le sigh
do you ever enter a room full of people and feel u can never be heard? or stand in an empty room and get a headache from all the noise? walk down a hallway with hundreds of people who dont care. or care so much that they are watching ur every move? i gotta stop thinking like this. i have some of the most amazing friends i can ever find, here at school, back home in the Edge, even some 3,000 miles across the Atlantic ocean. its just emotions. and secrets. and feelings. a lot of it involves being a music major and just being with such a WIDE variety of people, who i love. i can be in the dept and sometimes feel no one can understand me. then i can be feeling where everybody can feel exactly the way i am feeling. i hate the feeling i am being judged. or that i can be predictable. sometimes i hate practicing. not for the fact that i suck, but because its not so personal as it had used to be with me. the way our dept works, NOTHING is kept secret. pretty much any big event that happens with the ppl that dwell in McEachern High, becomes fact in that building. now sometimes i can be fine with that, as i am a staple in it many times. but sometimes it really gets under my skin. (and im not talking about what some of u may be thinking about formal lol). i mostly mean my privacy musically, which is all i really care about. my music is my emotions, my secrets, my passion. but i really feel it not to be so personal anymore, i always feel like its somebody's business. i know i sound a bit whiney but i just needed to get it outta my system. i think a big part of my stress if getting my pieces together for the few composition recitals going on next month. between rehearsals and actually finishing the pieces, ive been really stressed i guess.
so last night i spent the night at home, alone. as my parents were away for a few days. i havent feel so good in a LONG time. not that fact that i was home, but because i was with my piano by myself. i dont know what it was really, but i felt like theres no one watching. or listening. or judging. like i said before, my music is like my spoken word, my secrets. even tho im sure the average person wouldnt understand it, its just the principle of the thing. i was very happy to be able to play Bond in my living room and play along and not worry about anyone making fun of me, apart from molly. i just need to get this out of my mind. maybe now i wont care so much about the building and its skeviness.
so i andrea has agreed to accompany me to the music dept formal next month which i am very VERY excited about. im glad she was able to agree to it and i really cant wait to go. it will be nice to release a bit i guess.
so last night i spent the night at home, alone. as my parents were away for a few days. i havent feel so good in a LONG time. not that fact that i was home, but because i was with my piano by myself. i dont know what it was really, but i felt like theres no one watching. or listening. or judging. like i said before, my music is like my spoken word, my secrets. even tho im sure the average person wouldnt understand it, its just the principle of the thing. i was very happy to be able to play Bond in my living room and play along and not worry about anyone making fun of me, apart from molly. i just need to get this out of my mind. maybe now i wont care so much about the building and its skeviness.
so i andrea has agreed to accompany me to the music dept formal next month which i am very VERY excited about. im glad she was able to agree to it and i really cant wait to go. it will be nice to release a bit i guess.