The State of the Union 2006
It's becoming an annual thing--I recap the State of the Union so you don't have to watch it.
And it was really, really bad this year, so be glad you didn't watch it. As always, my Democratic bias is pretty damn obvious.
And so, without further ado, the political-speak to snark translation of the State of the Union, or as I prefer to think of it this year: State of the Union: Seriously?!
BUSH: Dick, Denny, Congresscritters, minions of mine on the Supreme Court, distinguished guests, diplomat-types…
DIPLOMATS: *wake up* Huh? Why are we getting a shout-out?
BUSH: And the rest of America who is just tuning into the fact that I'm on pretty much every channel that's not showing American Idol. And frankly it's a coin toss to decide which option is more painful.
Anyway, tonight we have to rearrange my State of the Union opening because Coretta Scott King died today and if I don't mention it I'm a cold callous bastard. So let's all give a round of applause to Coretta Scott King, who's been reunited with her husband Martin Luther King, Jr., now, okay?
CONGRESS: *standing ovation*
BUSH: Now that that's out of the way, back to my speech. Every time I come up to this rostrum-see, I know it's called a rostrum now. Thanks, Denny, for that word-a-day calendar for Christmas-I'm humbled in an incredibly unhumble way. We've gathered together in this Capitol for times of national tragedy and of great achievement. I can't think of when the achievement was, but I've been assured that we've had some by my handlers, so I'm just going to press on here. But the important thing is that I've been there for these last six years. It's all about me. Yup. None of the 200 plus years of achievement that have occurred in the Capitol matter before me. It's all about me tonight.
CONGRESS: Oh God. It's going to be unbearable tonight, isn't it? *gets out crossword puzzles early*
BUSH: Anyway. In this system of two parties, I'm finally learning that there will sometimes be disagreements.
DEMOCRATS: Um. Yeah. Dumbass.
REPUBLICANS: Um. Yeah. Dumbass. Sir.
BUSH: But we need to be able to disagree in a civilized manner.
DEMOCRATS: Seriously?
REPUBLICANS: Seriously?!
KARL ROVE: Seriously?!?
BUSH: Yup. We shouldn't allow our disagreements to harden into anger.
CONGRESS: *points at each other* They started it.
BUSH: Heh. Right. Anyway. The sentence you've been waiting to hear me say: The state of our union is strong, and together we'll make it stronger.
CONGRESS: *standing ovation, as required*
BUSH: We'll either choose to act needlessly confident in the pursuit of enemies or retreat from our duties in the hope of an easier life.
CONGRESS: We like that second one.
BUSH: We'll either choose to build our prosperity by leading the world economy or shut ourselves off from trade and opportunity.
CONGRESS: Again, we like that second one.
BUSH: Yeah, well, I know. But isolationism might seem bright and shiny but in the end it only leads to tears and pain. The only way to protect our people, the only way to secure the peace, the only way to control our destiny is by leadership.
AMERICAN PEOPLE: Wow are we screwed.
CONGRESS: *standing ovation*
BUSH: Abroad, our nation is committed to a historic, long-term goal: We seek to end tyranny our world. Um, not you, Saudi Arabia. Some dismiss that goal as misguided idealism.
DEMOCRATS: Um, a little bit, yeah.
BUSH: On September 11, 2001…
CONGRESS: *drinks*
BUSH: We found that problems originating in a failed oppressive state 7,000 miles away could bring murder and destruction to our country.
CONGRESS: *does geography* Um. Iraq's 6,100 miles away. Iran's 6,300 miles away. Oh. Afghanistan's 7,000 miles away. Huh. You're blaming 9/11 on Afghanistan now? Interesting approach.
BUSH: Dictatorships shelter terrorists, and feed resentment and radicalism. Not you, Saudi Arabia. Democracies replace resentment with hope, respect the rights of their citizens and their neighbors, and join in the fight against terror.
CONGRESS: *does politics* Hell, that definition doesn't even apply to this democracy, dinkus.
BUSH: Every step toward freedom in the world makes our country safer, so we act stupidly, err, boldly in freedom's cause.
CONGRESS: *applauds because, hey, freedom*
BUSH: The advance of freedom is the great story of our time. In 1945 there were about two dozen lonely democracies. They were forlorn and sad, full of soulpain that the rest of the world hadn't realized how great they were. Then through the dating service of the United Nations other countries realized that democracy was really an STD of liberation-now there are 122 countries around the world that claim to have, err, be democracies. Some of them might even actually be democracies. Go them.
CONGRESS: That was a seriously overplayed metaphor.
BUSH: Anyway. At the start of 2006, more then half of the people in our world live in democratic nations. But the rest of you-those who live in Syria and Burma, North Korea and Iran-well, we're thinking about you. We're thinking, "wow are we glad we don't live in Burma," but we're thinking about you.
CONGRESS: *applauds because they don’t want to live in Burma either*
BUSH: Freedom rules, yo, but some people, and I'm looking at you, radical Islamists who aren't in Saudi Arabia, don't think so. Terrorists like bin Laden want to impose a heartless system of totalitarian control throughout the Middle East, arm themselves with weapons of mass destruction, take over Iraq and KILL US ALL.
CONGRESS: *blinks* Huh. That sucks.
BUSH: When they murder children in Beslan or blow up commuters in London or behead captives, the terrorists hope that we'll hide like Saddam Hussein and allow the crazies to take over the world. But we love freedom, so that's not going to happen.
CONGRESS: *applauds because again, freedom*
BUSH: In these times of trouble, we can't abandon our commitments. So stop asking about Iraq, okay? We're keeping them busy there so they don't blow us up here. That's our new story and we're sticking with it. There is no peace in retreat. There is no honor in retreat.
*pauses for applause*
CONGRESS: *is silent*
BUSH: Huh. Anyway. By allowing radical Islam to work its will, by leaving Iraq to fend for itself, we could be telling the whole world we're a bunch of cowards and this cannot happen. The United States will not retreat from the world, and we will never surrender to evil, OMG, as my daughters say.
CONGRESS: *kind of applauds*
BUSH: We remain on the offensive against terror networks. We've killed or captured many of their leaders. Really. We have. We're on the offensive in Afghanistan where the President and the national assembly are trying their damndest to pull their country back from the brink of insanity. We're on the offensive in Iraq, with a clear plan for victory.
JOINT CHIEFS: We have a plan?
RUMSFELD: *death glare*
JOINT CHIEFS: Oh yeah. That plan. The…secret one.
BUSH: We're helping the Iraqis build an inclusive government so that resentments will be eased and the insurgency will be marginalized.
TED KENNEDY: Yeah. And then I will fly around this room using nothing but fairy dust and two bound copies of the Congressional Record.
BUSH: And, and, and! We are continuing reconstruction efforts by helping the Iraqi government fight corruption that isn't, you know, bribes from Jack Aberhoff, and helping them build a modern economy for Justice! Err. Freedom. Sorry. I've been watching too many Tick cartoons recently. We're also blowing up as many terrorists as we can find. Also for freedom. The Iraqis are being awesome and we're proud to be their allies in the sense of "taking over their country and now wondering how the hell we get out of this." Oh. Freedom. Stand up, yo.
CONGRESS: *stands up, yo*
BUSH: Our work is hard, and our enemy is brutal, which no one mentioned to me when I came up with this plan back in 2003. In less than three years, Iraq has gone from dictatorship to liberation to sovereignty to a constitution to national election which isn't actually any kind of list that makes sense in a "going from something to going to something else" kind of way.
DEMOCRATS: We'll tell you what Iraq's gone to…
BUSH: Shut up. We are in this fight to win, and we are winning.
REPUBLICANS: *standing ovation*
DEMOCRATS: *are really, really not standing up*
BUSH: Fine. Be like that. As we make progress, we should be able to further decrease our troop levels. But those decisions will be made by the military and not by whiny jackasses in Congress.
CONGRESS: *glares*
BUSH: Along the way, we've learned from, um, responsible criticism. Yeah. That's what we'll call it. But remember that there's a difference between responsible criticism that aims for success and defeatism that refuses to acknowledge anything but failure. For one, the first one never comes from Democrats. Um, ignore that part where I was telling you all to get along at the beginning of my speech.
DEMOCRATS: *throw things*
BUSH: Hindsight alone is not wisdom. And second-guessing is not a strategy.
CONGRESS: Seriously? That's what you have to say? No wonder your approval rating's in the toilet.
BUSH: Fine. Let me level with you. A sudden withdrawal of our forces from Iraq would abandon our allies to death and prison, would put people like bin Laden and Zarqawi in charge and show that a promise from the United States means dinky-doo. So STOP BUGGING ME ABOUT IT. I'm not turning back.
CONGRESS: Huh.
BUSH: You want me to bring out the big guns? Here's Human Props #1, #2, and #3. They were all related to this Dead Soldier, whose letter about honor I will now read to shame you all.
HUMAN PROPS #1, #2, #3: *stand up, wave*
CONGRESS: *applauds them, but seems unashamed*
BUSH: Our nation is grateful to the fallen who have given their lives for our country. We are grateful to all who volunteer to wear the military uniform. And we also honor their families.
CONGRESS: *standing ovation as is required any time the military or their families are mentioned*
BUSH: Our offensive against terror involves more than just shooting at things. Really. It does. It's also about elections. Raising up a democracy requires rules of law, protections of minorities, and strong, accountable institutions that last longer than a single vote.
DEMOCRATS: *slightly inappropriate snickering*
BUSH: Egypt has just voted in multiparty presidential elections and now we'd really like it if they could allow for opposition parties to peacefully protest without necessarily blowing things up. And, um, there was also a vote in Palestine, but we're just going to pretend that people voted for Hamas for their as-yet undiscovered reasonableness when it comes to negotiating for peace with Israel. And Saudi Arabia's also done something nebulous but we'll praise them for it anyway just because, well, Saudi Arabia.
Democracy in the Middle East might not look like ours. At all. But liberty is right and the hope of all humanity. And liberty is a lot like freedom, which means you all have to applaud.
CONGRESS: *applauds*
BUSH: And while I'm on the Middle East, Iran, don’t think we're not watching you. You're a nation held hostage by a clerical elite that is isolating and repressing its people. You're sponsoring terrorism in Palestine and Lebanon and you better cut it out.
SOME MEMBERS OF CONGRESS: *applaud*
MOST OF CONGRESS: Um. Could we focus on the wars we've already started, please?
BUSH: And don't think you can have nukes, either. Just putting that out there. And now let me address the Iranian people. We respect you, we respect your country. We just wish you were a democracy. You know, like Iraq.
IRANIANS: Aww, fuck. *start packing*
BUSH: To overcome dangers in our world we must also take the offensive in encouraging economic progress and fighting disease and spreading hope in hopeless lands. Isolationism is bad. Freedom is good. Just in case you've been nodding off. Carl Levin, I'm looking at you.
CARL LEVIN: *wakes up*
BUSH: We show compassion abroad because Americans are Good People. We believe in the dignity of a villager with HIV/AIDS, or an infant with malaria, or a little girl sold into slavery. We're not going to put a lot of money behind fighting any of those things, but we're still Good People.
Enough about compassion. Back to being on the offensive. We have totally fantastic law enforcement people who are dedicating their lives to protecting us all and deserve our support and thanks.
CONGRESS: *standing ovation, support and thanks, etcetera*
BUSH: They also deserve the same tools they use to fight drug trafficking and organized crime, so I ask you to reauthorize the Patriot Act.
CONGRESS: *blinks* Seriously? You think the stuff in the Patriot Act is the same as what we have authorized to track down organized crime? Are you high?
BUSH: It's said that prior to September 11…
CONGRESS: *drinks*
BUSH: …our government failed to connect the dots of the conspiracy. This was a bit of a glaringly obvious thing. But we totally missed it. Because of that, and based on Constitutional authority that has been codified in a series of laws I'm not going to actually mention, I've authorized extensive surveillance over all communications to listen in on anything that might be remotely al Qaeda-related. But, um, pay no attention. Look over here at the shiny ball.
AMERICAN PEOPLE: Oooh. Shiny ball.
CONGRESS: *facepalms*
BUSH: But this is all in the protection of freedom. Um. Pay no attention to the inherent hypocrisy of that entire last paragraph. The only alternative to American leadership is a scary, terrifying world.
Um. Also pay no attention to the rest of the world falling out of their chairs giggling at that statement. Shiny ball! Focus on the shiny ball!
We choose to lead because it's a privilege to serve the values that gave us birth. American leaders from Roosevelt to Truman to Kennedy to Reagan rejected isolationism because they knew that the best defense is a good offense.
TED KENNEDY: *looks smug*
BUSH: Not you Kennedy. The other Kennedy. Our own generation is fighting a determined enemy, a war that will be fought by presidents and Congresses for the next gazillion years. And they'll need your support. And so do I. Help me lead the world toward freedom.
CONGRESS: Seriously?
BUSH: Here at home…
CONGRESS: Halfway done! *toasts each other with concealed whiskey flasks*
BUSH: *glares* Here at home, America has a great opportunity to build our prosperity by strengthening our economic leadership in the world.
CONGRESS: Oh, the economy. *takes nap*
BUSH: Our economy is healthy and vigorous and growing faster than some other countries in the world. We've created 4.6 million new jobs-more than Japan and the EU combined.
REPUBLICANS: *applaud*
DEMOCRATS: *are so, so bored*
BUSH: even in the face of higher energy prices and natural disasters, the American people turned in an economic performance that is the envy of the world. But China and India are catching up fast. And that leads to people thinking that we should be isolationists. Or that we should raise taxes and centralize more economic power. We also hear people saying that immigrants are bad for the economy. Immigrants aren't bad for the economy. *glares at Congress*
CONGRESS: *stands up, applauds immigrants*
BUSH: These are all form of economic retreat, and I RETREAT FROM NOTHING. I set a better path: an agenda that will raise the standards of living and generate new jobs. And it will cost you nothing. In the last five years, you've passed incredibly irresponsible tax cuts that are due to expire in the next few years. If we do nothing, American families will face massive tax increases that they do not expect and will not welcome. Except that I've just said this in a nationally televised speech and the bill isn't due to expire for years, giving them ample warning.
Anyway. We should make the tax cuts permanent. Ridiculously rich people are people too.
REPUBLICANS: *standing ovation*
DEMOCRATS: *sulk*
BUSH: Also, I want you to give me the line-item veto. And a pony, since I'm asking for things aren't going to happen.
CONGRESS: *rolls its eyes*
BUSH: And I should probably mention Social Security now since I spent a half-hour last year talking about how the END WAS NIGH. Turns out, not so nigh. But this year 78 million baby boomers turn 60. It includes two of my father's favorite people: Bill Clinton and me.
HILLARY CLINTON: *tries to kill Bush with her brain*
BUSH: By 2030, spending for Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid will be almost 60 percent of the entire federal budget. But you refused to pass my GREATEST PLAN EVER last year…
DEMOCRATS: *standing ovation*
BUSH: I hate you. So I'm backtracking and asking you to form yet another commission to say, 'yup, this is going to be a problem.' Maybe the commission'll come up with a solution before 2030.
CONGRESS: *snickers*
BUSH: So. Zigging back to immigration. We need a more secure border and an immigration system that upholds our laws. We need a rational, humane guest worker program that rejects amnesty, allows temporary jobs for people who want to be here legally and reduces smuggling and crime at the border.
REPUBLICANS: *applaud*
BUSH: Oh, I'm just getting started. We also need to fix the health care system. I don't have any big ideas on how to fix it other than "make it better." We need to confront the rising cost of care, help people afford the insurance coverage they need and strengthen the doctor-patient relationship. Okay, I'm pretty sure the last one might be none of my business, but I just read what they stick up on the teleprompter.
REPUBLICANS: *applaud anyway*
DEMOCRATS: Hey. What's an eleven-letter word for "brainwashed ninnies?"
REPUBLICANS: *glare*
BUSH: We need to make health care coverage more portable, so workers can switch jobs without having to worry about losing their health insurance. Oh, and you should also pass medical liability reform this year. Yeah, I said that last year, too. You all suck.
Moving on. We also need affordable energy. America is addicted to oil, which is often imported from unstable parts of the world.
VENEZUELA: Hey! Well. Um. No, you're right.
BUSH: So we need to come up with a way to break our addiction. Since I've been president we've thrown $10 billion at the problem. So far, not so much, but they keep telling me that innovations are just around the corner. So I'm announcing the Advanced Energy Initiative because things with spiffy names means that things are getting done. We're going to invest more in zero-emission coal-fired plants, revolutionary solar and wind technologies and clean, safe nuclear energy.
IRAN: Yeah. Safe nuclear energy! That's what we want, too!
BUSH: We must also change how we power our automobiles. I was told that there isn't actually a way to run cars on chewing gum, which I'm very sad about, so I'm back to the hydrogen car idea I had a few years ago.
ENVIRONMENTAL STAFFERS ON CAPITOL HILL: Aww, shit. Here we go again. *start drinking heavily*
BUSH: Breakthroughs on this and other new technologies will help up to replace more than 75 percent of our oil imports from the Middle East by 2025.
CONGRESS: *wakes up, applauds, goes back to sleep*
BUSH: And to keep America competitive, we must continue to lead the world in human talent and creativity. So I've come up with another initiative: the American Competitiveness Initiative, which really, well, doesn't roll off the tongue at all, to give our nation's children a firm grounding in math and science. Although if we're still debating whether creationism is a viable scientific concept, we might be a tad optimistic about leading the world in anything.
CONGRESS: *snoozes*
BUSH: I want to double the federal commitment-and please note that I didn't say funding-to research programs in the physical sciences over the next ten years. We should also make the research and development tax credit permanent so that private-sector initiatives in technology are encouraged. And we need to encourage our children to take more math and science. I'm proposing that we train 70,000 high school teachers to teach advanced placement courses, and take another 30,000 math and science professionals away from their lucrative jobs to make practically nothing teaching in the public schools. That we should probably not be focusing on the 5 percent of kids who already understand math and science at a fairly high level frankly hasn't occurred to me.
CONGRESS: *hasn't tuned in since Bush said "economy" ten minutes ago*
BUSH: *bangs on rostrum* Wake up! We're a great force for freedom and prosperity. Yet our greatness isn't measured in powers or luxuries--well, in only powers or luxuries--but by who we are and how we treat one another. Which has been, for the last five years, with a fantastic disregard for the thoughts and feelings of others, but we'll kind of blow right past that.
Anyway. We're also a more hopeful nation.
AMERICAN PEOPLE: The heck you say.
BUSH: Violent crime is down. Welfare cases are down. Drug use among youth is down. There are fewer abortions than at any point since we started keeping track. And the number of children born to teenaged mothers has been falling for a dozen years in a row.
CONGRESS: *pretends like they care*
BUSH: Personal responsibility, yay! And it's all because of government interference. Um. Okay, that makes no sense, but we're going to take credit for this anyway because the rest of this speech has been a crashing failure.
CONGRESS: *is still bored*
BUSH: But these incredibly hopeful people are also incredibly paranoid about our culture falling apart around them. Shut up. I didn't write this. They are concerned about unethical conduct by public officials.
TOM DELAY: *is nowhere to be seen*
BUSH: They worry about children who need direction and love, about fellow citizens still displaced by natural disaster, and about suffering caused by treatable diseases. They also wonder who the hell is watching "Skating With the Stars," but some questions not even the government can answer. But they look at these pessimistic questions in an optimistic way.
The American people are deep like that.
CONGRESS: *is confused*
AMERICAN PEOPLE: *have flipped to HBO*
BUSH: Moving along. Go Senate for giving me my new Supreme Court justices.
REPUBLICAN HOUSE MEMBERS: *go nuts, even though they had nothing to do with it*
DEMOCRATIC SENATE MEMBERS: *sulk*
AMERICAN PEOPLE: *are still watching HBO*
BUSH: I'll continue nominating men and women who understand that judges must be servants of the law and not legislate from the bench.
HARRY REID: *hisses to liberal judges* If I have to keep you on that Court using marionette strings and a ventriloquist, so help me God I'll do it.
BUSH: And now let's give a round of applause for Sandra Day O'Connor who retired today.
CONGRESS: *standing ovation*
BUSH: Anyway. A hopeful society doesn't cut ethical corners and understands the value of every life. So I'm asking you to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research: human cloning, selling or patenting human embryos, creating or implanting embryos for experiments and creating human-animal hybrids.
CONGRESS: *wakes up* Human-animal hybrids? Seriously?
JOHN KERRY: I've always wanted to have wings…
TED KENNEDY: Nobody cares, John.
BUSH: Anyway, human life is a gift from our creator, and he didn't make any weird half-human half-goats like you see in those Greek statues. So don't be trying to make any of those because we will stop you.
DEMOCRATS: Narnia wasn't real, doofus.
BUSH: So, now that I have crushed the dreams of children who have wanted to see a centaur, we move back to compassion and hope. A hopeful society gives special attention to children who lack attention and love. So we came up with yet another initiative last year-the Helping America's Youth Initiative, to give Laura something to do.
LAURA BUSH: *looks heavily medicated*
BUSH: This year we'll encourage kids to stay in school, because the prospect of more math and science is a total incentive to stick around. Oh, and you all look like you're falling asleep again, so let me mention Hurricane Katrina and then wrap this puppy up. So far we've committed $85 billion in federal funding to the people in the Gulf Coast and New Orleans. No, I don't want to compare that to the amount of money we've spent in Iraq.
Oh, and as we meet these immediate needs, it turns out that there were some serious problems in the region before the storm arrived. Huh. Who knew?
CONGRESSIONAL DELEGATION FROM GULF STATES: *rolls eyes*
BUSH: Many of our fellow citizens have felt excluded from the promise of our country. So we need to have schools that teach every child, job skills that bring upward mobility, and more opportunities to own and start a business. As we recover from this disaster, let us all work for the day when all Americans are protected by justice, equal in hope, and rich in opportunity.
CONGRESS: *looks around* Does anyone else hear "We Shall Overcome?"
BUSH: More than a million Americans live with HIV, and half all AIDS cases occur in African-Americans. I ask Congress to reform and reauthorize the Ryan White Act and provide new funding to states so we end the waiting lists for AIDS medicines in America.
CONGRESS: Weren't we supposed to do that last year, too?
BUSH: We'll work with churches and faith-based groups to deliver HIV tests to millions, end the stigma of AIDS and come closer to the day when there are no new infections in America. But we still won't agree to having condoms in schools.
CONGRESS: *applauds*
BUSH: And now for the big finish. We have been called to leadership in a period of consequence. We have entered a great ideological conflict we did nothing to invite. Sometimes it can seem that history is turning in a wide arc, towards an unknown shore.
CONGRESS: Huh?
BUSH: It's poetic. Go with it. The destination of history is determined by human action, and great movements of history comes to a point of choosing.
CONGRESS: That's the stupidest sentence ever.
BUSH: If you let me get through this we can all go home.
CONGRESS: *shuts up*
BUSH: Lincoln could've accepted peace at the cost of disunity and continued slavery. Martin Luther King could've stopped at Birmingham or Selma and achieved only half a victory over segregation. The United States could've accepted the permanent division of Europe and been complicit in the oppression of others.
CONGRESS: Um. About that last one. Berlin Wall? Fifty years of the Cold War striking any bells?
BUSH: Ahem. Before history is written down in books, it is written down in courage.
CONGRESS: Seriously? What the hell does that even mean?
BUSH: We will lead freedom's advance.
CONGRESS: Um. If freedom's advancing, how will we lead? Wouldn't we be following along behind?
BUSH: Shut up. And so we move forward optimistic, in a slightly pessimistic way, faithful to its cause and confident of the victories to come.
May God bless America.
CONGRESS: Seriously? *shrugs*
*standing ovation*
.
And it was really, really bad this year, so be glad you didn't watch it. As always, my Democratic bias is pretty damn obvious.
And so, without further ado, the political-speak to snark translation of the State of the Union, or as I prefer to think of it this year: State of the Union: Seriously?!
BUSH: Dick, Denny, Congresscritters, minions of mine on the Supreme Court, distinguished guests, diplomat-types…
DIPLOMATS: *wake up* Huh? Why are we getting a shout-out?
BUSH: And the rest of America who is just tuning into the fact that I'm on pretty much every channel that's not showing American Idol. And frankly it's a coin toss to decide which option is more painful.
Anyway, tonight we have to rearrange my State of the Union opening because Coretta Scott King died today and if I don't mention it I'm a cold callous bastard. So let's all give a round of applause to Coretta Scott King, who's been reunited with her husband Martin Luther King, Jr., now, okay?
CONGRESS: *standing ovation*
BUSH: Now that that's out of the way, back to my speech. Every time I come up to this rostrum-see, I know it's called a rostrum now. Thanks, Denny, for that word-a-day calendar for Christmas-I'm humbled in an incredibly unhumble way. We've gathered together in this Capitol for times of national tragedy and of great achievement. I can't think of when the achievement was, but I've been assured that we've had some by my handlers, so I'm just going to press on here. But the important thing is that I've been there for these last six years. It's all about me. Yup. None of the 200 plus years of achievement that have occurred in the Capitol matter before me. It's all about me tonight.
CONGRESS: Oh God. It's going to be unbearable tonight, isn't it? *gets out crossword puzzles early*
BUSH: Anyway. In this system of two parties, I'm finally learning that there will sometimes be disagreements.
DEMOCRATS: Um. Yeah. Dumbass.
REPUBLICANS: Um. Yeah. Dumbass. Sir.
BUSH: But we need to be able to disagree in a civilized manner.
DEMOCRATS: Seriously?
REPUBLICANS: Seriously?!
KARL ROVE: Seriously?!?
BUSH: Yup. We shouldn't allow our disagreements to harden into anger.
CONGRESS: *points at each other* They started it.
BUSH: Heh. Right. Anyway. The sentence you've been waiting to hear me say: The state of our union is strong, and together we'll make it stronger.
CONGRESS: *standing ovation, as required*
BUSH: We'll either choose to act needlessly confident in the pursuit of enemies or retreat from our duties in the hope of an easier life.
CONGRESS: We like that second one.
BUSH: We'll either choose to build our prosperity by leading the world economy or shut ourselves off from trade and opportunity.
CONGRESS: Again, we like that second one.
BUSH: Yeah, well, I know. But isolationism might seem bright and shiny but in the end it only leads to tears and pain. The only way to protect our people, the only way to secure the peace, the only way to control our destiny is by leadership.
AMERICAN PEOPLE: Wow are we screwed.
CONGRESS: *standing ovation*
BUSH: Abroad, our nation is committed to a historic, long-term goal: We seek to end tyranny our world. Um, not you, Saudi Arabia. Some dismiss that goal as misguided idealism.
DEMOCRATS: Um, a little bit, yeah.
BUSH: On September 11, 2001…
CONGRESS: *drinks*
BUSH: We found that problems originating in a failed oppressive state 7,000 miles away could bring murder and destruction to our country.
CONGRESS: *does geography* Um. Iraq's 6,100 miles away. Iran's 6,300 miles away. Oh. Afghanistan's 7,000 miles away. Huh. You're blaming 9/11 on Afghanistan now? Interesting approach.
BUSH: Dictatorships shelter terrorists, and feed resentment and radicalism. Not you, Saudi Arabia. Democracies replace resentment with hope, respect the rights of their citizens and their neighbors, and join in the fight against terror.
CONGRESS: *does politics* Hell, that definition doesn't even apply to this democracy, dinkus.
BUSH: Every step toward freedom in the world makes our country safer, so we act stupidly, err, boldly in freedom's cause.
CONGRESS: *applauds because, hey, freedom*
BUSH: The advance of freedom is the great story of our time. In 1945 there were about two dozen lonely democracies. They were forlorn and sad, full of soulpain that the rest of the world hadn't realized how great they were. Then through the dating service of the United Nations other countries realized that democracy was really an STD of liberation-now there are 122 countries around the world that claim to have, err, be democracies. Some of them might even actually be democracies. Go them.
CONGRESS: That was a seriously overplayed metaphor.
BUSH: Anyway. At the start of 2006, more then half of the people in our world live in democratic nations. But the rest of you-those who live in Syria and Burma, North Korea and Iran-well, we're thinking about you. We're thinking, "wow are we glad we don't live in Burma," but we're thinking about you.
CONGRESS: *applauds because they don’t want to live in Burma either*
BUSH: Freedom rules, yo, but some people, and I'm looking at you, radical Islamists who aren't in Saudi Arabia, don't think so. Terrorists like bin Laden want to impose a heartless system of totalitarian control throughout the Middle East, arm themselves with weapons of mass destruction, take over Iraq and KILL US ALL.
CONGRESS: *blinks* Huh. That sucks.
BUSH: When they murder children in Beslan or blow up commuters in London or behead captives, the terrorists hope that we'll hide like Saddam Hussein and allow the crazies to take over the world. But we love freedom, so that's not going to happen.
CONGRESS: *applauds because again, freedom*
BUSH: In these times of trouble, we can't abandon our commitments. So stop asking about Iraq, okay? We're keeping them busy there so they don't blow us up here. That's our new story and we're sticking with it. There is no peace in retreat. There is no honor in retreat.
*pauses for applause*
CONGRESS: *is silent*
BUSH: Huh. Anyway. By allowing radical Islam to work its will, by leaving Iraq to fend for itself, we could be telling the whole world we're a bunch of cowards and this cannot happen. The United States will not retreat from the world, and we will never surrender to evil, OMG, as my daughters say.
CONGRESS: *kind of applauds*
BUSH: We remain on the offensive against terror networks. We've killed or captured many of their leaders. Really. We have. We're on the offensive in Afghanistan where the President and the national assembly are trying their damndest to pull their country back from the brink of insanity. We're on the offensive in Iraq, with a clear plan for victory.
JOINT CHIEFS: We have a plan?
RUMSFELD: *death glare*
JOINT CHIEFS: Oh yeah. That plan. The…secret one.
BUSH: We're helping the Iraqis build an inclusive government so that resentments will be eased and the insurgency will be marginalized.
TED KENNEDY: Yeah. And then I will fly around this room using nothing but fairy dust and two bound copies of the Congressional Record.
BUSH: And, and, and! We are continuing reconstruction efforts by helping the Iraqi government fight corruption that isn't, you know, bribes from Jack Aberhoff, and helping them build a modern economy for Justice! Err. Freedom. Sorry. I've been watching too many Tick cartoons recently. We're also blowing up as many terrorists as we can find. Also for freedom. The Iraqis are being awesome and we're proud to be their allies in the sense of "taking over their country and now wondering how the hell we get out of this." Oh. Freedom. Stand up, yo.
CONGRESS: *stands up, yo*
BUSH: Our work is hard, and our enemy is brutal, which no one mentioned to me when I came up with this plan back in 2003. In less than three years, Iraq has gone from dictatorship to liberation to sovereignty to a constitution to national election which isn't actually any kind of list that makes sense in a "going from something to going to something else" kind of way.
DEMOCRATS: We'll tell you what Iraq's gone to…
BUSH: Shut up. We are in this fight to win, and we are winning.
REPUBLICANS: *standing ovation*
DEMOCRATS: *are really, really not standing up*
BUSH: Fine. Be like that. As we make progress, we should be able to further decrease our troop levels. But those decisions will be made by the military and not by whiny jackasses in Congress.
CONGRESS: *glares*
BUSH: Along the way, we've learned from, um, responsible criticism. Yeah. That's what we'll call it. But remember that there's a difference between responsible criticism that aims for success and defeatism that refuses to acknowledge anything but failure. For one, the first one never comes from Democrats. Um, ignore that part where I was telling you all to get along at the beginning of my speech.
DEMOCRATS: *throw things*
BUSH: Hindsight alone is not wisdom. And second-guessing is not a strategy.
CONGRESS: Seriously? That's what you have to say? No wonder your approval rating's in the toilet.
BUSH: Fine. Let me level with you. A sudden withdrawal of our forces from Iraq would abandon our allies to death and prison, would put people like bin Laden and Zarqawi in charge and show that a promise from the United States means dinky-doo. So STOP BUGGING ME ABOUT IT. I'm not turning back.
CONGRESS: Huh.
BUSH: You want me to bring out the big guns? Here's Human Props #1, #2, and #3. They were all related to this Dead Soldier, whose letter about honor I will now read to shame you all.
HUMAN PROPS #1, #2, #3: *stand up, wave*
CONGRESS: *applauds them, but seems unashamed*
BUSH: Our nation is grateful to the fallen who have given their lives for our country. We are grateful to all who volunteer to wear the military uniform. And we also honor their families.
CONGRESS: *standing ovation as is required any time the military or their families are mentioned*
BUSH: Our offensive against terror involves more than just shooting at things. Really. It does. It's also about elections. Raising up a democracy requires rules of law, protections of minorities, and strong, accountable institutions that last longer than a single vote.
DEMOCRATS: *slightly inappropriate snickering*
BUSH: Egypt has just voted in multiparty presidential elections and now we'd really like it if they could allow for opposition parties to peacefully protest without necessarily blowing things up. And, um, there was also a vote in Palestine, but we're just going to pretend that people voted for Hamas for their as-yet undiscovered reasonableness when it comes to negotiating for peace with Israel. And Saudi Arabia's also done something nebulous but we'll praise them for it anyway just because, well, Saudi Arabia.
Democracy in the Middle East might not look like ours. At all. But liberty is right and the hope of all humanity. And liberty is a lot like freedom, which means you all have to applaud.
CONGRESS: *applauds*
BUSH: And while I'm on the Middle East, Iran, don’t think we're not watching you. You're a nation held hostage by a clerical elite that is isolating and repressing its people. You're sponsoring terrorism in Palestine and Lebanon and you better cut it out.
SOME MEMBERS OF CONGRESS: *applaud*
MOST OF CONGRESS: Um. Could we focus on the wars we've already started, please?
BUSH: And don't think you can have nukes, either. Just putting that out there. And now let me address the Iranian people. We respect you, we respect your country. We just wish you were a democracy. You know, like Iraq.
IRANIANS: Aww, fuck. *start packing*
BUSH: To overcome dangers in our world we must also take the offensive in encouraging economic progress and fighting disease and spreading hope in hopeless lands. Isolationism is bad. Freedom is good. Just in case you've been nodding off. Carl Levin, I'm looking at you.
CARL LEVIN: *wakes up*
BUSH: We show compassion abroad because Americans are Good People. We believe in the dignity of a villager with HIV/AIDS, or an infant with malaria, or a little girl sold into slavery. We're not going to put a lot of money behind fighting any of those things, but we're still Good People.
Enough about compassion. Back to being on the offensive. We have totally fantastic law enforcement people who are dedicating their lives to protecting us all and deserve our support and thanks.
CONGRESS: *standing ovation, support and thanks, etcetera*
BUSH: They also deserve the same tools they use to fight drug trafficking and organized crime, so I ask you to reauthorize the Patriot Act.
CONGRESS: *blinks* Seriously? You think the stuff in the Patriot Act is the same as what we have authorized to track down organized crime? Are you high?
BUSH: It's said that prior to September 11…
CONGRESS: *drinks*
BUSH: …our government failed to connect the dots of the conspiracy. This was a bit of a glaringly obvious thing. But we totally missed it. Because of that, and based on Constitutional authority that has been codified in a series of laws I'm not going to actually mention, I've authorized extensive surveillance over all communications to listen in on anything that might be remotely al Qaeda-related. But, um, pay no attention. Look over here at the shiny ball.
AMERICAN PEOPLE: Oooh. Shiny ball.
CONGRESS: *facepalms*
BUSH: But this is all in the protection of freedom. Um. Pay no attention to the inherent hypocrisy of that entire last paragraph. The only alternative to American leadership is a scary, terrifying world.
Um. Also pay no attention to the rest of the world falling out of their chairs giggling at that statement. Shiny ball! Focus on the shiny ball!
We choose to lead because it's a privilege to serve the values that gave us birth. American leaders from Roosevelt to Truman to Kennedy to Reagan rejected isolationism because they knew that the best defense is a good offense.
TED KENNEDY: *looks smug*
BUSH: Not you Kennedy. The other Kennedy. Our own generation is fighting a determined enemy, a war that will be fought by presidents and Congresses for the next gazillion years. And they'll need your support. And so do I. Help me lead the world toward freedom.
CONGRESS: Seriously?
BUSH: Here at home…
CONGRESS: Halfway done! *toasts each other with concealed whiskey flasks*
BUSH: *glares* Here at home, America has a great opportunity to build our prosperity by strengthening our economic leadership in the world.
CONGRESS: Oh, the economy. *takes nap*
BUSH: Our economy is healthy and vigorous and growing faster than some other countries in the world. We've created 4.6 million new jobs-more than Japan and the EU combined.
REPUBLICANS: *applaud*
DEMOCRATS: *are so, so bored*
BUSH: even in the face of higher energy prices and natural disasters, the American people turned in an economic performance that is the envy of the world. But China and India are catching up fast. And that leads to people thinking that we should be isolationists. Or that we should raise taxes and centralize more economic power. We also hear people saying that immigrants are bad for the economy. Immigrants aren't bad for the economy. *glares at Congress*
CONGRESS: *stands up, applauds immigrants*
BUSH: These are all form of economic retreat, and I RETREAT FROM NOTHING. I set a better path: an agenda that will raise the standards of living and generate new jobs. And it will cost you nothing. In the last five years, you've passed incredibly irresponsible tax cuts that are due to expire in the next few years. If we do nothing, American families will face massive tax increases that they do not expect and will not welcome. Except that I've just said this in a nationally televised speech and the bill isn't due to expire for years, giving them ample warning.
Anyway. We should make the tax cuts permanent. Ridiculously rich people are people too.
REPUBLICANS: *standing ovation*
DEMOCRATS: *sulk*
BUSH: Also, I want you to give me the line-item veto. And a pony, since I'm asking for things aren't going to happen.
CONGRESS: *rolls its eyes*
BUSH: And I should probably mention Social Security now since I spent a half-hour last year talking about how the END WAS NIGH. Turns out, not so nigh. But this year 78 million baby boomers turn 60. It includes two of my father's favorite people: Bill Clinton and me.
HILLARY CLINTON: *tries to kill Bush with her brain*
BUSH: By 2030, spending for Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid will be almost 60 percent of the entire federal budget. But you refused to pass my GREATEST PLAN EVER last year…
DEMOCRATS: *standing ovation*
BUSH: I hate you. So I'm backtracking and asking you to form yet another commission to say, 'yup, this is going to be a problem.' Maybe the commission'll come up with a solution before 2030.
CONGRESS: *snickers*
BUSH: So. Zigging back to immigration. We need a more secure border and an immigration system that upholds our laws. We need a rational, humane guest worker program that rejects amnesty, allows temporary jobs for people who want to be here legally and reduces smuggling and crime at the border.
REPUBLICANS: *applaud*
BUSH: Oh, I'm just getting started. We also need to fix the health care system. I don't have any big ideas on how to fix it other than "make it better." We need to confront the rising cost of care, help people afford the insurance coverage they need and strengthen the doctor-patient relationship. Okay, I'm pretty sure the last one might be none of my business, but I just read what they stick up on the teleprompter.
REPUBLICANS: *applaud anyway*
DEMOCRATS: Hey. What's an eleven-letter word for "brainwashed ninnies?"
REPUBLICANS: *glare*
BUSH: We need to make health care coverage more portable, so workers can switch jobs without having to worry about losing their health insurance. Oh, and you should also pass medical liability reform this year. Yeah, I said that last year, too. You all suck.
Moving on. We also need affordable energy. America is addicted to oil, which is often imported from unstable parts of the world.
VENEZUELA: Hey! Well. Um. No, you're right.
BUSH: So we need to come up with a way to break our addiction. Since I've been president we've thrown $10 billion at the problem. So far, not so much, but they keep telling me that innovations are just around the corner. So I'm announcing the Advanced Energy Initiative because things with spiffy names means that things are getting done. We're going to invest more in zero-emission coal-fired plants, revolutionary solar and wind technologies and clean, safe nuclear energy.
IRAN: Yeah. Safe nuclear energy! That's what we want, too!
BUSH: We must also change how we power our automobiles. I was told that there isn't actually a way to run cars on chewing gum, which I'm very sad about, so I'm back to the hydrogen car idea I had a few years ago.
ENVIRONMENTAL STAFFERS ON CAPITOL HILL: Aww, shit. Here we go again. *start drinking heavily*
BUSH: Breakthroughs on this and other new technologies will help up to replace more than 75 percent of our oil imports from the Middle East by 2025.
CONGRESS: *wakes up, applauds, goes back to sleep*
BUSH: And to keep America competitive, we must continue to lead the world in human talent and creativity. So I've come up with another initiative: the American Competitiveness Initiative, which really, well, doesn't roll off the tongue at all, to give our nation's children a firm grounding in math and science. Although if we're still debating whether creationism is a viable scientific concept, we might be a tad optimistic about leading the world in anything.
CONGRESS: *snoozes*
BUSH: I want to double the federal commitment-and please note that I didn't say funding-to research programs in the physical sciences over the next ten years. We should also make the research and development tax credit permanent so that private-sector initiatives in technology are encouraged. And we need to encourage our children to take more math and science. I'm proposing that we train 70,000 high school teachers to teach advanced placement courses, and take another 30,000 math and science professionals away from their lucrative jobs to make practically nothing teaching in the public schools. That we should probably not be focusing on the 5 percent of kids who already understand math and science at a fairly high level frankly hasn't occurred to me.
CONGRESS: *hasn't tuned in since Bush said "economy" ten minutes ago*
BUSH: *bangs on rostrum* Wake up! We're a great force for freedom and prosperity. Yet our greatness isn't measured in powers or luxuries--well, in only powers or luxuries--but by who we are and how we treat one another. Which has been, for the last five years, with a fantastic disregard for the thoughts and feelings of others, but we'll kind of blow right past that.
Anyway. We're also a more hopeful nation.
AMERICAN PEOPLE: The heck you say.
BUSH: Violent crime is down. Welfare cases are down. Drug use among youth is down. There are fewer abortions than at any point since we started keeping track. And the number of children born to teenaged mothers has been falling for a dozen years in a row.
CONGRESS: *pretends like they care*
BUSH: Personal responsibility, yay! And it's all because of government interference. Um. Okay, that makes no sense, but we're going to take credit for this anyway because the rest of this speech has been a crashing failure.
CONGRESS: *is still bored*
BUSH: But these incredibly hopeful people are also incredibly paranoid about our culture falling apart around them. Shut up. I didn't write this. They are concerned about unethical conduct by public officials.
TOM DELAY: *is nowhere to be seen*
BUSH: They worry about children who need direction and love, about fellow citizens still displaced by natural disaster, and about suffering caused by treatable diseases. They also wonder who the hell is watching "Skating With the Stars," but some questions not even the government can answer. But they look at these pessimistic questions in an optimistic way.
The American people are deep like that.
CONGRESS: *is confused*
AMERICAN PEOPLE: *have flipped to HBO*
BUSH: Moving along. Go Senate for giving me my new Supreme Court justices.
REPUBLICAN HOUSE MEMBERS: *go nuts, even though they had nothing to do with it*
DEMOCRATIC SENATE MEMBERS: *sulk*
AMERICAN PEOPLE: *are still watching HBO*
BUSH: I'll continue nominating men and women who understand that judges must be servants of the law and not legislate from the bench.
HARRY REID: *hisses to liberal judges* If I have to keep you on that Court using marionette strings and a ventriloquist, so help me God I'll do it.
BUSH: And now let's give a round of applause for Sandra Day O'Connor who retired today.
CONGRESS: *standing ovation*
BUSH: Anyway. A hopeful society doesn't cut ethical corners and understands the value of every life. So I'm asking you to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research: human cloning, selling or patenting human embryos, creating or implanting embryos for experiments and creating human-animal hybrids.
CONGRESS: *wakes up* Human-animal hybrids? Seriously?
JOHN KERRY: I've always wanted to have wings…
TED KENNEDY: Nobody cares, John.
BUSH: Anyway, human life is a gift from our creator, and he didn't make any weird half-human half-goats like you see in those Greek statues. So don't be trying to make any of those because we will stop you.
DEMOCRATS: Narnia wasn't real, doofus.
BUSH: So, now that I have crushed the dreams of children who have wanted to see a centaur, we move back to compassion and hope. A hopeful society gives special attention to children who lack attention and love. So we came up with yet another initiative last year-the Helping America's Youth Initiative, to give Laura something to do.
LAURA BUSH: *looks heavily medicated*
BUSH: This year we'll encourage kids to stay in school, because the prospect of more math and science is a total incentive to stick around. Oh, and you all look like you're falling asleep again, so let me mention Hurricane Katrina and then wrap this puppy up. So far we've committed $85 billion in federal funding to the people in the Gulf Coast and New Orleans. No, I don't want to compare that to the amount of money we've spent in Iraq.
Oh, and as we meet these immediate needs, it turns out that there were some serious problems in the region before the storm arrived. Huh. Who knew?
CONGRESSIONAL DELEGATION FROM GULF STATES: *rolls eyes*
BUSH: Many of our fellow citizens have felt excluded from the promise of our country. So we need to have schools that teach every child, job skills that bring upward mobility, and more opportunities to own and start a business. As we recover from this disaster, let us all work for the day when all Americans are protected by justice, equal in hope, and rich in opportunity.
CONGRESS: *looks around* Does anyone else hear "We Shall Overcome?"
BUSH: More than a million Americans live with HIV, and half all AIDS cases occur in African-Americans. I ask Congress to reform and reauthorize the Ryan White Act and provide new funding to states so we end the waiting lists for AIDS medicines in America.
CONGRESS: Weren't we supposed to do that last year, too?
BUSH: We'll work with churches and faith-based groups to deliver HIV tests to millions, end the stigma of AIDS and come closer to the day when there are no new infections in America. But we still won't agree to having condoms in schools.
CONGRESS: *applauds*
BUSH: And now for the big finish. We have been called to leadership in a period of consequence. We have entered a great ideological conflict we did nothing to invite. Sometimes it can seem that history is turning in a wide arc, towards an unknown shore.
CONGRESS: Huh?
BUSH: It's poetic. Go with it. The destination of history is determined by human action, and great movements of history comes to a point of choosing.
CONGRESS: That's the stupidest sentence ever.
BUSH: If you let me get through this we can all go home.
CONGRESS: *shuts up*
BUSH: Lincoln could've accepted peace at the cost of disunity and continued slavery. Martin Luther King could've stopped at Birmingham or Selma and achieved only half a victory over segregation. The United States could've accepted the permanent division of Europe and been complicit in the oppression of others.
CONGRESS: Um. About that last one. Berlin Wall? Fifty years of the Cold War striking any bells?
BUSH: Ahem. Before history is written down in books, it is written down in courage.
CONGRESS: Seriously? What the hell does that even mean?
BUSH: We will lead freedom's advance.
CONGRESS: Um. If freedom's advancing, how will we lead? Wouldn't we be following along behind?
BUSH: Shut up. And so we move forward optimistic, in a slightly pessimistic way, faithful to its cause and confident of the victories to come.
May God bless America.
CONGRESS: Seriously? *shrugs*
*standing ovation*
.