How shit in a box relates to the ten commandments, by Marie.
My wonderful sister, Marie, wrote this in her live journal and I just about peed myself silly. It's funny and it's quite true. So I'm reposting her wise words because I think they're wonderful and hysterical. I beg you to read on but be warned, you will laugh...alot.
So, without further ado, I give you How Shit in a Box Relates to the Ten Commandments, by Marie.
Sometimes my brain works in such a way as to bring two opposing ideas together in such a way that illuminates them both.
In this instance, I was reminded how shit in a box can teach us a little about the ten commandments. Oh yes! If you don't like the word shit, then please read no further. And if you're not in the mood be a little lighthearted ...well, don't read further either.
Follow me here.
Today I was reminescing about college, Hendrix College to be exact, and I recalled one particular time when I was on duty (at least I think I was on duty) after a huge Martin Hall party.
Think a combination of Animal House, a swinging kegger, and a general loss of body functions, and you get a rough idea of the party in question. This may or may not have been the same party when a student was accosted for rolling not one but THREE kegs down the stairs. Not because he shouldn't have had the kegs, but because he woke the resident assistant on duty and damaged the stairs. "But it was so much easier to roll them down!" True. Resident Assistants at the time didn't do much more than simply try to reign in the chaos, keep people from choking on vomit, and generally limiting the insanity to that which could be cleaned up or at least painted over. Eventually. Frankly though the smell of human urine is hard to cover up, no matter how much lemon scented cleaner you use.
On this particular night I walked the hall at about 2am with another RA, when we came upon an intersting spectacle in the middle of the hall. There was a medium sized brown cardboard box facedown on the floor, it's flaps against the tile and a note pinned to the top.
"DO NOT LIFT BOX. SHIT UNDER BOX'.
Naturally, we looked at one another, looked at the box. Looked around for a culprit--none to be found. Guilt? Prank? Unconscious?What were we to do? Well we lifted the box. And what do you think was under that box?
shit.
Clearly labeled, a rather large and well formed turd right there on the floor. Labeled, covered and forewarning all who might think to look under the box, was a big piece of poo.
Again, naturally, we hollered, threw the box back over the shit, and generally made a lot of noise that involved getting other people to read the note and discover the shit for themselves. It wasn't enough that the shit was covered, labeled and had many witnesses to attest that it was in fact shit in the box. NO. Everyone needed to know for themselves. And the best part? We didn't clean it up. Left it for the janitor in the morning. Because the box did warn us not to lift it. So, once we knew what was under there (hey, shit!) we mostly left it alone.
And for some very strange reason, this reminded me somehow of the ten commandments. I can make no apologies for the twists my mind makes; I think it was partially my cousin Caroline's fault, as we were trying (poorly) to name them all at my brother's rehearsal dinner. I can't remember why, but I do recall that it was embarassing when we could only get 7 out of 10 the first time.
HOW, you may ask yourself, does shit in a box have anything to do with the commandments? Well, I'll tell you. They are like the warning note pinned to the box:
"DO NOT DO THESE THINGS. THEY ARE SHIT IN A BOX"
As a paraphrase...
1) Yo, kids, really, I'm the man. Don't go tripping after those other fools. They're shit in a box.
2) Don't make some silly-ass idols or pictures or dream up things that will take my place. They aren't me. They're as good as shit in a box.
3) If you make fun of my name, or use it lightly, man that's majorly irritating. It's like finding shit in a box, and I don't play that way.
4) Why don't you take a day off? One day out of seven! Just rest! I'm telling you to cool it! It's like...a commandment! Overworking (that would be working on a sunday, or saturday, I'm not sure I care which day, why don't you argue about it among yourselves) is shitting on yourselves, then putting a box over it and pretending it didn't happen.
5) Be nice to your mom and dad. I can guarantee that at one point you DID shit in a box and NO ONE left THEM a note warning them about it. Give them props, they did you a lot of good.
6) THOU SHALT NOT MURDER. Or just don't kill. Just don't. It's pretty clear. Murder is shit in a box, this is your warning.
7) Don't commit adultery...no hanky panky after marriage because that was CLEARLY a part of the vows. Cheating on your spouse is shitting all over their box, and even if you leave a note it is still so INCREDIBLY uncool that ...well, I guess it's a commandment not to do it.
8) Don't steal. You might think that this would be taking the shit under the box, but actually it's taking something someone values and replacing it with shit in a box, maybe leaving a note, but more importantly just leaving them with shit metaphorical-or-not.
9) Don't "bear false witness". Don't lie, obfuscate, gossip, or say stuff that just ain't true! At least you can honestly label the shit in the box. So don't write a note that says "LIFT BOX. CANDY UNDER BOX" or "DON'T LIFT BOX. DIAMONDS UNDER BOX" because if it's still shit in the box, someone's gonna notice.
10) and don't covet your neighbors shit. Not their wife, house, stuff, kids, job--because that sort of thinking is very self destructive, man. It'd be like taking the shit out of your neighbors toilet and labeling it "MY SHIT IN BOX", it's all kinds of wrong. Not your shit, why is it in a box in the first place, don't you have your own shit to deal with? Because trust me, their shit doesn't smell any better. Best just leave it alone.
I guess when all that is done, I'm thinking of those commandments as not so much a list of things not to do, but a warning of things hidden. And it's a list of stuff that happens with suprising regularity, a real laundry list of unfortunate mistakes humanity tends to make. Even more unfortunately, you're probably going to do many of them anyway, but you were warned: there is shit under that box. Don't lift it.
So, without further ado, I give you How Shit in a Box Relates to the Ten Commandments, by Marie.
Sometimes my brain works in such a way as to bring two opposing ideas together in such a way that illuminates them both.
In this instance, I was reminded how shit in a box can teach us a little about the ten commandments. Oh yes! If you don't like the word shit, then please read no further. And if you're not in the mood be a little lighthearted ...well, don't read further either.
Follow me here.
Today I was reminescing about college, Hendrix College to be exact, and I recalled one particular time when I was on duty (at least I think I was on duty) after a huge Martin Hall party.
Think a combination of Animal House, a swinging kegger, and a general loss of body functions, and you get a rough idea of the party in question. This may or may not have been the same party when a student was accosted for rolling not one but THREE kegs down the stairs. Not because he shouldn't have had the kegs, but because he woke the resident assistant on duty and damaged the stairs. "But it was so much easier to roll them down!" True. Resident Assistants at the time didn't do much more than simply try to reign in the chaos, keep people from choking on vomit, and generally limiting the insanity to that which could be cleaned up or at least painted over. Eventually. Frankly though the smell of human urine is hard to cover up, no matter how much lemon scented cleaner you use.
On this particular night I walked the hall at about 2am with another RA, when we came upon an intersting spectacle in the middle of the hall. There was a medium sized brown cardboard box facedown on the floor, it's flaps against the tile and a note pinned to the top.
"DO NOT LIFT BOX. SHIT UNDER BOX'.
Naturally, we looked at one another, looked at the box. Looked around for a culprit--none to be found. Guilt? Prank? Unconscious?What were we to do? Well we lifted the box. And what do you think was under that box?
shit.
Clearly labeled, a rather large and well formed turd right there on the floor. Labeled, covered and forewarning all who might think to look under the box, was a big piece of poo.
Again, naturally, we hollered, threw the box back over the shit, and generally made a lot of noise that involved getting other people to read the note and discover the shit for themselves. It wasn't enough that the shit was covered, labeled and had many witnesses to attest that it was in fact shit in the box. NO. Everyone needed to know for themselves. And the best part? We didn't clean it up. Left it for the janitor in the morning. Because the box did warn us not to lift it. So, once we knew what was under there (hey, shit!) we mostly left it alone.
And for some very strange reason, this reminded me somehow of the ten commandments. I can make no apologies for the twists my mind makes; I think it was partially my cousin Caroline's fault, as we were trying (poorly) to name them all at my brother's rehearsal dinner. I can't remember why, but I do recall that it was embarassing when we could only get 7 out of 10 the first time.
HOW, you may ask yourself, does shit in a box have anything to do with the commandments? Well, I'll tell you. They are like the warning note pinned to the box:
"DO NOT DO THESE THINGS. THEY ARE SHIT IN A BOX"
As a paraphrase...
1) Yo, kids, really, I'm the man. Don't go tripping after those other fools. They're shit in a box.
2) Don't make some silly-ass idols or pictures or dream up things that will take my place. They aren't me. They're as good as shit in a box.
3) If you make fun of my name, or use it lightly, man that's majorly irritating. It's like finding shit in a box, and I don't play that way.
4) Why don't you take a day off? One day out of seven! Just rest! I'm telling you to cool it! It's like...a commandment! Overworking (that would be working on a sunday, or saturday, I'm not sure I care which day, why don't you argue about it among yourselves) is shitting on yourselves, then putting a box over it and pretending it didn't happen.
5) Be nice to your mom and dad. I can guarantee that at one point you DID shit in a box and NO ONE left THEM a note warning them about it. Give them props, they did you a lot of good.
6) THOU SHALT NOT MURDER. Or just don't kill. Just don't. It's pretty clear. Murder is shit in a box, this is your warning.
7) Don't commit adultery...no hanky panky after marriage because that was CLEARLY a part of the vows. Cheating on your spouse is shitting all over their box, and even if you leave a note it is still so INCREDIBLY uncool that ...well, I guess it's a commandment not to do it.
8) Don't steal. You might think that this would be taking the shit under the box, but actually it's taking something someone values and replacing it with shit in a box, maybe leaving a note, but more importantly just leaving them with shit metaphorical-or-not.
9) Don't "bear false witness". Don't lie, obfuscate, gossip, or say stuff that just ain't true! At least you can honestly label the shit in the box. So don't write a note that says "LIFT BOX. CANDY UNDER BOX" or "DON'T LIFT BOX. DIAMONDS UNDER BOX" because if it's still shit in the box, someone's gonna notice.
10) and don't covet your neighbors shit. Not their wife, house, stuff, kids, job--because that sort of thinking is very self destructive, man. It'd be like taking the shit out of your neighbors toilet and labeling it "MY SHIT IN BOX", it's all kinds of wrong. Not your shit, why is it in a box in the first place, don't you have your own shit to deal with? Because trust me, their shit doesn't smell any better. Best just leave it alone.
I guess when all that is done, I'm thinking of those commandments as not so much a list of things not to do, but a warning of things hidden. And it's a list of stuff that happens with suprising regularity, a real laundry list of unfortunate mistakes humanity tends to make. Even more unfortunately, you're probably going to do many of them anyway, but you were warned: there is shit under that box. Don't lift it.