BEIN AN A-HOLE: UR DOIN IT RITE!
We all know I'm an asshole, so it will come as no surprise to you guys when I tell you that my latest foray into the dating scene has yielded results that conclusively state that I'm a jerk. But it appears to be working!
I took all of your advice, considered it very carefully, and plunged into the wide world of match.com. Several of you swore by this, and frankly, what do I have to lose? A few guys sent emails. A few guys never heard back because, um, EWW NO THANK YOU. And then one guy contacted me. I wasn't attracted to him, AT ALL, but he looked nice, and he used proper grammar, and I figured, what the hell.
Meanwhile, I took some advice that up until now, I have always dismissed with more than a little irritation. I played a little hard to get.
I have always hated the idea of playing hard to get. It's stupid. If a guy likes you, he likes you. If he doesn't, he doesn't. Being all mysterious and mysteriously busy sends the wrong message! But this time around, I decided I'd try something new, and here's why: in all my other previous interactions with men, I have always been the one to bend over backward. (Not like that, dudes, COME ON, BE SERIOUS.) From things that only lasted a single date to things that went on for months and even years, I made the effort. I put myself out there 100%, no holds barred, because I didn't want to play games, or be fake, or be ANYTHING other than me. It's taken me a long time to realize this, but this is also why, when things don't work out, I am absolutely crushed. I put all of me out there, I make myself totally available and vulnerable, and wham, when the door slams, it hurts. A lot.
So I decided that if I was going to date anybody this time around, I wasn't going to do this anymore. If it was late and my phone rang and I didn't feel like answering it, I wasn't going to. (I was notorious for always taking Derrick's phone calls, regardless of what time it was. *coughTHREEINTHEMORNINGcough*) If I didn't like something, I wasn't going to pretend I did. I wasn't going to do a goddamn thing I didn't feel like doing, just because I wanted to make some guy I don't even know like me.
Apparently, this is the answer.
The first time he called me, it was 10:20 p.m. and I was tired. I wasn't prepared to be peppy and interesting on the phone, so I let it go to voicemail. The old me would have worried about what message this sent. The new me said to Wen and Terri, "What kind of person calls for the first time at 10:20 at night?! I mean, I know the timestamps on my emails are later than that, but COME ON!"
When I called him back the next night, it went to his voicemail. Old me would have thought, "Oh, he's teaching me a lesson! I ignored him so now he's ignoring me!" New me thought, "He's probably afraid I'm going to chew him a new one for calling that late at night and figured if I was, I could do it via voicemail." I left a quick message that said, "Hm, phone tag, is it? Okay, you're it!" and hung up.
Two minutes later, he called back. Yep. Totally wanted to see if I was gonna leave a pissed-off voicemail.
I followed the advice I've so carefully culled from years of reading Cosmo and Glamour and kept the call to about twenty minutes. I ended it by saying, "Feel free to give me another call some time."
He called the next night.
And I was frankly a little miffed and a lot baffled. I told Terrs this. "I'm on summer vacation. I don't do a goddamn thing all day long. I don't have enough stuff to talk about to warrant another phone call within 24 hours! I didn't even talk about myself. All I did was tell him stories about other people I know."
This time, we talked for an hour and I got tired of talking and said I had to go let the dog out. (Only a little lie, and besides, he didn't know the dog was sleeping soundly on my bed at the time.) The old me would have agonized over whether or not being the one to end two phone calls made a bad impression. The new me was kind of a jerk and complained yet again about two phone calls in two days.
The next day, Thursday, I was helping babysit Paige and Brady, and I got a text message just as Brady dumped a whole glass of water onto the floor. "Why did you do that?!" "She needed water," he replied, referring to Addie, whom I'd just given a bowl of water. I rolled my eyes. "Well, that was very nice of you, but next time, let me do it."
I forgot about the text until a little later. When I read it, I rolled my eyes again and said to Brady, "Don't ever ask a girl out via text message, okay?"
But then again, I would never even have the guts to ask a guy out via a text, so maybe I shouldn't judge. I texted back, "Sure, I'm free any time after 6 on Saturday."
He called again that night. For those of you keeping track, that's three times in three days. He also apologized for not having good asking-out protocol. I was like, huh? Now, this is where it gets really funny. "Well," he said, "You know, you're supposed to ask a girl out for the weekend early in the week instead of later." I laughed. I've read those articles too, buddy. I said, "I'm on summer break. My schedule is pretty empty. Figure out where you want to go and just text me a time and place, and I'll be there!"
On Friday night, me and the bitches were discussing.
Wen: I wonder what he's gonna wear.
Missy: Whatever it is, it'll be all wrong.
Wen: LOL! Y'know, you have a really bad attitude about this!
Missy: Hey, I'm trying to be emotionally and psychologically healthy! Y'know, by not giving a shit.
Terri: You're doing a great job at that!
Later Friday night, my phone rings. "No," I said to my bitches. "Just, NO! It's Friday night! I'm busy! I said TEXT ME!" I let them listen to the voicemail, and he started out saying, "Sorry, it just hit me, it's Friday night, duh, you're probably out, but anyway, I was thinking maybe 7 p.m..."
"He sounds perfectly nice!" Terri shouted at me. "Yeah, he sounds good!" Wen, thankfully, did not shout. I shrugged. "HE CALLS A LOT YOU GUYS!" I texted back late that night to confirm.
Saturday night comes and goes. Dinner was okay. He was nice enough, I guess, but... ugh, I just really didn't want to be there.
He looked like a football player. I was still not physically attracted to him, and I once again ended things about an hour and a half later. And I was totally right about the clothes--striped shirt and plaid shorts? It wasn't as bad as it sounds but it wasn't... well, let's just say it's obvious he dressed himself, rather than asking his sister for advice.
He texted me on Sunday and said he had a good time, and that he thought I was very pretty, and could we chat again sometime? I continued to be a heartless jerk and just texted back "Sure". Monday night, he called.
SERIOUSLY?
I had just spent all day running around, unpacking my new office, running errands, and I was fucking drained. I let voicemail get it. Tuesday, I was feeling emotionally unstable all day and not up to a phonecall, so I just texted him and said I wouldn't be back until late that night but I'd call the next day (which was today).
I kept my text-promise. I called.
Missy: So I called him tonight. He is... nice. I'm not attracted to him, but... meh. He asked me if I wanted to go golfing on Saturday, and once again, I probably answered all wrong. "Yeah, I'm always up for golf!"
Terri: LOL, well, it's good you are not like.... shoving him away.
Missy: Yeah, I was like, well, jeez, why do I keep thinking in terms of, oh man, I don't want to sleep with this guy... Nobody said anything about being anything more than friends, at least right now, so why not just at the VERY least practice being a decent date, even if I really, REALLY don't like him?
Terri: Yes, good job!
Missy: Plus FREE GOLF.
Terri: YEAH, BABY!!
Missy: He also said he couldn't really tell how Saturday night went. I laughed and said that was my fault, and that I am a very hard person to read, but that I had a nice time chatting. Which means, y'know, I LIED.
Terri: Oh, he called you on it!
Missy: LOL yeah he totally did.
Terri: Good man, lol. That took courage, so he's not a wimp.
Missy: But he played it like all cool, like, "there was something I was gonna ask you, what was it... oh yeah!" And I laughed in my head and thought AHHAHAHHAA YOU ARE PROBABLY READING THAT FROM A PIECE OF PAPER. But yeah, that did take guts.
Terri: LOL, well, you're probably right, but yeah.
So I have myself a second date for golf on Saturday. I'm not sure how I feel. Well, that's not true. I'm excited to go golfing. As for the company, meh. He's nice, and laughs at my jokes, but if I have to be the funny one all the time, I dunno. And I'm not going to push myself to feel anything toward him, either. (Another common mistake I've made in the past.) I'm only going to do what I want to do, and say what I want to say, and be how I want to be. If I don't want to talk, I'm not picking up the phone. If I don't want to do something, I'm saying no. And if I decide I'd rather just be friends, I'll do the manly thing... and send a text.
I took all of your advice, considered it very carefully, and plunged into the wide world of match.com. Several of you swore by this, and frankly, what do I have to lose? A few guys sent emails. A few guys never heard back because, um, EWW NO THANK YOU. And then one guy contacted me. I wasn't attracted to him, AT ALL, but he looked nice, and he used proper grammar, and I figured, what the hell.
Meanwhile, I took some advice that up until now, I have always dismissed with more than a little irritation. I played a little hard to get.
I have always hated the idea of playing hard to get. It's stupid. If a guy likes you, he likes you. If he doesn't, he doesn't. Being all mysterious and mysteriously busy sends the wrong message! But this time around, I decided I'd try something new, and here's why: in all my other previous interactions with men, I have always been the one to bend over backward. (Not like that, dudes, COME ON, BE SERIOUS.) From things that only lasted a single date to things that went on for months and even years, I made the effort. I put myself out there 100%, no holds barred, because I didn't want to play games, or be fake, or be ANYTHING other than me. It's taken me a long time to realize this, but this is also why, when things don't work out, I am absolutely crushed. I put all of me out there, I make myself totally available and vulnerable, and wham, when the door slams, it hurts. A lot.
So I decided that if I was going to date anybody this time around, I wasn't going to do this anymore. If it was late and my phone rang and I didn't feel like answering it, I wasn't going to. (I was notorious for always taking Derrick's phone calls, regardless of what time it was. *coughTHREEINTHEMORNINGcough*) If I didn't like something, I wasn't going to pretend I did. I wasn't going to do a goddamn thing I didn't feel like doing, just because I wanted to make some guy I don't even know like me.
Apparently, this is the answer.
The first time he called me, it was 10:20 p.m. and I was tired. I wasn't prepared to be peppy and interesting on the phone, so I let it go to voicemail. The old me would have worried about what message this sent. The new me said to Wen and Terri, "What kind of person calls for the first time at 10:20 at night?! I mean, I know the timestamps on my emails are later than that, but COME ON!"
When I called him back the next night, it went to his voicemail. Old me would have thought, "Oh, he's teaching me a lesson! I ignored him so now he's ignoring me!" New me thought, "He's probably afraid I'm going to chew him a new one for calling that late at night and figured if I was, I could do it via voicemail." I left a quick message that said, "Hm, phone tag, is it? Okay, you're it!" and hung up.
Two minutes later, he called back. Yep. Totally wanted to see if I was gonna leave a pissed-off voicemail.
I followed the advice I've so carefully culled from years of reading Cosmo and Glamour and kept the call to about twenty minutes. I ended it by saying, "Feel free to give me another call some time."
He called the next night.
And I was frankly a little miffed and a lot baffled. I told Terrs this. "I'm on summer vacation. I don't do a goddamn thing all day long. I don't have enough stuff to talk about to warrant another phone call within 24 hours! I didn't even talk about myself. All I did was tell him stories about other people I know."
This time, we talked for an hour and I got tired of talking and said I had to go let the dog out. (Only a little lie, and besides, he didn't know the dog was sleeping soundly on my bed at the time.) The old me would have agonized over whether or not being the one to end two phone calls made a bad impression. The new me was kind of a jerk and complained yet again about two phone calls in two days.
The next day, Thursday, I was helping babysit Paige and Brady, and I got a text message just as Brady dumped a whole glass of water onto the floor. "Why did you do that?!" "She needed water," he replied, referring to Addie, whom I'd just given a bowl of water. I rolled my eyes. "Well, that was very nice of you, but next time, let me do it."
I forgot about the text until a little later. When I read it, I rolled my eyes again and said to Brady, "Don't ever ask a girl out via text message, okay?"
But then again, I would never even have the guts to ask a guy out via a text, so maybe I shouldn't judge. I texted back, "Sure, I'm free any time after 6 on Saturday."
He called again that night. For those of you keeping track, that's three times in three days. He also apologized for not having good asking-out protocol. I was like, huh? Now, this is where it gets really funny. "Well," he said, "You know, you're supposed to ask a girl out for the weekend early in the week instead of later." I laughed. I've read those articles too, buddy. I said, "I'm on summer break. My schedule is pretty empty. Figure out where you want to go and just text me a time and place, and I'll be there!"
On Friday night, me and the bitches were discussing.
Wen: I wonder what he's gonna wear.
Missy: Whatever it is, it'll be all wrong.
Wen: LOL! Y'know, you have a really bad attitude about this!
Missy: Hey, I'm trying to be emotionally and psychologically healthy! Y'know, by not giving a shit.
Terri: You're doing a great job at that!
Later Friday night, my phone rings. "No," I said to my bitches. "Just, NO! It's Friday night! I'm busy! I said TEXT ME!" I let them listen to the voicemail, and he started out saying, "Sorry, it just hit me, it's Friday night, duh, you're probably out, but anyway, I was thinking maybe 7 p.m..."
"He sounds perfectly nice!" Terri shouted at me. "Yeah, he sounds good!" Wen, thankfully, did not shout. I shrugged. "HE CALLS A LOT YOU GUYS!" I texted back late that night to confirm.
Saturday night comes and goes. Dinner was okay. He was nice enough, I guess, but... ugh, I just really didn't want to be there.
He looked like a football player. I was still not physically attracted to him, and I once again ended things about an hour and a half later. And I was totally right about the clothes--striped shirt and plaid shorts? It wasn't as bad as it sounds but it wasn't... well, let's just say it's obvious he dressed himself, rather than asking his sister for advice.
He texted me on Sunday and said he had a good time, and that he thought I was very pretty, and could we chat again sometime? I continued to be a heartless jerk and just texted back "Sure". Monday night, he called.
SERIOUSLY?
I had just spent all day running around, unpacking my new office, running errands, and I was fucking drained. I let voicemail get it. Tuesday, I was feeling emotionally unstable all day and not up to a phonecall, so I just texted him and said I wouldn't be back until late that night but I'd call the next day (which was today).
I kept my text-promise. I called.
Missy: So I called him tonight. He is... nice. I'm not attracted to him, but... meh. He asked me if I wanted to go golfing on Saturday, and once again, I probably answered all wrong. "Yeah, I'm always up for golf!"
Terri: LOL, well, it's good you are not like.... shoving him away.
Missy: Yeah, I was like, well, jeez, why do I keep thinking in terms of, oh man, I don't want to sleep with this guy... Nobody said anything about being anything more than friends, at least right now, so why not just at the VERY least practice being a decent date, even if I really, REALLY don't like him?
Terri: Yes, good job!
Missy: Plus FREE GOLF.
Terri: YEAH, BABY!!
Missy: He also said he couldn't really tell how Saturday night went. I laughed and said that was my fault, and that I am a very hard person to read, but that I had a nice time chatting. Which means, y'know, I LIED.
Terri: Oh, he called you on it!
Missy: LOL yeah he totally did.
Terri: Good man, lol. That took courage, so he's not a wimp.
Missy: But he played it like all cool, like, "there was something I was gonna ask you, what was it... oh yeah!" And I laughed in my head and thought AHHAHAHHAA YOU ARE PROBABLY READING THAT FROM A PIECE OF PAPER. But yeah, that did take guts.
Terri: LOL, well, you're probably right, but yeah.
So I have myself a second date for golf on Saturday. I'm not sure how I feel. Well, that's not true. I'm excited to go golfing. As for the company, meh. He's nice, and laughs at my jokes, but if I have to be the funny one all the time, I dunno. And I'm not going to push myself to feel anything toward him, either. (Another common mistake I've made in the past.) I'm only going to do what I want to do, and say what I want to say, and be how I want to be. If I don't want to talk, I'm not picking up the phone. If I don't want to do something, I'm saying no. And if I decide I'd rather just be friends, I'll do the manly thing... and send a text.