I dont know... Life I guess.
Its been a couple of years since ive last posted here. I tend to check back... its kinda like a reminder of my past love and feelings... i was reading all my past posts... damn i was crazy for him wasnt I. Its crazy to think now we are have a son. Ethen Alexander McGrant! due august 31st....I'm still scared that im not going to be ready, that i wont be a good enough mother, im still too selfish... i worry about giving birth... I unfortunately have no one to tell t his too... b/c as it has been all my life i am virtually alone. perhaps i cling to bb so intently for that reason. I am still upset at people for actions... and hateful attitudes, but what can i do. I inform them of truth- but its their decision to believe me and stop hating rediculous HS drama bullshit! And they say im acting HS. They dont seem to understand that my concerns stem from a reality ive been through multiple time over... i dont give a fuck abt your drama- get over it! i am pregnant, im more paranoid than ever that i cant do this.... especially not alone, so yes i need MY love right now... and i get concerned when there are people sneaking around,... whether its something to worry about or not. So get over your rediculous anger, as i am working on me too !- sorry- the person whom that is for... will probably never even see it... but as long as i have someone to tell it to, i guess it makes it slightly better. I dont know... alot of things are crazy now..i found out that bb and i first got together september 1st of 2005...so almost 3 years weve been waltzing this dance... i still get jealous...lol. Maybe thats insecurity... idk. i STILL feel like i smother him... i want to make more friends... but i keep finding myself getting fucked over ! Why do I want to find new friends to FUCK me over !? yeh thats sounds pleasant! lol HA nah... ill keep watching people..waiting for human contact that seems trustworthy! I used to have a beautiful cat... he was my bestest friend in the whole world... but bb wanted to make him an outside cat... both knowing full well he would never come back... he even put his food outside, so now he has NO reason whatsoever to return... i found some pictures of him and i last night... and i miss him...i still tear up ( tearing now !!) i never forget my Gohan, and how lonely i felt once i never got to see him again ! I find myself unhappy... alot, its ironic that my profile picture is "alone..." i still feel that way... most of the time. lol Go fuckin figure right! w/e. I feel unhappy most times for alot of reasons. Mostly b/c i feel alone, but it is others too. being unhappy with myself, unhappy with my body, unhappy with our current situations, financial and so on. With bb- seeming to be trapped makes me want to let him have his space, but i fear if i do so,... he'll AGAIN leave me for someone else... but no one seems to give a fuck ! As always i am nothing but a phantom... what am I offering to the goal of joyous life, except for Ethen !? I dont want to end up like my sister... alone with her son... moving in and out of homes with friends with no stability for her or him... yeh no thank you ! i want my love to last forever i dont want him to leave me again- proving that IM STILL not good enough for him or anyone else! Yeh I'm good. LOL Now dont get me wrong this is just a rant of fears and random thought... anything i can think of on the spot. Nothing is seriously wrong... im not worried... nothing like that... but if i have no one to tell these things to they will all come out at once... things from time ago, that have all bundled into one heap- a damn if you will... So i think im going to wrap this up... for now! i have oodles to spill... so no worries- my brain is an open wound for all to look at! lol