#152: Take Me To Paradise: Part One
Originally posted by selubrationmod at #152: Take Me To Paradise: Part One
From: Anonymous until reveals
Title: Take Me To Paradise
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 31,000
Summary: Sehun finds his paradise in a lover and Luhan needs to lose faith in his own to see what really matters.
Warning/s: smut, anti-religious themes, past!abuse, rimming
My church offers no absolutes
She tells me, "Worship in the bedroom."
The only heaven I'll be sent to
Is when I'm alone with you
I was born sick
But I love it
- Hozier, Take Me To Church
Soundtrack: 1. Ejecta - Afraid Of The Dark // 2. Zella Day - Compass // 3. TEEMID & Jasmine Thompson - Take Me To Church (Edit) // 4. Houses - Beginnings // 5. Yubin feat. Jo Hyuna - Who Am I // 7. Ariana Grande - Why Try // 8. Little Dragon - Twice // 9. Tove Lo - Scream My Name
???
I. WHAT IS PARADISE?
What is paradise?
Like with so many other concepts, people happen to have very different ideas about this rather obscure and subjective idea. Though it is generally considered a place or state of pure happiness and joy far from all worries and troubles, different people may also have different perceptions.
But overall these perceptions can be separated into two big groups.
Considering one group … Well, nobody could ever proof that paradise exists. However, many people choose to believe in it. They need this idea for comfort and hope that one day - one day - their faith will prove to be well-placed.
The other group has a perception that revolves around the idea that a paradise can be something very realistic, something that you can achieve within your lifetime. It is commonly connected to values like love, friendship and kindness - but these may vary as well.
To emphasize this discrepancy, let's look at Luhan and Sehun as examples.
~
Luhan is part of the first group. He sincerely believes that being kind, generous and … simply a good person is the way to reach paradise in the afterlife. He's a Christian, so in this case the word heaven may also apply. This mindset didn't come up on its own - he obviously has his reasons to think so. First of all, he was raised into this belief. His parents are devout church-goers, so naturally he would be, too.
But aside from that, Luhan really thought the concept through for himself as well. He is thoroughly convinced that his way of living and believing is the right thing to do. Responsible for this is an unfortunate encounter during his time in elementary school, which culminated in his irrevocable faith.
To him, God is always there, like a protective halo surrounding him, his family, his friends - generally everyone that he was fond of - and also everyone that he deems as good and deserving. Luhan knew that he wasn't in the position to judge people over who was actually deserving or not but well, he was still a child when it happened and he probably couldn't comprehend the situation and his own feelings fully back then. This infamous event took place when he was in fourth grade. He had volunteered to help out the students of the theater group with the preparations for their play in a few days since some of his friends were involved, and it was always nice to spend time with them anyway. After the work was done, he left the school building later than usual.
That was when he heard a familiar voice crying for help. He didn't even hesitate and immediately ran in the direction of the screams.
There he saw two tall bullies from the grade above punching his friend Jongin - who was already lying on the ground - repeatedly in the face. The poor boy shouted again that someone should help him please.
Luhan grew so angry in the matter of seconds that he didn't even think about the consequences when he ran forward to push the assholes from his friend at full tilt.
“Leave him alone!” He had roared and helped Jongin scurry behind him. At that time the latter had been a lot smaller than Luhan and thankfully cowered behind the back of his savior.
The bullies, startled for a moment, instantly went furious again and spat at Luhan's feet.
“And there we have our next volunteer!” One of them snarled after they had gotten back on their feet.
Threateningly, they stepped closer to Luhan.
The boy felt Jongin shivering and sobbing behind him, but he didn't step away or back down. He was not afraid. Since he was sent to school almost a year later than other children his age, he could keep up very well with the fifth graders and often towered over his friends from the same grade.
The bully who seemed to be the boss stood face to face with Luhan and twisted his face into an angry grimace.
“Leave him alone!” Luhan hissed again and squinted his eyes.
Blam! There went the fist into his stomach and Luhan couldn't breathe for a second. When he had collected himself he screamed in rage and punched the bully right back in the face.
Chaos ensued.
Luhan was trying to defend himself against the two attackers. While he managed to land some good punches, he got hit in the face a few times so that he quickly got dizzy and started to lose his orientation.
“Luhan! Look out!” Jongin's shrill voice cut through the dazedness and Luhan dodged a punch that probably would have knocked him out. He swiftly kicked the boss in the shin and the other one got his arm twisted around painfully until he let out a short scream.
Luhan didn't waste any time and grabbed Jongin's wrist to drag him away before the bullies could get up again. “Come!” he huffed.
They ran over the school yard together and didn't stop until they reached the street that they both lived on.
Jongin's home was situated right next to Luhan's so naturally they had always known each other and had been the “bestest friends”, as Jongin liked to say.
“You look awful, Luhan!” Jongin noted when they examined the damage done to their faces for the first time.
“You too,” Luhan replied. “My mother will flip everything when she sees me like this …” He sighed.
“I hope mine doesn't,” Jongin said warily. “Good luck to you. And thank you.” He dropped his gaze to the ground.
Luhan's lips stretched into a grin. “You don't have to thank me. You're my friend, Jongin. I would do it again anytime.”
“Thank you,” the younger muttered again and smiled weakly.
“Don't let them get to you!” Luhan smiled and ruffled Jongin's hair. “Now go home, while I try not to be eaten alive.”
Unfortunately though, that was almost what happened.
Luhan's mother was enraged when she spotted his black eye, cut lip and bleeding nose. How dare her impeccable son indulge in something as churlish as brawling? She shouted at Luhan that he should be ashamed of himself. This wasn't how she taught him to behave. This wasn't how the church taught him to behave.
Angrily, Luhan escaped to his room and stared at the cross hanging above his bed. He did that a lot when he couldn't cope with overwhelming emotions.
“She's wrong,” he mumbled grimly. “I didn't even have the chance to tell her what actually happened. Those bullies deserved to get their butts kicked. They have been trying to get to Jongin a few times before and now they actually dared to punch him even though they had two people. And were older. And stronger. And taller. It's not fair. They deserved it. I mean … I'm right, aren't I?” Luhan stared at the cross questioningly.
He sent a short prayer to heaven and asked God for forgiveness for acting so violent and pleaded to banish those bullies from his and Jongin's life. And also that his mother may understand.
Not even an hour had passed before his prayers started coming true.
His mother silently knocked on his door and stepped in to apologize to him. She explained that Jongin's mom just came over to thank Luhan for helping Jongin. Then the boy got hugged by her and praised for being so brave and courageous.
Two days later Luhan heard that the two bullies apparently got expelled from school for attacking a younger student so deviously. He felt so relieved hearing these news - and so did Jongin.
At that moment Luhan was convinced that he had been right and that God really must have forgiven him - if there ever had been anything that needed to be forgiven in the first place.
Through this event and its consequences, Luhan established two very important things.
One, the reputation of being a great friend. He would defend and stand up for everyone who was close to him, help those who needed it and punish the ones who deserved it.
And two, his conviction with the fact that there had to be a loving and just God who cared about the weak and good people, and punished those who decided to inflict harm on them. Nobody would receive something they didn't deserve. Good people would go to heaven, bad people to hell or, at least, needed to suffer for a long time to make up for their wrongdoings.
Even now, at the age of nineteen, Luhan is still sure that he is on the right side. He is one of the good people. And he wants to continue that path for the rest of his life. He will act like he learned it from the God whom he loves so much and who seems to love him so much in return as well. He will continue to help and stand up for those who needed it and will continue to fight against those who want to do evil.
And one day - one day - Luhan will get to see the paradise.
~
Sehun on the other hand has very different ideas. He is part of the second group.
He doesn't believe in an afterlife or a paradise that would fall into this category. The reason is that he doesn't believe in God.
Even though he comes from a devout Christian family as well, he was forced to realize very early in his life that God doesn't exist. And if he exists, he most certainly doesn't love Sehun. Or he doesn't care, at least. Thus, anything connected to the idea of God or any religion that works this way is automatically as absurd to him as the existence of God himself.
Sehun often comes across people who can't imagine how it is possible for him to live without something like the belief in a higher power. They ask him if he doesn’t feel helpless like this, if he doesn’t lack orientation. They claim it is just a phase, that he is too young to understand it, that one day he will feel the need for God to come and help him. They claim that faith has the power to be tremendously helpful and supportive if he ever were to get caught in a desperate situation.
However, Sehun had been caught in one too many desperate situations to buy into anything of the contradicting babble anymore. Despite being only eighteen years old, he had already lived through more than most people would ever in their lives. He didn't need anyone to tell him that he was just immature and indecisive, that he lacked experience.
And concerning the helplessness… Sehun had never felt more helpless than when he looked back at all the things he was forced to go through with the thought of a so-called loving God in mind. Thus, he preferred to cross that last point out of the equation completely. Life was so much easier for him to handle like that.
But did that mean that Sehun was heartless? No.
He loved and valued his family and everyone who had been helpful to him along the way.
Did it mean he was unfair and unjust? Also no.
It was just that he had accepted the fact, that life itself wasn't fair and just. Good things happened to bad people, bad things happened to good people. Life didn't care whether you deserved something or not - it just happened.
Did it mean that he had no hope and will to live? Definitely not.
His will to live was greater than anything else. Because he knew that death would be the end.
But did he think that something like a paradise could exist in this life?
Yes.
Yes, he did.
???
II. THE GOSPEL CHOIR
Luhan and Sehun's first meeting was rather cliché.
It was the beginning of Luhan's senior year. To him that meant spending one last year together with his friends, having fun, enjoying his youth, but also learning a lot. Finals were right ahead and he had big plans.
He definitely wanted to enter one of the SKY-Universities next year.
It also meant that the freshmen started again and it would be fun to lead them around the school and show them all the places. Not that there were many.
Luhan lived in a small, sleepy town where people all seemed to know each other - a deeply religious community. Thus, the local high school wasn't that big either and offered only few and barely exciting extracurricular activities. But this couldn't keep Luhan from enjoying his life.
Because why wouldn't he? He had many good friends, some of them very good. His family lived in a nice house, his parents loved him, he was popular, the teachers thought highly of him and he had good grades. At school he got to play soccer for the school's team and he was also part of the gospel choir. A few years ago he had discovered that he really enjoyed singing, and combining it with something that his congregation could profit from - why not?! So altogether, Luhan's life was fine. More than fine, in fact. There wasn't a thing that was actually worth complaining about.
Luhan sat in his first class for the day, carefully readjusting his tie while waiting for his math teacher to arrive. Mrs Nam wasn't exactly fond of students who dared to wear their uniforms carelessly.
Jongin next to him groaned. “I'm so not in the mood for math right now!”
“Don't worry. Me neither.”
“And why does it have to be her again? Why can't we get Mr Baek from the other course, too?”
Luhan sighed. The only real downside of going to such a small school, as far as Luhan could tell, was that you were bound to have every teacher more than once, including the ones that you didn't like. “She's taking a long time today. Isn't she always super punctual?” He stared at the clock. Five minutes late.
Finally the door opened and the old lady walked in with rigid steps, followed by what appeared to be the reason for her delay. It turned out to be a tall and lanky student that Luhan had never seen at this school before, and he knew basically everyone.
“Good morning, class!” The teacher greeted. “Before we start with anything else, this is a new student here at our school. He will finish the senior year here together with you. He just moved, so please welcome him and help him out, okay?”
Some students nodded, Luhan being one of them. Others just stared at the newbie with blatant curiosity.
“Could you maybe introduce yourself?” Mrs Nam asked him.
“Hello, my name is Oh Sehun,” he began with a soft, almost shy voice that seemed to contradict his outstanding sharp and serious-looking features. “I'm eighteen years old. I moved here from Busan together with my family because my mother got a new job as a teacher at the elementary school. I hope we'll get along well.” He bowed and elegantly slid towards the only free table in the last row.
So, he's a year younger, too … Luhan wasn't surprised. He always had been the oldest in his grade. However, it still seemed a little strange because this Sehun guy simply looked older than many others in this course - including Luhan himself.
Luhan couldn't help but to turn around and glance at the newcomer. Sure, a whole bunch of freshman started today too, but he knew all of them already. It didn't happen very often that someone moved to this town, so everyone who did was automatically a person of interest.
Sehun had broad shoulders and his countenance displayed constant boredom. He diligently noted what the teacher said but didn't seem all too impressed overall. Luhan couldn't blame him. If the guy moved here from Busan he was probably used to more … action. Luhan also noticed the fashionably styled black hair and how the top button of his shirt was unbuttoned. He was surprised that Mrs Nam hadn't said anything about it.
Oh Sehun gave off an odd vibe that Luhan couldn't pin-point. But the latter knew instantly that there was something different about this boy. There was some sort of aura surrounding the latter that was close to a bad-boy image but not quite. Instead something more brooding, something more secretive, something more sincere took its place.
All the while Sehun of course noticed how the students' eyes had penetrated him to a degree that he started feeling uncomfortable. But one pair of eyes in particular … the boy with the brown, fluffy mop of hair on his head a few rows in front of him … He turned around a tad too often even after the teacher started her lesson and the other students were back to concentrating. Sehun thought that this boy probably didn't realize how rude it was to stare at him so openly.
It made him feel exposed. He didn't like it.
However, as uneventful as their first encounter had been, their second one wasn't.
~
After his boring first lesson Sehun was on the way to his newly assigned locker, deep in thought.
He missed his old school already. He missed the friends that he managed to make over the last few years. He missed how free and unobtrusive the big city was. He had always had been able to easily and comfortably live his life.
But he also knew that there wasn't any other way. He could not possibly expect his mom or dad to drive a total of six hours back and forth every time he had to do another check-up. This place was so much closer to the clinic and his mom even found a job here. Obviously the choice had been made at that point already.
However, even though he knew of the advantages of the small town, he still couldn't help but begin to despise it. It had already started when he saw the advertisements in front of the local church for weekly Sunday worship on his way to town in the car. At that point he had already known that he, of all people, just had to end up in that sort of town.
Sehun just hoped that he would able to live on peacefully and that people at least allowed others some privacy.
He stocked his books in his locker and pulled out the ones for his next lesson - Biology.
When he closed the door, a certain mop of brown hair suddenly popped up next to him and Sehun flinched in surprise.
“Oh, sorry!” the other boy said and grinned. “I didn't mean to scare you.”
“It's okay …” Sehun muttered.
“Well … Hello! I'm Luhan,” the older introduced himself pleasantly. “I am in your Math class …”
“Yes, I saw you …” Sehun mumbled. “You were staring at me the whole time.”
“Oh, uhm, sorry!” Luhan's cheeks blushed slightly in embarrassment. “I was just … curious. And now I just wanted to say hello because, well … you're new and all.”
“That's … nice. Thank you,” Sehun actually didn't want to answer so brusquely but Luhan's persona was basically all over the place. It bubbled out of his big, sparkly eyes and ran over Sehun's thoughts for a short moment.
“Most students here, me included, are in some clubs. So maybe I could help you to make friends,” the other suggested gleefully.
“Thanks for the offer,” Sehun originally wanted to end the conversation right then and there because he really didn't want to end up being talked into some sort of club that he didn't actually want to join, and then have to come up with half-assed lies later on when he had to skip meetings or whatever. However, he also noted that Luhan seemed like a perfectly nice guy - and a very helpful one at that. So maybe he shouldn't shut out the students here right from the start. They may very well be decent people. So eventually he asked, “What clubs do you have here?”
“Well, you could join the soccer team or basketball team or -”
“Nothing that has to do with sports, please.”
“Oh!” Luhan's pink lips formed a surprised, round 'O'. “Well …”
“Do you maybe have something like a … I don't know … photography club or something?” Sehun asked carefully.
Luhan smiled apologetically. “I'm afraid we're not that sophisticated …”
“I see …” Sehun uttered and wanted to go to his next class then when Luhan spotted the book in his arms.
A joyful smile spread on Luhan's lips. “I got Biology now, too. Let's go together. Do you know where the room is?”
“Uhm, no …” Sehun admitted. He again felt so swept away by the other boy's exuberant nature.
“Follow me!” Luhan laughed and walked forward with a spring in his step.
Sehun doddered behind him, kind of uncomfortable with the whole situation.
“Oh!” Luhan suddenly exclaimed shortly before they reached the classroom.
“What is it?”
“You could join the gospel choir! There are a lot of people in there. I'm sure you could make some friends there! I'm in it, too.” Luhan seemed very pleased with his suggestion.
“Ah … gospel choir … errr … thanks, but no. I don't think that's for me, either,” Sehun tried to explain and failed.
“Don't worry, you don't have to sing well. Many people don't sing that well. We just have a good time and sing the songs and stuff …”
“That's not it,” Sehun attempted again and inwardly scolded himself. This was exactly the reason why he would rather have dodged the whole conversation. “I just don't like … gospel …”
“Oh!” Luhan sounded a little disappointed. “Is it because of the music style?”
Why couldn't Luhan just let it be and accept Sehun's answer? Why did he have to keep on asking? “No, I … just don't believe in God.”
“Oh …” Luhan now breathed as if he had heard that sentence for the first time in his life. Perhaps, Sehun thought, that was exactly the case. “M-May I ask why?” was the question that immediately followed.
Sehun wanted to groan loudly. He knew this would happen. “I have my reasons,” he grunted, well aware that his voice sounded a lot more unfriendly all of a sudden.
“Well, maybe …” Luhan began, as he seemed to have calmed down from the apparent shock quickly. “… We could show you some ways to God or some of his teachings, if you want to …”
“No, thanks.” Sehun had to really contain himself at the moment to not get completely angry. “Like I said, I don't believe. I have my reasons.”
“I guess …” Luhan muttered, but wasn't willing to give up. Even though he somehow noticed that Sehun wanted to end their talk, he just felt like he needed to share all his positive experiences with God. He didn't want to pressure anybody into anything. It was just … Luhan felt very happy and content in his state as a believer, so at that moment he couldn't really fathom why someone else wouldn't want to achieve that same happiness. “Well, I don't know your exact reasons, but maybe … if you read the Bible - there are some very enlightening sequences in there. Accepting God in your life can be very fulfilling and comforting, you know …”
This time Sehun actually groaned. “No! Thanks!” he repeated emphatically. His voice had gotten a little louder, too. “I have no interest in finding God, I have no interest in you showing me God, I have no interest in a gospel choir and in fact I did read the Bible. All of it. Sufficiently. And I have no intention to ever do it again. So please, leave me alone, I do not want to listen to your religious babble. And now excuse me, I think the lesson will start any moment.” Angrily he pushed his way past Luhan who seemed too startled at the outburst and bumped into the latter's shoulder purposefully to get in the classroom. He didn't want to sit in the back again.
Until the teacher came and asked him what's up, Luhan couldn't bring himself to move. Sehun's angered words had shocked him more than he thought they would. And they made him feel incredibly uncomfortable.
To make the situation even worse, he ended up sitting next to Sehun in this class, since he hadn't tried to secure himself another seat early enough, and the only place left was next to the bitter newbie who seemed as displeased with this arrangement as Luhan himself.
Sehun just grunted in an annoyed manner and scurried his chair a few centimeters away from the older boy.
The new school year was already starting off great.
~
“Have you heard? A new family moved into town,” Luhan's mother asked him while she set the table for dinner.
“Yes, mom. Their son is in some of my classes,” he said.
“They're weird!” His mother exclaimed in a flippant manner. “I met the woman in the bakery today. I just wanted to be nice and friendly and invited her to our Sunday worship. Guess what? She doesn't go to church!” She wrinkled her nose and shot a quick look at her husband who was sitting on the sofa, reading the newspaper. “Honey, have you perhaps met the man?”
Luhan's father looked up for a moment and muttered an absentminded “No, sweetie …” and continued reading.
“What about you, Luhan? How is their son?” his mother asked - a little prejudiced already.
“He's … also weird,” Luhan muttered and thought about the last lesson that they - almost - shared together.
Everyone was sitting in the sports hall, waiting for the lesson to begin, when Sehun walked in. He still hadn't changed his clothes and held a slip of paper in his hands. The teacher had looked at him questioningly and then accepted the slip that Sehun offered him, which turned out be some obscure excuse note as to why the latter wasn't allowed to participate in sports lessons at all. The teacher had read through it quickly and Luhan definitely had seen his eyes widen for moment and then a slightly pitifully smile being given to Sehun alongside with an acceptance of the excuse. Sehun had bowed and quickly left the hall.
It was still weird to Luhan. Of course, sometimes you couldn't participate in the sports lessons because you … broke your leg or whatever, but an excuse for the whole year …? That was definitely strange.
Luhan's mother let out an indignant huff and sat down to eat. “Maybe you should stay away from their son … They're weird!” she said again and pinched her chopsticks so aggressively on the tteok that it slipped out of her grasp. She huffed again.
Luhan couldn't find sleep that evening. He felt rather bothered by his encounter with Sehun.
Of course, Luhan knew of people who didn't believe. After all, they made up quite a big portion of Korea's society. But in the small town where he lived, the vast majority of people were Christians and since he had rarely spent time outside this place, he was never really exposed to attitudes that seemed to contradict his own so drastically.
He wondered what Sehun meant by having his reasons not to believe.
Luhan couldn't possible imagine what could have enough impact on someone's personality to cause such a mindset. He didn't want to admit it since Luhan liked to proclaim that he was accepting and loving of different humans and opinions but this newbie being a non-believer irked him more than he let on.
In the dark he turned his view towards the cross above his bed and prayed that whatever seemed to have such a negative effect on Sehun to please disappear.
The latter seemed to carry around something heavy with him. He seemed too cautious all day when Luhan saw him, too serious, too seasoned and too … callous maybe? No, that wasn't the right word … Maybe too … marked … yeah, that was the right word.
Sehun seemed marked.
Luhan had noticed how he avoided certain groups of people today - just like he wanted to avoid Luhan - how he tried to be friendly but only on a professional sort of level, how he seemed to not engage in anything that was not required … All of this convinced Luhan that Sehun must have had some sort of negative experience that had marked him.
And so Luhan prayed. He wanted to help Sehun. He wanted to show him the comfort that God could give him, just like he gave it to Luhan.
~
“How was your day at school?” Sehun's mom asked the boy.
“So-so …” Sehun muttered while dropped on the chair at the lunch table.
“You don't sound too excited …” she stated with a mildly concerned expression. “Did something happen?”
“No, no. The teachers are attentive and friendly,” Sehun quickly explained.
“And the other students …?”
“They are … acceptable. They were nice and … welcoming.”
Sehun's mom, of course, noted the grimace the young man had twisted his mouth into, even though he tried to hide it. “What is it, Sehun?”
The latter sighed. “One of them asked me today whether I would like to join the gospel choir.”
When she heard it, his mom already had an idea where this conversation was heading. “Well, he was probably trying to be nice, right …?” she asked carefully.
“Probably …” Sehun murmured. “I declined the offer, but … well, he just wouldn't stop annoying me with it. I said I don't believe in God and then he pestered me even more. Gosh …” Sehun sighed and rested his face into his palms.
“Oh, Sehunnie,” his mom said comfortingly and rubbed his shoulder. “You know how these people are … Maybe you could just avoid him next time. He doesn't know you or your past … What sort of insight could you possibly expect from him?”
Sehun sighed again and stabbed an egg angrily with his chopsticks. “Yeah, I know. I know. But it's just … Why can't these people never accept no for an answer?”
???
III. FEELING FEAR
Obviously it was very difficult for both Luhan and Sehun to avoid each other since they had the majority of their classes together and in Biology, they were even forced be seatmates.
Said Biology class also turned out to be their doom in another way.
One week into the new school year, the teacher Mr Nam announced that all seatmates had to pair up to work on a big presentation towards the summer that would make up a third of their grade.
Sehun wanted to groan when he heard that and Luhan shifted on his chair uncomfortably. They were both so not in the mood for dealing with the other at that point, and especially not when it concerned a topic as intriguing as neuronal information processing.
Some other students complained vociferously about the seatmate arrangements, but the teacher made clear that he wouldn't accept any group changes.
Neither Luhan nor Sehun were up for blowing it with Mr Nam, since the man was quite strict, so they grudgingly accepted their unfortunate situation in silence. Hopefully they would be able to stand each other for the time being.
When the lesson ended Luhan was deep in thought, pondering how he was supposed to approach Sehun.
He didn't have something against the latter personally and he still wanted give him the help that he - in Luhan's opinion - needed but on the other hand … he felt very reluctant, because everything about Sehun went against his religion and questioned his state as a believer. He wasn't sure whether he'd be able to put up with it again. Thus, so far he had stuck to what his mother told him: staying away from Sehun.
But now with the upcoming project, he wouldn't have any choice but to keep in contact with the younger boy.
For his own good, Sehun had tried to avoid Luhan at all costs. Luckily, the other tried to do the same, so no other encounters happened during the last week.
Sehun realized with a hint of regret that his words must have hit Luhan hard. The boy never wanted to run over the older in such a way. But if someone just wouldn't let him be that was all he could do.
While he packed his bags he wondered what he could possibly say to Luhan after their last conversation. He didn't want to mess up the project, so he probably should not provoke another fight.
Simultaneously the both of them turned around to speak and promptly they interrupted what the other had to say. Awkward silence ensued.
“Uhm …” began Luhan with slight blush on his cheeks. “I just wanted to ask … about how we're gonna do that project.”
“Yeah … me too,” Sehun muttered with an equally pinkish shade coloring his face.
“Do you … have time someday?”
“Yes. I usually have a lot of free time … We could meet today, if you wanna.”
“That's fine by me. Where?”
“Well … you could come to my place. It's still a little messy because we just moved but it'll be comfortable and pretty silent. My mom isn't coming until the late evening.”
“I'm not sure …” Luhan mused. He knew he had irked Sehun in an unpleasant way last time. He didn't want to repeat that. “I don't want to impose on your privacy too much.”
“It'll be fine.” Sehun tried a weak smile. “We're just gonna work on the project after all, right?”
“Right.”
“Good.” Sehun grabbed his bag from the floor and swung it over his shoulder. “We'll see each other after class. At the main entrance?”
“That's fine.”
“Good.” Sehun hurried away, glad that he could finish off this talk without erupting into another angry rant.
Luhan on the other was, despite his relief over having avoided another confrontation, caught in state of conflict. He didn't feel all too well with the thought of having to visit Sehun at his home. Why didn't he suggest the library or something? Dammit!
~
“So … here we are,” Sehun mumbled after he opened up the door to his home.
Much to his amazement, Luhan found the younger to be living in the old and spacious house that was located in the city center. After the previous owner died, the house had been vacant for a couple of years since it was quite expensive and nobody was interested in spending that much money. So it was very surprising to see that the new kid seemed to be living here from now on. It meant that his family had to be pretty well off.
Luhan silently followed the younger into the building just like he had been during the whole way here. He slipped out of his shoes and looked around the hallway that led into a big living room.
Some of the walls hadn't been painted yet and a few cardboard boxes were still stacked in a corner.
“Are you sure it's okay if I come here already?” Luhan asked insecurely.
“Sure, sure. It's fine,” Sehun waved it off. “So … Do we wanna get started?”
“Okay,” Luhan muttered and followed Sehun to the sofa where he dropped down on the soft cushioning.
Sehun went to the bordering kitchen and brought a carafe filled with water and two glasses. “In case you're thirsty …” he explained.
“Thanks,” Luhan murmured and wished the awkwardness that had been hovering above them the whole day to just disappear. He grabbed his notes from class and spread them on the table.
From the corner of his eye Luhan witnessed how Sehun poured himself a glass and drew a box of pills out of the pocket of his jeans. He put it in his mouth and downed it in one go.
Luhan felt curiosity tingling in him. He wanted to know what sort of pill that was, but he knew he wasn't in the position to ask such questions now. But still … he was curious …
Surprisingly Luhan and Sehun managed to spend the next hour peacefully. As long as they concentrated on their school work they both knew they could avoid any sort of tension. They were also amazed to see how well they were able to work together. They assigned each other certain topics to research about and were even able to set up a full schedule to work through until the presentation.
However, that was the point where everything started going downhill and their effort went down the drain.
Sehun cleared his throat and said something along the lines of him going upstairs to get his notebook and some pencils to write down what he had to do.
Luhan nodded and sat there waiting for Sehun to come back down.
But he didn't come back.
Luhan was waiting and waiting. He drank a glass of water. He pointlessly looked around the room. But Sehun didn't come back down.
After some time the boy was tired of waiting and walked towards the stairs. “Sehun?” he called out. “Are you done?”
No answer.
“Do you need help looking?” Maybe he lost his stuff in the mess of the relocation.
Still no answer.
With a disquieting feeling in his stomach Luhan slowly stepped up the stairs. What was going on?
He didn't know which one Sehun's room was but one of them had the door opened wide and he heard heavy breathing coming from that direction.
Luhan gulped and walked towards what he knew could be nothing good.
When he stepped in he saw Sehun sitting on his bed, his chest heaving frantically, his hair disheveled and his face rested in his hands.
Luhan felt his heart dropping out of his chest. “Sehun! Are you okay?” he exclaimed.
Slowly the latter lifted his head and stared at Luhan with reddened eyes. “What are you doing here?” he hissed viciously.
Luhan tumbled back a few steps in shock. He didn't expect Sehun to react so aggressive. “I'm sorry. You weren't coming down. So I got worried and came looking for you.”
“I mean …” Sehun pressed through his teeth, “… what are you doing in my house?!”
“Huh?” Luhan's eyes grew to the size of saucers. “W-What …?” he stammered.
“What are you doing in my house?” Sehun shouted again and stood up to glare at Luhan threateningly who stumbled back another few scared steps.
“Yo-You- … We were working on the biology project. Don't you … remember?” Luhan whimpered, not comprehending the situation at all. What was happening with Sehun?
At Luhan's words the younger's tense shoulders suddenly slackened and the older swore he could see the other's gaze clearing up. A shiver ran through the younger and he looked at Luhan with panic in his eyes.
“Oh no …” he mumbled incoherently. “Gosh … I- … I'm so sorry …” Sehun ran forward and pushed past Luhan to disappear into the bathroom.
The door slammed shut and Luhan jumped at the sound. He took a second to recollect himself, then he ran after Sehun.
“Hey!” he screamed and knocked the door. “What was that supposed to be? Open the door!”
“Please go!” he heard Sehun shouting from the inside with a teary voice. “I'm sorry, but please go!”
“Not as long as you haven't given me an explanation for that stunt just now! You shout at me and scare me and now you run away? Are you kidding me?” Luhan ranted.
“Please just go, Luhan. Please go!” Sehun sobbed with a muffled voice.
“No! I want -”
“GET OUT!” Sehun roared finally and made Luhan step back from the door, startled from the loudness.
Well … Luhan figured that some nasty shit had to be going on here. If Sehun wanted to be alone now … Fine! But Luhan would get back to receive an explanation.
With a grumpy face he lumbered down the stairs and roughly packed his bag to storm out of the building.
Just so you wait, Oh Sehun! You do not get to treat me like this, he thought and hurried home where he threw himself on the bed with his headphones on to blast some loud rock songs and ignored his mother who looked at him in confusion.
After all, Luhan never acted like this. As far as she knew, the boy was usually a good-tempered person.
~
With shaking fingers Sehun dialed his mom's number.
“Sehun!” she answered with a concerned voice already. “Are you alright?”
“No,” he sobbed. “Mom … it happened again. A classmate was over. We wanted to work on a presentation. And I forgot. I just completely forgot …”
“I'm coming home, Sehun,” his mom answered promptly and he heard shifting noises on the other end of the phone. “Are you okay at the moment?”
“I'm better now.”
“Good. We'll be going to the doctor right away. I don't care how many special patients he has set for today. I told him it was urgent and we moved here for a reason.”
Sehun huffed a few times. “I'm scared, mom. I want to be able to go to a normal school. And especially not now in the last school year -”
“Sh-sh-sh,” she interrupted him when she heard his voice growing more hysterical. “You'll be fine, my child. I will take care of everything, don't worry.”
“Okay,” Sehun hiccupped.
“I'll be home in a few minutes. Calm down. We'll get help.”
“Okay.”
“I'll call your dad, too. We will need him here now.”
“Okay.”
“Everything will be fine.”
“Yes …” Sehun murmured. He knew his parents would do their very best to help him. “I'm just so scared that it will happen again.”
“I know, Sehun. I know.” She hung up and Sehun was left alone again with his gnawing fear and growing desperation.
What did he do to deserve this?
???
Part 2
From: Anonymous until reveals
Title: Take Me To Paradise
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 31,000
Summary: Sehun finds his paradise in a lover and Luhan needs to lose faith in his own to see what really matters.
Warning/s: smut, anti-religious themes, past!abuse, rimming
My church offers no absolutes
She tells me, "Worship in the bedroom."
The only heaven I'll be sent to
Is when I'm alone with you
I was born sick
But I love it
- Hozier, Take Me To Church
Soundtrack: 1. Ejecta - Afraid Of The Dark // 2. Zella Day - Compass // 3. TEEMID & Jasmine Thompson - Take Me To Church (Edit) // 4. Houses - Beginnings // 5. Yubin feat. Jo Hyuna - Who Am I // 7. Ariana Grande - Why Try // 8. Little Dragon - Twice // 9. Tove Lo - Scream My Name
???
I. WHAT IS PARADISE?
What is paradise?
Like with so many other concepts, people happen to have very different ideas about this rather obscure and subjective idea. Though it is generally considered a place or state of pure happiness and joy far from all worries and troubles, different people may also have different perceptions.
But overall these perceptions can be separated into two big groups.
Considering one group … Well, nobody could ever proof that paradise exists. However, many people choose to believe in it. They need this idea for comfort and hope that one day - one day - their faith will prove to be well-placed.
The other group has a perception that revolves around the idea that a paradise can be something very realistic, something that you can achieve within your lifetime. It is commonly connected to values like love, friendship and kindness - but these may vary as well.
To emphasize this discrepancy, let's look at Luhan and Sehun as examples.
~
Luhan is part of the first group. He sincerely believes that being kind, generous and … simply a good person is the way to reach paradise in the afterlife. He's a Christian, so in this case the word heaven may also apply. This mindset didn't come up on its own - he obviously has his reasons to think so. First of all, he was raised into this belief. His parents are devout church-goers, so naturally he would be, too.
But aside from that, Luhan really thought the concept through for himself as well. He is thoroughly convinced that his way of living and believing is the right thing to do. Responsible for this is an unfortunate encounter during his time in elementary school, which culminated in his irrevocable faith.
To him, God is always there, like a protective halo surrounding him, his family, his friends - generally everyone that he was fond of - and also everyone that he deems as good and deserving. Luhan knew that he wasn't in the position to judge people over who was actually deserving or not but well, he was still a child when it happened and he probably couldn't comprehend the situation and his own feelings fully back then. This infamous event took place when he was in fourth grade. He had volunteered to help out the students of the theater group with the preparations for their play in a few days since some of his friends were involved, and it was always nice to spend time with them anyway. After the work was done, he left the school building later than usual.
That was when he heard a familiar voice crying for help. He didn't even hesitate and immediately ran in the direction of the screams.
There he saw two tall bullies from the grade above punching his friend Jongin - who was already lying on the ground - repeatedly in the face. The poor boy shouted again that someone should help him please.
Luhan grew so angry in the matter of seconds that he didn't even think about the consequences when he ran forward to push the assholes from his friend at full tilt.
“Leave him alone!” He had roared and helped Jongin scurry behind him. At that time the latter had been a lot smaller than Luhan and thankfully cowered behind the back of his savior.
The bullies, startled for a moment, instantly went furious again and spat at Luhan's feet.
“And there we have our next volunteer!” One of them snarled after they had gotten back on their feet.
Threateningly, they stepped closer to Luhan.
The boy felt Jongin shivering and sobbing behind him, but he didn't step away or back down. He was not afraid. Since he was sent to school almost a year later than other children his age, he could keep up very well with the fifth graders and often towered over his friends from the same grade.
The bully who seemed to be the boss stood face to face with Luhan and twisted his face into an angry grimace.
“Leave him alone!” Luhan hissed again and squinted his eyes.
Blam! There went the fist into his stomach and Luhan couldn't breathe for a second. When he had collected himself he screamed in rage and punched the bully right back in the face.
Chaos ensued.
Luhan was trying to defend himself against the two attackers. While he managed to land some good punches, he got hit in the face a few times so that he quickly got dizzy and started to lose his orientation.
“Luhan! Look out!” Jongin's shrill voice cut through the dazedness and Luhan dodged a punch that probably would have knocked him out. He swiftly kicked the boss in the shin and the other one got his arm twisted around painfully until he let out a short scream.
Luhan didn't waste any time and grabbed Jongin's wrist to drag him away before the bullies could get up again. “Come!” he huffed.
They ran over the school yard together and didn't stop until they reached the street that they both lived on.
Jongin's home was situated right next to Luhan's so naturally they had always known each other and had been the “bestest friends”, as Jongin liked to say.
“You look awful, Luhan!” Jongin noted when they examined the damage done to their faces for the first time.
“You too,” Luhan replied. “My mother will flip everything when she sees me like this …” He sighed.
“I hope mine doesn't,” Jongin said warily. “Good luck to you. And thank you.” He dropped his gaze to the ground.
Luhan's lips stretched into a grin. “You don't have to thank me. You're my friend, Jongin. I would do it again anytime.”
“Thank you,” the younger muttered again and smiled weakly.
“Don't let them get to you!” Luhan smiled and ruffled Jongin's hair. “Now go home, while I try not to be eaten alive.”
Unfortunately though, that was almost what happened.
Luhan's mother was enraged when she spotted his black eye, cut lip and bleeding nose. How dare her impeccable son indulge in something as churlish as brawling? She shouted at Luhan that he should be ashamed of himself. This wasn't how she taught him to behave. This wasn't how the church taught him to behave.
Angrily, Luhan escaped to his room and stared at the cross hanging above his bed. He did that a lot when he couldn't cope with overwhelming emotions.
“She's wrong,” he mumbled grimly. “I didn't even have the chance to tell her what actually happened. Those bullies deserved to get their butts kicked. They have been trying to get to Jongin a few times before and now they actually dared to punch him even though they had two people. And were older. And stronger. And taller. It's not fair. They deserved it. I mean … I'm right, aren't I?” Luhan stared at the cross questioningly.
He sent a short prayer to heaven and asked God for forgiveness for acting so violent and pleaded to banish those bullies from his and Jongin's life. And also that his mother may understand.
Not even an hour had passed before his prayers started coming true.
His mother silently knocked on his door and stepped in to apologize to him. She explained that Jongin's mom just came over to thank Luhan for helping Jongin. Then the boy got hugged by her and praised for being so brave and courageous.
Two days later Luhan heard that the two bullies apparently got expelled from school for attacking a younger student so deviously. He felt so relieved hearing these news - and so did Jongin.
At that moment Luhan was convinced that he had been right and that God really must have forgiven him - if there ever had been anything that needed to be forgiven in the first place.
Through this event and its consequences, Luhan established two very important things.
One, the reputation of being a great friend. He would defend and stand up for everyone who was close to him, help those who needed it and punish the ones who deserved it.
And two, his conviction with the fact that there had to be a loving and just God who cared about the weak and good people, and punished those who decided to inflict harm on them. Nobody would receive something they didn't deserve. Good people would go to heaven, bad people to hell or, at least, needed to suffer for a long time to make up for their wrongdoings.
Even now, at the age of nineteen, Luhan is still sure that he is on the right side. He is one of the good people. And he wants to continue that path for the rest of his life. He will act like he learned it from the God whom he loves so much and who seems to love him so much in return as well. He will continue to help and stand up for those who needed it and will continue to fight against those who want to do evil.
And one day - one day - Luhan will get to see the paradise.
~
Sehun on the other hand has very different ideas. He is part of the second group.
He doesn't believe in an afterlife or a paradise that would fall into this category. The reason is that he doesn't believe in God.
Even though he comes from a devout Christian family as well, he was forced to realize very early in his life that God doesn't exist. And if he exists, he most certainly doesn't love Sehun. Or he doesn't care, at least. Thus, anything connected to the idea of God or any religion that works this way is automatically as absurd to him as the existence of God himself.
Sehun often comes across people who can't imagine how it is possible for him to live without something like the belief in a higher power. They ask him if he doesn’t feel helpless like this, if he doesn’t lack orientation. They claim it is just a phase, that he is too young to understand it, that one day he will feel the need for God to come and help him. They claim that faith has the power to be tremendously helpful and supportive if he ever were to get caught in a desperate situation.
However, Sehun had been caught in one too many desperate situations to buy into anything of the contradicting babble anymore. Despite being only eighteen years old, he had already lived through more than most people would ever in their lives. He didn't need anyone to tell him that he was just immature and indecisive, that he lacked experience.
And concerning the helplessness… Sehun had never felt more helpless than when he looked back at all the things he was forced to go through with the thought of a so-called loving God in mind. Thus, he preferred to cross that last point out of the equation completely. Life was so much easier for him to handle like that.
But did that mean that Sehun was heartless? No.
He loved and valued his family and everyone who had been helpful to him along the way.
Did it mean he was unfair and unjust? Also no.
It was just that he had accepted the fact, that life itself wasn't fair and just. Good things happened to bad people, bad things happened to good people. Life didn't care whether you deserved something or not - it just happened.
Did it mean that he had no hope and will to live? Definitely not.
His will to live was greater than anything else. Because he knew that death would be the end.
But did he think that something like a paradise could exist in this life?
Yes.
Yes, he did.
???
II. THE GOSPEL CHOIR
Luhan and Sehun's first meeting was rather cliché.
It was the beginning of Luhan's senior year. To him that meant spending one last year together with his friends, having fun, enjoying his youth, but also learning a lot. Finals were right ahead and he had big plans.
He definitely wanted to enter one of the SKY-Universities next year.
It also meant that the freshmen started again and it would be fun to lead them around the school and show them all the places. Not that there were many.
Luhan lived in a small, sleepy town where people all seemed to know each other - a deeply religious community. Thus, the local high school wasn't that big either and offered only few and barely exciting extracurricular activities. But this couldn't keep Luhan from enjoying his life.
Because why wouldn't he? He had many good friends, some of them very good. His family lived in a nice house, his parents loved him, he was popular, the teachers thought highly of him and he had good grades. At school he got to play soccer for the school's team and he was also part of the gospel choir. A few years ago he had discovered that he really enjoyed singing, and combining it with something that his congregation could profit from - why not?! So altogether, Luhan's life was fine. More than fine, in fact. There wasn't a thing that was actually worth complaining about.
Luhan sat in his first class for the day, carefully readjusting his tie while waiting for his math teacher to arrive. Mrs Nam wasn't exactly fond of students who dared to wear their uniforms carelessly.
Jongin next to him groaned. “I'm so not in the mood for math right now!”
“Don't worry. Me neither.”
“And why does it have to be her again? Why can't we get Mr Baek from the other course, too?”
Luhan sighed. The only real downside of going to such a small school, as far as Luhan could tell, was that you were bound to have every teacher more than once, including the ones that you didn't like. “She's taking a long time today. Isn't she always super punctual?” He stared at the clock. Five minutes late.
Finally the door opened and the old lady walked in with rigid steps, followed by what appeared to be the reason for her delay. It turned out to be a tall and lanky student that Luhan had never seen at this school before, and he knew basically everyone.
“Good morning, class!” The teacher greeted. “Before we start with anything else, this is a new student here at our school. He will finish the senior year here together with you. He just moved, so please welcome him and help him out, okay?”
Some students nodded, Luhan being one of them. Others just stared at the newbie with blatant curiosity.
“Could you maybe introduce yourself?” Mrs Nam asked him.
“Hello, my name is Oh Sehun,” he began with a soft, almost shy voice that seemed to contradict his outstanding sharp and serious-looking features. “I'm eighteen years old. I moved here from Busan together with my family because my mother got a new job as a teacher at the elementary school. I hope we'll get along well.” He bowed and elegantly slid towards the only free table in the last row.
So, he's a year younger, too … Luhan wasn't surprised. He always had been the oldest in his grade. However, it still seemed a little strange because this Sehun guy simply looked older than many others in this course - including Luhan himself.
Luhan couldn't help but to turn around and glance at the newcomer. Sure, a whole bunch of freshman started today too, but he knew all of them already. It didn't happen very often that someone moved to this town, so everyone who did was automatically a person of interest.
Sehun had broad shoulders and his countenance displayed constant boredom. He diligently noted what the teacher said but didn't seem all too impressed overall. Luhan couldn't blame him. If the guy moved here from Busan he was probably used to more … action. Luhan also noticed the fashionably styled black hair and how the top button of his shirt was unbuttoned. He was surprised that Mrs Nam hadn't said anything about it.
Oh Sehun gave off an odd vibe that Luhan couldn't pin-point. But the latter knew instantly that there was something different about this boy. There was some sort of aura surrounding the latter that was close to a bad-boy image but not quite. Instead something more brooding, something more secretive, something more sincere took its place.
All the while Sehun of course noticed how the students' eyes had penetrated him to a degree that he started feeling uncomfortable. But one pair of eyes in particular … the boy with the brown, fluffy mop of hair on his head a few rows in front of him … He turned around a tad too often even after the teacher started her lesson and the other students were back to concentrating. Sehun thought that this boy probably didn't realize how rude it was to stare at him so openly.
It made him feel exposed. He didn't like it.
However, as uneventful as their first encounter had been, their second one wasn't.
~
After his boring first lesson Sehun was on the way to his newly assigned locker, deep in thought.
He missed his old school already. He missed the friends that he managed to make over the last few years. He missed how free and unobtrusive the big city was. He had always had been able to easily and comfortably live his life.
But he also knew that there wasn't any other way. He could not possibly expect his mom or dad to drive a total of six hours back and forth every time he had to do another check-up. This place was so much closer to the clinic and his mom even found a job here. Obviously the choice had been made at that point already.
However, even though he knew of the advantages of the small town, he still couldn't help but begin to despise it. It had already started when he saw the advertisements in front of the local church for weekly Sunday worship on his way to town in the car. At that point he had already known that he, of all people, just had to end up in that sort of town.
Sehun just hoped that he would able to live on peacefully and that people at least allowed others some privacy.
He stocked his books in his locker and pulled out the ones for his next lesson - Biology.
When he closed the door, a certain mop of brown hair suddenly popped up next to him and Sehun flinched in surprise.
“Oh, sorry!” the other boy said and grinned. “I didn't mean to scare you.”
“It's okay …” Sehun muttered.
“Well … Hello! I'm Luhan,” the older introduced himself pleasantly. “I am in your Math class …”
“Yes, I saw you …” Sehun mumbled. “You were staring at me the whole time.”
“Oh, uhm, sorry!” Luhan's cheeks blushed slightly in embarrassment. “I was just … curious. And now I just wanted to say hello because, well … you're new and all.”
“That's … nice. Thank you,” Sehun actually didn't want to answer so brusquely but Luhan's persona was basically all over the place. It bubbled out of his big, sparkly eyes and ran over Sehun's thoughts for a short moment.
“Most students here, me included, are in some clubs. So maybe I could help you to make friends,” the other suggested gleefully.
“Thanks for the offer,” Sehun originally wanted to end the conversation right then and there because he really didn't want to end up being talked into some sort of club that he didn't actually want to join, and then have to come up with half-assed lies later on when he had to skip meetings or whatever. However, he also noted that Luhan seemed like a perfectly nice guy - and a very helpful one at that. So maybe he shouldn't shut out the students here right from the start. They may very well be decent people. So eventually he asked, “What clubs do you have here?”
“Well, you could join the soccer team or basketball team or -”
“Nothing that has to do with sports, please.”
“Oh!” Luhan's pink lips formed a surprised, round 'O'. “Well …”
“Do you maybe have something like a … I don't know … photography club or something?” Sehun asked carefully.
Luhan smiled apologetically. “I'm afraid we're not that sophisticated …”
“I see …” Sehun uttered and wanted to go to his next class then when Luhan spotted the book in his arms.
A joyful smile spread on Luhan's lips. “I got Biology now, too. Let's go together. Do you know where the room is?”
“Uhm, no …” Sehun admitted. He again felt so swept away by the other boy's exuberant nature.
“Follow me!” Luhan laughed and walked forward with a spring in his step.
Sehun doddered behind him, kind of uncomfortable with the whole situation.
“Oh!” Luhan suddenly exclaimed shortly before they reached the classroom.
“What is it?”
“You could join the gospel choir! There are a lot of people in there. I'm sure you could make some friends there! I'm in it, too.” Luhan seemed very pleased with his suggestion.
“Ah … gospel choir … errr … thanks, but no. I don't think that's for me, either,” Sehun tried to explain and failed.
“Don't worry, you don't have to sing well. Many people don't sing that well. We just have a good time and sing the songs and stuff …”
“That's not it,” Sehun attempted again and inwardly scolded himself. This was exactly the reason why he would rather have dodged the whole conversation. “I just don't like … gospel …”
“Oh!” Luhan sounded a little disappointed. “Is it because of the music style?”
Why couldn't Luhan just let it be and accept Sehun's answer? Why did he have to keep on asking? “No, I … just don't believe in God.”
“Oh …” Luhan now breathed as if he had heard that sentence for the first time in his life. Perhaps, Sehun thought, that was exactly the case. “M-May I ask why?” was the question that immediately followed.
Sehun wanted to groan loudly. He knew this would happen. “I have my reasons,” he grunted, well aware that his voice sounded a lot more unfriendly all of a sudden.
“Well, maybe …” Luhan began, as he seemed to have calmed down from the apparent shock quickly. “… We could show you some ways to God or some of his teachings, if you want to …”
“No, thanks.” Sehun had to really contain himself at the moment to not get completely angry. “Like I said, I don't believe. I have my reasons.”
“I guess …” Luhan muttered, but wasn't willing to give up. Even though he somehow noticed that Sehun wanted to end their talk, he just felt like he needed to share all his positive experiences with God. He didn't want to pressure anybody into anything. It was just … Luhan felt very happy and content in his state as a believer, so at that moment he couldn't really fathom why someone else wouldn't want to achieve that same happiness. “Well, I don't know your exact reasons, but maybe … if you read the Bible - there are some very enlightening sequences in there. Accepting God in your life can be very fulfilling and comforting, you know …”
This time Sehun actually groaned. “No! Thanks!” he repeated emphatically. His voice had gotten a little louder, too. “I have no interest in finding God, I have no interest in you showing me God, I have no interest in a gospel choir and in fact I did read the Bible. All of it. Sufficiently. And I have no intention to ever do it again. So please, leave me alone, I do not want to listen to your religious babble. And now excuse me, I think the lesson will start any moment.” Angrily he pushed his way past Luhan who seemed too startled at the outburst and bumped into the latter's shoulder purposefully to get in the classroom. He didn't want to sit in the back again.
Until the teacher came and asked him what's up, Luhan couldn't bring himself to move. Sehun's angered words had shocked him more than he thought they would. And they made him feel incredibly uncomfortable.
To make the situation even worse, he ended up sitting next to Sehun in this class, since he hadn't tried to secure himself another seat early enough, and the only place left was next to the bitter newbie who seemed as displeased with this arrangement as Luhan himself.
Sehun just grunted in an annoyed manner and scurried his chair a few centimeters away from the older boy.
The new school year was already starting off great.
~
“Have you heard? A new family moved into town,” Luhan's mother asked him while she set the table for dinner.
“Yes, mom. Their son is in some of my classes,” he said.
“They're weird!” His mother exclaimed in a flippant manner. “I met the woman in the bakery today. I just wanted to be nice and friendly and invited her to our Sunday worship. Guess what? She doesn't go to church!” She wrinkled her nose and shot a quick look at her husband who was sitting on the sofa, reading the newspaper. “Honey, have you perhaps met the man?”
Luhan's father looked up for a moment and muttered an absentminded “No, sweetie …” and continued reading.
“What about you, Luhan? How is their son?” his mother asked - a little prejudiced already.
“He's … also weird,” Luhan muttered and thought about the last lesson that they - almost - shared together.
Everyone was sitting in the sports hall, waiting for the lesson to begin, when Sehun walked in. He still hadn't changed his clothes and held a slip of paper in his hands. The teacher had looked at him questioningly and then accepted the slip that Sehun offered him, which turned out be some obscure excuse note as to why the latter wasn't allowed to participate in sports lessons at all. The teacher had read through it quickly and Luhan definitely had seen his eyes widen for moment and then a slightly pitifully smile being given to Sehun alongside with an acceptance of the excuse. Sehun had bowed and quickly left the hall.
It was still weird to Luhan. Of course, sometimes you couldn't participate in the sports lessons because you … broke your leg or whatever, but an excuse for the whole year …? That was definitely strange.
Luhan's mother let out an indignant huff and sat down to eat. “Maybe you should stay away from their son … They're weird!” she said again and pinched her chopsticks so aggressively on the tteok that it slipped out of her grasp. She huffed again.
Luhan couldn't find sleep that evening. He felt rather bothered by his encounter with Sehun.
Of course, Luhan knew of people who didn't believe. After all, they made up quite a big portion of Korea's society. But in the small town where he lived, the vast majority of people were Christians and since he had rarely spent time outside this place, he was never really exposed to attitudes that seemed to contradict his own so drastically.
He wondered what Sehun meant by having his reasons not to believe.
Luhan couldn't possible imagine what could have enough impact on someone's personality to cause such a mindset. He didn't want to admit it since Luhan liked to proclaim that he was accepting and loving of different humans and opinions but this newbie being a non-believer irked him more than he let on.
In the dark he turned his view towards the cross above his bed and prayed that whatever seemed to have such a negative effect on Sehun to please disappear.
The latter seemed to carry around something heavy with him. He seemed too cautious all day when Luhan saw him, too serious, too seasoned and too … callous maybe? No, that wasn't the right word … Maybe too … marked … yeah, that was the right word.
Sehun seemed marked.
Luhan had noticed how he avoided certain groups of people today - just like he wanted to avoid Luhan - how he tried to be friendly but only on a professional sort of level, how he seemed to not engage in anything that was not required … All of this convinced Luhan that Sehun must have had some sort of negative experience that had marked him.
And so Luhan prayed. He wanted to help Sehun. He wanted to show him the comfort that God could give him, just like he gave it to Luhan.
~
“How was your day at school?” Sehun's mom asked the boy.
“So-so …” Sehun muttered while dropped on the chair at the lunch table.
“You don't sound too excited …” she stated with a mildly concerned expression. “Did something happen?”
“No, no. The teachers are attentive and friendly,” Sehun quickly explained.
“And the other students …?”
“They are … acceptable. They were nice and … welcoming.”
Sehun's mom, of course, noted the grimace the young man had twisted his mouth into, even though he tried to hide it. “What is it, Sehun?”
The latter sighed. “One of them asked me today whether I would like to join the gospel choir.”
When she heard it, his mom already had an idea where this conversation was heading. “Well, he was probably trying to be nice, right …?” she asked carefully.
“Probably …” Sehun murmured. “I declined the offer, but … well, he just wouldn't stop annoying me with it. I said I don't believe in God and then he pestered me even more. Gosh …” Sehun sighed and rested his face into his palms.
“Oh, Sehunnie,” his mom said comfortingly and rubbed his shoulder. “You know how these people are … Maybe you could just avoid him next time. He doesn't know you or your past … What sort of insight could you possibly expect from him?”
Sehun sighed again and stabbed an egg angrily with his chopsticks. “Yeah, I know. I know. But it's just … Why can't these people never accept no for an answer?”
???
III. FEELING FEAR
Obviously it was very difficult for both Luhan and Sehun to avoid each other since they had the majority of their classes together and in Biology, they were even forced be seatmates.
Said Biology class also turned out to be their doom in another way.
One week into the new school year, the teacher Mr Nam announced that all seatmates had to pair up to work on a big presentation towards the summer that would make up a third of their grade.
Sehun wanted to groan when he heard that and Luhan shifted on his chair uncomfortably. They were both so not in the mood for dealing with the other at that point, and especially not when it concerned a topic as intriguing as neuronal information processing.
Some other students complained vociferously about the seatmate arrangements, but the teacher made clear that he wouldn't accept any group changes.
Neither Luhan nor Sehun were up for blowing it with Mr Nam, since the man was quite strict, so they grudgingly accepted their unfortunate situation in silence. Hopefully they would be able to stand each other for the time being.
When the lesson ended Luhan was deep in thought, pondering how he was supposed to approach Sehun.
He didn't have something against the latter personally and he still wanted give him the help that he - in Luhan's opinion - needed but on the other hand … he felt very reluctant, because everything about Sehun went against his religion and questioned his state as a believer. He wasn't sure whether he'd be able to put up with it again. Thus, so far he had stuck to what his mother told him: staying away from Sehun.
But now with the upcoming project, he wouldn't have any choice but to keep in contact with the younger boy.
For his own good, Sehun had tried to avoid Luhan at all costs. Luckily, the other tried to do the same, so no other encounters happened during the last week.
Sehun realized with a hint of regret that his words must have hit Luhan hard. The boy never wanted to run over the older in such a way. But if someone just wouldn't let him be that was all he could do.
While he packed his bags he wondered what he could possibly say to Luhan after their last conversation. He didn't want to mess up the project, so he probably should not provoke another fight.
Simultaneously the both of them turned around to speak and promptly they interrupted what the other had to say. Awkward silence ensued.
“Uhm …” began Luhan with slight blush on his cheeks. “I just wanted to ask … about how we're gonna do that project.”
“Yeah … me too,” Sehun muttered with an equally pinkish shade coloring his face.
“Do you … have time someday?”
“Yes. I usually have a lot of free time … We could meet today, if you wanna.”
“That's fine by me. Where?”
“Well … you could come to my place. It's still a little messy because we just moved but it'll be comfortable and pretty silent. My mom isn't coming until the late evening.”
“I'm not sure …” Luhan mused. He knew he had irked Sehun in an unpleasant way last time. He didn't want to repeat that. “I don't want to impose on your privacy too much.”
“It'll be fine.” Sehun tried a weak smile. “We're just gonna work on the project after all, right?”
“Right.”
“Good.” Sehun grabbed his bag from the floor and swung it over his shoulder. “We'll see each other after class. At the main entrance?”
“That's fine.”
“Good.” Sehun hurried away, glad that he could finish off this talk without erupting into another angry rant.
Luhan on the other was, despite his relief over having avoided another confrontation, caught in state of conflict. He didn't feel all too well with the thought of having to visit Sehun at his home. Why didn't he suggest the library or something? Dammit!
~
“So … here we are,” Sehun mumbled after he opened up the door to his home.
Much to his amazement, Luhan found the younger to be living in the old and spacious house that was located in the city center. After the previous owner died, the house had been vacant for a couple of years since it was quite expensive and nobody was interested in spending that much money. So it was very surprising to see that the new kid seemed to be living here from now on. It meant that his family had to be pretty well off.
Luhan silently followed the younger into the building just like he had been during the whole way here. He slipped out of his shoes and looked around the hallway that led into a big living room.
Some of the walls hadn't been painted yet and a few cardboard boxes were still stacked in a corner.
“Are you sure it's okay if I come here already?” Luhan asked insecurely.
“Sure, sure. It's fine,” Sehun waved it off. “So … Do we wanna get started?”
“Okay,” Luhan muttered and followed Sehun to the sofa where he dropped down on the soft cushioning.
Sehun went to the bordering kitchen and brought a carafe filled with water and two glasses. “In case you're thirsty …” he explained.
“Thanks,” Luhan murmured and wished the awkwardness that had been hovering above them the whole day to just disappear. He grabbed his notes from class and spread them on the table.
From the corner of his eye Luhan witnessed how Sehun poured himself a glass and drew a box of pills out of the pocket of his jeans. He put it in his mouth and downed it in one go.
Luhan felt curiosity tingling in him. He wanted to know what sort of pill that was, but he knew he wasn't in the position to ask such questions now. But still … he was curious …
Surprisingly Luhan and Sehun managed to spend the next hour peacefully. As long as they concentrated on their school work they both knew they could avoid any sort of tension. They were also amazed to see how well they were able to work together. They assigned each other certain topics to research about and were even able to set up a full schedule to work through until the presentation.
However, that was the point where everything started going downhill and their effort went down the drain.
Sehun cleared his throat and said something along the lines of him going upstairs to get his notebook and some pencils to write down what he had to do.
Luhan nodded and sat there waiting for Sehun to come back down.
But he didn't come back.
Luhan was waiting and waiting. He drank a glass of water. He pointlessly looked around the room. But Sehun didn't come back down.
After some time the boy was tired of waiting and walked towards the stairs. “Sehun?” he called out. “Are you done?”
No answer.
“Do you need help looking?” Maybe he lost his stuff in the mess of the relocation.
Still no answer.
With a disquieting feeling in his stomach Luhan slowly stepped up the stairs. What was going on?
He didn't know which one Sehun's room was but one of them had the door opened wide and he heard heavy breathing coming from that direction.
Luhan gulped and walked towards what he knew could be nothing good.
When he stepped in he saw Sehun sitting on his bed, his chest heaving frantically, his hair disheveled and his face rested in his hands.
Luhan felt his heart dropping out of his chest. “Sehun! Are you okay?” he exclaimed.
Slowly the latter lifted his head and stared at Luhan with reddened eyes. “What are you doing here?” he hissed viciously.
Luhan tumbled back a few steps in shock. He didn't expect Sehun to react so aggressive. “I'm sorry. You weren't coming down. So I got worried and came looking for you.”
“I mean …” Sehun pressed through his teeth, “… what are you doing in my house?!”
“Huh?” Luhan's eyes grew to the size of saucers. “W-What …?” he stammered.
“What are you doing in my house?” Sehun shouted again and stood up to glare at Luhan threateningly who stumbled back another few scared steps.
“Yo-You- … We were working on the biology project. Don't you … remember?” Luhan whimpered, not comprehending the situation at all. What was happening with Sehun?
At Luhan's words the younger's tense shoulders suddenly slackened and the older swore he could see the other's gaze clearing up. A shiver ran through the younger and he looked at Luhan with panic in his eyes.
“Oh no …” he mumbled incoherently. “Gosh … I- … I'm so sorry …” Sehun ran forward and pushed past Luhan to disappear into the bathroom.
The door slammed shut and Luhan jumped at the sound. He took a second to recollect himself, then he ran after Sehun.
“Hey!” he screamed and knocked the door. “What was that supposed to be? Open the door!”
“Please go!” he heard Sehun shouting from the inside with a teary voice. “I'm sorry, but please go!”
“Not as long as you haven't given me an explanation for that stunt just now! You shout at me and scare me and now you run away? Are you kidding me?” Luhan ranted.
“Please just go, Luhan. Please go!” Sehun sobbed with a muffled voice.
“No! I want -”
“GET OUT!” Sehun roared finally and made Luhan step back from the door, startled from the loudness.
Well … Luhan figured that some nasty shit had to be going on here. If Sehun wanted to be alone now … Fine! But Luhan would get back to receive an explanation.
With a grumpy face he lumbered down the stairs and roughly packed his bag to storm out of the building.
Just so you wait, Oh Sehun! You do not get to treat me like this, he thought and hurried home where he threw himself on the bed with his headphones on to blast some loud rock songs and ignored his mother who looked at him in confusion.
After all, Luhan never acted like this. As far as she knew, the boy was usually a good-tempered person.
~
With shaking fingers Sehun dialed his mom's number.
“Sehun!” she answered with a concerned voice already. “Are you alright?”
“No,” he sobbed. “Mom … it happened again. A classmate was over. We wanted to work on a presentation. And I forgot. I just completely forgot …”
“I'm coming home, Sehun,” his mom answered promptly and he heard shifting noises on the other end of the phone. “Are you okay at the moment?”
“I'm better now.”
“Good. We'll be going to the doctor right away. I don't care how many special patients he has set for today. I told him it was urgent and we moved here for a reason.”
Sehun huffed a few times. “I'm scared, mom. I want to be able to go to a normal school. And especially not now in the last school year -”
“Sh-sh-sh,” she interrupted him when she heard his voice growing more hysterical. “You'll be fine, my child. I will take care of everything, don't worry.”
“Okay,” Sehun hiccupped.
“I'll be home in a few minutes. Calm down. We'll get help.”
“Okay.”
“I'll call your dad, too. We will need him here now.”
“Okay.”
“Everything will be fine.”
“Yes …” Sehun murmured. He knew his parents would do their very best to help him. “I'm just so scared that it will happen again.”
“I know, Sehun. I know.” She hung up and Sehun was left alone again with his gnawing fear and growing desperation.
What did he do to deserve this?
???
Part 2