cut it out
i watched the last episode of the l-word tonite....sorry if this kills it for someone else...but this season...well...has been difficult to watch....so many things identified with....and so much just brought up in the watching.....
for one...it feels like a strange sort of goodbye to me.....i'm on my way to making my male identity real....and i'm leaving behind a group that i've called home and familiar in the process....i could bare the title dyke with pride and solidarity...though it didnt exactly fit me....but then..i'm used to the ill-fitting being the clothes i wear...in body and soul...i've become a one at a time kinda guy...there is no group anymore....just people who accept me...or dont....that's really all there is to it....but it doesn't mean i won't miss being able to sorta blend in as "one of the girls"....
tonite's episode...ended with a big bloody scene with one of the characters hacking into her legs with a razor blade.....i just covered my face with my hands when she pulled the stupid thing out....because i knew what was coming.....the realization of being a survivor....the sort of mental implosion that goes along with trying to wrap your head around abuse issues....and then that moment of self loathing....to the point of numbness...that causes you to lash out at your own flesh.......
both my exes cut....one just to get attention...one out of trying to sit with her pain...the first was a torment..the second...i just wanted to help.....i was scared and fucked up about both women and their needs....because i didn't know how to cope with it...didn't know how to help.....and because i recognized the potential in myself....
i lost control this past november......thought my chest would be prettier after i rearranged it a little with a box cutter....i haven't done it since.....but the urge comes back to me at times......that want to lash out at the only thing i have control over...and dont have control over...at the same time....
i have friends who do this....one friend who does it to the point i fear for her safety...that she'll acidentally cut herself to the point of no return one day......i have no idea what to do with the sadness this causes me....so i find myself angry...angry at perpetrators....at the unfairness of situations....situations which are not the victim's fault but gets twisted to the point that they feel guilty....guilty enough to want to lash out at the only person available....themselves.....
life is often unfair...people are mean.....and we all get to bleed at some point or other......some days i just get tired of watching my friends suffer for things they had no control over.......i want to be superman...i want to protect the people in my life that i love....rather than being what i am....that confused boi who shows up afterwards....with a towel around his neck....
well hell at least it's practicle....superman probably couldn't sop up anything with that cape anyway......
for one...it feels like a strange sort of goodbye to me.....i'm on my way to making my male identity real....and i'm leaving behind a group that i've called home and familiar in the process....i could bare the title dyke with pride and solidarity...though it didnt exactly fit me....but then..i'm used to the ill-fitting being the clothes i wear...in body and soul...i've become a one at a time kinda guy...there is no group anymore....just people who accept me...or dont....that's really all there is to it....but it doesn't mean i won't miss being able to sorta blend in as "one of the girls"....
tonite's episode...ended with a big bloody scene with one of the characters hacking into her legs with a razor blade.....i just covered my face with my hands when she pulled the stupid thing out....because i knew what was coming.....the realization of being a survivor....the sort of mental implosion that goes along with trying to wrap your head around abuse issues....and then that moment of self loathing....to the point of numbness...that causes you to lash out at your own flesh.......
both my exes cut....one just to get attention...one out of trying to sit with her pain...the first was a torment..the second...i just wanted to help.....i was scared and fucked up about both women and their needs....because i didn't know how to cope with it...didn't know how to help.....and because i recognized the potential in myself....
i lost control this past november......thought my chest would be prettier after i rearranged it a little with a box cutter....i haven't done it since.....but the urge comes back to me at times......that want to lash out at the only thing i have control over...and dont have control over...at the same time....
i have friends who do this....one friend who does it to the point i fear for her safety...that she'll acidentally cut herself to the point of no return one day......i have no idea what to do with the sadness this causes me....so i find myself angry...angry at perpetrators....at the unfairness of situations....situations which are not the victim's fault but gets twisted to the point that they feel guilty....guilty enough to want to lash out at the only person available....themselves.....
life is often unfair...people are mean.....and we all get to bleed at some point or other......some days i just get tired of watching my friends suffer for things they had no control over.......i want to be superman...i want to protect the people in my life that i love....rather than being what i am....that confused boi who shows up afterwards....with a towel around his neck....
well hell at least it's practicle....superman probably couldn't sop up anything with that cape anyway......