Survivor's Guilt
They had failed. The world had come to devastating end. The earth had turned sterile, killing all life on the surface. Clouds blocked out the sun, trapping toxic gasses and chemicals. The air was hot, almost un-breathable. Storms swept across the land, blowing the toxic fumes enhanced by the massive cloud formations. Anything caught on the surface with the storms, died without any form of treatment.
The survivors, the few that had survived anyhow, took to the underground. Sewers and basements were the only safe places, but more were being built. Supplies, such as food and medicine, were scares, let alone weapons for the creatures that evolved on the surface. Beetle swarms and predators colonies formed in the toxic air, bringing about an even greater danger to the survivors than starvation. Frankly, surviving one day without an incident was a miracle. Still, tensions were high amongst the survivors.
She ran through the manmade tunnel. Her beat up black trainers splashed through the water as she ran. The water splashed over the hem of her tattered pair of trousers, soaking them.
The tunnel had been added on from a sewage pipeline, linking pipelines together. They had managed to install lighting system throughout the tunnels. Wires and cables ran along the wall with lights installed every few meters throughout the tunnel. Along with the lighting and limited power cables, they’d also install an intercom system to alert the tunnels of incoming storms. The items used for torches were needed elsewhere, but light managed to seep in through the main sewage tunnels, from the surface. Latches and covers had been installed for the toxic storms, to prevent the air from seeping through the tunnels and poisoning the people.
She came to the linking tunnel and turned left. She could hear voices yelling ahead of her. A crowd had gathered, as they often had when fights broke out. And like in the past, no one tried to stop them, merely further them along. By the look of the fight, it was intense. A large group had formed around them, preventing her from looking into the main ring of the fighters.
She pushed her way through the crowd to the inner circle. That was when she found him, fighting again. He was on the far end of the circle, facing his attacker. His lip was split and bloody. Fresh dirt streaked his face and hair. His black shirt was ripped over the sleeve stitching.
She shook head in disappointment. “Damnit Becker.”
The second man in the circle slammed his fist into Becker’s face. Becker’s head snapped to the side, dropping to one knee. The man slammed his knee into Becker’s chest, forcing him into the tunnel wall behind him. Becker grunted in pain, but kept fighting. He grabbed the man’s foot and tossed it aside. The man swung his foot at Becker’s face; Becker brought up his arm and blocked the kick. He shot up from the ground and punched the man in the stomach. The man grunted in pain, doubling over. Becker rose to his feet, watching the man. The man straightened up. He swung at Becker, only to be blocked. But the man quickly swung up his knee, slamming it into Becker’s chest. The air was knocked from his lungs. Becker dropped to the ground, breathless. The man kicked Becker in the ribs whilst he was still on the ground.
Time to step in again.
She burst from the crowd. She grabbed the man’s shoulder. “Enough.”
The man didn’t even look at her. He threw her hand off his shoulder, throwing her to the ground.
She hit the ground and looked back up. “I was trying to be nice.” She rose from the ground and leapt at the man. She threw her around the man and grabbed her wrist. She leaned backwards, pulling him with her in the choke hold. The man tried to free himself from her grasp, but it failed.
“I said, enough.” She hissed.
Suddenly the alarm sounded through the speaker system. Everyone looked to the tunnel ceiling. She released the man, throwing him to the ground. “Close the covers! Everyone put their masks on!”
She moved to Becker and pulled his mask over his bleeding face.
“I didn’t need any help, Jess.” He muttered.
“Stow it Becker.” Jess snapped.
The crowd quickly dispersed. Men and woman scattered to cover the tunnel hatches. Several pulled on homemade masks to prevent inhaling the air. The red sunlight filtering through the openings died out, leaving only the dim power torches. Everyone stayed motionless as the roaring sound of the storm approached.
“Here is comes.” Jess warned.
The tunnel was washed over with the roaring sound of the storm winds. The loud noise echoed through the tunnels. The latches and covers rattled from the fierce windows. Small waves of dust filtered in through the coverings. Everyone stayed perfectly still, waiting for the storm to pass. They stared up at the latches, watching for them to hold.
The winds slowly died, ending the short storm. The rattling covers and latches ceased. The dust stopped floating through the covers. The tunnels fell silent as the storm passed over them.
Jess rose from the ground, still looking at the ceiling. She slowly pulled her pink mask, made from an old shirt, from her face. She took a few breaths of the air, testing the toxicity. She nodded. “We’re okay. Get back to work.”
The crowd rose from the ground and dispersed from the area.
Jess looked down at Becker, who was still leaning against the wall, clutching his ribs. She sighed and held out her hand.
Becker looked at her hand, but didn’t take it. “I had it under control.”
Jess snorted. “Right. I saw how you were handling it. On your back in pain.”
Becker pushed himself up using the wall. He pulled odd his mask. “I didn’t ask for your help.”
“No, but you certainly need it.” Jess replied.
Becker turned from her and started walking through the tunnel.
Jess followed him. “How many fights has this made in this week alone, Becker? Five? Seven? God forbid thirteen?”
“Leave it, Jessica.” Becker growled.
“No! I won’t leave it! Do you have a bloody death wish?” Jess demanded.
“Enough.” Becker snapped.
“What you can’t muster up the courage to leave the shelter you have to find a way to kill yourself in the tunnels?” Jess called. “And you called yourself a soldier?”
Becker spun around faster than Jess had ever seen him move in three years. She barely managed a gasp before she felt his hand on her throat. He pushed her back against the tunnel wall. Jess gasped, grabbing Becker’s hand. She looked up at him. Her fury matched his. Becker’s fist was clenched tightly, raised by his head, ready to hit her.
“Go ahead.” Jess managed. “Hit me.”
Becker blinked.
“I dare you to hit me Becker!” Jess choked out.
Becker slowly lowered his fist.
Jess took the chance and jammed her knee into his stomach. Becker quickly released Jess, gasping for air. He dropped to his knee, doubled in pain. Jess dropped beside him, gasping for air. She massages her throat and coughed.
“Look…I know…the past…three years has…hasn’t been easy…but that…that doesn’t give…you the right to…to throw every ounce of…humanity you have left…out the window.” Jess managed.
Becker groaned and leaned against the tunnel wall.
“You’re not…the only person…who lost someone.” Jess explained. She coughed again. “Everyone in these…tunnels…lost someone. But they…they haven’t…resorted to…to fighting at…every turn.”
“Stow it Jessica.” Becker snapped.
Jess turned and slapped him, hard. Her hand stung painfully, but she ignored it. Her glared viciously at Becker, her eyes brimming with tears. “They were my friends too, Becker! I lost them too! But you don’t see me picking fights or becoming a catatonic zombie bent on suicide!”
Becker looked up at Jess.
“What would the others say if they could see you now?” Jess whispered.
Becker turned his head from Jess.
Jess snorted bitterly. She rose to her feet and shook her head. “Okay, Becker. You win. I’m done saving your arse from the others and from yourself. If you want to die so much, the go up top and fire off the few rounds you have left. I’m sure the predators can be more helpful to you. You might even show a bit of gratitude toward them!”
Jess turned and stormed off through the tunnel. Becker watched Jess storm away. He caught the movement of her hand to her face briefly.
---------------------------------------------
Becker sat up on the surface. He was seated on a rock, or possibly a remnant of one of the buildings, looking out at the wasteland. His cloth mask covered his face, blocking a percentage of the vile air. He leaned his chin on his hand, rubbing his thumb over the air Jess had slapped him earlier. He stared out at the barren wasteland. It was hard to imagine that the land in front of him had been the beating heart of London just three years earlier.
They had failed. They had failed immensely. Becker closed his eyes. He could still see Matt driving his truck into the massive anomaly. The fear and realization hit him just as strong as it had three years ago that they’d been too late. The anomaly then sent out a massive shockwave that sent cataclysmic climate changes throughout the world. Within months everything on the surface was dead and living underground was the only chance of living left. But by that time, no one had cared. They had all been too concerned with the colonies of beetles and predators that had evolved into the hostile climate.
Becker sighed heavily and lowered his head. After losing Matt, Lester was next. He’d died of his injuries with Jess at his side. The medics had never made it. Abby and Emily were next. Slaughtered in a horrific predator ambush during a supply scouting. No one knew if Connor was alive. After losing Abby, he’d left the shelter. No one had seen or heard from him since that day, over two years ago. That had brought it down to just him and Jess to keep surviving. If this was even called surviving.
They had next to no supplies, no weapons. The predators were searching through tunnels looking for food. Beetles. How the bloody hell was this surviving?
Becker sighed again. “God how did it come to this?”
One thing was certain. Jess was right. Becker had dropped into a catatonic state, believing he was the only one who’d lost people. He’d completely ignored the fact that Jess had lost just as much as he had that day. But Jess was still going. She was still smiling, though they were very rare. She was still working in the tunnels. She hadn’t given up on humanity. Not yet. She’d even watched over him, keeping him alive until he’d finally pushed her too far. Frankly, Becker was impressed Jess had stuck with him this far.
Becker smiled lightly. “Always positive, aren’t you Jess?”
A deep rumbled echoed in front of him. Becker looked up from the ground. He rose and looked out at the wasteland. Rolling in quickly was a massive toxic storm. It was heading for him and the shelter. Becker dropped to his knees and heaved the heavy door up. He climbed down onto the ladder and pulled the door closed over his head.
---------------------------------------------------
Jess sat on the ground in her room, leaning against the wall. She stared up at the ceiling light shaking above her head. She could the storm cycling over the shelter. She wondered if Becker had walked out into the shelter. Would they find his body during their next search? Or had he stayed. Stayed simply because he’d rather have someone kill him rather than the storm.
Jess sighed and closed her eyes. Another tear slipping down her cheek. She reached up and wiped the tear from her face. She was done crying for him. Done. But it still hurt to see him like this. It hurt every time he pushed him from her. But it had hurt even more knowing how close he’d come to physically hurting her today. She’d lost him completely.
Jess inhaled raggedly as more tears fell. No! No more! She ran her hand over her face but the tears kept coming. She lowered her head and opened her eyes. She looked across her room to the small memorial.
A tainted water pipe dripped water from the walls. The water had changed the wall coloring. Beneath the water were small flowers than had somehow managed to bloom and survive. Jess had etched the names of her friends into the wall along with their birthdays.
Jess brushed back her hair and sighed. “God. I wish you guys were here with me. I don’t know what to do about him anymore.”
A sharp knock made Jess jump. She turned her head toward the door. Jess wiped her face free of tears and prayed her eyes wouldn’t give her away. She rose from the ground and walked to the door. Jess grabbed the handle and slid the door enough to peek through. Her eyes widened in surprise when she saw Becker standing behind her door. She pulled the handle, closing the door on him.
“Jess!” Becker called. “Please open up.”
“Why?” Jess asked.
“I came to apologize.” Becker answered.
Jess nodded. “I can hear you just fine.” She could hear him sigh through the door. She felt a slight vibration and wondered if he kicked it.
“I can’t say I don’t agree with your choice. After what…what I did and…almost did to you today.” Becker said.
Jess folded her arms.
“Jess I am…so so sorry for everything.” Becker said. “You were right, Jess. I’ve been acting selfishly for the past three years. I’ve been nothing but useless to you and everyone here. And if it hadn’t been for you, I would be dead.”
Jess lowered her head, looking down at the ground.
“I lost my best mates and I ignored the fact that…you did too.” Becker continued. “ And I ignored that…you’re all I have left Jess.”
New tears fell from her face.
“I don’t blame you for giving up on me Jess. Frankly I’m surprise that you stayed by me this long.” Becker swallowed. “I know you’re disappointed in me. And I know the other’s are too. So I…I just want to apologize for making these last three years hell for you.”
Jess wiped her cheek.
“I’m sorry, Jess.” He whispered. “I’m sorry for everything. And I’m sorry I hurt you today.”
Jess spun around. She grabbed the handle and heaved the door open. Becker stepped from the door. Jess threw her arms around his neck. She buried her face into his shoulder. Her hands trembled as she held him. She felt his arms wrap around her back.
“I thought I’d lost you too.” Jess whispered.
“I’m so sorry Jess.” Becker said.
Jess released him. She gently grabbed his face. “Promise me…I won’t lose you too.”
Becker grabbed one of her hands and kissed it. “I promise. And if I break, just hit me.”
Jess gasped out a small laugh. “God I’m sorry about that.”
Becker leaned forward and gently pressed his lips to her forehead. “Don’t be.”
The survivors, the few that had survived anyhow, took to the underground. Sewers and basements were the only safe places, but more were being built. Supplies, such as food and medicine, were scares, let alone weapons for the creatures that evolved on the surface. Beetle swarms and predators colonies formed in the toxic air, bringing about an even greater danger to the survivors than starvation. Frankly, surviving one day without an incident was a miracle. Still, tensions were high amongst the survivors.
She ran through the manmade tunnel. Her beat up black trainers splashed through the water as she ran. The water splashed over the hem of her tattered pair of trousers, soaking them.
The tunnel had been added on from a sewage pipeline, linking pipelines together. They had managed to install lighting system throughout the tunnels. Wires and cables ran along the wall with lights installed every few meters throughout the tunnel. Along with the lighting and limited power cables, they’d also install an intercom system to alert the tunnels of incoming storms. The items used for torches were needed elsewhere, but light managed to seep in through the main sewage tunnels, from the surface. Latches and covers had been installed for the toxic storms, to prevent the air from seeping through the tunnels and poisoning the people.
She came to the linking tunnel and turned left. She could hear voices yelling ahead of her. A crowd had gathered, as they often had when fights broke out. And like in the past, no one tried to stop them, merely further them along. By the look of the fight, it was intense. A large group had formed around them, preventing her from looking into the main ring of the fighters.
She pushed her way through the crowd to the inner circle. That was when she found him, fighting again. He was on the far end of the circle, facing his attacker. His lip was split and bloody. Fresh dirt streaked his face and hair. His black shirt was ripped over the sleeve stitching.
She shook head in disappointment. “Damnit Becker.”
The second man in the circle slammed his fist into Becker’s face. Becker’s head snapped to the side, dropping to one knee. The man slammed his knee into Becker’s chest, forcing him into the tunnel wall behind him. Becker grunted in pain, but kept fighting. He grabbed the man’s foot and tossed it aside. The man swung his foot at Becker’s face; Becker brought up his arm and blocked the kick. He shot up from the ground and punched the man in the stomach. The man grunted in pain, doubling over. Becker rose to his feet, watching the man. The man straightened up. He swung at Becker, only to be blocked. But the man quickly swung up his knee, slamming it into Becker’s chest. The air was knocked from his lungs. Becker dropped to the ground, breathless. The man kicked Becker in the ribs whilst he was still on the ground.
Time to step in again.
She burst from the crowd. She grabbed the man’s shoulder. “Enough.”
The man didn’t even look at her. He threw her hand off his shoulder, throwing her to the ground.
She hit the ground and looked back up. “I was trying to be nice.” She rose from the ground and leapt at the man. She threw her around the man and grabbed her wrist. She leaned backwards, pulling him with her in the choke hold. The man tried to free himself from her grasp, but it failed.
“I said, enough.” She hissed.
Suddenly the alarm sounded through the speaker system. Everyone looked to the tunnel ceiling. She released the man, throwing him to the ground. “Close the covers! Everyone put their masks on!”
She moved to Becker and pulled his mask over his bleeding face.
“I didn’t need any help, Jess.” He muttered.
“Stow it Becker.” Jess snapped.
The crowd quickly dispersed. Men and woman scattered to cover the tunnel hatches. Several pulled on homemade masks to prevent inhaling the air. The red sunlight filtering through the openings died out, leaving only the dim power torches. Everyone stayed motionless as the roaring sound of the storm approached.
“Here is comes.” Jess warned.
The tunnel was washed over with the roaring sound of the storm winds. The loud noise echoed through the tunnels. The latches and covers rattled from the fierce windows. Small waves of dust filtered in through the coverings. Everyone stayed perfectly still, waiting for the storm to pass. They stared up at the latches, watching for them to hold.
The winds slowly died, ending the short storm. The rattling covers and latches ceased. The dust stopped floating through the covers. The tunnels fell silent as the storm passed over them.
Jess rose from the ground, still looking at the ceiling. She slowly pulled her pink mask, made from an old shirt, from her face. She took a few breaths of the air, testing the toxicity. She nodded. “We’re okay. Get back to work.”
The crowd rose from the ground and dispersed from the area.
Jess looked down at Becker, who was still leaning against the wall, clutching his ribs. She sighed and held out her hand.
Becker looked at her hand, but didn’t take it. “I had it under control.”
Jess snorted. “Right. I saw how you were handling it. On your back in pain.”
Becker pushed himself up using the wall. He pulled odd his mask. “I didn’t ask for your help.”
“No, but you certainly need it.” Jess replied.
Becker turned from her and started walking through the tunnel.
Jess followed him. “How many fights has this made in this week alone, Becker? Five? Seven? God forbid thirteen?”
“Leave it, Jessica.” Becker growled.
“No! I won’t leave it! Do you have a bloody death wish?” Jess demanded.
“Enough.” Becker snapped.
“What you can’t muster up the courage to leave the shelter you have to find a way to kill yourself in the tunnels?” Jess called. “And you called yourself a soldier?”
Becker spun around faster than Jess had ever seen him move in three years. She barely managed a gasp before she felt his hand on her throat. He pushed her back against the tunnel wall. Jess gasped, grabbing Becker’s hand. She looked up at him. Her fury matched his. Becker’s fist was clenched tightly, raised by his head, ready to hit her.
“Go ahead.” Jess managed. “Hit me.”
Becker blinked.
“I dare you to hit me Becker!” Jess choked out.
Becker slowly lowered his fist.
Jess took the chance and jammed her knee into his stomach. Becker quickly released Jess, gasping for air. He dropped to his knee, doubled in pain. Jess dropped beside him, gasping for air. She massages her throat and coughed.
“Look…I know…the past…three years has…hasn’t been easy…but that…that doesn’t give…you the right to…to throw every ounce of…humanity you have left…out the window.” Jess managed.
Becker groaned and leaned against the tunnel wall.
“You’re not…the only person…who lost someone.” Jess explained. She coughed again. “Everyone in these…tunnels…lost someone. But they…they haven’t…resorted to…to fighting at…every turn.”
“Stow it Jessica.” Becker snapped.
Jess turned and slapped him, hard. Her hand stung painfully, but she ignored it. Her glared viciously at Becker, her eyes brimming with tears. “They were my friends too, Becker! I lost them too! But you don’t see me picking fights or becoming a catatonic zombie bent on suicide!”
Becker looked up at Jess.
“What would the others say if they could see you now?” Jess whispered.
Becker turned his head from Jess.
Jess snorted bitterly. She rose to her feet and shook her head. “Okay, Becker. You win. I’m done saving your arse from the others and from yourself. If you want to die so much, the go up top and fire off the few rounds you have left. I’m sure the predators can be more helpful to you. You might even show a bit of gratitude toward them!”
Jess turned and stormed off through the tunnel. Becker watched Jess storm away. He caught the movement of her hand to her face briefly.
---------------------------------------------
Becker sat up on the surface. He was seated on a rock, or possibly a remnant of one of the buildings, looking out at the wasteland. His cloth mask covered his face, blocking a percentage of the vile air. He leaned his chin on his hand, rubbing his thumb over the air Jess had slapped him earlier. He stared out at the barren wasteland. It was hard to imagine that the land in front of him had been the beating heart of London just three years earlier.
They had failed. They had failed immensely. Becker closed his eyes. He could still see Matt driving his truck into the massive anomaly. The fear and realization hit him just as strong as it had three years ago that they’d been too late. The anomaly then sent out a massive shockwave that sent cataclysmic climate changes throughout the world. Within months everything on the surface was dead and living underground was the only chance of living left. But by that time, no one had cared. They had all been too concerned with the colonies of beetles and predators that had evolved into the hostile climate.
Becker sighed heavily and lowered his head. After losing Matt, Lester was next. He’d died of his injuries with Jess at his side. The medics had never made it. Abby and Emily were next. Slaughtered in a horrific predator ambush during a supply scouting. No one knew if Connor was alive. After losing Abby, he’d left the shelter. No one had seen or heard from him since that day, over two years ago. That had brought it down to just him and Jess to keep surviving. If this was even called surviving.
They had next to no supplies, no weapons. The predators were searching through tunnels looking for food. Beetles. How the bloody hell was this surviving?
Becker sighed again. “God how did it come to this?”
One thing was certain. Jess was right. Becker had dropped into a catatonic state, believing he was the only one who’d lost people. He’d completely ignored the fact that Jess had lost just as much as he had that day. But Jess was still going. She was still smiling, though they were very rare. She was still working in the tunnels. She hadn’t given up on humanity. Not yet. She’d even watched over him, keeping him alive until he’d finally pushed her too far. Frankly, Becker was impressed Jess had stuck with him this far.
Becker smiled lightly. “Always positive, aren’t you Jess?”
A deep rumbled echoed in front of him. Becker looked up from the ground. He rose and looked out at the wasteland. Rolling in quickly was a massive toxic storm. It was heading for him and the shelter. Becker dropped to his knees and heaved the heavy door up. He climbed down onto the ladder and pulled the door closed over his head.
---------------------------------------------------
Jess sat on the ground in her room, leaning against the wall. She stared up at the ceiling light shaking above her head. She could the storm cycling over the shelter. She wondered if Becker had walked out into the shelter. Would they find his body during their next search? Or had he stayed. Stayed simply because he’d rather have someone kill him rather than the storm.
Jess sighed and closed her eyes. Another tear slipping down her cheek. She reached up and wiped the tear from her face. She was done crying for him. Done. But it still hurt to see him like this. It hurt every time he pushed him from her. But it had hurt even more knowing how close he’d come to physically hurting her today. She’d lost him completely.
Jess inhaled raggedly as more tears fell. No! No more! She ran her hand over her face but the tears kept coming. She lowered her head and opened her eyes. She looked across her room to the small memorial.
A tainted water pipe dripped water from the walls. The water had changed the wall coloring. Beneath the water were small flowers than had somehow managed to bloom and survive. Jess had etched the names of her friends into the wall along with their birthdays.
Jess brushed back her hair and sighed. “God. I wish you guys were here with me. I don’t know what to do about him anymore.”
A sharp knock made Jess jump. She turned her head toward the door. Jess wiped her face free of tears and prayed her eyes wouldn’t give her away. She rose from the ground and walked to the door. Jess grabbed the handle and slid the door enough to peek through. Her eyes widened in surprise when she saw Becker standing behind her door. She pulled the handle, closing the door on him.
“Jess!” Becker called. “Please open up.”
“Why?” Jess asked.
“I came to apologize.” Becker answered.
Jess nodded. “I can hear you just fine.” She could hear him sigh through the door. She felt a slight vibration and wondered if he kicked it.
“I can’t say I don’t agree with your choice. After what…what I did and…almost did to you today.” Becker said.
Jess folded her arms.
“Jess I am…so so sorry for everything.” Becker said. “You were right, Jess. I’ve been acting selfishly for the past three years. I’ve been nothing but useless to you and everyone here. And if it hadn’t been for you, I would be dead.”
Jess lowered her head, looking down at the ground.
“I lost my best mates and I ignored the fact that…you did too.” Becker continued. “ And I ignored that…you’re all I have left Jess.”
New tears fell from her face.
“I don’t blame you for giving up on me Jess. Frankly I’m surprise that you stayed by me this long.” Becker swallowed. “I know you’re disappointed in me. And I know the other’s are too. So I…I just want to apologize for making these last three years hell for you.”
Jess wiped her cheek.
“I’m sorry, Jess.” He whispered. “I’m sorry for everything. And I’m sorry I hurt you today.”
Jess spun around. She grabbed the handle and heaved the door open. Becker stepped from the door. Jess threw her arms around his neck. She buried her face into his shoulder. Her hands trembled as she held him. She felt his arms wrap around her back.
“I thought I’d lost you too.” Jess whispered.
“I’m so sorry Jess.” Becker said.
Jess released him. She gently grabbed his face. “Promise me…I won’t lose you too.”
Becker grabbed one of her hands and kissed it. “I promise. And if I break, just hit me.”
Jess gasped out a small laugh. “God I’m sorry about that.”
Becker leaned forward and gently pressed his lips to her forehead. “Don’t be.”