(no subject)

[freesiaangel]

I cant help but lately think that I am not doing what I was destined to do. I know somewhere in my heart that I was put here to do great things and somehow help people but in my heart I feel like me turning my back on the whole world of art and everthing that used to drive me is eating at me. I have given up the fact that returning to school and pursuing my art is giving me the cliche idea of living as a "starving artist". Yes, I will be doing what I love but financially I cant see that happening. I decided lately within myself that I should pursue the medical field which I have sort of stumbled into through my current job. I have in my heart that becoming a nurse and helping the sick would put back into my life the satisfaction that I am doing something that would make a difference. So I am enrolling in nursing school. The problem is that it keeps eating at me that "I will always have art as a hobby". I find myself not even wanting to touch my paint or even a pen and paper for fear that it will make me want to go back to it and it just makes me even more upset that I KNOW that I am lying to myself that I will have it as a hobby because even now I have no time for it. I dont know. I suppose I'm just at my ends of desiring something that will never be.

I remember driving downtown New Orleans with Greg one night and we saw someone's opening night at a gallery off of Tchoupitoulas and it disturbed me so much that that will never be me one day. And then we drove by and left all the smiling people lingering in the street light behind.

*sigh*