Sad and can't wait to move out
Hey Everyone,
I'm so upset right now and have been going through these ups and downs (mainly downs) for two weeks now. It's hard for me to pinpoint exactly what it is that's been making me upset (well, I know what it is today, but I'll get to that later), but I think it's related to the living situation. If all goes well, we'll close Nov. 15, but that's "if" and either way it's just so far away. I feel so suffocated here, and it just brings back memories and experiences of why I hated living here in the first place. I'm reminded a lot how my parents are letting us stay here, etc. and I appreciate it, and have said so many times, but that's the way it is in this family. No one does something nice for you without making you know they're helping you 24/7 and then making you feel badly about it. I offered to pay rent before but then my dad was all insulted and went off on me about that, so it's a catch 22. He doesn't want us to give money because then he can't hold it over our heads. I make dinner a few times a week and go food shopping some times, but there's not much else for us to do, and when we do buy extras or whatever, it's expected anyway and no one mentions that it was nice. They just harp on the fact that they're helping us out so much and we should be more grateful. Well, let me change that "we" to me. My mom is all concerned if Stu is happy with them, blah, blah, blah, but I can't ever seem to do enough. Such deja vu from growing up in this family. Ugh. I'm crying as I'm writing this and am so stressed out. I so can't wait till we move out so we can just live for ourselves and have our own life. And there are just so many snide remarks made daily. Perish the thought that I for one moment forget that they're doing us a favor by letting us stay. G-d! It's not like I planned this or wanted to have no clothes or things of my own or closets and bathrooms that are not considered mine to use. Those of you still reading, thanks. The thing is, it's not that they're bad people my parents, I know they love me and all, but it's just their method of doing things, it's just terrible.
Now, on to the reason why I'm doubly upset today (and yesterday). Stu and I support Kerry, but we never throw that in anyone's face or expect others to do what we do. And, I have friends voting for Bush, and I know some of you guys are too, and that's fine. I don't think less of anyone for that; just means we have different views. Well, in my family, if you have different views there's something wrong with you. My parents are Bush supporters and my dad just found out this weekend that Stu and I are voting for Kerry (we didn't want to tell him for obvious reasons). My mom told him after she said she wouldn't. So, yesterday, he writes me this e-mail sayinig it must be his fault that I support Kerry because he must have done something wrong in raising me and that he's sad and disappointed. I told my mom that I think that was wrong, and she says, "Well, maybe he's right. What did we do wrong?" So, I got upset and told her that I'm very happy with the way I turned out and that my friends and those that care about me respect my opinions and the kind of woman I am, and that it's very hurtful for her to say that she's disappointed in me. She didn't really get it. Then, my dad comes home and barely says two words to me the whole night and didn't even say good-night when he went to bed (which is something we do). It's just all so ridiculous and to be said that the issues that are important to me are not and make me a bad person for believing them is just so past the line. As I said, Stu and I don't go on about what we believe or think so it's not like they're even justified to make comments. My dad talks politics and yells about it all the time, but Stu and I don't get involved. And to make such arbitrary statements about me is just so wrong. And to ignore someone who views things differently is even more so.
I'm so upset right now and have been going through these ups and downs (mainly downs) for two weeks now. It's hard for me to pinpoint exactly what it is that's been making me upset (well, I know what it is today, but I'll get to that later), but I think it's related to the living situation. If all goes well, we'll close Nov. 15, but that's "if" and either way it's just so far away. I feel so suffocated here, and it just brings back memories and experiences of why I hated living here in the first place. I'm reminded a lot how my parents are letting us stay here, etc. and I appreciate it, and have said so many times, but that's the way it is in this family. No one does something nice for you without making you know they're helping you 24/7 and then making you feel badly about it. I offered to pay rent before but then my dad was all insulted and went off on me about that, so it's a catch 22. He doesn't want us to give money because then he can't hold it over our heads. I make dinner a few times a week and go food shopping some times, but there's not much else for us to do, and when we do buy extras or whatever, it's expected anyway and no one mentions that it was nice. They just harp on the fact that they're helping us out so much and we should be more grateful. Well, let me change that "we" to me. My mom is all concerned if Stu is happy with them, blah, blah, blah, but I can't ever seem to do enough. Such deja vu from growing up in this family. Ugh. I'm crying as I'm writing this and am so stressed out. I so can't wait till we move out so we can just live for ourselves and have our own life. And there are just so many snide remarks made daily. Perish the thought that I for one moment forget that they're doing us a favor by letting us stay. G-d! It's not like I planned this or wanted to have no clothes or things of my own or closets and bathrooms that are not considered mine to use. Those of you still reading, thanks. The thing is, it's not that they're bad people my parents, I know they love me and all, but it's just their method of doing things, it's just terrible.
Now, on to the reason why I'm doubly upset today (and yesterday). Stu and I support Kerry, but we never throw that in anyone's face or expect others to do what we do. And, I have friends voting for Bush, and I know some of you guys are too, and that's fine. I don't think less of anyone for that; just means we have different views. Well, in my family, if you have different views there's something wrong with you. My parents are Bush supporters and my dad just found out this weekend that Stu and I are voting for Kerry (we didn't want to tell him for obvious reasons). My mom told him after she said she wouldn't. So, yesterday, he writes me this e-mail sayinig it must be his fault that I support Kerry because he must have done something wrong in raising me and that he's sad and disappointed. I told my mom that I think that was wrong, and she says, "Well, maybe he's right. What did we do wrong?" So, I got upset and told her that I'm very happy with the way I turned out and that my friends and those that care about me respect my opinions and the kind of woman I am, and that it's very hurtful for her to say that she's disappointed in me. She didn't really get it. Then, my dad comes home and barely says two words to me the whole night and didn't even say good-night when he went to bed (which is something we do). It's just all so ridiculous and to be said that the issues that are important to me are not and make me a bad person for believing them is just so past the line. As I said, Stu and I don't go on about what we believe or think so it's not like they're even justified to make comments. My dad talks politics and yells about it all the time, but Stu and I don't get involved. And to make such arbitrary statements about me is just so wrong. And to ignore someone who views things differently is even more so.