Reflection
I wonder how it is I fooled people into thinking I was OK. I mean back at college, during that crisis. I kept all my desperation to myself, ignoring life by sleeping too much, but all the pain and turmoil I kept down, alone in my room, and to everyone I was bright-shining, happy, helpful, spirited. Why didn't I show any symptoms of depression? How could I be happy and healthy around people, outwardly, but when alone, I'd slip into a steep funk that consumed me and rotted my mind. Everyone is supposed to show symptoms, I thought. Yeah, I was slipping in classes, and my enthusiasm for my job and my friends faltered. But otherwise I was more than fine...I was known for my warmth, sweetness, vivacious personality. It stumps me, how I could be so extroverted and upbeat to everyone but alone found myself drowning in sadness.
I wanted to write down that question, because it's a prevailing mystery that remains now that I'm reasonably healed, and genuinely mostly happy, even when I'm alone. I'm still not sure what fixed it, but Mom's own attempt, Ta-chan coming home, and the winter where it SNOWED for the first and only time I've ever seen...working helped too. Earning money, working with a good team...that may be why being laid off hurt me so bad, because work was a wonderful application and I could be proud of my role. Right now I've got nothing, just a house that isn't mine, so it's not like I can go through and redecorate - I've already done that in the rooms we're renting. There's the comic...but I'm so exhausted right now that I can't think let alone draw. Or I can't draw and all I can do is think.
I think I'm ready to not think and enjoy myself again.
I wanted to write down that question, because it's a prevailing mystery that remains now that I'm reasonably healed, and genuinely mostly happy, even when I'm alone. I'm still not sure what fixed it, but Mom's own attempt, Ta-chan coming home, and the winter where it SNOWED for the first and only time I've ever seen...working helped too. Earning money, working with a good team...that may be why being laid off hurt me so bad, because work was a wonderful application and I could be proud of my role. Right now I've got nothing, just a house that isn't mine, so it's not like I can go through and redecorate - I've already done that in the rooms we're renting. There's the comic...but I'm so exhausted right now that I can't think let alone draw. Or I can't draw and all I can do is think.
I think I'm ready to not think and enjoy myself again.