#152: Take Me To Paradise: Part Three
Originally posted by selubrationmod at #152: Take Me To Paradise: Part Three
Soundtrack: 18. Agnes Obel - Fuel To Fire // 19. Florence + The Machine - All This And Heaven Too // 20. Sia - Cheap Thrills // 21. Taemin - Soldier // 22. Brooke Annibale - You Don't Know // 23. Led Zeppelin - Stairway To Heaven
???
VI. REWARD & PUNISHMENT
“Your uncle wants to build a new church in Seoul,” Luhan's mother announced at the breakfast table the next morning.
“Oh? Does he?” Luhan asked, barely interested in the topic.
“Yes, he does. And if you ask me, it is more than necessary,” she wrinkled her nose, but her voice sounded unusually joyful talking about such pleasant news. “Seoul is getting more and more out of hand lately. They even allow those festivals … It's about time to bring our good Christian moral values back into that city.”
Luhan looked at her in confusion. “What festivals?”
“Oh, you know where these people walk around and promote their sinful agendas.”
Luhan felt like he should have understood that hint but he still didn't get it. He rolled his eyes and kept on eating his toast.
“By the way, you aren't meeting with that heathen boy anymore, are you?” his mother asked sharply.
“No, of course not,” he lied. “Why would I?”
‘Hmph’ was the only answer he got.
Funnily, Luhan knew very well why he would want to meet Sehun again. He couldn't get the events of yesterday's evening out of his head. He needed to see the younger again. As soon as possible. He needed to kiss him again. Every second that he couldn't do so he felt more like being lost in a desert. Thirsty, incredibly thirsty …
“Have you heard?” his mother brought up a new topic. “The daughter of the Ryu family … she's … gay!” She spat that last word like it was the most horrible disease in the world. “Her parents should be ashamed of themselves to let her live like this.”
Luhan stopped eating his toast. “Well, it's her life, mom …”
“It's a sin!” she declared and stared at her son with an alienated gaze, not understanding why he would defend such a lifestyle. “It's against God. How could you not know that? Haven't you been reading your Bible?”
“I have, mom.”
“Well, then you know that God forbids such lewd and sinful ways. Man and woman were made for each other, not woman and woman or man and man. Am I right, honey?” she asked her husband who sat in his chair and absentmindedly read the newspaper.
“Sure, sure, sweetie,” he muttered and flipped to the next page.
Luhan's mother turned towards her son again with a venomous look. “There you have it. She needs to be punished for disrespecting the Lord's orders like that. If one chooses to live such a sinful life, God's wrath is all one deserves for he created the two genders only for each other. And her parents should be punished for allowing such blasphemy. And all that in our community …”
Luhan gulped and his stomach churned.
He knew the verses that his mother was talking about. After all, he had read the bible so many times. It said that homosexuality was forbidden, but so was wearing mixed fabrics. Thus, he had never given it much thought. At least, not until now.
It was late at night.
Luhan was laying in his bed, staring at the cross on his wall. His thoughts wouldn't let him find sleep.
Ever since he met Sehun, ever since he started to think about him as more than just a friend, and ever since he started thinking that kissing him was the most wonderful thing on earth, heaven and hell together, Luhan noticed that it became consistently more difficult for him to actually feel a connection to God.
He never had a problem with finding God near him or in himself. He always sat down to pray and he would feel the comforting aura surrounding him, the wise notion that sparked in his mind. But lately … lately he just stared at the cross, trying to pray, but nothing happened. It made Luhan feel scared and confused.
He wondered … Could his mother's words from this morning be true? Were Luhan's romantic feelings towards Sehun - a heathen boy - a sin?
Luhan didn't want to think that this was true. To him, God had always been fair and just and forgiving. He only punished the ones who were mean and hateful. Luhan's God wouldn't hate him … would he?
He tried to pray again and stared at the cross with slight desperation rising in his chest. “Am I doing the right thing?” he whispered, hoping for an answer, since he wanted by no means to violate the rules that God made for them all.
He didn't get an answer. And that seemed to be happening increasingly often, too.
Instead, the picture of Sehun's smiling face appeared Luhan's mind and he couldn't manage to think of one way why this could be wrong.
~
Luhan had his head laying on Sehun's lap while the younger was stroking his hair.
“Don't stop!” Luhan muttered, enjoying the treatment.
Sehun chuckled, “You are really lazy sometimes, you know that? I wanna get my head pat too.” He pouted cutely.
Luhan giggled. “Later …”
“You've been saying that for over an hour.”
“And I told you to be patient, you brat.”
“Do you want me to stop?!” Sehun threatened jokingly.
“No, no. Don't stop!” Luhan grabbed the taller's hand to keep it where it was.
Sehun chuckled again, his eyes forming those endearing crescent moon shapes.
Luhan wasn't able to turn his gaze away.
“What?” the younger asked.
“I think I love you.”
Sehun's hands froze and his eyes widened. His breath hitched and he stuttered, “I-I think I love you, too.”
Luhan smiled and lifted his arm to caress Sehun's cheeks that blossomed in a pink hue.
Sehun pushed Luhan onto his bed, just to straddle him the next moment. He grabbed the older's collar and pulled him nearer by the neck so that he could indulge into another passionate meeting of their lips, again and again.
Luhan moaned into the kiss. “Gosh, Sehun! I love you …”
The latter grinned and bit down on Luhan's lower lip. Their tongues were playing lustfully and exploring each other's cavern. Sehun gripped onto the older's shoulders, his hips slowly shifting on Luhan's lap.
Luhan had his fingers caressing Sehun's slim waist and crawling upwards over the fabric of his shirt. (They were still fully dressed for they both didn't dare to go further yet.) Luhan thumbed the younger's protruding collarbones, having the sudden desire to kiss them. So that's what he did.
Sehun gasped in surprise and pleasure when he felt Luhan softly nibbling on his clavicles and a shiver ran down his spine. “Luhan …”
The latter's right hand was moving up to his lover's neck to get a better hold while he continued to tantalize his skin.
That's when Sehun suddenly froze in his love struck and passionate state. He grabbed Luhan's hand on his neck and pulled away carefully.
The older looked at him in confusion. “Did I do something wrong? Are you alright?”
Sehun nodded but averted his gaze for a moment and climbed off Luhan. He sat on the bed next to him. “I'm alright but please … don't touch me there again. Or at least be very, very careful.” He pointed at the right side of his neck.
Luhan sat up with his disheveled hair and swollen lips. “What's the matter?”
Sehun gnawed on his lips and looked away yet again. “It's just … when I was sick back then … I needed a huge operation. A few actually. And because of that … I still have to be careful with my neck at that side especially … and I shouldn't make too dynamic movements with that area in general. It could be dangerous for me.”
“Oh,” Luhan didn't know what to say for a moment. “You should have told me,” he eventually said.
“I know.” Sehun didn't look at him. “I know, I should have. But I just don't like talking about it.”
“It's okay,” Luhan muttered and moved closer. He lifted Sehun's chin and looked him deep in the eyes. “But promise me, you will tell me someday. About your sickness I mean. If stuff like this happens, it worries me. I would like to know.”
“I will tell you,” Sehun nodded. “But … not today.”
“Okay,” Luhan caressed the other's cheek lovingly. “And I promise I will be careful.” He kissed him softly on the lips and Sehun sighed in satisfaction.
That evening Sehun fell asleep on Luhan's lap. The latter had been playing with his hair.
Luhan hadn't said anything but while he was busy twisting the younger's soft, full hair into little locks he had discovered something. A scar. A big scar.
From a little above his right ear, across the skullcap towards his nape there was a scar hidden beneath Sehun's fluffy locks. And there was a little dent in his right temple, too. A feeling of imminent shock had flooded through Luhan when he saw it for the first time because he realized that Sehun's skull must have been cut open before.
~
7 months later:
Sehun flashed Luhan a happy smile when the older walked down the stairs past him and Luhan returned it with one of his own. With aching hands Sehun continued to walk up the stairs to carry the big box into his and Luhan's new home.
The new home was a two-room apartment near Korea University, the place where they would very soon start their first semester. They had both managed to get very good grades for their university entrance exam and got accepted into this prestigious university.
Sehun would study medicine as planned and Luhan anthropology - much to everyone's surprise. The latter's parents weren't all too happy with that decision but grudgingly accepted it since Luhan shut them down with the argument that they themselves had never achieved to get into the SKY-Universities so now they shouldn't tell him what to do.
Since Luhan and Sehun came from rather affluent families, it wasn't a problem for them to find a suitable place for their needs. Right when they knew that they could go to the same university, they decided on moving in together. They would be able to live and love together and no one would bother them. Luhan's parents didn't know that the two of them would live together - in fact, Luhan had managed to keep his ongoing relationship a secret from them and he wanted it to stay that way.
Sehun's parents, however, knew about them and luckily they didn't mind. His mom was even excited to hear about them when Sehun mustered all his courage one day and told them. She thought they fitted perfectly and supported their wish to move together. Not only because she didn't want stand between them, but also because she was glad that there would be someone who could watch after Sehun and his health just in case something happened, as she told Luhan one evening. Luhan still didn't know everything about Sehun's illness. It bothered him but he didn't want to force the younger if he was that uncomfortable with the whole issue.
Sehun dumped the box onto the ground and watched his mom unpack them.
She noticed him staring at her and looked him in the eyes sort of regretfully. “Oh my boy …” she muttered and came over to hug him and he hugged her back.
It would be the first time he spent such a long time without his adoptive parents, especially his mom. “I will miss you,” he mumbled.
“I will miss you too,” she responded. “So, so much. Please promise me that you will immediately go to the hospital in case you feel weird or anything.”
“Yes, mom. I promise,” her son nodded.
“You should tell Luhan, you know. You two now live together. He has a right to know.”
Sehun sighed and his gaze dropped to the ground. “I know.”
“Imagine how shocked he will be if something happened to you and he didn't know what to do.”
“I … I will tell him, mom.”
“Promise?”
“Yes.”
Her expression turned from serious to inquisitive. “And promise me another thing?”
“What is it?”
“Please … do me and yourselves a favor and use condoms and lu-”
“OH MY GOD, MOM!” Sehun screeched and turned beet red.
“Well, it's important to know and -”
“Mom, please!” he begged with an aghast face.
“Okay,” she muttered. “I guess you have done it already, anyways …”
Sehun turned even redder, if that was possible. “Actually … we haven't … Not like that at least …”
“Oh! I see …” She turned her view back on the carton left to unpack. “Well, I'm surprised. I thought you two would have -”
“Mom, please! Can we not talk about this?”
“Do you think it hurts?” Sehun asked vaguely that evening when he and Luhan sat on the floor to eat dinner. The furniture wasn't set up yet.
Luhan looked at him confusion. “What hurts?” he asked with his mouth full.
“It's just … my mom wanted me to promise her this afternoon that we would always use condoms and lube and … yeah …” Sehun tried to explain with blushing cheeks.
Luhan turned equally pink. “Oh.”
For a while neither could say a word.
“So, yeah …” Sehun eventually said. “I've been wondering. If it hurts.”
“I heard that it does. That you should … be prepared properly and stuff …”
“Looks like we have a lot to learn then …”
“Yes,” Luhan replied with a smirk.
“I haven't given the technicalities too much thought so far,” Sehun mused.
“Me neither,” the older admitted. “To be honest … I had always planned to only have sex after marriage because, well … you know why … But I said goodbye to that idea long ago. It's not like it's possible for me now, anyway.”
Sehun stared at the ground with a gloomy feeling in his tummy, well aware of the underlying message in Luhan's words. “I'm sorry.”
“It's not your fault,” Luhan stated. “It's the world we live in …”
~
Sehun pressed Luhan against the cold tiles of the shower wall while the warm water poured down on them.
Luhan gasped at the contradicting feeling. Sehun's hands were all over his body, caressing every centimeter.
Their dicks were fully erect and rubbing against each other, causing them to moan because of the pleasuring sensation. Their lips met in a hot kiss, their tongues dancing a lustful dance, devouring each with ravishing appetite.
Sehun's fingers were teasingly playing with Luhan's hard nipples, twisting and turning them.
The latter moaned deeply into the kiss. “Fuck, Hunnie …” He let his fingers claw into Sehun's back while the younger broke the kiss to continue torturing him with delightful nibbles and sucks on his neck.
Sehun brought a hand down to grab their dicks together and jack them off leisurely.
A shiver ran down Luhan's back and a keen whine escaped his lips.
He felt the hot air of Sehun's breath on his neck as the taller chuckled.
Their hips began thrusting into the fist that was moving up and down in a regular pace.
“Hunnie, please …” Luhan mewled. “Please go faster …”
“As you wish,” Sehun groaned and sped up his movements.
Their mouths promptly rejoined and they kissed away their breathlessness while gripping onto each other, knowing that even like this it wasn't close enough. They needed so much more. They needed to be even closer.
Luhan grabbed Sehun's ass cheeks and massaged them, causing the younger to elicit a sharp growl and squeeze their cocks even harder.
The older shivered in anticipation, feeling hotness building up in the low of his belly. “Hunnie, come on …” he demanded.
Sehun thumbed the crowns of their cocks for a while until he dropped to his knees and pressed Luhan's shifting hips against the cold wall again. He grabbed the red, proud length of his lover and licked across the head, glistening from precum.
Luhan yelped fervently, being caught completely off guard by Sehun's bold actions. “Goddammit, Sehunnie!”
The latter licked Luhan's cock up and down and place his tight grip at the base and then swallowed it as deep as he could. He bobbed his head, enjoying how much more ragged the other's breath got every second passing.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Luhan huffed. “Sehunnie, I think I'm gonna -”
Sehun retreated just in time when spurts of cum hit his face and Luhan voiced out a throaty moan. The younger continued jacking himself off until the other dropped to his knees as well and drew him into another ardent kiss, taking over the frantic movements on Sehun's still erect cock.
With Luhan quickly flicking his wrist, combined with the tugging and pulling of his teeth on Sehun's lips, it didn't take the latter long to cum. With a strangled moan he released into Luhan's moving hand, his vision blurring momentarily.
It took a while for their breaths to calm down. The water was soothing their over-stimulated bodies and washed away most of their cum. Some was still sticking on Sehun's cheek.
Luhan stared at his boyfriend in awe. “You're so damn beautiful,” he whispered and placed another chaste kiss on those lips he loved so much.
Sehun giggled lovingly.
“You look hot!” Sehun exclaimed when Luhan finally stepped out of the shower with a towel wound around his hips. Droplets of water were still glistening on his toned chest and stomach. The older had started working out some time ago and by now a result was already visible.
“I may look hot, but I'm freezing. Where's my bathrobe?” Luhan answered, trying to suppress a shiver.
“Over there!” Sehun pointed at the hooks on their bedroom door. “You always forget that, don't you?”
“Apparently.” The older walked over and slipped into the warm robe, slumping onto the couch next to Sehun who had already selected a movie for them to watch. It was, after all, a tradition they maintained. They still hadn't set up all of the furniture but the couch and TV were important.
“Sehunnie …” Luhan began then. “I've been thinking …”
“About what?”
“That you should finally tell me what sickness it was that you were having back then.”
Sehun gulped but didn't answer.
“It's not like I wanna pressure you to tell me something that you don't wanna talk about but … we live together now and … I know that whatever sickness it was, it is still affecting you. That you could have a relapse or whatever. And I need to know what it is that I might have to deal with.”
“I know …” Sehun muttered with droopy eyes.
“So will you tell me?”
Sehun sighed and nodded meekly. “It's just really hard for me to talk about, but yeah …”
“Why is it so hard for you?”
“Because I'm afraid.”
“Of what?”
“That you will leave me if you know …”
???
VII. A GLIMPSE OF HEAVEN
“Why would I leave you?” Luhan asked in confusion.
“I just … I'm not sure, okay?!” Sehun tried to explain desperately. “When I was still living in Busan I told a few friends about my illness, so that they knew. They listened but afterwards they slowly distanced themselves from me. It was too much for them to deal with …” He stared at the frozen TV screen with a hint of tears in the corner of his eyes.
Immediately Luhan's troubled mind calmed down. “Sehun … whatever you're gonna tell me, whatever it is that you are dealing with … I promise - … I swear that I am not going to leave you. I love you. Leaving when you are telling me something so important and then knowing what sort of hardship it is … I could never do that.” He shifted right next to his boyfriend who had his eyebrows frowned into worried wrinkles. With his index finger, Luhan stroked over them. “So, don't worry. I am here for you.”
Sehun took a deep breath. “Okay, then …”
Luhan looked at him expectantly. He didn't show it but deep down he felt nervous and anxious. Sehun had been careful to keep this stuff a secret from him until now. He wondered how bad it would be.
“I was born with weak vessel walls,” Sehun began. “In my case this weakness contributed to the sickness I got later on. My veins stretch a lot more than they should, especially when my blood pressure is high.” Sehun then stared at the bags that were still standing in the corner where he knew his pills were in. “That's why I have to take my pills. They are supposed to keep my blood pressure down over the day. Because if it gets too high over a long time it can become very dangerous for me. High blood pressure makes it easier for the veins to widen.”
Luhan listened attentively but right when Sehun started speaking, he knew that the boy's health issues would be far more complicated and severe than he expected. He didn't know what he thought Sehun would talk about, but this was truly not what he had in mind.
“When I was down with pneumonia my body was fighting a lot, it was weak and didn't get any proper medicine. And whereas that illness alone would have probably killed me on its own, that's not what happened. Because of the high blood pressure I was having at that point and the vessel weakness, a vein in my brain stretched and eventually … ripped. It's called an aneurysm. It doesn't always result in a bleeding in the brain, but in my case it did. It's kinda like a stroke. If a doctor finds these things in time they can be removed via operation. But it was too late for me. I was lucky enough that my … at that time teacher came by exactly then. I had already passed out when she found me. At least that's what she told me afterwards; I can't remember.”
Luhan felt a cold feeling creep into his body and claw at his guts. Such a severe sickness as a child … He couldn't even fathom the degree to which the little Sehun must have suffered back then.
“Anyway, she brought me to the hospital where they diagnosed my state and operated on me. They had to cut open my skull, but unfortunately it wasn't over after that. Even though I got treated rather quickly, the aneurysm had already caused some damage. The bleeding spread between my brain membrane and brain tissue, causing the fluids in my brain to not circulate properly and the pressure on my brain tissue to rise. Such a condition is called hydrocephalus. If it is left untreated for too long it causes you to die because the fluid and the blood literally press down on your brain and damage certain areas. Luckily, I was still in the hospital, so they could quickly treat me. Even though they had to send me to another facility first because not every clinic can treat a case like mine properly … It’s not something that many people suffer from.” Sehun sighed and stared at his fingers. They were shaking a little bit.
Luhan didn't know what to say. He had never heard of this illness before, and the details shocked him even more.
“To prevent something like this from happening in the future, they had to operate on me again,” Sehun continued. “They had to cut open my head and insert something called a shunt. That's basically a small hose from my brain to my stomach that allows the fluid and blood to flow off in case I have another aneurysm and the pressure in my skull rises again. The hose is beneath my skin and there is a little … uhm, valve here close to my right ear.” Sehun pointed at the area that Luhan remembered to be careful when touching. Now he understood why.
“That's about it for my condition,” Sehun mused. All the while he didn't dare to look Luhan in the eye. He was too afraid of perhaps having to see the utter fear and incomprehension in them. “Of course my brain was severely damaged after those operations and the bleeding. It took me very long to get back into life. I am so glad and thankful that my mom and dad adopted me and supported me and … just were the best people I could imagine in such a situation. I had to attend therapies for a long time. I had trouble memorizing stuff and was often very confused. I also had problems with my fine motor skills and had to relearn some of the stuff that seem natural for everyone else. But eventually I succeeded and I am very glad about that. I was able to enter middle school properly, even though I had some struggles at first because I missed out on so much during the three years I was out.”
“Three years?!” was the first thing that Luhan blurted out after not having said anything about the rest so far.
“Yes …” Sehun muttered sadly. “If my … begetter and birthgiver would have cared for me properly, all of that might not have ever happened.”
“Sehunnie, I am so sorry.”
“Well, it's not like I can change anything about it,” Sehun drew his knees up to himself and curled into a ball, leaning into Luhan. “The problem is just … I am still at a very high risk of getting an aneurysm again. I try to live healthy and do everything I can to prevent this from ever happening again, but I don't have any guarantees. And I really don't wanna go through such an excruciating time again. Back then, after I learned about my illness I still had those thoughts in my mind, you know - of all the ugly things that my parents had told me. I honestly thought that this was my punishment for existing and … I needed so much courage to turn against those thoughts and allow my new parents to help me and to accept them so that I could get better. Because that's what I thought back then. That God pushed me into this endless pit of suffering, and he wouldn't help me out. But my new parents did. And I made it out.”
Luhan gulped. His throat felt dry and anxiety paralyzed his limbs. He finally understood completely why the other thought the way he did. How he came to resent the idea of a benevolent Supreme Being. He understood, even though he personally still thought something different. Luhan saw the light of hope in Sehun's new parents, in the fact that the boy had been able to get up again.
Had he said that out loud, Sehun would have retorted that this good God of Luhan's must have rather fucked up morals if he thought it was okay to let a child suffer like this in the first place. But Luhan didn't say it out loud for he knew this discussion was the last thing Sehun needed right now.
“Hunnie …” the older whispered with fear-stricken voice. “What you just said … about maybe getting an aneurysm again … That can't kill you, can it?”
“Unfortunately it can.”
“But you said that you have this … shunt now …”
“That doesn't actually cure me. It's supposed to buy me valuable time in case I ever get an aneurysm again. I mean … I go to the doctor regularly to check if I develop any new ones and so far they haven't found any. But the doctors sometimes can't find them or they develop very quickly and then … they might rip again. If the pressure in my brain is rising, it won't happen as fast with the shunt as it usually would. Normally that condition could kill me very quickly. Like this I have a few hours left until someone can help me.”
“A few HOURS?” Luhan choked and his heart started thundering. He stared at the boy cuddled into his side and thought of him suffering, dying … Luhan couldn't bear it.
“Yeah …” Sehun confirmed. “I would first get a very strong headache, that's when the aneurysm rips and the bleeding starts. I would get dizzy and eventually faint. But to be honest … if I am out for that long I'm not sure if I would want anyone to save me.”
“Why not?” Luhan asked with a shaky voice.
“Because if … if I ever wake up then, I might not be the same person anymore. You see, Hannie … In such a case my brain would be under the pressure of the bleeding and the fluid for several hours. It would be very damaged. I doubt that I would ever be able to live a normal or at least somewhat decent life again after that. So in case something happens, it's important to get help very, very quickly. That would prevent a lot of possible brain damage from happening.”
“I see,” Luhan breathed and was silent for a while until he mustered up the courage to ask the question that was bothering him the most. “How likely is it that it happens again?”
“Hard to say,” Sehun admitted, “Probably fifty-fifty.”
And Luhan felt like he was losing ground.
The older looked at Sehun with a much different perspective from then on.
Of course, he didn't leave. Of course not.
On the contrary, he loved and cherished the younger even more if possible because Luhan could honestly admit that he never met any person in his life who was a strong as Sehun was. Luhan liked to think of himself as a positive person but deep down he knew, if he were in Sehun's shoes and had to live with such an atrocious past and a ticking time-bomb in his head that could destroy all his hopes and dreams, he wouldn't be able to keep up his attitude.
Luhan admired how Sehun still managed to stay as joyful as he was, as curious as he was and as optimistic. So the former swore to himself that he would protect the younger from everything that could harm him, to do everything possible so that Sehun wouldn't have to suffer through that same fate again, and to always stay by his side to support and love him.
Because he deserved it. He deserved it so, so much.
~
“We should have set the bed up first,” Sehun realized when they were done puffing up the cushions.
“Yeah, we should have,” Luhan agreed. “My back is still hurting from that darn thing that calls itself an air mattress.”
They both continued to unpack all their personal belongings to make this new apartment their home. At some point, Luhan also unpacked his beloved cross that he wanted to hang up at his side of the bed.
He felt Sehun's gaze boring into his back and he turned around.
Sehun was staring at the cross with wary eyes and twisted his lips into a scowl.
Luhan bit onto his lip. “I … I can hang it up, right?” he asked carefully.
Sehun hesitated for a moment. “Yeah … sure.”
Luhan nodded thankfully. While he was busy driving the nail for the cross into the wall he spoke again. “I think I finally understand why you don't believe in God. After what you told me yesterday … I mean I obviously still don't agree with you but … I get where you're coming from.”
Sehun stared at Luhan in amazement. It was the first time he ever heard such words coming from the brunette. Words that carried the hint of doubt or at least acceptance of doubt of his own position. He didn't know what to say because he was too surprised to think of a good answer.
“But I still wonder, though …” Luhan muttered. “How you come to live your life so confidently with everything that you have gone through without believing in anything. Because … I wouldn't be able to live like this.”
Sehun let out a short unbelieving laugh. “Who said that I don't believe in anything? I thought you would know me better by now …” He walked over and turned the working Luhan around to face him. “I believe in peace, family, generosity, affection … I believe in love …” He raised his arm to caress the smaller boy's cheek. “I believe in you …”
“Me?”
“Yes, you,” Sehun bent down a little to kiss the other on his lips. “I was so afraid that you would leave me after what I told you, that you wouldn't be able to handle it … yet still you are here. You have been here all along … I believe in you.”
Luhan couldn't describe the firestorm of emotions that broke loose within him when he heard those words. He knew they meant something important but couldn't figure out what exactly.
That night when Sehun had already fallen asleep next to him, Luhan turned to his newly hung up cross and prayed. He prayed every night, but this time his thoughts and feelings while doing so were much more intense than usual.
He prayed for Sehun to never get another aneurysm again. He prayed for them both two live a long, happy, healthy life. He prayed for his boyfriend to receive everything he wished for in his life. He had suffered so much - if someone deserved a bright future, it was him. He prayed for himself to stay understanding, loving and supporting of Sehun.
Luhan was so happy right now, lying in his own home, far from his mother's antics, next to the boy he loved who was so cute when he hugged him in his sleep. Luhan didn't want to lose this happiness - ever.
~
2 years later:
“It looks so weird when you're sucking my dick with that hair color,” Luhan stated.
Sehun looked up, his lips stretched around the girth of his lover's cock and raised an eyebrow while his newly dyed blonde hair fell into his eyes.
“What?” Luhan asked. “It's true; all this time I had this black mop of hair bobbing down there and now suddenly it's blonde. Like, what?”
Sehun angrily released the red, erect cock from his mouth with a plop. “Luhan, either you shut up or you can literally go fuck yourself.”
“Aw, c'mon! Noooo!” Luhan whined. “I didn't say it looks bad, just weird.”
“And …? What is your point …?”
“Nothing, forget it! Get back down there. You can't leave me like this!”
“Oh, I'm pretty sure I can!” Sehun grabbed the base of the other's cock and squeezed a little too hard.
“Hrngh,” Luhan growled in the back of his throat. “Fuck, sorry. I swear I'm gonna shut up. Now get down there again and move your pretty ass up here.”
“Fine,” Sehun chuckled and placed his knees next to both sides of Luhan's head. He got back to licking the other's proud length up and down again, letting his tongue play with the prominent head and slightly grazing over the shaft with his teeth.
Luhan hissed sharply and grabbed Sehun's ass harshly, causing the younger to yelp. The older pulled the luscious butt cheeks down to him and buried his head between. He licked over the quivering, rosy hole in fat stripes and sucked on the awaiting rim.
Sehun's limbs started shivering and shaking. He was starting to lose his balance. The sensations were too much for him. All the while he continuously moved his head up and down, trying to take in as much of Luhan's dick as he could. In between he moved down further with his lips and nibbled and sucked on the tight, swollen balls.
Luhan had trouble keeping his hips from thrusting upwards. He knew Sehun didn't like those surprise attacks. Instead the older concentrated on eating out the hot cavern in front of him. He slicked him up as well as he could because that was all the lube he would get. He couldn't wait to shove his dick into the velvety tightness.
Luhan flipped Sehun around swiftly so that the younger now laid on his back and his disheveled state was openly sprawled out in front of Luhan's greedy eyes. Sehun's chest was heaving up and down and sweat made his sculpted frame shimmer in the dim light of the bedroom.
Sehun had grown taller over the last few years and his shoulders got even broader compared to when Luhan first met him. Back then Sehun had only been a little taller than him. Now he would tower over the older when they were both standing and his back was honestly big enough for a plane to land on it.
But that wouldn't stop Luhan from fucking Sehun into the sheets if it was his turn to top. And today it was.
Luhan crawled over the younger for his lips to hover above the other's.
When their mouths met in an all-consuming, passionate kiss, Luhan grabbed Sehun's shaky legs and entered him in one swift move.
Sehun groaned loudly into the kiss. “Fuck, Lu …” He gripped onto the latter's back and scratched down when Luhan promptly began thrusting rhythmically into him.
Luhan on the other hand moaned throatily when he felt the nails scratching over his skin and began kissing down Sehun's jawline and his beautiful neck. His kissed and licked and sucked and nibbled until he left red marks to show everyone that Sehun was his and his alone. He grabbed the younger's hips to be able to better thrust into him.
And - oh! - Sehun took his dick with so much grace. Every time the older's cock glided in again his eyelids flickered and he let out those small, little moans that Luhan loved so much. Sehun's body responded fully to the quick and forceful pace that Luhan dictated and moved to meet him on his way, causing them to clash with such power that Sehun swore he saw stars exploding at the edge of his sight every single time.
Sehun opened his eyes that he had closed before to enjoy every of Luhan's touches better, and pushed Luhan back to sit himself on the standing erection right away again.
“Fuck!” he screeched when Luhan's dick hit his sweet spot dead on. Glowing fire burned up in every cell of his body.
Luhan got the hint and pressed his feet on the mattress to jab harshly again and again.
Sehun felt like he was losing every attachment to the world around. All he could feel was Luhan thrusting into him in all the right ways. He weakly tried to ride Luhan a little on his own but he was too swept away by the many fervent sensations.
Luhan fully enjoyed the view that Sehun was offering him while he kept on moaning at the tight, hot and soft walls of Sehun's that kneaded his cock. He loved seeing him like this … Eyes glazed over with lust, expression twisting into masks of ardent need, body trembling and winding.
All these years he had been hoping, praying, wishing for God to find him worthy of sending him to heaven after he died. But now … now Luhan was wondering whether he had found heaven already - in the form of the young man sitting on top of him in his sweaty, stunning, magnificent, glorious state of self, moaning with the voice of an angel. If he could only ever be with Sehun like this he wouldn't need anything else. Only this.
He grabbed the younger's neglected and erect length.
Sehun keened loudly.
Luhan rubbed up and down, thumbing over the crown.
Sehun finally joined in with Luhan's rhythm and humped downwards.
Their movements grew more and uncontrolled and erratic. Luhan thrusts became sloppy and Sehun grabbed his own dick too. He felt the orgasm build up within him and so did Luhan. Chasing their own release, their lips met again.
“Luhan, Luhan, Luhan …” Sehun moaned into the kiss.
A last powerful stroke from Luhan and Sehun came with a loud moan between them, the sound resounding in the room. He tightened his walls around Luhan who spurted his load in Sehun with a husky growl.
Immediately, strength left Sehun's body and he collapsed on Luhan, who embraced the quivering body frame into his arms and buried his nose in the actually very sexy-looking blonde hair. “I love you so frickin' much, do you know that?” he huffed.
Sehun snickered breathlessly. “I love you too,” he whispered and kissed Luhan's neck softly.
Sehun had fallen asleep in his arms and now Luhan spent his time adoring the sight of him. He softly traced the perfect features with his fingers and once in a while placed a soft kiss on the cheeks, nose and forehead.
He hoped that Sehun was having nice dreams. Sometimes the latter would wake up in the middle of the night, having a terrible nightmare where the demons of his past had tortured him again. Luhan would gladly spend all night comforting and distracting him.
Luhan prayed again as he did every night. He prayed for the best for them. He prayed for the best for Sehun, for him to be healthy, to be happy, to be carefree.
Luhan was still so incredibly happy to be able to live with Sehun. There was so much love in him that he sometimes felt like he would burst from it. He prayed for this feeling to never stop.
???
VIII. HARBORING ILLUSIONS
“Jongin broke up with his girlfriend,” Luhan stated after a quick look at the text message he got from his best friend of many years.
“Again?” Sehun raised an eyebrow and placed the two cups filled with steaming coffee on the breakfast table.
“No, it was another one this time.”
“Bruh … I can't keep up with this guy's affairs. Seriously, how many girlfriends has he had in this year alone?”
“What can I say? I am slowly losing track, too …”
“Remember the one who slapped him right across the face once?” Sehun mused and chuckled at the memory. They had gone to a Halloween party in Hongdae about one and a half years ago when Jongin had accompanied them. His girlfriend caught him making out drunkenly with another woman.
“Ha! Yeah …” Luhan snickered and went over to the toaster to get their bread. “He deserved it though.”
“Yeah, he did.” Sehun sat down and grabbed the glass of strawberry marmalade. “He always hooks up with these super nice and pretty girls and then he fucks it up. I wonder if he'll ever learn.”
“I think we'll have to wait for a long time before he gets it,” Luhan spread the marmalade on his toast and folded it in half a little agitatedly. “I mean, you should be glad that you're not the one who has to deal with him every time he gets drunk and wallows in his misery again. Luhaaaan, how come you are so happy and I am so unhappy? Tell meeeee!” He rolled his eyes.
Sehun giggled. “Jongin really said that?”
“Yeah, countless times. I tell him every time it's his own fault that he is so miserable but he just doesn't get it.”
They ate their breakfast in silence until Sehun remembered what he wanted to ask the older. “By the way, Hannie … who was it that called so early in the morning?”
“Uh …” Luhan groaned. “My mother.”
“Of course,” Sehun sighed. “Who else would call at that hour. What did she want?”
“A few years ago my uncle started building a church here in Seoul. It's finished now. She wants me to attend the opening liturgy on Sunday.”
“I see …”
“I'm not exactly keen on going there. It means I have to see all my relatives again and I'm just so not in the mood for that … But yeah, I gotta go. Otherwise I would risk my parents coming here and dragging me out by my feet.”
“Yeah, okay. Of course you gotta go then.”
“I mean, I'm just so glad that everything worked out until now, so I don't wanna risk them finding out.”
“Luhan, I understand,” Sehun responded softly.
“It's just, it will probably take all day. The liturgy will start in the morning and they planned some big celebration after that and whatnot … So I will probably come home in the evening.”
“It's okay, I'm gonna spend my time studying then, I guess. I've got a test on Monday anyway.”
~
Luhan woke Sehun up, who was still soundly sleeping despite the rays of sunlight that enlightened the room already. “Wake up, sleepyhead,” Luhan singsonged.
Sehun stirred awake with a groan and blinked cutely.
Luhan almost cooed at the sight.
“Uhhh … Luhan, why you gotta wake me up at this time?” the younger mumbled sleepily. “And why are you wearing a suit?”
“I gotta go to church, remember? It's Sunday …” Luhan knelt down next to the bed and caressed Sehun's cheek.
“Oh yeah, right …” the latter mumbled and enjoyed being pampered.
“I just wanted to say goodbye.”
“Okay, see you later then. Shall I buy us something from McDonald's when I come home?”
“Sounds good,” Sehun muttered and closed his eyes again. “I'm just gonna go back to sleep …”
“Fine,” Luhan chuckled. “I'm gonna text you later, okay?”
“Yup.”
Luhan stood up and gave Sehun a big smooch on his forehead. “Have nice dreams, sleepyhead. Love you.”
“Love you too,” Sehun mumbled.
Luhan walked to the wardrobe, grabbed his jacket and left.
When he was sitting in church that day, surrounded by his relatives and homophobic parents, Luhan for the first time felt like a church was actually the wrong place for him to be. He had always felt at home in churches. It was where he could sense an even stronger connection to God, where it was almost tangible for him. But not today.
He felt as if he could do ten thousand things better than sitting here and listening to his uncle talking up front at the podium. Luhan just felt utterly confused because actually … these people were supposed to be praising God, but all they did was praising themselves for their oh-so-great achievements that Luhan deemed to be of so little worth. They talked about how this church was supposed to be a home for love and God but Luhan could feel neither of it in here. Luhan's love and God had to be at some other place as it seemed …
After the liturgy ended Luhan stepped out and felt relieved to breathe in fresh air. The church was poorly ventilated and the air got so stuffy after a while.
He pulled out his phone to text his boyfriend.
>hey you awake already? ^^<
>that was the most boring sunday service i ever attended<
>didn't know that going to church could be so lame<
>text me when you're awake<
Luhan put his phone back into the pocket of his pants and followed his mother's calls to get in the car with her.
They went to an expensive looking, western restaurant. Apparently his uncle had reserved a whole wing just for them.
When he walked inside, Luhan was in awe for a short moment when he saw the chic red carpets on the floor and chandeliers dangling from the ceiling. Velvety curtains hung around the big windows that allowed the guests to enjoy a great view of the Han River.
Something that his uncle had said during his speech crossed Luhan's mind. About God loving the poor. How ironic.
Luhan pulled out his phone again. No reply yet.
Well, it wasn't even noon yet. Sehun was probably still sleeping.
>sehunnie … are you awake now? .-.<
>you haven't been replying me ;;<
>i hope you got your phone on loud because you should wake up now<
>you said you wanted to study for your test tomorrow<
>sehunnie … it's afternoon and you still haven't replied me<
>i'm getting worried<
>for fuck's sake sehun look at your goddamn phone<
>i can't go home yet<
>plz reply me<
>sehunnie it's 4pm now and you still haven't replied or even read any of my texts yet<
>i'm really worried now<
>my mother is kinda suspicious already, she keeps on asking me who i'm texting all the time<
>i don't want her to find out<
>sehunnie plz don't scare me like this<
>ok sehunnie<
>i'm in panic now<
>i'm coming home<
>i don't care if anyone finds out<
Luhan ran.
He ran like never before in his life. As soon as the taxi came to a stop, he bolted out of the car and dashed into his and Sehun's apartment building.
He stumbled up the stairs with shaking fingers, hands, knees, legs, shaking body.
His heart was thundering in fear.
Please be okay, please be okay, please be okay, please be okay, please be okay!, was the mantra that was replaying in his head over and over again.
Sehun hadn't been replying him all day long and Sehun never did that. The younger usually had his phone within an arm's length. He usually responded quickly with two hours delay at most.
So now, Luhan was shaking. Sehun should have messaged him long ago. It was also a way for Luhan to know that the younger was fine, that nothing happened.
But he didn't … but he didn't … but he didn't answer.
Luhan knew what it meant and he prayed to God and everyone else who might be able to help that it was all just a stupid coincidence. That Sehun's phone broke or whatever …
But fear was sitting in his throat, making it hard for Luhan to breathe while his fingers gripped around the handrail with force until his knuckles turned white.
Luhan stormed towards the door of his apartment and barged through the door as soon as he opened it.
“Sehun!?” he screamed. “Where are you?”
Then he saw them. The legs behind the table, lying on the floor.
…
“SEHUN!”
???
Part 4
Soundtrack: 18. Agnes Obel - Fuel To Fire // 19. Florence + The Machine - All This And Heaven Too // 20. Sia - Cheap Thrills // 21. Taemin - Soldier // 22. Brooke Annibale - You Don't Know // 23. Led Zeppelin - Stairway To Heaven
???
VI. REWARD & PUNISHMENT
“Your uncle wants to build a new church in Seoul,” Luhan's mother announced at the breakfast table the next morning.
“Oh? Does he?” Luhan asked, barely interested in the topic.
“Yes, he does. And if you ask me, it is more than necessary,” she wrinkled her nose, but her voice sounded unusually joyful talking about such pleasant news. “Seoul is getting more and more out of hand lately. They even allow those festivals … It's about time to bring our good Christian moral values back into that city.”
Luhan looked at her in confusion. “What festivals?”
“Oh, you know where these people walk around and promote their sinful agendas.”
Luhan felt like he should have understood that hint but he still didn't get it. He rolled his eyes and kept on eating his toast.
“By the way, you aren't meeting with that heathen boy anymore, are you?” his mother asked sharply.
“No, of course not,” he lied. “Why would I?”
‘Hmph’ was the only answer he got.
Funnily, Luhan knew very well why he would want to meet Sehun again. He couldn't get the events of yesterday's evening out of his head. He needed to see the younger again. As soon as possible. He needed to kiss him again. Every second that he couldn't do so he felt more like being lost in a desert. Thirsty, incredibly thirsty …
“Have you heard?” his mother brought up a new topic. “The daughter of the Ryu family … she's … gay!” She spat that last word like it was the most horrible disease in the world. “Her parents should be ashamed of themselves to let her live like this.”
Luhan stopped eating his toast. “Well, it's her life, mom …”
“It's a sin!” she declared and stared at her son with an alienated gaze, not understanding why he would defend such a lifestyle. “It's against God. How could you not know that? Haven't you been reading your Bible?”
“I have, mom.”
“Well, then you know that God forbids such lewd and sinful ways. Man and woman were made for each other, not woman and woman or man and man. Am I right, honey?” she asked her husband who sat in his chair and absentmindedly read the newspaper.
“Sure, sure, sweetie,” he muttered and flipped to the next page.
Luhan's mother turned towards her son again with a venomous look. “There you have it. She needs to be punished for disrespecting the Lord's orders like that. If one chooses to live such a sinful life, God's wrath is all one deserves for he created the two genders only for each other. And her parents should be punished for allowing such blasphemy. And all that in our community …”
Luhan gulped and his stomach churned.
He knew the verses that his mother was talking about. After all, he had read the bible so many times. It said that homosexuality was forbidden, but so was wearing mixed fabrics. Thus, he had never given it much thought. At least, not until now.
It was late at night.
Luhan was laying in his bed, staring at the cross on his wall. His thoughts wouldn't let him find sleep.
Ever since he met Sehun, ever since he started to think about him as more than just a friend, and ever since he started thinking that kissing him was the most wonderful thing on earth, heaven and hell together, Luhan noticed that it became consistently more difficult for him to actually feel a connection to God.
He never had a problem with finding God near him or in himself. He always sat down to pray and he would feel the comforting aura surrounding him, the wise notion that sparked in his mind. But lately … lately he just stared at the cross, trying to pray, but nothing happened. It made Luhan feel scared and confused.
He wondered … Could his mother's words from this morning be true? Were Luhan's romantic feelings towards Sehun - a heathen boy - a sin?
Luhan didn't want to think that this was true. To him, God had always been fair and just and forgiving. He only punished the ones who were mean and hateful. Luhan's God wouldn't hate him … would he?
He tried to pray again and stared at the cross with slight desperation rising in his chest. “Am I doing the right thing?” he whispered, hoping for an answer, since he wanted by no means to violate the rules that God made for them all.
He didn't get an answer. And that seemed to be happening increasingly often, too.
Instead, the picture of Sehun's smiling face appeared Luhan's mind and he couldn't manage to think of one way why this could be wrong.
~
Luhan had his head laying on Sehun's lap while the younger was stroking his hair.
“Don't stop!” Luhan muttered, enjoying the treatment.
Sehun chuckled, “You are really lazy sometimes, you know that? I wanna get my head pat too.” He pouted cutely.
Luhan giggled. “Later …”
“You've been saying that for over an hour.”
“And I told you to be patient, you brat.”
“Do you want me to stop?!” Sehun threatened jokingly.
“No, no. Don't stop!” Luhan grabbed the taller's hand to keep it where it was.
Sehun chuckled again, his eyes forming those endearing crescent moon shapes.
Luhan wasn't able to turn his gaze away.
“What?” the younger asked.
“I think I love you.”
Sehun's hands froze and his eyes widened. His breath hitched and he stuttered, “I-I think I love you, too.”
Luhan smiled and lifted his arm to caress Sehun's cheeks that blossomed in a pink hue.
Sehun pushed Luhan onto his bed, just to straddle him the next moment. He grabbed the older's collar and pulled him nearer by the neck so that he could indulge into another passionate meeting of their lips, again and again.
Luhan moaned into the kiss. “Gosh, Sehun! I love you …”
The latter grinned and bit down on Luhan's lower lip. Their tongues were playing lustfully and exploring each other's cavern. Sehun gripped onto the older's shoulders, his hips slowly shifting on Luhan's lap.
Luhan had his fingers caressing Sehun's slim waist and crawling upwards over the fabric of his shirt. (They were still fully dressed for they both didn't dare to go further yet.) Luhan thumbed the younger's protruding collarbones, having the sudden desire to kiss them. So that's what he did.
Sehun gasped in surprise and pleasure when he felt Luhan softly nibbling on his clavicles and a shiver ran down his spine. “Luhan …”
The latter's right hand was moving up to his lover's neck to get a better hold while he continued to tantalize his skin.
That's when Sehun suddenly froze in his love struck and passionate state. He grabbed Luhan's hand on his neck and pulled away carefully.
The older looked at him in confusion. “Did I do something wrong? Are you alright?”
Sehun nodded but averted his gaze for a moment and climbed off Luhan. He sat on the bed next to him. “I'm alright but please … don't touch me there again. Or at least be very, very careful.” He pointed at the right side of his neck.
Luhan sat up with his disheveled hair and swollen lips. “What's the matter?”
Sehun gnawed on his lips and looked away yet again. “It's just … when I was sick back then … I needed a huge operation. A few actually. And because of that … I still have to be careful with my neck at that side especially … and I shouldn't make too dynamic movements with that area in general. It could be dangerous for me.”
“Oh,” Luhan didn't know what to say for a moment. “You should have told me,” he eventually said.
“I know.” Sehun didn't look at him. “I know, I should have. But I just don't like talking about it.”
“It's okay,” Luhan muttered and moved closer. He lifted Sehun's chin and looked him deep in the eyes. “But promise me, you will tell me someday. About your sickness I mean. If stuff like this happens, it worries me. I would like to know.”
“I will tell you,” Sehun nodded. “But … not today.”
“Okay,” Luhan caressed the other's cheek lovingly. “And I promise I will be careful.” He kissed him softly on the lips and Sehun sighed in satisfaction.
That evening Sehun fell asleep on Luhan's lap. The latter had been playing with his hair.
Luhan hadn't said anything but while he was busy twisting the younger's soft, full hair into little locks he had discovered something. A scar. A big scar.
From a little above his right ear, across the skullcap towards his nape there was a scar hidden beneath Sehun's fluffy locks. And there was a little dent in his right temple, too. A feeling of imminent shock had flooded through Luhan when he saw it for the first time because he realized that Sehun's skull must have been cut open before.
~
7 months later:
Sehun flashed Luhan a happy smile when the older walked down the stairs past him and Luhan returned it with one of his own. With aching hands Sehun continued to walk up the stairs to carry the big box into his and Luhan's new home.
The new home was a two-room apartment near Korea University, the place where they would very soon start their first semester. They had both managed to get very good grades for their university entrance exam and got accepted into this prestigious university.
Sehun would study medicine as planned and Luhan anthropology - much to everyone's surprise. The latter's parents weren't all too happy with that decision but grudgingly accepted it since Luhan shut them down with the argument that they themselves had never achieved to get into the SKY-Universities so now they shouldn't tell him what to do.
Since Luhan and Sehun came from rather affluent families, it wasn't a problem for them to find a suitable place for their needs. Right when they knew that they could go to the same university, they decided on moving in together. They would be able to live and love together and no one would bother them. Luhan's parents didn't know that the two of them would live together - in fact, Luhan had managed to keep his ongoing relationship a secret from them and he wanted it to stay that way.
Sehun's parents, however, knew about them and luckily they didn't mind. His mom was even excited to hear about them when Sehun mustered all his courage one day and told them. She thought they fitted perfectly and supported their wish to move together. Not only because she didn't want stand between them, but also because she was glad that there would be someone who could watch after Sehun and his health just in case something happened, as she told Luhan one evening. Luhan still didn't know everything about Sehun's illness. It bothered him but he didn't want to force the younger if he was that uncomfortable with the whole issue.
Sehun dumped the box onto the ground and watched his mom unpack them.
She noticed him staring at her and looked him in the eyes sort of regretfully. “Oh my boy …” she muttered and came over to hug him and he hugged her back.
It would be the first time he spent such a long time without his adoptive parents, especially his mom. “I will miss you,” he mumbled.
“I will miss you too,” she responded. “So, so much. Please promise me that you will immediately go to the hospital in case you feel weird or anything.”
“Yes, mom. I promise,” her son nodded.
“You should tell Luhan, you know. You two now live together. He has a right to know.”
Sehun sighed and his gaze dropped to the ground. “I know.”
“Imagine how shocked he will be if something happened to you and he didn't know what to do.”
“I … I will tell him, mom.”
“Promise?”
“Yes.”
Her expression turned from serious to inquisitive. “And promise me another thing?”
“What is it?”
“Please … do me and yourselves a favor and use condoms and lu-”
“OH MY GOD, MOM!” Sehun screeched and turned beet red.
“Well, it's important to know and -”
“Mom, please!” he begged with an aghast face.
“Okay,” she muttered. “I guess you have done it already, anyways …”
Sehun turned even redder, if that was possible. “Actually … we haven't … Not like that at least …”
“Oh! I see …” She turned her view back on the carton left to unpack. “Well, I'm surprised. I thought you two would have -”
“Mom, please! Can we not talk about this?”
“Do you think it hurts?” Sehun asked vaguely that evening when he and Luhan sat on the floor to eat dinner. The furniture wasn't set up yet.
Luhan looked at him confusion. “What hurts?” he asked with his mouth full.
“It's just … my mom wanted me to promise her this afternoon that we would always use condoms and lube and … yeah …” Sehun tried to explain with blushing cheeks.
Luhan turned equally pink. “Oh.”
For a while neither could say a word.
“So, yeah …” Sehun eventually said. “I've been wondering. If it hurts.”
“I heard that it does. That you should … be prepared properly and stuff …”
“Looks like we have a lot to learn then …”
“Yes,” Luhan replied with a smirk.
“I haven't given the technicalities too much thought so far,” Sehun mused.
“Me neither,” the older admitted. “To be honest … I had always planned to only have sex after marriage because, well … you know why … But I said goodbye to that idea long ago. It's not like it's possible for me now, anyway.”
Sehun stared at the ground with a gloomy feeling in his tummy, well aware of the underlying message in Luhan's words. “I'm sorry.”
“It's not your fault,” Luhan stated. “It's the world we live in …”
~
Sehun pressed Luhan against the cold tiles of the shower wall while the warm water poured down on them.
Luhan gasped at the contradicting feeling. Sehun's hands were all over his body, caressing every centimeter.
Their dicks were fully erect and rubbing against each other, causing them to moan because of the pleasuring sensation. Their lips met in a hot kiss, their tongues dancing a lustful dance, devouring each with ravishing appetite.
Sehun's fingers were teasingly playing with Luhan's hard nipples, twisting and turning them.
The latter moaned deeply into the kiss. “Fuck, Hunnie …” He let his fingers claw into Sehun's back while the younger broke the kiss to continue torturing him with delightful nibbles and sucks on his neck.
Sehun brought a hand down to grab their dicks together and jack them off leisurely.
A shiver ran down Luhan's back and a keen whine escaped his lips.
He felt the hot air of Sehun's breath on his neck as the taller chuckled.
Their hips began thrusting into the fist that was moving up and down in a regular pace.
“Hunnie, please …” Luhan mewled. “Please go faster …”
“As you wish,” Sehun groaned and sped up his movements.
Their mouths promptly rejoined and they kissed away their breathlessness while gripping onto each other, knowing that even like this it wasn't close enough. They needed so much more. They needed to be even closer.
Luhan grabbed Sehun's ass cheeks and massaged them, causing the younger to elicit a sharp growl and squeeze their cocks even harder.
The older shivered in anticipation, feeling hotness building up in the low of his belly. “Hunnie, come on …” he demanded.
Sehun thumbed the crowns of their cocks for a while until he dropped to his knees and pressed Luhan's shifting hips against the cold wall again. He grabbed the red, proud length of his lover and licked across the head, glistening from precum.
Luhan yelped fervently, being caught completely off guard by Sehun's bold actions. “Goddammit, Sehunnie!”
The latter licked Luhan's cock up and down and place his tight grip at the base and then swallowed it as deep as he could. He bobbed his head, enjoying how much more ragged the other's breath got every second passing.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Luhan huffed. “Sehunnie, I think I'm gonna -”
Sehun retreated just in time when spurts of cum hit his face and Luhan voiced out a throaty moan. The younger continued jacking himself off until the other dropped to his knees as well and drew him into another ardent kiss, taking over the frantic movements on Sehun's still erect cock.
With Luhan quickly flicking his wrist, combined with the tugging and pulling of his teeth on Sehun's lips, it didn't take the latter long to cum. With a strangled moan he released into Luhan's moving hand, his vision blurring momentarily.
It took a while for their breaths to calm down. The water was soothing their over-stimulated bodies and washed away most of their cum. Some was still sticking on Sehun's cheek.
Luhan stared at his boyfriend in awe. “You're so damn beautiful,” he whispered and placed another chaste kiss on those lips he loved so much.
Sehun giggled lovingly.
“You look hot!” Sehun exclaimed when Luhan finally stepped out of the shower with a towel wound around his hips. Droplets of water were still glistening on his toned chest and stomach. The older had started working out some time ago and by now a result was already visible.
“I may look hot, but I'm freezing. Where's my bathrobe?” Luhan answered, trying to suppress a shiver.
“Over there!” Sehun pointed at the hooks on their bedroom door. “You always forget that, don't you?”
“Apparently.” The older walked over and slipped into the warm robe, slumping onto the couch next to Sehun who had already selected a movie for them to watch. It was, after all, a tradition they maintained. They still hadn't set up all of the furniture but the couch and TV were important.
“Sehunnie …” Luhan began then. “I've been thinking …”
“About what?”
“That you should finally tell me what sickness it was that you were having back then.”
Sehun gulped but didn't answer.
“It's not like I wanna pressure you to tell me something that you don't wanna talk about but … we live together now and … I know that whatever sickness it was, it is still affecting you. That you could have a relapse or whatever. And I need to know what it is that I might have to deal with.”
“I know …” Sehun muttered with droopy eyes.
“So will you tell me?”
Sehun sighed and nodded meekly. “It's just really hard for me to talk about, but yeah …”
“Why is it so hard for you?”
“Because I'm afraid.”
“Of what?”
“That you will leave me if you know …”
???
VII. A GLIMPSE OF HEAVEN
“Why would I leave you?” Luhan asked in confusion.
“I just … I'm not sure, okay?!” Sehun tried to explain desperately. “When I was still living in Busan I told a few friends about my illness, so that they knew. They listened but afterwards they slowly distanced themselves from me. It was too much for them to deal with …” He stared at the frozen TV screen with a hint of tears in the corner of his eyes.
Immediately Luhan's troubled mind calmed down. “Sehun … whatever you're gonna tell me, whatever it is that you are dealing with … I promise - … I swear that I am not going to leave you. I love you. Leaving when you are telling me something so important and then knowing what sort of hardship it is … I could never do that.” He shifted right next to his boyfriend who had his eyebrows frowned into worried wrinkles. With his index finger, Luhan stroked over them. “So, don't worry. I am here for you.”
Sehun took a deep breath. “Okay, then …”
Luhan looked at him expectantly. He didn't show it but deep down he felt nervous and anxious. Sehun had been careful to keep this stuff a secret from him until now. He wondered how bad it would be.
“I was born with weak vessel walls,” Sehun began. “In my case this weakness contributed to the sickness I got later on. My veins stretch a lot more than they should, especially when my blood pressure is high.” Sehun then stared at the bags that were still standing in the corner where he knew his pills were in. “That's why I have to take my pills. They are supposed to keep my blood pressure down over the day. Because if it gets too high over a long time it can become very dangerous for me. High blood pressure makes it easier for the veins to widen.”
Luhan listened attentively but right when Sehun started speaking, he knew that the boy's health issues would be far more complicated and severe than he expected. He didn't know what he thought Sehun would talk about, but this was truly not what he had in mind.
“When I was down with pneumonia my body was fighting a lot, it was weak and didn't get any proper medicine. And whereas that illness alone would have probably killed me on its own, that's not what happened. Because of the high blood pressure I was having at that point and the vessel weakness, a vein in my brain stretched and eventually … ripped. It's called an aneurysm. It doesn't always result in a bleeding in the brain, but in my case it did. It's kinda like a stroke. If a doctor finds these things in time they can be removed via operation. But it was too late for me. I was lucky enough that my … at that time teacher came by exactly then. I had already passed out when she found me. At least that's what she told me afterwards; I can't remember.”
Luhan felt a cold feeling creep into his body and claw at his guts. Such a severe sickness as a child … He couldn't even fathom the degree to which the little Sehun must have suffered back then.
“Anyway, she brought me to the hospital where they diagnosed my state and operated on me. They had to cut open my skull, but unfortunately it wasn't over after that. Even though I got treated rather quickly, the aneurysm had already caused some damage. The bleeding spread between my brain membrane and brain tissue, causing the fluids in my brain to not circulate properly and the pressure on my brain tissue to rise. Such a condition is called hydrocephalus. If it is left untreated for too long it causes you to die because the fluid and the blood literally press down on your brain and damage certain areas. Luckily, I was still in the hospital, so they could quickly treat me. Even though they had to send me to another facility first because not every clinic can treat a case like mine properly … It’s not something that many people suffer from.” Sehun sighed and stared at his fingers. They were shaking a little bit.
Luhan didn't know what to say. He had never heard of this illness before, and the details shocked him even more.
“To prevent something like this from happening in the future, they had to operate on me again,” Sehun continued. “They had to cut open my head and insert something called a shunt. That's basically a small hose from my brain to my stomach that allows the fluid and blood to flow off in case I have another aneurysm and the pressure in my skull rises again. The hose is beneath my skin and there is a little … uhm, valve here close to my right ear.” Sehun pointed at the area that Luhan remembered to be careful when touching. Now he understood why.
“That's about it for my condition,” Sehun mused. All the while he didn't dare to look Luhan in the eye. He was too afraid of perhaps having to see the utter fear and incomprehension in them. “Of course my brain was severely damaged after those operations and the bleeding. It took me very long to get back into life. I am so glad and thankful that my mom and dad adopted me and supported me and … just were the best people I could imagine in such a situation. I had to attend therapies for a long time. I had trouble memorizing stuff and was often very confused. I also had problems with my fine motor skills and had to relearn some of the stuff that seem natural for everyone else. But eventually I succeeded and I am very glad about that. I was able to enter middle school properly, even though I had some struggles at first because I missed out on so much during the three years I was out.”
“Three years?!” was the first thing that Luhan blurted out after not having said anything about the rest so far.
“Yes …” Sehun muttered sadly. “If my … begetter and birthgiver would have cared for me properly, all of that might not have ever happened.”
“Sehunnie, I am so sorry.”
“Well, it's not like I can change anything about it,” Sehun drew his knees up to himself and curled into a ball, leaning into Luhan. “The problem is just … I am still at a very high risk of getting an aneurysm again. I try to live healthy and do everything I can to prevent this from ever happening again, but I don't have any guarantees. And I really don't wanna go through such an excruciating time again. Back then, after I learned about my illness I still had those thoughts in my mind, you know - of all the ugly things that my parents had told me. I honestly thought that this was my punishment for existing and … I needed so much courage to turn against those thoughts and allow my new parents to help me and to accept them so that I could get better. Because that's what I thought back then. That God pushed me into this endless pit of suffering, and he wouldn't help me out. But my new parents did. And I made it out.”
Luhan gulped. His throat felt dry and anxiety paralyzed his limbs. He finally understood completely why the other thought the way he did. How he came to resent the idea of a benevolent Supreme Being. He understood, even though he personally still thought something different. Luhan saw the light of hope in Sehun's new parents, in the fact that the boy had been able to get up again.
Had he said that out loud, Sehun would have retorted that this good God of Luhan's must have rather fucked up morals if he thought it was okay to let a child suffer like this in the first place. But Luhan didn't say it out loud for he knew this discussion was the last thing Sehun needed right now.
“Hunnie …” the older whispered with fear-stricken voice. “What you just said … about maybe getting an aneurysm again … That can't kill you, can it?”
“Unfortunately it can.”
“But you said that you have this … shunt now …”
“That doesn't actually cure me. It's supposed to buy me valuable time in case I ever get an aneurysm again. I mean … I go to the doctor regularly to check if I develop any new ones and so far they haven't found any. But the doctors sometimes can't find them or they develop very quickly and then … they might rip again. If the pressure in my brain is rising, it won't happen as fast with the shunt as it usually would. Normally that condition could kill me very quickly. Like this I have a few hours left until someone can help me.”
“A few HOURS?” Luhan choked and his heart started thundering. He stared at the boy cuddled into his side and thought of him suffering, dying … Luhan couldn't bear it.
“Yeah …” Sehun confirmed. “I would first get a very strong headache, that's when the aneurysm rips and the bleeding starts. I would get dizzy and eventually faint. But to be honest … if I am out for that long I'm not sure if I would want anyone to save me.”
“Why not?” Luhan asked with a shaky voice.
“Because if … if I ever wake up then, I might not be the same person anymore. You see, Hannie … In such a case my brain would be under the pressure of the bleeding and the fluid for several hours. It would be very damaged. I doubt that I would ever be able to live a normal or at least somewhat decent life again after that. So in case something happens, it's important to get help very, very quickly. That would prevent a lot of possible brain damage from happening.”
“I see,” Luhan breathed and was silent for a while until he mustered up the courage to ask the question that was bothering him the most. “How likely is it that it happens again?”
“Hard to say,” Sehun admitted, “Probably fifty-fifty.”
And Luhan felt like he was losing ground.
The older looked at Sehun with a much different perspective from then on.
Of course, he didn't leave. Of course not.
On the contrary, he loved and cherished the younger even more if possible because Luhan could honestly admit that he never met any person in his life who was a strong as Sehun was. Luhan liked to think of himself as a positive person but deep down he knew, if he were in Sehun's shoes and had to live with such an atrocious past and a ticking time-bomb in his head that could destroy all his hopes and dreams, he wouldn't be able to keep up his attitude.
Luhan admired how Sehun still managed to stay as joyful as he was, as curious as he was and as optimistic. So the former swore to himself that he would protect the younger from everything that could harm him, to do everything possible so that Sehun wouldn't have to suffer through that same fate again, and to always stay by his side to support and love him.
Because he deserved it. He deserved it so, so much.
~
“We should have set the bed up first,” Sehun realized when they were done puffing up the cushions.
“Yeah, we should have,” Luhan agreed. “My back is still hurting from that darn thing that calls itself an air mattress.”
They both continued to unpack all their personal belongings to make this new apartment their home. At some point, Luhan also unpacked his beloved cross that he wanted to hang up at his side of the bed.
He felt Sehun's gaze boring into his back and he turned around.
Sehun was staring at the cross with wary eyes and twisted his lips into a scowl.
Luhan bit onto his lip. “I … I can hang it up, right?” he asked carefully.
Sehun hesitated for a moment. “Yeah … sure.”
Luhan nodded thankfully. While he was busy driving the nail for the cross into the wall he spoke again. “I think I finally understand why you don't believe in God. After what you told me yesterday … I mean I obviously still don't agree with you but … I get where you're coming from.”
Sehun stared at Luhan in amazement. It was the first time he ever heard such words coming from the brunette. Words that carried the hint of doubt or at least acceptance of doubt of his own position. He didn't know what to say because he was too surprised to think of a good answer.
“But I still wonder, though …” Luhan muttered. “How you come to live your life so confidently with everything that you have gone through without believing in anything. Because … I wouldn't be able to live like this.”
Sehun let out a short unbelieving laugh. “Who said that I don't believe in anything? I thought you would know me better by now …” He walked over and turned the working Luhan around to face him. “I believe in peace, family, generosity, affection … I believe in love …” He raised his arm to caress the smaller boy's cheek. “I believe in you …”
“Me?”
“Yes, you,” Sehun bent down a little to kiss the other on his lips. “I was so afraid that you would leave me after what I told you, that you wouldn't be able to handle it … yet still you are here. You have been here all along … I believe in you.”
Luhan couldn't describe the firestorm of emotions that broke loose within him when he heard those words. He knew they meant something important but couldn't figure out what exactly.
That night when Sehun had already fallen asleep next to him, Luhan turned to his newly hung up cross and prayed. He prayed every night, but this time his thoughts and feelings while doing so were much more intense than usual.
He prayed for Sehun to never get another aneurysm again. He prayed for them both two live a long, happy, healthy life. He prayed for his boyfriend to receive everything he wished for in his life. He had suffered so much - if someone deserved a bright future, it was him. He prayed for himself to stay understanding, loving and supporting of Sehun.
Luhan was so happy right now, lying in his own home, far from his mother's antics, next to the boy he loved who was so cute when he hugged him in his sleep. Luhan didn't want to lose this happiness - ever.
~
2 years later:
“It looks so weird when you're sucking my dick with that hair color,” Luhan stated.
Sehun looked up, his lips stretched around the girth of his lover's cock and raised an eyebrow while his newly dyed blonde hair fell into his eyes.
“What?” Luhan asked. “It's true; all this time I had this black mop of hair bobbing down there and now suddenly it's blonde. Like, what?”
Sehun angrily released the red, erect cock from his mouth with a plop. “Luhan, either you shut up or you can literally go fuck yourself.”
“Aw, c'mon! Noooo!” Luhan whined. “I didn't say it looks bad, just weird.”
“And …? What is your point …?”
“Nothing, forget it! Get back down there. You can't leave me like this!”
“Oh, I'm pretty sure I can!” Sehun grabbed the base of the other's cock and squeezed a little too hard.
“Hrngh,” Luhan growled in the back of his throat. “Fuck, sorry. I swear I'm gonna shut up. Now get down there again and move your pretty ass up here.”
“Fine,” Sehun chuckled and placed his knees next to both sides of Luhan's head. He got back to licking the other's proud length up and down again, letting his tongue play with the prominent head and slightly grazing over the shaft with his teeth.
Luhan hissed sharply and grabbed Sehun's ass harshly, causing the younger to yelp. The older pulled the luscious butt cheeks down to him and buried his head between. He licked over the quivering, rosy hole in fat stripes and sucked on the awaiting rim.
Sehun's limbs started shivering and shaking. He was starting to lose his balance. The sensations were too much for him. All the while he continuously moved his head up and down, trying to take in as much of Luhan's dick as he could. In between he moved down further with his lips and nibbled and sucked on the tight, swollen balls.
Luhan had trouble keeping his hips from thrusting upwards. He knew Sehun didn't like those surprise attacks. Instead the older concentrated on eating out the hot cavern in front of him. He slicked him up as well as he could because that was all the lube he would get. He couldn't wait to shove his dick into the velvety tightness.
Luhan flipped Sehun around swiftly so that the younger now laid on his back and his disheveled state was openly sprawled out in front of Luhan's greedy eyes. Sehun's chest was heaving up and down and sweat made his sculpted frame shimmer in the dim light of the bedroom.
Sehun had grown taller over the last few years and his shoulders got even broader compared to when Luhan first met him. Back then Sehun had only been a little taller than him. Now he would tower over the older when they were both standing and his back was honestly big enough for a plane to land on it.
But that wouldn't stop Luhan from fucking Sehun into the sheets if it was his turn to top. And today it was.
Luhan crawled over the younger for his lips to hover above the other's.
When their mouths met in an all-consuming, passionate kiss, Luhan grabbed Sehun's shaky legs and entered him in one swift move.
Sehun groaned loudly into the kiss. “Fuck, Lu …” He gripped onto the latter's back and scratched down when Luhan promptly began thrusting rhythmically into him.
Luhan on the other hand moaned throatily when he felt the nails scratching over his skin and began kissing down Sehun's jawline and his beautiful neck. His kissed and licked and sucked and nibbled until he left red marks to show everyone that Sehun was his and his alone. He grabbed the younger's hips to be able to better thrust into him.
And - oh! - Sehun took his dick with so much grace. Every time the older's cock glided in again his eyelids flickered and he let out those small, little moans that Luhan loved so much. Sehun's body responded fully to the quick and forceful pace that Luhan dictated and moved to meet him on his way, causing them to clash with such power that Sehun swore he saw stars exploding at the edge of his sight every single time.
Sehun opened his eyes that he had closed before to enjoy every of Luhan's touches better, and pushed Luhan back to sit himself on the standing erection right away again.
“Fuck!” he screeched when Luhan's dick hit his sweet spot dead on. Glowing fire burned up in every cell of his body.
Luhan got the hint and pressed his feet on the mattress to jab harshly again and again.
Sehun felt like he was losing every attachment to the world around. All he could feel was Luhan thrusting into him in all the right ways. He weakly tried to ride Luhan a little on his own but he was too swept away by the many fervent sensations.
Luhan fully enjoyed the view that Sehun was offering him while he kept on moaning at the tight, hot and soft walls of Sehun's that kneaded his cock. He loved seeing him like this … Eyes glazed over with lust, expression twisting into masks of ardent need, body trembling and winding.
All these years he had been hoping, praying, wishing for God to find him worthy of sending him to heaven after he died. But now … now Luhan was wondering whether he had found heaven already - in the form of the young man sitting on top of him in his sweaty, stunning, magnificent, glorious state of self, moaning with the voice of an angel. If he could only ever be with Sehun like this he wouldn't need anything else. Only this.
He grabbed the younger's neglected and erect length.
Sehun keened loudly.
Luhan rubbed up and down, thumbing over the crown.
Sehun finally joined in with Luhan's rhythm and humped downwards.
Their movements grew more and uncontrolled and erratic. Luhan thrusts became sloppy and Sehun grabbed his own dick too. He felt the orgasm build up within him and so did Luhan. Chasing their own release, their lips met again.
“Luhan, Luhan, Luhan …” Sehun moaned into the kiss.
A last powerful stroke from Luhan and Sehun came with a loud moan between them, the sound resounding in the room. He tightened his walls around Luhan who spurted his load in Sehun with a husky growl.
Immediately, strength left Sehun's body and he collapsed on Luhan, who embraced the quivering body frame into his arms and buried his nose in the actually very sexy-looking blonde hair. “I love you so frickin' much, do you know that?” he huffed.
Sehun snickered breathlessly. “I love you too,” he whispered and kissed Luhan's neck softly.
Sehun had fallen asleep in his arms and now Luhan spent his time adoring the sight of him. He softly traced the perfect features with his fingers and once in a while placed a soft kiss on the cheeks, nose and forehead.
He hoped that Sehun was having nice dreams. Sometimes the latter would wake up in the middle of the night, having a terrible nightmare where the demons of his past had tortured him again. Luhan would gladly spend all night comforting and distracting him.
Luhan prayed again as he did every night. He prayed for the best for them. He prayed for the best for Sehun, for him to be healthy, to be happy, to be carefree.
Luhan was still so incredibly happy to be able to live with Sehun. There was so much love in him that he sometimes felt like he would burst from it. He prayed for this feeling to never stop.
???
VIII. HARBORING ILLUSIONS
“Jongin broke up with his girlfriend,” Luhan stated after a quick look at the text message he got from his best friend of many years.
“Again?” Sehun raised an eyebrow and placed the two cups filled with steaming coffee on the breakfast table.
“No, it was another one this time.”
“Bruh … I can't keep up with this guy's affairs. Seriously, how many girlfriends has he had in this year alone?”
“What can I say? I am slowly losing track, too …”
“Remember the one who slapped him right across the face once?” Sehun mused and chuckled at the memory. They had gone to a Halloween party in Hongdae about one and a half years ago when Jongin had accompanied them. His girlfriend caught him making out drunkenly with another woman.
“Ha! Yeah …” Luhan snickered and went over to the toaster to get their bread. “He deserved it though.”
“Yeah, he did.” Sehun sat down and grabbed the glass of strawberry marmalade. “He always hooks up with these super nice and pretty girls and then he fucks it up. I wonder if he'll ever learn.”
“I think we'll have to wait for a long time before he gets it,” Luhan spread the marmalade on his toast and folded it in half a little agitatedly. “I mean, you should be glad that you're not the one who has to deal with him every time he gets drunk and wallows in his misery again. Luhaaaan, how come you are so happy and I am so unhappy? Tell meeeee!” He rolled his eyes.
Sehun giggled. “Jongin really said that?”
“Yeah, countless times. I tell him every time it's his own fault that he is so miserable but he just doesn't get it.”
They ate their breakfast in silence until Sehun remembered what he wanted to ask the older. “By the way, Hannie … who was it that called so early in the morning?”
“Uh …” Luhan groaned. “My mother.”
“Of course,” Sehun sighed. “Who else would call at that hour. What did she want?”
“A few years ago my uncle started building a church here in Seoul. It's finished now. She wants me to attend the opening liturgy on Sunday.”
“I see …”
“I'm not exactly keen on going there. It means I have to see all my relatives again and I'm just so not in the mood for that … But yeah, I gotta go. Otherwise I would risk my parents coming here and dragging me out by my feet.”
“Yeah, okay. Of course you gotta go then.”
“I mean, I'm just so glad that everything worked out until now, so I don't wanna risk them finding out.”
“Luhan, I understand,” Sehun responded softly.
“It's just, it will probably take all day. The liturgy will start in the morning and they planned some big celebration after that and whatnot … So I will probably come home in the evening.”
“It's okay, I'm gonna spend my time studying then, I guess. I've got a test on Monday anyway.”
~
Luhan woke Sehun up, who was still soundly sleeping despite the rays of sunlight that enlightened the room already. “Wake up, sleepyhead,” Luhan singsonged.
Sehun stirred awake with a groan and blinked cutely.
Luhan almost cooed at the sight.
“Uhhh … Luhan, why you gotta wake me up at this time?” the younger mumbled sleepily. “And why are you wearing a suit?”
“I gotta go to church, remember? It's Sunday …” Luhan knelt down next to the bed and caressed Sehun's cheek.
“Oh yeah, right …” the latter mumbled and enjoyed being pampered.
“I just wanted to say goodbye.”
“Okay, see you later then. Shall I buy us something from McDonald's when I come home?”
“Sounds good,” Sehun muttered and closed his eyes again. “I'm just gonna go back to sleep …”
“Fine,” Luhan chuckled. “I'm gonna text you later, okay?”
“Yup.”
Luhan stood up and gave Sehun a big smooch on his forehead. “Have nice dreams, sleepyhead. Love you.”
“Love you too,” Sehun mumbled.
Luhan walked to the wardrobe, grabbed his jacket and left.
When he was sitting in church that day, surrounded by his relatives and homophobic parents, Luhan for the first time felt like a church was actually the wrong place for him to be. He had always felt at home in churches. It was where he could sense an even stronger connection to God, where it was almost tangible for him. But not today.
He felt as if he could do ten thousand things better than sitting here and listening to his uncle talking up front at the podium. Luhan just felt utterly confused because actually … these people were supposed to be praising God, but all they did was praising themselves for their oh-so-great achievements that Luhan deemed to be of so little worth. They talked about how this church was supposed to be a home for love and God but Luhan could feel neither of it in here. Luhan's love and God had to be at some other place as it seemed …
After the liturgy ended Luhan stepped out and felt relieved to breathe in fresh air. The church was poorly ventilated and the air got so stuffy after a while.
He pulled out his phone to text his boyfriend.
>hey you awake already? ^^<
>that was the most boring sunday service i ever attended<
>didn't know that going to church could be so lame<
>text me when you're awake<
Luhan put his phone back into the pocket of his pants and followed his mother's calls to get in the car with her.
They went to an expensive looking, western restaurant. Apparently his uncle had reserved a whole wing just for them.
When he walked inside, Luhan was in awe for a short moment when he saw the chic red carpets on the floor and chandeliers dangling from the ceiling. Velvety curtains hung around the big windows that allowed the guests to enjoy a great view of the Han River.
Something that his uncle had said during his speech crossed Luhan's mind. About God loving the poor. How ironic.
Luhan pulled out his phone again. No reply yet.
Well, it wasn't even noon yet. Sehun was probably still sleeping.
>sehunnie … are you awake now? .-.<
>you haven't been replying me ;;<
>i hope you got your phone on loud because you should wake up now<
>you said you wanted to study for your test tomorrow<
>sehunnie … it's afternoon and you still haven't replied me<
>i'm getting worried<
>for fuck's sake sehun look at your goddamn phone<
>i can't go home yet<
>plz reply me<
>sehunnie it's 4pm now and you still haven't replied or even read any of my texts yet<
>i'm really worried now<
>my mother is kinda suspicious already, she keeps on asking me who i'm texting all the time<
>i don't want her to find out<
>sehunnie plz don't scare me like this<
>ok sehunnie<
>i'm in panic now<
>i'm coming home<
>i don't care if anyone finds out<
Luhan ran.
He ran like never before in his life. As soon as the taxi came to a stop, he bolted out of the car and dashed into his and Sehun's apartment building.
He stumbled up the stairs with shaking fingers, hands, knees, legs, shaking body.
His heart was thundering in fear.
Please be okay, please be okay, please be okay, please be okay, please be okay!, was the mantra that was replaying in his head over and over again.
Sehun hadn't been replying him all day long and Sehun never did that. The younger usually had his phone within an arm's length. He usually responded quickly with two hours delay at most.
So now, Luhan was shaking. Sehun should have messaged him long ago. It was also a way for Luhan to know that the younger was fine, that nothing happened.
But he didn't … but he didn't … but he didn't answer.
Luhan knew what it meant and he prayed to God and everyone else who might be able to help that it was all just a stupid coincidence. That Sehun's phone broke or whatever …
But fear was sitting in his throat, making it hard for Luhan to breathe while his fingers gripped around the handrail with force until his knuckles turned white.
Luhan stormed towards the door of his apartment and barged through the door as soon as he opened it.
“Sehun!?” he screamed. “Where are you?”
Then he saw them. The legs behind the table, lying on the floor.
…
“SEHUN!”
???
Part 4