good goal in life is not to change the world cuz of #1. but our parents taught us this cuz of #2. change your own world - and you help change the rest of it along the way. being nice to people influences them to be nice to a third person and the trend passes on... and buying organic means more organic is grown as demand increases. and not eating junk food means a lower income and perhaps a bankrupt mcdonalds in your neighbourhood. and this way you're not depressed 'cuz you didn't become prime minister or famous or whatever you dreamed of as a kid.
6. living day to day is the only way to truly appreciate the wonders in your own life. stop thinking about what you don't own, or the friends you don't have, or the work you still have to do. take 1 minute every day to think about the things you earned all by yourself and pat yourself on the back for the little successes. like: the party you were invited to last week, or the business deal you just closed, or the new paint on your walls. *you* did that.
7. wanting things (physical or emotional) is OK. you have a right to ask. you just might not have the right to get it. but you'll never know unless you ask. and you hafta be willing to hear why you can't have it - or how you can earn it later.
8. you don't have to fix it right now. as a matter of fact. if you *really* feel like you should pick up the phone *right now* to settle the issue or yell someone....stop. sleep on it. and then sleep on it again...and again. when you're no longer angry, just concerned to fix the problem, then call. sometimes its already worked itself out. other times you've figured out why you're so upset and can focus on the real problem rather than just venting. and get more accomplished.
9. Before you dump someone, think hard about why the conduct is completely unacceptable in your relationship. sometimes whatever you thought you couldn't live with, you can -if you get something equally valueable in return. this is true compromise.
10. if the conduct is a true "deal breaker", and you can't compromise set boundaries and don't budge. you teach others how to treat you. and they'll compromise to maintain the relationship if they truly value you.
11. the definition of immaturity is not being able to take responsibility for your own actions.
12. say "i'm sorry" alot. and be sincere. even if you didn't do what you're accused of, apologizing doesn't hurt you and it makes the other person feel better and strengthens the relationshiop. even if they *know* you didn't do it, a sincere apology will make them feel loved cuz you've let go of your pride to make them feel better. you lose a small batter and win the war of a great relationship.
13. just cuz you have bad traits or habits or behaviours, doesn't mean you are a bad *person*. it means you have work to do to improve yourself. and who - other than jesus and buddha - doesn't? let go of your pride and watch your own actions. then *laugh* when you see your own absurd conduct. and stop and apologize when you recognize it. even if it's cuz you're being wimpy. stop and say "i'm sorry, i'm being too conciliatory and you're not getting my meaning. THIS is what i need/want and THIS is why and now let's talk about what you can do to meet that need."
There. it helps me. a bit of buddhism, i guess - the letting go of control stuff especially. and i practice every day. which is why you practice a religion - cuz it has tenets that are hard to follow. which is why i've now rejected the idea of constructing your own religion that "feels" right for you.
that's not the point of spirituality. the point of spirituality is to strive to improve the self by confronting your pride and trying to slowly change your bad traits. even when it hurts ... especially when it hurts.
1. if you are angry, depressed and/or generally unhappy with life, it's because you're trying to control things you can't. once you realize things are the way they are just 'cuz and there is little you can do to change it, it's easier to move on. And let go. For example: if you're friend or parent is difficult - it's not because of you or specifically to hurt you. they're just difficult. to everyone. so let them be difficult even if they say hurtful things to you. it screws up their own life much more than it can screw yours. laugh. that'll piss 'em off!
2. our parents - the boomers and before - suck at raising emotionally healthy kids. the world centered around them their entire lives so they're spoiled. generally (of course) - their relationships are superficial because they never had to compromise. so they move from friend to friend, marriage to marriage, career to career, cuz they can't see the flaws in themselves that make them unhappy where ever they go. they've never understood community or family and they're lonely. so naturally their kids are isolated and lonely, too.
3. everyone on this planet has one virtue. when you meet an asshole, it's fun to try to find it. if you can follow #1.....which is hard.
4. stop taking it all personally. the idiot in the BMW didn't cut you off cuz he's out to get you... and even if he did it cuz he's a rich asshole who gets away with more than you can, who cares. quit trying to control an asshole. i guess this is where you hafta believe in karma.
5. a good goal in life is not to change the world cuz of #1. but our parents taught us this cuz of #2. change your own world - and you help change the rest of it along the way. being nice to people influences them to be nice to a third person and the trend passes on... and buying organic means more organic is grown as demand increases. and not eating junk food means a lower income and perhaps a bankrupt mcdonalds in your neighbourhood. and this way you're not depressed 'cuz you didn't become prime minister or famous or whatever you dreamed of as a kid.
6. living day to day is the only way to truly appreciate the wonders in your own life. stop thinking about what you don't own, or the friends you don't have, or the work you still have to do. take 1 minute every day to think about the things you earned all by yourself and pat yourself on the back for the little successes. like: the party you were invited to last week, or the business deal you just closed, or the new paint on your walls. *you* did that.
7. wanting things (physical or emotional) is OK. you have a right to ask. you just might not have the right to get it. but you'll never know unless you ask. and you hafta be willing to hear why you can't have it - or how you can earn it later.
8. you don't have to fix it right now. as a matter of fact. if you *really* feel like you should pick up the phone *right now* to settle the issue or yell someone....stop. sleep on it. and then sleep on it again...and again. when you're no longer angry, just concerned to fix the problem, then call. sometimes its already worked itself out. other times you've figured out why you're so upset and can focus on the real problem rather than just venting. and get more accomplished.
9. Before you dump someone, think hard about why the conduct is completely unacceptable in your relationship. sometimes whatever you thought you couldn't live with, you can -if you get something equally valueable in return. this is true compromise.
10. if the conduct is a true "deal breaker", and you can't compromise set boundaries and don't budge. you teach others how to treat you. and they'll compromise to maintain the relationship if they truly value you.
11. the definition of immaturity is not being able to take responsibility for your own actions.
12. say "i'm sorry" alot. and be sincere. even if you didn't do what you're accused of, apologizing doesn't hurt you and it makes the other person feel better and strengthens the relationshiop. even if they *know* you didn't do it, a sincere apology will make them feel loved cuz you've let go of your pride to make them feel better. you lose a small batter and win the war of a great relationship.
13. just cuz you have bad traits or habits or behaviours, doesn't mean you are a bad *person*. it means you have work to do to improve yourself. and who - other than jesus and buddha - doesn't? let go of your pride and watch your own actions. then *laugh* when you see your own absurd conduct. and stop and apologize when you recognize it. even if it's cuz you're being wimpy. stop and say "i'm sorry, i'm being too conciliatory and you're not getting my meaning. THIS is what i need/want and THIS is why and now let's talk about what you can do to meet that need."
There. it helps me. a bit of buddhism, i guess - the letting go of control stuff especially. and i practice every day. which is why you practice a religion - cuz it has tenets that are hard to follow. which is why i've now rejected the idea of constructing your own religion that "feels" right for you.
that's not the point of spirituality. the point of spirituality is to strive to improve the self by confronting your pride and trying to slowly change your bad traits. even when it hurts ... especially when it hurts.