[UPDATE]A Story of Hurting and Healing, Chapter 20 Part 1
Author : freedomthisway
Rating : PG-13 for this chapter
Character/Pairing : Siwon, Hankyung, Kangin, Hyukjae, Heechul, other made up characters/SiHan, very minor KangHyuk.
Word Count : 15.254 words
Genre : AU and angst like whoa!
Warning: Underage, rape/non-con, younger!Hankyung, a lot of swearing.
Summary : When Hankyung was 7, his mother was remarried to Choi Min Woo, the head of the rich and famous Choi family. The marriage brings Hankyung to the position of Siwon's younger stepbrother.
Their closeness as child changed after they grew older and Siwon found out his feelings toward Hankyung. Not wanting to ruin the family, Siwon chose to keep his love for Hankyung inside and avoid him like crazy instead.
While Hankyung was struggling to bear his own misery, he too realized his feelings for Siwon, but didn't act on it because he assumed Siwon hated him.
After 3 years of escaping from the family, hearing Choi Min Woo's death, Hankyung decided to come back, only to face Siwon's hatred towards him.
All Hankyung wants is a happiness and love with Siwon by his side. Can he reach it eventually?
A Thank You Note : This chapter is beta-ed by the nice and awesome Lin. Thank you, bb.
Chapter 1 :: Chapter 2 :: Chapter 3 & 4 :: Chapter 5
Chapter 6 & 7 :: Chapter 8 :: Chapter 9 :: Chapter 10
Chapter 11 :: Chapter 12 :: Chapter 13 :: Chapter 14
Chapter 15 :: Chapter 16 :: Chapter 17 :: Chapter 18 :: Chapter 19
Author's Note :
God, I painfully realized that it took me almost a YEAR and a half to finish this chapter. To tell the truth, in some points it got too much and I was all ready to dump this story away and move on. But your comments and PMs had greatly refrained me from doing so. It gave me spirit -more than I could ever imagine- to stop whining and instead wrecked my brain out to continue writing it. I'm really sorry for dragging it out too long, guys. I wasn't proud of it but I hope you all can forgive me and find this chapter suits your taste.
I know I promised Hyukjae and Kangin's arrival on Choi's doorstep, but it turns out I have to save their appearance for another chapter, what with this chapter itself has been amount up to more than 14000 words. I never planned for this part to be so lengthy, but my fingers seemed like they had a mind of their own. LOL. Don't worry though. I believe it'll just be two more long chapters and I'll end this story for good. Writing this apparently has taken a huge toll on me and I need to think twice before starting to write another epic piece.
First of all, I'd like to thank all of you who has read this series up to this point. I am even more grateful to those who had left comments and encouragement for me to continue, despite my lack of response... T______T
I hope you'll enjoy this!
Chapter 20
Part 1
Only the memories linger from the days we were together.
Is erasing you the only way to go on living?
Memories spring up in my mind from the days we were together
Is sending you away the only way to go on living?
(Don’t go) Please don’t leave
(Don’t go) But I love you
(Don’t go) You will leave me all alone
Please, Please, Please
Don’t go, don’t go, don’t go
Stupidly I still live for you
Where are you?
I need you so much
Oh baby, my only one
Please stop and come back now
Just tell me this is a joke
Simply return to me
I wanted to live for you forever
In time I grow tired of meeting that love
As much as the pain
As much as the exhaustion
I erase you and try to forget
But there you are, still in my mind
I know you are hurting as much as I am
I know you are as tired as I am
Comeback to me
My unforgettable one
Please stop and come back now
Just like before,
Simply return to me
(Brown Eyes - Gajima [Don't Leave])
Choi Siwon always thinks of himself as a man with strong will and is capable of finding the appropriate (or sometimes inappropriate) means in order to get what he wants.
He also thinks of himself as a man who possesses great reasoning and immovable stubbornness, difficult to unhinge and is proud of it.
So even though Siwon spent most of last night sitting on the edge of his bed and staring blankly at the wall, feeling helpless and lost and desperate, he woke up this morning with a firm decision: he will never, ever, give up.
This isn’t the end yet. And even if it takes his last breath away, he refuses to allow this to be the end.
Hankyung will have to give Siwon many more blows than he already had to make him finally raise the white flag and back away.
Siwon doesn’t want to think about this certain possibility, but even if the worst happen when he runs out of time and has to watch Hankyung’s back as he walks away from this house and from him, he certainly won’t just stand still and do nothing.
Contacting Mr. Hye Seok had been the first thing Siwon did this morning. And as usual, Mr. Hye Seok was listening carefully as Siwon told him his detailed requests.
Keeping an eye on Hankyung while he’s still here living his so-called last days in the house will be like a walk in the park for the old detective. But once Hankyung has packed his bag and leaves, that’s when things will surely get a little tricky. Hankyung is after all has this troublesome talent to disappear off the face of the earth when he wants it, as Siwon can attest to by experience. So he emphasizes to Mr. Hye Seok that he must do everything in his power to keep track of Hankyung, using any means available, so that he can report back to Siwon with the Hankyung’s exact location and let Siwon do the rest of the work.
Siwon’s perfectly aware that he’s planning to break his own promise, but he just doesn’t care anymore. No matter what he does, Hankyung just fails to see what Siwon has in mind for both of them and the thought makes him sigh. Hankyung has been through a lot of suffering because of what Siwon had done and he is just being cautious for his own good, Siwon painfully gets that. After all, Siwon has the same fear. The thought of him one day putting a hurt look on Hankyung’s face once again like he had many times before has always succeed in hitting him with a nauseous wave. Life has never been predictable after all. But Siwon refuses to abandon his feelings for Hankyung (not that he can even if he wants to) just because of some paranoid ideas. It’ll be stupid and cowardly and Siwon likes to think he is above all that. If only Hankyung knows that things had never been easy for Siwon too, then the younger man might be able to bring himself to forgive Siwon and give both of them another chance.
And just like that, a thought clicks in his mind. Siwon lays back on his chair, mulling over the thought carefully, slowly extricating a plan. By the time he’s done, there’s a determined look is on his face as he reaches for the phone and dials Heechul’s number.
If he wants this plan to at least have a chance of succeeding, he’ll need all the time he can get alone with Hankyung. That said, he has to get Heechul out of the picture.
The jerk will bitch, of course. But he’ll comply. He doesn’t want Hankyung to leave too and he’s already at the end of his wits, having gotten a full taste of Hankyung’s stubbornness. If his plan had been different, Siwon is sure he can always use Heechul’s favor.
But what he has in mind is a game for two. And it’s only he and Hankyung who can play it.
---00o00---
Hankyung wipes the sweat running down along his jaw with the back of his hand before sighing as he finishes trimming the last rose bush. Heechul isn’t coming today, just like he wasn’t yesterday. Judging from his grim tone through the phone as he was complaining to Hankyung about the work load he had to finish before the end of this week, Hankyung knows he won’t be able to come to visit on the next few days too.
And it sucks, that’s what this is, because Hankyung can really use some friendly conversation right now to distract his own mind from all these thoughts running around inside his head.
It’s going to be just less than a week left before Hankyung packs his bag and leaves this house, for good this time. And he’ll miss Heechul for sure. Heechul is a newly-found friend whose existence somehow has become very important in Hankyung’s life. Hankyung doesn’t know how, but Heechul understands him. And for someone whose life is complicated like Hankyung, understanding is a golden value.
The train of thought brings Siwon’s particular question that night to fleet inside Hankyung’s mind.
If you think people will leave you after they know your dark secret, then how come Heechul still stays?
Hankyung smiles bitterly as he packs up gardening tools scattered on the ground around him. Even if Hankyung can find words to answer that question, he still thinks Siwon won’t be able to understand.
Heechul is a laid back guy, easy going. He is someone whose job has allowed him to see enough of this world to know that lots of things aren’t how they supposed to be sometimes; to understand that shit happens, leading him to try to accept all the odds trailing behind. No matter how bizarre they may be.
But Hyukjae and Kangin are different. They’re just normal country boys, trying to live their hard life to the fullest without letting their principles and prides go down the drain. Hyukjae goes to church every Sunday and even when he always has to drag an annoyed Kangin along with him everytime, Hankyung had seen Kangin enough times slipping inside confession chamber and coming out all red and puffy eyed. Their horrible past of dealing with gay bashing and the fact that their own parents disowned them right after they decided to come out of the closet had caused both of them to protect their pride like crazy. Kangin told him one night that no matter what happens, he would never, ever, let another person degrade him again for being himself.
Hankyung can still remember that time when the bar had to be shut down temporarily due to recession; three of them were left jobless without their usual steady pay for a few months. They had to tighten their belts, scraping any part-time job they could get, including distributing flyers for a night club to pedestrians -hunching in the biting cold on the side of the street as they distributed them. That was when this guy --all sleek suit and expensive leather shoes-- approached Hyukjae and proposed him a simple fuck and pay. The next thing Hankyung saw was a furious Kangin rushing past him towards the guy and in just a few seconds, his expensive suit already ruined when Kangin slammed him down onto the pavement. Kangin hovered above his lying body and pinned him as he continued to deliver punch after punch onto his face long after the guy stopped wriggling.
It took both Hankyung and Hyukjae to drag Kangin away, still furiously yelling at the unconscious and thoroughly beaten guy beneath him. A crowd was forming around them and all of a sudden they were so terrified someone had called the police that the three of them fled from the scene as fast as they could.
Later, when they were in the safety of their own apartment, Hyukjae slapped Kangin across the cheek so hard with his trembling hand that Hankyung could see Kangin staggering back down a bit. But Hyukjae’s enraged question of ‘what the hell was it you think you were doing, you fucking moron?!’ was met with a heated gaze and a stubborn stance. Kangin’s voice was hoarse yet determined when he said after a moment, “We are indeed fags, Hyukjae-ah. There were times when I get beaten down just for trying to hold your hands, and I could deal with that. But nobody, nobody, can call us whore and just walk away because that’s a whole new level of insult that I can never tolerate. No matter what difficulties we have to put up with, at the very least, we still hold on to our dignity, even when there’s only a little shred of it.”
The memory of Hyukjae’s eyes brimming with tears after, still in shock but silently agreeing to those statements is enough to make Hankyung cringes.
No, Siwon will never understand why keeping that particular dark side of his life to Hyukjae and Kangin is so important for Hankyung; to make sure they will never know what he’d done or else, he’d lose the remaining people in his life and Hankyung won’t be able to live with that.
Even the fact that by doing this means he can’t afford to see them both again, at least it’s an enough knowing that they both will still be out there somewhere, missing him and loving him and remembering him as the same person he was instead of hating him for what he has become.
“I forgot how beautiful this garden could be when somebody actually pays attention to it.”
Startled, Hankyung looks up and sees Siwon standing across him and his heart involuntarily skips a beat. It’s the first time he sees Siwon after that night. He seems to be avoiding him since Hankyung kept finding himself having his meals alone in the dining room. And to tell the truth, Hankyung can’t help but feel a little sad at the lack of Siwon’s presence.
Along with his looming departure from the house, lately Hankyung somehow feels the dire need to see Siwon’s face, to hear his loving words to Hankyung said from across the dinner table and his throaty laugh. He wants to have enough time to map out all of Siwon in a way he had never been able to before. There used to be just horrible and painful memories. There used to be just Siwon’s glare, and his cold hatred, and his stabbing words. But now Hankyung wants to savor the sight of Siwon in this new light: the way he walks, the way he talks, the way he smiles, the way he always looks at Hankyung as if they’re the only two people in this whole wide world. Doesn’t matter if it’s true or it’s just nothing but Hankyung’s imagination, Hankyung needs to soak up every single of Siwon’s loving gesture because soon those memories will be the only thing he can ever have. It’ll be the only thoughts that will occupy his mind on each upcoming night when the loneliness gets too much and he can no longer pretend that he has moved on. In those moments, his only choice will be to retract those tiny fragments of Siwon out of his memory; trying to make himself believe the woven lie and fantasy that he was, once, loved.
Shaking the thought off his head, Hankyung forces himself to focus on the older man in front of him.
“They look good.” Siwon nods toward the rose bushes Hankyung is currently working on, his gaze showing sincere appreciation and Hankyung feels his cheeks gets a little warmer.
Hankyung smiles a bit and mumbles, “Thanks.”
Siwon smiles back and for a moment there’s no word traded between them as he’s just watching Hankyung’s scrambling to finish clearing away his gardening tools.
“So,” Siwon says lightly when Hankyung is finally on his feet. “I take it you’re done here?”
Hankyung stares at him, “... Yeah.” Looking around, he shrugs his shoulders. “I have planned to plant more roses. There’re still some more seeds left back in the shed. But I think I’ll just get to it tomorrow.”
“Great. So now might be a perfect time to ask you a favor.” Siwon replies with a smile, looks nervous.
“What favor?”
Siwon shrugs. “Well, I’ve thought about what you said the other night. And... to tell the truth I still don’t want you to go. But I realize that things have changed now. So I have to change too. I can’t --shouldn’t-- stop you from doing what you want anymore.” Siwon takes one step closer, eyes kind but sharp as he stares at Hankyung. “But that also means, before you finally leave, I still have time and you can’t stop me from still trying to fight for you. You understand that, don’t you?”
Hankyung doesn’t answer, just stares back at Siwon with a carefully blank expression -almost defensive- and it makes Siwon sigh. “Look, all I’m asking is for you to sit right there on that bench with me and listen as I’m telling you some stories. Will that be okay with you?”
Hankyung glances at the direction of the said bench and looks back at Siwon with an eyebrow cocked up, voice wary. “That’s it? You just want me to listen to your stories?”
Siwon nods, trying to give Hankyung an assuring smile. His hands gesture openly as he says, “I swear that is it. I only need you to be my audience.”
And that’s how Hankyung finally finds himself sitting on one of the garden’s benches, Siwon beside him. The wooden seat feels warm from friendly heat of the sun. Occasionally, gentle breezy wind blows and Hankyung watches with weird sense of calmness as it strokes Siwon’s curls along with each slow gust.
Hankyung counts to five before clearing his throat and asks, “Alright, we’re seating. What story you’re going to tell me?”
Siwon doesn’t answer right away, instead his lips quirk into a small smile. He looks ahead of him and another blow of wind strokes his hair again. Only after a while then he turns his gaze to Hankyung, still smiling and his eyes are twinkling with amusement.
“Do you still remember that first time I taught you how to play piano?”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
They had only become brothers for two months, but Siwon found himself getting along really well with Hankyung within a surprisingly short time. Hankyung started to tail behind him everywhere Siwon went, got along with Siwon’s friends with ease, and absorbed every rule of cool games Siwon taught him so quickly that Siwon couldn’t help but felt proud when together they aced most of those games against other children.
Hankyung was a fun companion to be with and the way he looked at Siwon sometimes as if Siwon was his hero always succeeded in making Siwon’s inside glow with warmth. So no, Siwon had never minded Hankyung’s presence alongside him. Not even when one night the rain poured down so heavily outside and Siwon found Hankyung standing in front of his bedroom door clutching on to his blanket, flinching each time a sound of thunder booming from above the house. He ended up sleeping with Hankyung that night on his bed, patting Hankyung’s trembling back in his effort to comfort him. They often shared a bed ever since and it was strange as Siwon soon realized that somehow he had never dreamed of that dream again where he woke up in the middle of the night and walked along the house’s hall with tears streaked on his face, only to find nobody anywhere.
Siwon had never thought the idea of having a little brother would actually be pretty cool. But the moments he spent with Hankyung made everything seem so much better in Siwon’s life.
Take tonight for example. Siwon was having a pretty rough day at school. Some of his schoolmates who thought of him as a dangerous competitor in their efforts to reach the peak of popularity had spent the whole afternoon teasing and laughing at him at the fact that Siwon ‘had no mommy’.
That particular prank wasn’t new to Siwon. He had heard it enough times growing up. But that didn’t mean he’d been immune to the effect it caused. The other kids knew it and it made him an easy target.
Of course, Siwon missed his mother. Even though he couldn’t remember what she looked like except from a piece of her photograph his father had given him a few years ago. Siwon knew his father had given him that so he would stop asking questions about his mother. He knew, but he didn’t stop at first. Until he was old enough to understand the stiffened expression his father had on his face each time he asked a question about her was a sign of him being uncomfortable. His father had been through enough anyway and he had done so many things to make sure Siwon was fully loved, even when he only had a dad in his life.
So yes, Siwon missed his mother every now and then. But in this kind of situation, Siwon found himself missing his mother the most. The emptiness and lacking of feminine fingers caressing his hair; the absence of a soft voice calling out his name had then gotten to him in the worst way, leaving him sadder than ever.
Every time, he would do the only thing he could to make those bad emotions disappear. He’d play the piano, a certain song which --according to his father-- his mother used to like. It didn’t help much, but each time Siwon played the song he would imagine that his mother was beside him, humming along to music created by his fingers on the keys. Siwon always felt slightly better after.
As he was playing, he suddenly noticed Hankyung across the room, staring at him. Siwon kept on playing as Hankyung took a few steps forward to approach him. Once close, Hankyung didn’t say anything, just standing awkwardly beside the piano. But he was clearly listening to Siwon’s play with interest. And in Siwon’s mind, his mother was there, staring at Hankyung with a question in her eyes.
That’s Hankyung, Mother. He’s my new baby brother. Siwon imagined himself saying those words to her. But as always his mother didn’t answer. Siwon couldn’t remember what her voice sounded like and even in his most desperate imagination, Siwon could never bring her out to say anything. It always felt like it would do an injustice for his mother to replace her true forgotten voice with any other one Siwon had in mind.
Feeling another wave of sadness, Siwon shook that thought away and focused on his playing instead. Hankyung patiently waited until he finished the last note before cocking his head to the side, eyes staring intently at Siwon’s face.
“You seem sad.” He said abruptly.
“I am.” Siwon answered, not even bothered to lie.
Hankyung was silent for a while, before turning his attention to the piano. “It was beautiful, Hyung.” He said and then --at Siwon’s questioning gaze-- quickly added. “You playing, I mean.” Another pause, and. “Can you teach me how to do that?”
Siwon stared calculatingly at Hankyung. Siwon had never taught anyone how to play piano before, but his brother looked genuinely interested and teaching him might work as a diversion from the sadness he was feeling. So he shrugged and scooted over to give Hankyung space to sit on the bench. “Sure. Come here.”
Hankyung’s face lit up and Siwon swallowed a smile. Hankyung was always so easy to please. Siwon wished he could be like that all the time. That way, he wouldn’t be bothered by those kids again, no matter what they said about his mother.
As soon as Hankyung took his seat, Siwon hovered his fingers above the piano keys. “Watch and try to imitate me once you get the moves, okay?”
Hankyung’s forehead suddenly creased in worry and doubt, nervously licking his lower lips. So Siwon nudged him with his shoulder and smiled. “Don’t worry. It isn’t as easy as it looks. But I’m sure you can do it.”
Hankyung looked at Siwon for a beat before returning his smile. Then Siwon started playing slowly to make sure Hankyung could catch every note. After a moment, Hankyung’s hesitating fingers raised to press the piano keys too, his eyes flicked back and forth from Siwon’s fingers to his own in order to make sure he played right.
As they were playing together --Siwon’s fingers swiftly moving along to press key after key in a slow tempo while Hankyung’s were stuttering in his best effort to imitate alongside him-- Siwon couldn’t help but notice how Hankyung’s hands were so small compared to him even though both of them were only a few years different in age, and that fondness towards his brother was there again, glowing inside him, making him smile all the way through their practice.
He repeated his actions for a few times until Hankyung could play the song along quite well with him. Like always, Hankyung was pretty quick in catching up and Siwon couldn’t help but feel proud, already feeling much better about himself.
Later on, when they were in Siwon’s room trying to pass the time by re-reading Siwon’s old comic books, Hankyung stared at him and asked, “Hyung, why are you still looking sad?”
So then Siwon told him everything, trying hard to hold back tears as he did that because crying in front of your baby brother was totally uncool.
When Siwon was done, Hankyung looked thoughtful for a moment before speaking in a sincere tone. “I could share my mom with you. She also likes to play with my hair and her touch is very gentle. You’ll like it. I’m sure she’ll play with yours too if you ask. She often bakes me delicious cookies, too. A cake, if it’s my birthday. When’s your birthday? We should ask her to bake you a cake on that day.”
And those strings of sentences touched Siwon in so many ways. Because a mother is precious for every child, yet Hankyung didn’t mind to share his with him. Siwon wasn’t sure he could do the same if he was in Hankyung’s shoes. If his mom was still around, he would cling to her, never let go and wouldn’t let her out of his sight, let alone share it with another kid. At that moment, Siwon had this strong urge to hug Hankyung tightly just so Hankyung would know how much he appreciated his offer. But it’ll be kind of weird. Even his father had stopped hugging him once he was old enough to tie his own shoelaces. So Siwon gave Hankyung his widest smile instead. His throat felt clogged up and it made his voice hoarse as he said, “Yeah, I’d like that.”
Hankyung returned his smile; concern had been erased from his face as he saw Siwon’s face lit up. And a minute later, they were already involved in a heated discussion on how to persuade Eun Hwa to bake cookies for all of Siwon’s classmates so they would see how wrong they were to think that Siwon was different for having no mother to love him.
Ever since that day, Siwon had never been bothered by the other kid’s continuous jeering on his mother, because Siwon knew he was no longer lack of anything. He had a caring father who was always there to guide him whenever he was lost, a sweet and gentle Eun Hwa who baked him a delicious cake on his birthday and caressed his hair with her soft touch, and a cool baby brother who was willing to give anything to him.
He was complete.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
“I’ve never had a chance to express my gratitude on your generous offer that day.” Siwon says after he ends his story, turning to stare at Hankyung with gentle gaze. “You must know how much it meant to me when you said that I can have Eun Hwa as my mother too. Really, thank you so much, Hankyung-ah.”
Hankyung doesn’t answer, still trying to deal with the surprise and all the conflicting emotions swirling inside him from listening to Siwon’s story.
“I was hoping for a fairy tale, or at least a joke, Hyung.” Hankyung tries to say something lightly after clearing his throat. “I never thought it’ll be some kind of history re-telling, that story of yours.”
Siwon ducks his head down, smiles knowingly. “Yeah, I’m sorry about that. It just seems to me that there are too many speculations and assumptions lying around in our past, and I feel like I have to straighten things up a bit. You know, so there’ll be no more misunderstandings.” Siwon‘s tone goes slightly lower and more serious in the last sentence.
Hankyung finds himself nodding at that, unconsciously agreeing to what Siwon said. He can feel Siwon’s warm hand on his shoulder as he’s patting him before rising up to stand.
“That’s it for today, then.” Siwon states, and Hankyung’s face slowly lifts up to look at him. “I have to go now. There are some things I have to take care at the office. I guess I won’t be home in time for dinner, so just go on and eat without me, okay?”
Hankyung nods again; eyes following as Siwon walks away towards the house. But then Siwon halts and turns around and Hankyung can see his eyes staring deeply into his own as he says, “I’ll wait here on the same bench same time tomorrow, Hankyung-ah. I still have some more stories left to tell and I really hope you won’t mind listening to them again.”
It takes a full minute for Hankyung to mumble an Okay and when he finally does, Siwon offers him a thankful smile before turning back and resuming his walk.
The sun has started to set down and its reddened bursts of light illuminates the garden beautifully. The wind that was blowing breezily earlier has turned colder and as Hankyung wraps his arms around his own body against the chilly air starting to surround him, he thinks it’s weird because somehow, somewhere inside his heart feels warmer than ever.
Continued on Part 2
If you'd like to (and I hope you would... :D), please leave your comment on Part 2 page. Thank you very much~!
Rating : PG-13 for this chapter
Character/Pairing : Siwon, Hankyung, Kangin, Hyukjae, Heechul, other made up characters/SiHan, very minor KangHyuk.
Word Count : 15.254 words
Genre : AU and angst like whoa!
Warning: Underage, rape/non-con, younger!Hankyung, a lot of swearing.
Summary : When Hankyung was 7, his mother was remarried to Choi Min Woo, the head of the rich and famous Choi family. The marriage brings Hankyung to the position of Siwon's younger stepbrother.
Their closeness as child changed after they grew older and Siwon found out his feelings toward Hankyung. Not wanting to ruin the family, Siwon chose to keep his love for Hankyung inside and avoid him like crazy instead.
While Hankyung was struggling to bear his own misery, he too realized his feelings for Siwon, but didn't act on it because he assumed Siwon hated him.
After 3 years of escaping from the family, hearing Choi Min Woo's death, Hankyung decided to come back, only to face Siwon's hatred towards him.
All Hankyung wants is a happiness and love with Siwon by his side. Can he reach it eventually?
A Thank You Note : This chapter is beta-ed by the nice and awesome Lin. Thank you, bb.
Chapter 1 :: Chapter 2 :: Chapter 3 & 4 :: Chapter 5
Chapter 6 & 7 :: Chapter 8 :: Chapter 9 :: Chapter 10
Chapter 11 :: Chapter 12 :: Chapter 13 :: Chapter 14
Chapter 15 :: Chapter 16 :: Chapter 17 :: Chapter 18 :: Chapter 19
Author's Note :
God, I painfully realized that it took me almost a YEAR and a half to finish this chapter. To tell the truth, in some points it got too much and I was all ready to dump this story away and move on. But your comments and PMs had greatly refrained me from doing so. It gave me spirit -more than I could ever imagine- to stop whining and instead wrecked my brain out to continue writing it. I'm really sorry for dragging it out too long, guys. I wasn't proud of it but I hope you all can forgive me and find this chapter suits your taste.
I know I promised Hyukjae and Kangin's arrival on Choi's doorstep, but it turns out I have to save their appearance for another chapter, what with this chapter itself has been amount up to more than 14000 words. I never planned for this part to be so lengthy, but my fingers seemed like they had a mind of their own. LOL. Don't worry though. I believe it'll just be two more long chapters and I'll end this story for good. Writing this apparently has taken a huge toll on me and I need to think twice before starting to write another epic piece.
First of all, I'd like to thank all of you who has read this series up to this point. I am even more grateful to those who had left comments and encouragement for me to continue, despite my lack of response... T______T
I hope you'll enjoy this!
Chapter 20
Part 1
Only the memories linger from the days we were together.
Is erasing you the only way to go on living?
Memories spring up in my mind from the days we were together
Is sending you away the only way to go on living?
(Don’t go) Please don’t leave
(Don’t go) But I love you
(Don’t go) You will leave me all alone
Please, Please, Please
Don’t go, don’t go, don’t go
Stupidly I still live for you
Where are you?
I need you so much
Oh baby, my only one
Please stop and come back now
Just tell me this is a joke
Simply return to me
I wanted to live for you forever
In time I grow tired of meeting that love
As much as the pain
As much as the exhaustion
I erase you and try to forget
But there you are, still in my mind
I know you are hurting as much as I am
I know you are as tired as I am
Comeback to me
My unforgettable one
Please stop and come back now
Just like before,
Simply return to me
(Brown Eyes - Gajima [Don't Leave])
Choi Siwon always thinks of himself as a man with strong will and is capable of finding the appropriate (or sometimes inappropriate) means in order to get what he wants.
He also thinks of himself as a man who possesses great reasoning and immovable stubbornness, difficult to unhinge and is proud of it.
So even though Siwon spent most of last night sitting on the edge of his bed and staring blankly at the wall, feeling helpless and lost and desperate, he woke up this morning with a firm decision: he will never, ever, give up.
This isn’t the end yet. And even if it takes his last breath away, he refuses to allow this to be the end.
Hankyung will have to give Siwon many more blows than he already had to make him finally raise the white flag and back away.
Siwon doesn’t want to think about this certain possibility, but even if the worst happen when he runs out of time and has to watch Hankyung’s back as he walks away from this house and from him, he certainly won’t just stand still and do nothing.
Contacting Mr. Hye Seok had been the first thing Siwon did this morning. And as usual, Mr. Hye Seok was listening carefully as Siwon told him his detailed requests.
Keeping an eye on Hankyung while he’s still here living his so-called last days in the house will be like a walk in the park for the old detective. But once Hankyung has packed his bag and leaves, that’s when things will surely get a little tricky. Hankyung is after all has this troublesome talent to disappear off the face of the earth when he wants it, as Siwon can attest to by experience. So he emphasizes to Mr. Hye Seok that he must do everything in his power to keep track of Hankyung, using any means available, so that he can report back to Siwon with the Hankyung’s exact location and let Siwon do the rest of the work.
Siwon’s perfectly aware that he’s planning to break his own promise, but he just doesn’t care anymore. No matter what he does, Hankyung just fails to see what Siwon has in mind for both of them and the thought makes him sigh. Hankyung has been through a lot of suffering because of what Siwon had done and he is just being cautious for his own good, Siwon painfully gets that. After all, Siwon has the same fear. The thought of him one day putting a hurt look on Hankyung’s face once again like he had many times before has always succeed in hitting him with a nauseous wave. Life has never been predictable after all. But Siwon refuses to abandon his feelings for Hankyung (not that he can even if he wants to) just because of some paranoid ideas. It’ll be stupid and cowardly and Siwon likes to think he is above all that. If only Hankyung knows that things had never been easy for Siwon too, then the younger man might be able to bring himself to forgive Siwon and give both of them another chance.
And just like that, a thought clicks in his mind. Siwon lays back on his chair, mulling over the thought carefully, slowly extricating a plan. By the time he’s done, there’s a determined look is on his face as he reaches for the phone and dials Heechul’s number.
If he wants this plan to at least have a chance of succeeding, he’ll need all the time he can get alone with Hankyung. That said, he has to get Heechul out of the picture.
The jerk will bitch, of course. But he’ll comply. He doesn’t want Hankyung to leave too and he’s already at the end of his wits, having gotten a full taste of Hankyung’s stubbornness. If his plan had been different, Siwon is sure he can always use Heechul’s favor.
But what he has in mind is a game for two. And it’s only he and Hankyung who can play it.
---00o00---
Hankyung wipes the sweat running down along his jaw with the back of his hand before sighing as he finishes trimming the last rose bush. Heechul isn’t coming today, just like he wasn’t yesterday. Judging from his grim tone through the phone as he was complaining to Hankyung about the work load he had to finish before the end of this week, Hankyung knows he won’t be able to come to visit on the next few days too.
And it sucks, that’s what this is, because Hankyung can really use some friendly conversation right now to distract his own mind from all these thoughts running around inside his head.
It’s going to be just less than a week left before Hankyung packs his bag and leaves this house, for good this time. And he’ll miss Heechul for sure. Heechul is a newly-found friend whose existence somehow has become very important in Hankyung’s life. Hankyung doesn’t know how, but Heechul understands him. And for someone whose life is complicated like Hankyung, understanding is a golden value.
The train of thought brings Siwon’s particular question that night to fleet inside Hankyung’s mind.
If you think people will leave you after they know your dark secret, then how come Heechul still stays?
Hankyung smiles bitterly as he packs up gardening tools scattered on the ground around him. Even if Hankyung can find words to answer that question, he still thinks Siwon won’t be able to understand.
Heechul is a laid back guy, easy going. He is someone whose job has allowed him to see enough of this world to know that lots of things aren’t how they supposed to be sometimes; to understand that shit happens, leading him to try to accept all the odds trailing behind. No matter how bizarre they may be.
But Hyukjae and Kangin are different. They’re just normal country boys, trying to live their hard life to the fullest without letting their principles and prides go down the drain. Hyukjae goes to church every Sunday and even when he always has to drag an annoyed Kangin along with him everytime, Hankyung had seen Kangin enough times slipping inside confession chamber and coming out all red and puffy eyed. Their horrible past of dealing with gay bashing and the fact that their own parents disowned them right after they decided to come out of the closet had caused both of them to protect their pride like crazy. Kangin told him one night that no matter what happens, he would never, ever, let another person degrade him again for being himself.
Hankyung can still remember that time when the bar had to be shut down temporarily due to recession; three of them were left jobless without their usual steady pay for a few months. They had to tighten their belts, scraping any part-time job they could get, including distributing flyers for a night club to pedestrians -hunching in the biting cold on the side of the street as they distributed them. That was when this guy --all sleek suit and expensive leather shoes-- approached Hyukjae and proposed him a simple fuck and pay. The next thing Hankyung saw was a furious Kangin rushing past him towards the guy and in just a few seconds, his expensive suit already ruined when Kangin slammed him down onto the pavement. Kangin hovered above his lying body and pinned him as he continued to deliver punch after punch onto his face long after the guy stopped wriggling.
It took both Hankyung and Hyukjae to drag Kangin away, still furiously yelling at the unconscious and thoroughly beaten guy beneath him. A crowd was forming around them and all of a sudden they were so terrified someone had called the police that the three of them fled from the scene as fast as they could.
Later, when they were in the safety of their own apartment, Hyukjae slapped Kangin across the cheek so hard with his trembling hand that Hankyung could see Kangin staggering back down a bit. But Hyukjae’s enraged question of ‘what the hell was it you think you were doing, you fucking moron?!’ was met with a heated gaze and a stubborn stance. Kangin’s voice was hoarse yet determined when he said after a moment, “We are indeed fags, Hyukjae-ah. There were times when I get beaten down just for trying to hold your hands, and I could deal with that. But nobody, nobody, can call us whore and just walk away because that’s a whole new level of insult that I can never tolerate. No matter what difficulties we have to put up with, at the very least, we still hold on to our dignity, even when there’s only a little shred of it.”
The memory of Hyukjae’s eyes brimming with tears after, still in shock but silently agreeing to those statements is enough to make Hankyung cringes.
No, Siwon will never understand why keeping that particular dark side of his life to Hyukjae and Kangin is so important for Hankyung; to make sure they will never know what he’d done or else, he’d lose the remaining people in his life and Hankyung won’t be able to live with that.
Even the fact that by doing this means he can’t afford to see them both again, at least it’s an enough knowing that they both will still be out there somewhere, missing him and loving him and remembering him as the same person he was instead of hating him for what he has become.
“I forgot how beautiful this garden could be when somebody actually pays attention to it.”
Startled, Hankyung looks up and sees Siwon standing across him and his heart involuntarily skips a beat. It’s the first time he sees Siwon after that night. He seems to be avoiding him since Hankyung kept finding himself having his meals alone in the dining room. And to tell the truth, Hankyung can’t help but feel a little sad at the lack of Siwon’s presence.
Along with his looming departure from the house, lately Hankyung somehow feels the dire need to see Siwon’s face, to hear his loving words to Hankyung said from across the dinner table and his throaty laugh. He wants to have enough time to map out all of Siwon in a way he had never been able to before. There used to be just horrible and painful memories. There used to be just Siwon’s glare, and his cold hatred, and his stabbing words. But now Hankyung wants to savor the sight of Siwon in this new light: the way he walks, the way he talks, the way he smiles, the way he always looks at Hankyung as if they’re the only two people in this whole wide world. Doesn’t matter if it’s true or it’s just nothing but Hankyung’s imagination, Hankyung needs to soak up every single of Siwon’s loving gesture because soon those memories will be the only thing he can ever have. It’ll be the only thoughts that will occupy his mind on each upcoming night when the loneliness gets too much and he can no longer pretend that he has moved on. In those moments, his only choice will be to retract those tiny fragments of Siwon out of his memory; trying to make himself believe the woven lie and fantasy that he was, once, loved.
Shaking the thought off his head, Hankyung forces himself to focus on the older man in front of him.
“They look good.” Siwon nods toward the rose bushes Hankyung is currently working on, his gaze showing sincere appreciation and Hankyung feels his cheeks gets a little warmer.
Hankyung smiles a bit and mumbles, “Thanks.”
Siwon smiles back and for a moment there’s no word traded between them as he’s just watching Hankyung’s scrambling to finish clearing away his gardening tools.
“So,” Siwon says lightly when Hankyung is finally on his feet. “I take it you’re done here?”
Hankyung stares at him, “... Yeah.” Looking around, he shrugs his shoulders. “I have planned to plant more roses. There’re still some more seeds left back in the shed. But I think I’ll just get to it tomorrow.”
“Great. So now might be a perfect time to ask you a favor.” Siwon replies with a smile, looks nervous.
“What favor?”
Siwon shrugs. “Well, I’ve thought about what you said the other night. And... to tell the truth I still don’t want you to go. But I realize that things have changed now. So I have to change too. I can’t --shouldn’t-- stop you from doing what you want anymore.” Siwon takes one step closer, eyes kind but sharp as he stares at Hankyung. “But that also means, before you finally leave, I still have time and you can’t stop me from still trying to fight for you. You understand that, don’t you?”
Hankyung doesn’t answer, just stares back at Siwon with a carefully blank expression -almost defensive- and it makes Siwon sigh. “Look, all I’m asking is for you to sit right there on that bench with me and listen as I’m telling you some stories. Will that be okay with you?”
Hankyung glances at the direction of the said bench and looks back at Siwon with an eyebrow cocked up, voice wary. “That’s it? You just want me to listen to your stories?”
Siwon nods, trying to give Hankyung an assuring smile. His hands gesture openly as he says, “I swear that is it. I only need you to be my audience.”
And that’s how Hankyung finally finds himself sitting on one of the garden’s benches, Siwon beside him. The wooden seat feels warm from friendly heat of the sun. Occasionally, gentle breezy wind blows and Hankyung watches with weird sense of calmness as it strokes Siwon’s curls along with each slow gust.
Hankyung counts to five before clearing his throat and asks, “Alright, we’re seating. What story you’re going to tell me?”
Siwon doesn’t answer right away, instead his lips quirk into a small smile. He looks ahead of him and another blow of wind strokes his hair again. Only after a while then he turns his gaze to Hankyung, still smiling and his eyes are twinkling with amusement.
“Do you still remember that first time I taught you how to play piano?”
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They had only become brothers for two months, but Siwon found himself getting along really well with Hankyung within a surprisingly short time. Hankyung started to tail behind him everywhere Siwon went, got along with Siwon’s friends with ease, and absorbed every rule of cool games Siwon taught him so quickly that Siwon couldn’t help but felt proud when together they aced most of those games against other children.
Hankyung was a fun companion to be with and the way he looked at Siwon sometimes as if Siwon was his hero always succeeded in making Siwon’s inside glow with warmth. So no, Siwon had never minded Hankyung’s presence alongside him. Not even when one night the rain poured down so heavily outside and Siwon found Hankyung standing in front of his bedroom door clutching on to his blanket, flinching each time a sound of thunder booming from above the house. He ended up sleeping with Hankyung that night on his bed, patting Hankyung’s trembling back in his effort to comfort him. They often shared a bed ever since and it was strange as Siwon soon realized that somehow he had never dreamed of that dream again where he woke up in the middle of the night and walked along the house’s hall with tears streaked on his face, only to find nobody anywhere.
Siwon had never thought the idea of having a little brother would actually be pretty cool. But the moments he spent with Hankyung made everything seem so much better in Siwon’s life.
Take tonight for example. Siwon was having a pretty rough day at school. Some of his schoolmates who thought of him as a dangerous competitor in their efforts to reach the peak of popularity had spent the whole afternoon teasing and laughing at him at the fact that Siwon ‘had no mommy’.
That particular prank wasn’t new to Siwon. He had heard it enough times growing up. But that didn’t mean he’d been immune to the effect it caused. The other kids knew it and it made him an easy target.
Of course, Siwon missed his mother. Even though he couldn’t remember what she looked like except from a piece of her photograph his father had given him a few years ago. Siwon knew his father had given him that so he would stop asking questions about his mother. He knew, but he didn’t stop at first. Until he was old enough to understand the stiffened expression his father had on his face each time he asked a question about her was a sign of him being uncomfortable. His father had been through enough anyway and he had done so many things to make sure Siwon was fully loved, even when he only had a dad in his life.
So yes, Siwon missed his mother every now and then. But in this kind of situation, Siwon found himself missing his mother the most. The emptiness and lacking of feminine fingers caressing his hair; the absence of a soft voice calling out his name had then gotten to him in the worst way, leaving him sadder than ever.
Every time, he would do the only thing he could to make those bad emotions disappear. He’d play the piano, a certain song which --according to his father-- his mother used to like. It didn’t help much, but each time Siwon played the song he would imagine that his mother was beside him, humming along to music created by his fingers on the keys. Siwon always felt slightly better after.
As he was playing, he suddenly noticed Hankyung across the room, staring at him. Siwon kept on playing as Hankyung took a few steps forward to approach him. Once close, Hankyung didn’t say anything, just standing awkwardly beside the piano. But he was clearly listening to Siwon’s play with interest. And in Siwon’s mind, his mother was there, staring at Hankyung with a question in her eyes.
That’s Hankyung, Mother. He’s my new baby brother. Siwon imagined himself saying those words to her. But as always his mother didn’t answer. Siwon couldn’t remember what her voice sounded like and even in his most desperate imagination, Siwon could never bring her out to say anything. It always felt like it would do an injustice for his mother to replace her true forgotten voice with any other one Siwon had in mind.
Feeling another wave of sadness, Siwon shook that thought away and focused on his playing instead. Hankyung patiently waited until he finished the last note before cocking his head to the side, eyes staring intently at Siwon’s face.
“You seem sad.” He said abruptly.
“I am.” Siwon answered, not even bothered to lie.
Hankyung was silent for a while, before turning his attention to the piano. “It was beautiful, Hyung.” He said and then --at Siwon’s questioning gaze-- quickly added. “You playing, I mean.” Another pause, and. “Can you teach me how to do that?”
Siwon stared calculatingly at Hankyung. Siwon had never taught anyone how to play piano before, but his brother looked genuinely interested and teaching him might work as a diversion from the sadness he was feeling. So he shrugged and scooted over to give Hankyung space to sit on the bench. “Sure. Come here.”
Hankyung’s face lit up and Siwon swallowed a smile. Hankyung was always so easy to please. Siwon wished he could be like that all the time. That way, he wouldn’t be bothered by those kids again, no matter what they said about his mother.
As soon as Hankyung took his seat, Siwon hovered his fingers above the piano keys. “Watch and try to imitate me once you get the moves, okay?”
Hankyung’s forehead suddenly creased in worry and doubt, nervously licking his lower lips. So Siwon nudged him with his shoulder and smiled. “Don’t worry. It isn’t as easy as it looks. But I’m sure you can do it.”
Hankyung looked at Siwon for a beat before returning his smile. Then Siwon started playing slowly to make sure Hankyung could catch every note. After a moment, Hankyung’s hesitating fingers raised to press the piano keys too, his eyes flicked back and forth from Siwon’s fingers to his own in order to make sure he played right.
As they were playing together --Siwon’s fingers swiftly moving along to press key after key in a slow tempo while Hankyung’s were stuttering in his best effort to imitate alongside him-- Siwon couldn’t help but notice how Hankyung’s hands were so small compared to him even though both of them were only a few years different in age, and that fondness towards his brother was there again, glowing inside him, making him smile all the way through their practice.
He repeated his actions for a few times until Hankyung could play the song along quite well with him. Like always, Hankyung was pretty quick in catching up and Siwon couldn’t help but feel proud, already feeling much better about himself.
Later on, when they were in Siwon’s room trying to pass the time by re-reading Siwon’s old comic books, Hankyung stared at him and asked, “Hyung, why are you still looking sad?”
So then Siwon told him everything, trying hard to hold back tears as he did that because crying in front of your baby brother was totally uncool.
When Siwon was done, Hankyung looked thoughtful for a moment before speaking in a sincere tone. “I could share my mom with you. She also likes to play with my hair and her touch is very gentle. You’ll like it. I’m sure she’ll play with yours too if you ask. She often bakes me delicious cookies, too. A cake, if it’s my birthday. When’s your birthday? We should ask her to bake you a cake on that day.”
And those strings of sentences touched Siwon in so many ways. Because a mother is precious for every child, yet Hankyung didn’t mind to share his with him. Siwon wasn’t sure he could do the same if he was in Hankyung’s shoes. If his mom was still around, he would cling to her, never let go and wouldn’t let her out of his sight, let alone share it with another kid. At that moment, Siwon had this strong urge to hug Hankyung tightly just so Hankyung would know how much he appreciated his offer. But it’ll be kind of weird. Even his father had stopped hugging him once he was old enough to tie his own shoelaces. So Siwon gave Hankyung his widest smile instead. His throat felt clogged up and it made his voice hoarse as he said, “Yeah, I’d like that.”
Hankyung returned his smile; concern had been erased from his face as he saw Siwon’s face lit up. And a minute later, they were already involved in a heated discussion on how to persuade Eun Hwa to bake cookies for all of Siwon’s classmates so they would see how wrong they were to think that Siwon was different for having no mother to love him.
Ever since that day, Siwon had never been bothered by the other kid’s continuous jeering on his mother, because Siwon knew he was no longer lack of anything. He had a caring father who was always there to guide him whenever he was lost, a sweet and gentle Eun Hwa who baked him a delicious cake on his birthday and caressed his hair with her soft touch, and a cool baby brother who was willing to give anything to him.
He was complete.
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“I’ve never had a chance to express my gratitude on your generous offer that day.” Siwon says after he ends his story, turning to stare at Hankyung with gentle gaze. “You must know how much it meant to me when you said that I can have Eun Hwa as my mother too. Really, thank you so much, Hankyung-ah.”
Hankyung doesn’t answer, still trying to deal with the surprise and all the conflicting emotions swirling inside him from listening to Siwon’s story.
“I was hoping for a fairy tale, or at least a joke, Hyung.” Hankyung tries to say something lightly after clearing his throat. “I never thought it’ll be some kind of history re-telling, that story of yours.”
Siwon ducks his head down, smiles knowingly. “Yeah, I’m sorry about that. It just seems to me that there are too many speculations and assumptions lying around in our past, and I feel like I have to straighten things up a bit. You know, so there’ll be no more misunderstandings.” Siwon‘s tone goes slightly lower and more serious in the last sentence.
Hankyung finds himself nodding at that, unconsciously agreeing to what Siwon said. He can feel Siwon’s warm hand on his shoulder as he’s patting him before rising up to stand.
“That’s it for today, then.” Siwon states, and Hankyung’s face slowly lifts up to look at him. “I have to go now. There are some things I have to take care at the office. I guess I won’t be home in time for dinner, so just go on and eat without me, okay?”
Hankyung nods again; eyes following as Siwon walks away towards the house. But then Siwon halts and turns around and Hankyung can see his eyes staring deeply into his own as he says, “I’ll wait here on the same bench same time tomorrow, Hankyung-ah. I still have some more stories left to tell and I really hope you won’t mind listening to them again.”
It takes a full minute for Hankyung to mumble an Okay and when he finally does, Siwon offers him a thankful smile before turning back and resuming his walk.
The sun has started to set down and its reddened bursts of light illuminates the garden beautifully. The wind that was blowing breezily earlier has turned colder and as Hankyung wraps his arms around his own body against the chilly air starting to surround him, he thinks it’s weird because somehow, somewhere inside his heart feels warmer than ever.
Continued on Part 2
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