tired
when you ask how i am and i tell you i'm tired and you tell me to go to bed and i refuse, i wish you would stop getting pissy. i'm not lacking sleep. my nights are far too long. and i'm tired of that. i'm tired of the blackness smothering me. tired of feeling the weight of the entire world. i'm tired of caring so much. i know it's this place. i know dayton is enveloping me in my sadness and sucking me into the past. they tell me i should just leave. that i should give in to the depression that has become an every day part of my life. but if i leave then i'm letting things other than myself control me. and i'm tired of being controlled by my emotions. and i'm tired of his death running my life. i'm tired of running away from guys because i feel like i'm being unfaithful to him. and i'm tired of watching friendships drift into oblivion because i can't seem to find a friend quite like him. i'm tired of being afraid. i don't think anyone knows this but the reason i can't sleep alone is because i'm still afraid of dying. i'm still afraid that i'm not strong enough to live without him and if i give into that he'll have died for nothing. i'm tired of letting his death ruin me. he never would have wanted that. and so i'm staying here, through all of this heartache, mainly to prove to myself that i can. but the energy of living is high in this city, so please, when i tell you i'm tired, just smile and nod as if you understand.