Oh bloody hell

[freedancer8]

Ok, so its like this... I really have had a lot of time to think about everything. And I mean EVERYTHING! My business is going well, my family and love life couldn't be more perfect (given the complications) my health is rather good (need a bit more exercise says my blood tests). I have friends, family, fun... but I had not been happy. I had lost my drive to seek the answers, to find the things that used to be so important to me, like God and Truth and all those capital letter words. For awhile there, even things like sex and gaming(lol) were meaningless. I was beginning to think that I was depressed, or something even worse. Everything was losing its specialness. Everything seemed flat and dull and tasteless, blurry and distant. I stopped listening to the noise on the radio I used to call music. I stopped watching the TV shows I used to call funny or exciting. No shopping trips, no hiking, no beaches... nothing. I ate because it was dinner time or lunch time. I had sex because my lover was there... sounds like depression, huh? But why? Why was I depressed? What could have done this to me? What did I do to myself? I had completely debunked every world religion as man-made claptrap. I had lost my faith and therefor lost my purpose. One big disappointment, but not the final straw was when I saw the pointlessness of NewAge (rhymes with sewage) thought. I had studied metaphysical christianity, dabbled with buddhism, taoism, sufism, Zen whateverism. I became a Reiki master, reverend of the Universal Life Church, doctor of chiropractic (not in that order). Did tantra, quodoshka, yoga, tai chi and even some pilates (more lol). Smoked a bit, drank way too much, experienced a Dead concert with the greenman, shaved my head, sailed a bit, climbed a mountain, became a freedancer. I even started a new business, bought a house, had kids, got married three times, had a polyamorous experience, met and loved more people than is safe physically. I helped start a halfway house, bought and sold a hotel, helped friends start their businesses (some made it, some failed). And it all had no meaning to me. I could have done more, but the more things I did, the more fun I had, or trouble I overcame, the more things I saw and felt and tasted the more I realized that I just didn't care about any of it. I became depressed while having fun, living life to its fullest, thinking and loving and laughing... and this caused my depression? I obviously was missing something. The big something. I thought it was looking for the why of things. I have always looked for the why of things. But not just that. I studied math and physics, geography, and history. Art, science, music, engineering, sociology, palientology, theology ... i studied the people, places, things, thoughts... and found nothing to care about. I fell in love, but did not even care about that while i was doing it. I had become dettached from even my own emotions and thoughts. I had observed myself into a corner. But not only observed. Had I not also lived? Had I not avoided the trap of the mind by getting out and experiencing? Apparently not. So once again, I ask... what did I miss? Why am I not happy, content, excited? I had responsibilities so I put myself on Lexapro to keep myself functional. Is this the end then? a state of drugged functionality so that my kids have a chance of a normal life?

I am so annoyed with myself for writing this crap down, you have no idea...