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Adight been a while since i've updated this shit.....Things seem to be falling apart...alot of shit going down with people, alot of problems, im not gunna say who or what its about in the best interest of the poeple that are involved. But from what i been seeing, a few people seem to be holding on to their sanity....As for me im just getting a little frustrated...my summer is shot cuz of the summer program i need to do, I dunno why but i got a strange feeling prom is gunna be a complete farse. It seems like it will go really good or really bad. I've been trying to take the Fred approach n try n stop caring, but i just cant do that. As much as i just wanna turn my back and say fuck everyone, I'll do what i want, i cant. I've always tried to help people other people ahead of myself, for 12 years i been following the oaths of modesty, integrity, self-control, perseverence, and an indominable spirit that i've built myself on..From the moment i took them responsibilites that were given to me by my teacher who had died, i promised him that i would never let go of them things he taught me for those 12 years..To this day i am still trying to figure out the meanings of some of things he told me...And I just cant turn my back on those things, never did, never will..I may have gone offtrack quite a bit, but i try my best to uphold them. Although sometimes i go too far for my own good, and end up becoming a pain in the ass. So i guess what im saying is i wanna try to care, but not care....sounds kind of contradicting but what can i say, i dont know when to shut up sometimes, but im gunna try to learn..
I been thinking alot about smoothing things over wit a few people...I am so easy to offer help, but i cant talk about my own problems...1 becuase nobody ever asks me if anything is wrong n if they do its not that much...and also i dont know how to express myself when i have a problem....sometimes i am so used to having bad luck and having my own problems, that i believe its normal...thats not healthy but thats what it turns into...im an optimistic (atleast i try to be) person with a pessimistic life..im not saying no one cares or tries to help me, but by the time im ready to say something its already too late. Back to smoothing problems out...Like i said i have a problem expressing myself becuase i am afriad. Afraid of that what i have to say will hurt me or the other person, afraid that i wont find the right words, afraid that things will change for the worse. Also, along with being afriad, except for Mike I dont think anyone really knows how my head works, nor do i trust anyone to get far into what i think (except for him of course becuase of our extremely long friendship). Thats why some people might not understand some of the things i do. I have a reason for everything, but i dont directly say my reasons becuase i am afraid...now people like antrili would be like Who gives a fuck, ur a bitch, blah blah but i'll say it flat out, I AM AFRAID..Afraid of emotional and mental stuff. I dont always know the right thing to say and sometimes my words come out wrong, and becuase of that fear, i am afraid to say anything else. The mind is a very delicate thing and i dont have all the answers, but i like to try n think i do...thats how i get into trouble when i say things...the bottom line is that its time that i stop being afraid..i feel like shit about myself most of the time cuz other people bring me down, certain experiences bring me down, the things i hear, n mostly even the stuff i say makes me feel depressed...Now i understand that other people have it worse than me, but lately that tough streetpunk mentality some think i have just isn't cutting it. It's time to turn things around open up more, and stop making excuses. There were grudges with some people that i have been holding on people for way to long, and i think its time to let them get into my head n find out what im really about n who i am. No more bullshit no more excuses...i been running from some things too long. Now i know i might sound pretty conceited but i am sincerely doing this to give people some truths, apologies, and straightforward explanations that i feel they deserve cuz i been afraid all this time. This isn't about me, I wanna try to stop worrying and hopefully this will bring me closer to some people who say, "Why does/would/did he do this", becuase like i said i havn't always given the best reasons for things or justification for why i do things. After seeing some of the things that other people are going through, this is giving me a push to give people the things that they deserve. N wat they deserve is for me to not be afraid around them anymore or afriad of myself. I try to help and give answers for things but people dont always know why i say some of these things which leaves them wondering sometimes, why doesnt he like me, he's just being retarded. The one thing that got me looking into myself was a short conversation that I had with Jim...It lasted all of about a minute, but in that minute I realized that all the anger, grudge, and frustration was all my fault. Same thing with Bridget...it was all my fault...Thanx to him i realized that I shouldnt hold onto them things..The things that they did to me wasn't their fault for holding back any friendship...it was all mine...im tired of being afraid..being afriad n not being to express myself and giving not full explanations is what hold things back..I just get pissed and keep my mouth shut..try to act like things dont bother me..But thats when i hold grudges and dont smooth things out...n a short breakdown on a certain ride home one night made me realize this..n i have to stop it.. Thats all that i have to say..Comment on whatever part of this u want n im sure i'll be seeing some of u somewhere down the line.. Adight time to watch Joe play more football Later
I been thinking alot about smoothing things over wit a few people...I am so easy to offer help, but i cant talk about my own problems...1 becuase nobody ever asks me if anything is wrong n if they do its not that much...and also i dont know how to express myself when i have a problem....sometimes i am so used to having bad luck and having my own problems, that i believe its normal...thats not healthy but thats what it turns into...im an optimistic (atleast i try to be) person with a pessimistic life..im not saying no one cares or tries to help me, but by the time im ready to say something its already too late. Back to smoothing problems out...Like i said i have a problem expressing myself becuase i am afriad. Afraid of that what i have to say will hurt me or the other person, afraid that i wont find the right words, afraid that things will change for the worse. Also, along with being afriad, except for Mike I dont think anyone really knows how my head works, nor do i trust anyone to get far into what i think (except for him of course becuase of our extremely long friendship). Thats why some people might not understand some of the things i do. I have a reason for everything, but i dont directly say my reasons becuase i am afraid...now people like antrili would be like Who gives a fuck, ur a bitch, blah blah but i'll say it flat out, I AM AFRAID..Afraid of emotional and mental stuff. I dont always know the right thing to say and sometimes my words come out wrong, and becuase of that fear, i am afraid to say anything else. The mind is a very delicate thing and i dont have all the answers, but i like to try n think i do...thats how i get into trouble when i say things...the bottom line is that its time that i stop being afraid..i feel like shit about myself most of the time cuz other people bring me down, certain experiences bring me down, the things i hear, n mostly even the stuff i say makes me feel depressed...Now i understand that other people have it worse than me, but lately that tough streetpunk mentality some think i have just isn't cutting it. It's time to turn things around open up more, and stop making excuses. There were grudges with some people that i have been holding on people for way to long, and i think its time to let them get into my head n find out what im really about n who i am. No more bullshit no more excuses...i been running from some things too long. Now i know i might sound pretty conceited but i am sincerely doing this to give people some truths, apologies, and straightforward explanations that i feel they deserve cuz i been afraid all this time. This isn't about me, I wanna try to stop worrying and hopefully this will bring me closer to some people who say, "Why does/would/did he do this", becuase like i said i havn't always given the best reasons for things or justification for why i do things. After seeing some of the things that other people are going through, this is giving me a push to give people the things that they deserve. N wat they deserve is for me to not be afraid around them anymore or afriad of myself. I try to help and give answers for things but people dont always know why i say some of these things which leaves them wondering sometimes, why doesnt he like me, he's just being retarded. The one thing that got me looking into myself was a short conversation that I had with Jim...It lasted all of about a minute, but in that minute I realized that all the anger, grudge, and frustration was all my fault. Same thing with Bridget...it was all my fault...Thanx to him i realized that I shouldnt hold onto them things..The things that they did to me wasn't their fault for holding back any friendship...it was all mine...im tired of being afraid..being afriad n not being to express myself and giving not full explanations is what hold things back..I just get pissed and keep my mouth shut..try to act like things dont bother me..But thats when i hold grudges and dont smooth things out...n a short breakdown on a certain ride home one night made me realize this..n i have to stop it.. Thats all that i have to say..Comment on whatever part of this u want n im sure i'll be seeing some of u somewhere down the line.. Adight time to watch Joe play more football Later